BlueeyedJonesy Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I am kinda new here and have posted a handful of times..I'm in a major pickle and I have no idea what to think or do anymore. Let me just start of by saying I'm married to a wonderful man who I love very much but he has some MAJOR problems with sexual addiction..I have been right by his side the whole time because I know everyone uses this excuse but his parents are BOTH emotionally abusive. and I feel horrible for him at times..but I AM SOOOOO SICK OF BEING HURT by his problems and his IC keeps telling him to confront his parents and he won't..WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS TO DEAL WITH THE DAMAGE? I know he does too, in the worst way. I seriously visualize everything he has done to me with other people and I'm starting to get irrational about everything..I just want to cheat at this point so he can feel what it feels like. I know that sounds horrible because I am 100% in love with this man but I can't stand the hurt anymore and I just want someone else to feel the pain! He use to have an account on sexsearch.com ("for curiousity masterbation") and guess what I did yesterday? I got on a "married but looking chat room" and let me just say this was my first time doing anything even remotely unfaithful in our relationship and it just made me feel sick!!! I didn't get any satisfaction from it! I thought, hey I'm young..and hott and I'm sure there are married men on there just like my husband who would love to chat..and sure enough they smother! and I DID NOT HAVE CYBER SEX! I had simple conversations to other men on there about everyday things..but it still made me feel horrible! What have i become??? I lie awake at night and cry...I would never wish this on another wife but yet here I am..thats where I want to go..I want to hurt someone. I want to feel wanted. I don't know the point of this post but this is honestly how I feel... Is there anyone else out there who has experienced this?
WifeCheatedOnMe Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I feel your pain....I did the same the other night. Went to a chat room when I was feeling a bit low, and felt horrible. I immediately deleted the account, software, etc. and purged that need from my system. So I can certainly empathize. You think to yourself, why am I the only one hurting? And you want to hurt the one that's hurting you. It's only human. But, in retrospect, I realized, that my spouse, even tho she hurt me unimaginably, is hurting too. Only in a different way. Doesn't excuse their behavior. Doesn't make it right. But take some comfort in that your H is likely hurting and dealing internally with his own demon. My advice to you and it is what I've learned in the short time I've been here is focus on yourself. You have to start doing to yourself, for yourself what makes you feel good. Make an effort everyday to look as hot and attractive as possible. People will notice and those little compliments, nods and looks throughout the day go miles towards building back your self esteem. Realize, that your H's problems are defects in his character, not a reflection of you. Pamper yourself. Hang out with friends that value your companionship. But, do not stoop to his level and cheat. Walk away, seek MC/IC, or whatever it takes, but DO NOT respond to betrayal with your own betrayal. You are a better person than that. As for moving forward, you need to have a serious conversation with H. Have him understand that while you love him, you must also love yourself and you can no longer do that given his behavior. Ask him to seek IC to learn of his deficiency and weakness. Tell him you'll support him through this difficult time if he shows actions towards correcting his behavior. If he refuses, then you have your answer. As hard as it will seem, you have to prepare yourself to walk away. You can't be in a one-way love relationship. It will gnaw and eat away at your self. Better to begin the process now of walking away and looking forward to the day when you are with someone who truly loves you and wants to be with you in every way. And when your H sees this change in you, the self confidence to do what's needed for you, it may be the impetus and kick in the head he needs to realize that he needs to work towards fixing your M. Good Luck
Space Ritual Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I think right now you should explore marriage counseling because its not too late. If you go down the revenge cheating path (has you husband cheated on you emotionally and physically?)then you lose your credibility and once it is discovered your revenge cheating will sink you to the exact same level. This is a two way street and normally I do not give an ounce of credit to marriage counseling, because they are in it to make you come back and get more money. and most of them are as useless as tits on a bull. But please consider any option other than cheating. You don't want the title of cheater on your resume, do you? Your "I'm young and hot" statement however makes me think that the die is probably cast. Just to let you know that should you go down that path, once again you are no better than your husband if he is cheating on you, and you lose any upper hand on the direction of your marriage. If your husband will not agree to marriage counseling, or some individual therapy for his sex addiction, then file for divorce. But don't cheat
eeyore1981 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Hey, if it's any comfort, I've been in your shoes, too. I have thought A LOT about cheating. My reasons are more because my H has lied and lied to me so much, and I feel it would help me get over the hurt from his A. But, an affair is an affair, no matter why you do it. I met a guy who I thought was cute, and I fantasized a little bit about it, then I ran into him again, and he sent out a few signals he was interested, then I ran into him again, and he invited me to a party. I said yes. Almost immediately I felt sick to my stomach, dry heaves, nervous wreck, etc. I didn't go to the party. I haven't fantasized about him, anymore, either. I've only seen this guy once since, and I dodged out of the way before he saw me. I figure if it makes me feel like this, it probably isn't good for me. So, I can empathize, but don't really have any advice to make it better. Yeah, I could cheat, and yeah, it would probably make me feel a lot better about things. But...I can't guarantee I wouldn't get caught, I can't guarantee H would be willing to forgive should I get caught, and at least for today, lol, being intimate with someone other than my H is a major turn-off for me. Then there is always the probability I would die of shame for doing this to my H, even though he didn't have much of a problem doing it to me. I get accused a lot of seeing things in black and white, being all high and mighty, etc., but it's tough having a conscience.
Author BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 Thanks for all the honesty. I know it would be a horrible decision on my part...I just have those days ya know? My H is doing ALOT better..He is seeing a Sexual addiction counselor that is really helping. and I have been seeing an IC for about 2 months. It really seems to be helping. I do have to say....you have to have some MAJOR issues or just be plain evil to cheat while in a perfectly good marriage...I'm talking about "chatting" on yahoo and it makes me sick to my stomach...I can't imagine anything else:sick: And as for my self-esteem, its coming back to me. I've started getting my hair done again and working out pretty regularly (something I gave up when I became a SAHM) and its definetly made a pretty big difference. I'm feeling a lot better!
Gabriele Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Sounds to me like your post is just venting......I don't think you would actually cheat......your just terribly hurt, and sometimes that makes us crazy!!!! I am glad to hear your in IC, 2 months is not that long, and will bring everything to the surface for you. Keep with it, you need to have support and something just for YOU! You are a strong woman who obviously loves her H to stick with him and try to mend what he had broken.
on1wheel Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Please don't do it. You are better than that; better than him. I too wanted to have an affair after I caught my wife...I was so hurt. But I realized that: - I was better than her - I would never forgive myself - 2 wrongs don't make a right If he has done it more than once & you're still there then you have to accept some of the blame though. You're only a doormat as long as you allow yourself to be treated as one. Divorce him now, as he IS NOT in-love with you. I have told my wife that if she does anything dishonest again I would leave her even if she were 9 mths pregnant. You have to draw a line & stick to it no matter what. Only then will you learn to love yourself again; which I have learned is much more important than someone else's love. Good luck.
Author BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 Thanks for the support, but let me get one thing straight...I am no doormat. I come from a horribly broken home and I always told myself I would NEVER put up with this BS..But I feel like he really is my soulmate, and God has kept us together for a reason...years ago I thought for sure that I wouldn't be able to endure some of the things hes done..but here I am. I know that the end result will be worth the pain. He is willing to get help and change(something hes never been willing to do before) with that said...he does one more thing...I AM GONE. Never looking back.
Golfilla Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Please don't do it. You are better than that; better than him. I too wanted to have an affair after I caught my wife...I was so hurt. But I realized that: - I was better than her - I would never forgive myself - 2 wrongs don't make a right If he has done it more than once & you're still there then you have to accept some of the blame though. You're only a doormat as long as you allow yourself to be treated as one. Divorce him now, as he IS NOT in-love with you. I have told my wife that if she does anything dishonest again I would leave her even if she were 9 mths pregnant. You have to draw a line & stick to it no matter what. Only then will you learn to love yourself again; which I have learned is much more important than someone else's love. Good luck. +1. OP, you are not responsible for his problems. Look, it's sad if he came from a broken home or if his parents are abusive, but ultimately, they are HIS responsibility. It sounds like people are trying to help him, but he just won't take the first step. Something needs to happen and maybe you leaving might be the slap in the face he needs to confront his problems. BTW, if my parents were emotionally abusive (thankfully they aren't), I'd be telling them to f--- off and ceasing all contact with them. He should consider this too.
Author BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 if my parents were emotionally abusive (thankfully they aren't), I'd be telling them to f--- off and ceasing all contact with them. He should consider this too. Thats so much easier said than done. He works in the family business..his parents own a construction company and he is an estimator.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Thats so much easier said than done. He works in the family business..his parents own a construction company and he is an estimator. I really feel for you. Some people are very broken, and you can't fix them, however it sounds like you are giving him the motivation to fix himself. I wish you the best in your struggles!
Author BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 I really feel for you. Some people are very broken, and you can't fix them, however it sounds like you are giving him the motivation to fix himself. I wish you the best in your struggles! Thanks! I know there is a loooong road ahead of us, but it already looks alot better than the broken one behind us. He is trying so hard.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Thanks! I know there is a loooong road ahead of us, but it already looks alot better than the broken one behind us. He is trying so hard. We can't control where we come from, but we do control where we are going. Just stick to your guns... don't let him take advantage of your love!
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