WifeCheatedOnMe Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Just curious. I caught my WS pretty early....Less than 3 months and only a couple of weeks into it turning physical. Wondering what everyone's thoughts were whether it made a difference if it was a month or a year that an affair had endured and its predictor to successfully reconciling.
jwi71 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Caught my now xW about 2 months in from first inappropriate conversation until dday. It was EA and PA. I obviously divorced her.
foreal Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Generally speaking, the longer it went on, the harder it is for WS to let go of the AP and the A feelings in general... unless the WS was using the A as a way to exit the M... If that is the case, it doesn't matter how long it lasted...they want out and will get out. Does your W want to work things out with you? (And you with her?) I am sorry you are going thru this.....it hurts so much. And most likely there is more pain to come so brace yourself and get into IC if you can.
anne1707 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 In our case, the affair was nearly three years but my H gave me another chance and here we are 18 months later and doing good. It's not so much the length of the affair but the desire to re-commit to the marriage.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 My STBX had a 6 month affair, 3 of which were PA. I know people who have had much longer affairs and were more forgiving than I. Logic would dictate that the longer it goes on, the harder recovery would be.......for the betrayed and the betrayer. It appears that you have caught the affair relatively early....which is one positive aspect of recovery. There are however many aspects to this. If you are BOTH committed to recovery, I think your chances are good. It will take time and work. Wishing you a better new year.
Darth Vader Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Just curious. I caught my WS pretty early....Less than 3 months and only a couple of weeks into it turning physical. Wondering what everyone's thoughts were whether it made a difference if it was a month or a year that an affair had endured and its predictor to successfully reconciling. I thought you said they didn't have sex. I must missing something.
Author WifeCheatedOnMe Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 I thought you said they didn't have sex. I must missing something. If you are referring to my other thread, its pretty clear they did. See post #1
jnj express Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Can be a ONS---EA---full out PA---its all in your perception----How this turns out is individual in every case----it depends upon 2 people and 2 people only---you and your wife----what do each of YOU WANT??????
jennie-jennie Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 (edited) In our case, the affair was nearly three years but my H gave me another chance and here we are 18 months later and doing good. It's not so much the length of the affair but the desire to re-commit to the marriage. I have been wondering about this. If the BS in my case could see everything that has happened between the WS and me for the last four years, could she forgive and go on? I have myself been the BS with my SOs having shorter affairs, where the longest and most serious one lasted 6 months. 6 months and then my exSO realized that she was not for him. But four years? The WS is not going to come to that kind of realization after four years. He has connected to me deeply on a romantic, emotional and physical level. Is it possible for a BS to live with that knowledge and stay in the marriage? Anne, I am curious about to what extent you let yourself come close to your OM? How far inside did you let him? Edited January 2, 2010 by jennie-jennie
anne1707 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I have been wondering about this. If the BS in my case could see everything that has happened between the WS and me for the last four years, could she forgive and go on? I have myself been the BS with my SOs having shorter affairs, where the longest and most serious one lasted 6 months. 6 months and then my exSO realized that she was not for him. But four years? The WS is not going to come to that kind of realization after four years. He has connected to me deeply on a romantic, emotional and physical level. Is it possible for a BS to live with that knowledge and stay in the marriage? Anne, I am curious about to what extent you let yourself come close to your OM? How far inside did you let him? J-J I think if you want to know how close, you should look at my original threads when I came to LS. It is not something I particularly want to post about again out of respect to my H as he also posts on LS and does not need to see all that again. However what I will say is that the affair almost killed our marriage but my H has been able to forgive me and give us another chance. It can be amazing how much strength a BS can find so do not be so sure that in your case, the BS would not give her H another chance.
jennie-jennie Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 However what I will say is that the affair almost killed our marriage but my H has been able to forgive me and give us another chance. It can be amazing how much strength a BS can find so do not be so sure that in your case, the BS would not give her H another chance. LOL I am not doubting that the BS in my case will most likely give the WS another chance. H.ll, I even expect that, given how many chances I gave my exSOs. I know all about wanting to keep them in your life and hoping there will be no more affairs and that the relationship will improve. I have two longterm relationships behind me with serial cheaters, one lasted 5 years, the other 25. I am just curious as to how you emotionally can get past your spouse having a relationship like the one I and my MM are having. The kind of relationship you dream of, but don't think exists.
anne1707 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I am just curious as to how you emotionally can get past your spouse having a relationship like the one I and my MM are having. The kind of relationship you dream of, but don't think exists. I take it JJ that you have not read my threads! It was me who had the affair, not my H. And as for the kind of relationship that I dream of but don't think exists - oh please! What makes you think I have not got such a relationship with my H? Is that what you are trying to imply? If you look at some of the posts I have made in various threads on LS, you will see that I do not think the feelings/emotions in an affair are altogether realistic. An affair pretty much stays in a permanent honeymoon stage because you never have to deal with the reality of life.
jennie-jennie Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 J-J I think if you want to know how close, you should look at my original threads when I came to LS. It is not something I particularly want to post about again out of respect to my H as he also posts on LS and does not need to see all that again. I don't know if I am doing anything wrong, but as far as I can see only 500 of your 1728 posts are available. Is it possible for you to give me a link to one of your earliest threads? Or direct me in some other way?
anne1707 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I don't know if I am doing anything wrong, but as far as I can see only 500 of your 1728 posts are available. Is it possible for you to give me a link to one of your earliest threads? Or direct me in some other way? These are the 2 main threads - does seem strange seeing these again :eek: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t158692/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t165169/
jennie-jennie Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Thank you, Anne, interesting to read your story!
anne1707 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Apologies to the OP as there has been a semi t/j here with references to my story. However I also hope that it shows to the OP that a marriage can recover even when it may seem as if things have really gone too far. But as I stated in my first post on this thread, it is the level of commitment of both husband and wife in wanting to recover and rebuild the marriage that is critical. You both need to be in it 100% and realize that there will be setbacks, there will be days when you wonder if you can really make it work again and whether you even want to. That is all part of the process and there are no guarantees. But my H and I are proof that it can be done though.
road Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 "Wondering what everyone's thoughts were whether it made a difference if it was a month or a year that an affair had endured and its predictor to successfully reconciling" It's not what we think it's what you want. And if you and your WW are willing to do what has to be done. Then take two to five years for recovery to finish. Marriage's have been save after various lengths, various acts, various OP, and, even having the WH get his OW pregnant or the OM knocking up the WW. This is why your "wondering" is not important.
on1wheel Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 1st of all let me say how sorry I am for you. You are me 2 years ago, so I know what you're going through. Do you 2 have children? If not, divorce her & find someone with the same morals as you have. I can tell you that the pain, fear, shame & suspicion NEVER go away; just diminish somewhat. The ONLY reason I stayed was for my 19 month old child. I promised the day they drew their 1st breath that I would do whatever I could to protect them from life's pain. My happiness was not as important as theirs. My wife & I have had some great times since & if it weren't for her A our marriage would be almost perfect. But she did & my heart is broken beyond repair. I try to forget, I try everything I can think of (that's why I'm on LS btw) but some things once broken can't be repaired. As for you, only you know if you want to get past her betrayal? Can you handle the fear & suspicion that she may do it again...that you never really knew her at all? I wish you well either way. BTW, I don't think the length of the affair matters, as the only thing that really matters is that she was able to ignore her vows & be selfish enough to try & have her cake & eat it too. That's the person you married unfortunately...me too :-(
on1wheel Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 1st of all let me say how sorry I am for you. You are me 2 years ago, so I know what you're going through. Do you 2 have children? If not, divorce her & find someone with the same morals as you have. I can tell you that the pain, fear, shame & suspicion NEVER go away; just diminish somewhat. The ONLY reason I stayed was for my 19 month old child. I promised the day they drew their 1st breath that I would do whatever I could to protect them from life's pain. My happiness was not as important as theirs. My wife & I have had some great times since & if it weren't for her A our marriage would be almost perfect. But she did & my heart is broken beyond repair. I try to forget, I try everything I can think of (that's why I'm on LS btw) but some things once broken can't be repaired. As for you, only you know if you want to get past her betrayal? Can you handle the fear & suspicion that she may do it again...that you never really knew her at all? I wish you well either way. BTW, I don't think the length of the affair matters, as the only thing that really matters is that she was able to ignore her vows & be selfish enough to try & have her cake & eat it too. That's the person you married unfortunately...me too :-(
luvstarved Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Maybe this sounds strange, and I don't have direct experience with being cheated on (that I know of!) but...I would think that at some point the affair would get "boring", such that after a longer time it would be easier to get over (just as well, had enough of that already). Or at least if it was mostly about the sex. It just seems that with any relationship it would be more exciting in the early stages and therefore harder to give up...so, I am not really offering that opinion, just saying I am somewhat surprised that nobody who has been through it here seems to have that opinion...
aeh Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Luvstarved, this is what my H told me exactly. He has said from the outset it was about the sex. Eventually a few months into the R, she did tell him she loved him (during sex) and he said it back a few times. He was getting what he wanted. He said that the newness did wear off, that after the first few times he had seen her body, been with her it got decreasingly less exciting, but...it was still sex so he continued. He definitely has said it was a "been there, done that" kind of thing...
Spark1111 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Just curious. I caught my WS pretty early....Less than 3 months and only a couple of weeks into it turning physical. Wondering what everyone's thoughts were whether it made a difference if it was a month or a year that an affair had endured and its predictor to successfully reconciling. Yes, I think so, at least in my sitch. My WS had a full-blown EA/PA affair with a divorced co-worker for 18 months. DDay was a little over 2 years ago. He waffled back and forth between us for a couple of months, and I kept throwing him out. So some would say the reconciliation starts when there is absolutely no more contact with the AP. I refused to force that. He had to initiate it with her because I refused to be anyone's default choice. That would put it the start of rebuilding of our relationship at two years ago. It took me the length of the affair, an additional 1.5 years to decide if I wanted to stay married to him. Early attempts at MC were essentially sabotaged by me, because I so hated him for his actions; not so much the fact that he developed feelings for someone else, but that he lied repeatedly to my face for that length of time. I love him. I love having sex with him, but for 1.5 years I remained unsure if love and counseling would be enough to put humpty-dumpty back together again. For two reasons: How could I ever trust him again? and even more importantly to ME: Would I ever respect him again? So yes, the length of the DECEPTION, I believe, does hamper your ability to overcome and restore trust. On one occasion he said, "I f*d up. I'm an azzhole." And I responded: "Jeez, this wasn't some drunken One Night Stand. This was far, far worse than a f*k up, darling."
aeh Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 My H doesn't get why I was/am so hung up on how long his A lasted (10 months). He said once something happens the first time, that is the significant time--that it happened at all. I , too, was mired in the duration of the A, how long the deception lasted, all the things that happened in our life together while his A was going on, how he could keep it up (no pun intended!) for so long, how he he was never tempted to tell me the truth, or to end it for that whole ten month period. The duration has been a HUGE deal for me.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 My ex-husband left me for a married co-worker he'd fallen for in two weeks about 2.5 years ago. We separated very quickly and he moved in with her when she kicked her husband out. They are still together (I assume, though can't say for sure) and he never once looked back or sought reconciliation. I don't think it's the length of the affair that matters, I think it's the reasons for WHY the affair occurred in the first place. In his case, I believe it to be an emotional/exit affair, which can be the hardest for a BS to overcome.
Spark1111 Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 That's heartbreaking Crestfallen. AEH, I agree with you. It is hard to for me to wrap my head around his ability to compartmentalize his life for such a long period of time! Even to this day I will ask him: "How did you do that? How did you look into my face and lie to me for so much time?" In addition to all the feelings of betrayal, are the triggers now associated with every holiday, every milestone in the lives of OUR children and extended family during those 1.5 years. AND there were SO MANY! There are places I will not visit (because he took her there), holidays I will no longer host (because he had been with away with her) the previous weekend under the guise of a "business trip!" Places that will never see me on the site. Lovely memories of milestones with our children and family forever tainted by this affair. It's for my self-preservation, but how stupid could he be! I mean, the list goes on and on f the things I must overcome due to the length of his affair. I am astonished, given a chance to go get her, it became the last thing he wanted. Talk about confusion!
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