Lizzie60 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Do you think it's possible to eventually fall in love with someone you don't feel 'chemistry' (sexual) on the first date. I met this guy last night.. he's amazing.. nice guy, pretty good looking, looks much younger for his age (he's 52).. retired, living on his investments and commercial/residential properties... We had a good time.. (no sex) just a peck on the cheek when I left.. at first I thought he wasn't that interested since he was kind of 'shy' and he came across (on the phone) as someone really NOT shy at all.. very social, outgoing.. likes to be in public.. etc. He told me he had book a trip down south for 10 days (leaving this Monday).. So I got up this morning and I have an email from him.. saying he was shy cause he was a little intimidated by me (he thought I was very good looking)... and he wants to see me again (invitation for a nice dinner)... Problem is ... I didn't feel much chemistry (sexual) on my part.. he's nice but it's just not there.. but I would LIKE to 'feel' more .. since this one would be a keeper.. he's got a lot of what I'm looking for.. (nice personality, money, good sense of humour) so far so good.. but I sooo want to feel more.. this would be my chance.. IMO... We don't meet 'keepers' every day.. Any advices, thoughts..
harmfulsweetz Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I'm not sure. Hm. I've been around guys before and not really cared much for them in that department, then one day, I suddenly fancy the pants off them. It's strange. Some things need time to develop, and sometimes it just isn't there. Maybe you should meet again for a date, and take it from there. See what happens, if he is a keeper he may also be a grower?
Author Lizzie60 Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 hahah.. a grower.. I really wish he will... I will definitely see him again... but I'm just hoping something will develop.. he's been divorced for quite some time now.. My BFF told me this morning to give him more chances.. he might be amazing in bed..
New Again Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I've only dated one guy (current bf) who I had any kind of immediate chemistry/sexual attractive for. It has always taken me a few dates or awhile of hanging out/seeing/getting to know someone before I start to feel that way (or not as the case may be).
carhill Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Lizzie, if you've never had a guy 'grow' on you, it's not going to happen here, IMO. Our psychologies are unique to each of us. I have had that experience so I know it is possible for my psychology. It's like I see a person and then, one day, I SEE the person. Time and intimacy changed my perspective and attraction level. Perhaps that is rare in a man, or in general, but it is my experience. If this gentleman is otherwise an engaging date, since you're single, perhaps mingle a bit more, mindful of him becoming prematurely attached. That would be the negative I'd watch for, given what you've stated. IMO, that would become a turn-off for you and doom whatever potential there was. Best wishes
Author Lizzie60 Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Yes.. you might be right.. maybe the best way (for him) to get me 'interested' would be to be more independant.. if he shows too much interest.. I might lose mine.. gosh this is ridiculous.. isn't it.. it should be the other way around..
sumdude Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Chemistry might develop.. the bigger question though is .. Do you think you can commit to one person again Lizzie?
Author Lizzie60 Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Chemistry might develop.. the bigger question though is .. Do you think you can commit to one person again Lizzie? Yes.. totally .. but the problem is.. maybe I'm not ready yet.. but if it happens.. I have no doubt I can commit to only one man.. always did in the past.. I've never cheated on my SOs
jw90063 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Sounds like you feel little chemistry because he's the "shy" type which turns lots of females off, as well as you haven't had sex with him.... I think there is time to find out. Chemistry doesn't always come right away. Actually when seeking a long term partner, it's ideal to meet someone you don't 'have that head over heels feeling for immediately and it develops over time. If you are looking for fireworks right away, I think you might be expecting too much.
Author Lizzie60 Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Sounds like you feel little chemistry because he's the "shy" type which turns lots of females off, as well as you haven't had sex with him.... I think there is time to find out. Chemistry doesn't always come right away. Actually when seeking a long term partner, it's ideal to meet someone you don't 'have that head over heels feeling for immediately and it develops over time. If you are looking for fireworks right away, I think you might be expecting too much. I hope you're right.. I really wish it will work.. (from what I know of him so far)..
gypsy_nicky Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Do you think it's possible to eventually fall in love with someone you don't feel 'chemistry' (sexual) on the first date. I met this guy last night.. he's amazing.. nice guy, pretty good looking, looks much younger for his age (he's 52).. retired, living on his investments and commercial/residential properties... We had a good time.. (no sex) just a peck on the cheek when I left.. at first I thought he wasn't that interested since he was kind of 'shy' and he came across (on the phone) as someone really NOT shy at all.. very social, outgoing.. likes to be in public.. etc. He told me he had book a trip down south for 10 days (leaving this Monday).. So I got up this morning and I have an email from him.. saying he was shy cause he was a little intimidated by me (he thought I was very good looking)... and he wants to see me again (invitation for a nice dinner)... Problem is ... I didn't feel much chemistry (sexual) on my part.. he's nice but it's just not there.. but I would LIKE to 'feel' more .. since this one would be a keeper.. he's got a lot of what I'm looking for.. (nice personality, money, good sense of humour) so far so good.. but I sooo want to feel more.. this would be my chance.. IMO... We don't meet 'keepers' every day.. Any advices, thoughts.. do you have an intense longing to be with this man (not sexual)?
bluewolf17 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Do you think it's possible to eventually fall in love with someone you don't feel 'chemistry' (sexual) on the first date. I met this guy last night.. he's amazing.. nice guy, pretty good looking, looks much younger for his age (he's 52).. retired, living on his investments and commercial/residential properties... We had a good time.. (no sex) just a peck on the cheek when I left.. at first I thought he wasn't that interested since he was kind of 'shy' and he came across (on the phone) as someone really NOT shy at all.. very social, outgoing.. likes to be in public.. etc. He told me he had book a trip down south for 10 days (leaving this Monday).. So I got up this morning and I have an email from him.. saying he was shy cause he was a little intimidated by me (he thought I was very good looking)... and he wants to see me again (invitation for a nice dinner)... Problem is ... I didn't feel much chemistry (sexual) on my part.. he's nice but it's just not there.. but I would LIKE to 'feel' more .. since this one would be a keeper.. he's got a lot of what I'm looking for.. (nice personality, money, good sense of humour) so far so good.. but I sooo want to feel more.. this would be my chance.. IMO... We don't meet 'keepers' every day.. Any advices, thoughts.. I know it can happen! Chemistry is a funny thing..it can happen at anytime (at least for me). Some woman and man might/have said that you know the first time you look at them, or you know within minutes...and that may be true, but I have also seen it happen on the third date, fourth date..and after years of friendship. If you really like the guy in the other departments, then a 2nd date won't hurt, just as long as you are honest with him in your intentions etc etc. Example. My BFF was friends with her boyfriend for 4 years. He adored her, of course. She liked him okay, but wasn't really attracted to him (he was a cute guy though, not amazing, but cute). After 4 years of her having zero interest, that all changed. She said she can't explain it (although it's obvious), but one day her car broke down, and she called him up. He was there within minutes and jump started her car while she sat in it, out of the rain. He was soaked. It's important to know that he wasn't her first call. She called her parents, the current guy she liked, and some friends. He was the one that showed up. A few days later at a party she saw him flirting with another girl and it clicked. She suddenly saw him for the great guy that he is. They are together to this day . This, of course is not the rule, but the exeption.. but yes, it does happen.
jw90063 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 One of my previous relationships started out with lacking the chemistry I thought should be there. I continued to date the guy because he had lots of other qualities I look for, and after a little while I began to feel intense chemistry for him. I found it was the best chemistry I've had, but I didn't feel it right away. I'm glad I gave it more time.
Author Lizzie60 Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 I know it can happen! Chemistry is a funny thing..it can happen at anytime (at least for me). Some woman and man might/have said that you know the first time you look at them, or you know within minutes...and that may be true, but I have also seen it happen on the third date, fourth date..and after years of friendship. If you really like the guy in the other departments, then a 2nd date won't hurt, just as long as you are honest with him in your intentions etc etc. Example. My BFF was friends with her boyfriend for 4 years. He adored her, of course. She liked him okay, but wasn't really attracted to him (he was a cute guy though, not amazing, but cute). After 4 years of her having zero interest, that all changed. She said she can't explain it (although it's obvious), but one day her car broke down, and she called him up. He was there within minutes and jump started her car while she sat in it, out of the rain. He was soaked. It's important to know that he wasn't her first call. She called her parents, the current guy she liked, and some friends. He was the one that showed up. A few days later at a party she saw him flirting with another girl and it clicked. She suddenly saw him for the great guy that he is. They are together to this day . This, of course is not the rule, but the exeption.. but yes, it does happen. That was the 'clicking' factor.. she was 'tickled' because he was flirting with another woman.... gosh we are stupid sometimes.. I understand and totally agree.. sometimes it takes something like that to trigger our 'interest'... but, in my case, I'm not sure the guy would wait that long to have sex... some guys will just lose interest if they feel the woman has no sexual chemistry for them.. and I can't blame them.. I'd feel the same way..
meerkat stew Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Chemistry is such a nebulous notion. People are either attracted to someone or they aren't. If they aren't it's a matter of whether it's a simple lack of attraction or whether some feature or trait is a direct or indirect turn-off. Next, if the former, whether there is any feeling of attraction growing over some time spent together. Or, if the latter, whether a turn-off can be overcome or not or lessens over time. Analyze more as you spend more time with this guy, and you will have your answer. But mainly try to ponder less about potential and just have fun the first few times.
Author Lizzie60 Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 do you have an intense longing to be with this man (not sexual)? not sure what your question means.. it was our first meeting..
Angel1111 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I can sometimes get past the lack of chemistry thing because that could change. What I can't get past is when someone repulses me for some reason. Once that happens, I can't get it out of my head. This guy sounds great - I'd give him another shot. When he gets more comfortable with you, you'll start to get to know him better and then you can decide.
sumdude Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Chemistry is such a nebulous notion. People are either attracted to someone or they aren't. If they aren't it's a matter of whether it's a simple lack of attraction or whether some feature or trait is a direct or indirect turn-off. Next, if the former, whether there is any feeling of attraction growing over some time spent together. Or, if the latter, whether a turn-off can be overcome or not or lessens over time. Analyze more as you spend more time with this guy, and you will have your answer. But mainly try to ponder less about potential and just have fun the first few times. Not entirely nebulous. There is some scientific proof that people with complimentary immune systems and histamine complexes are more attracted to each others pheromones by scent. I know there are some women who just getting a whiff can blow my mind and others who may be physical bombshells do little for me other than visually.
gypsy_nicky Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 not sure what your question means.. it was our first meeting.. is there enough motivation on your part to see him again or did the first date do it for you-(wishy washy as to whether or not you want to see him)?
sagetalk Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Do you think it's possible to eventually fall in love with someone you don't feel 'chemistry' (sexual) on the first date. I met this guy last night.. he's amazing.. nice guy, pretty good looking, looks much younger for his age (he's 52).. retired, living on his investments and commercial/residential properties... We had a good time.. (no sex) just a peck on the cheek when I left.. at first I thought he wasn't that interested since he was kind of 'shy' and he came across (on the phone) as someone really NOT shy at all.. very social, outgoing.. likes to be in public.. etc. If all women are like some of these posts I've been reading on this board, I'm am very sad . Man on my next first date, maybe I should just rip her clothes off and do her right there in the resturant, then I'll know for sure I'm getting a second date . This guy is attractive, rich, and self reliant, and you like him, but you feel no sexual chemistry after the first date so you're thinking of dropping him? Not even this upstanding guy can catch a break and he's almost perfect, remarkable. Your thought process is toxic and to be honest, somewhat frighting. Do you expect to feel sexual chemistry after the first date? I'm not even sure I know what you mean. Are you unhappy that he didn't try to jump your bones, or are you not physically attracted to him? If you are physically attracted to him, how could there not be a little sexual chemistry? Do you want the guy to do all the work? So what if he is shy, if you're hot, who could blame him. Is that a deal breaker for you? If it is, then good luck ever finding a guy worth marrying. Your thought process will land you jerk after jerk after jerk who'll nail you on the first date (I suppose you could call that sexually chemistry), and then you'll wonder why you can't find a nice guy that will treat you right.
norajane Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Oh, I've developed chemistry after getting to know someone when there was no chemistry at all before that. Yes, absolutely. Sometimes it takes time to really connect with someone. Consider all the people on the OW/OM forum who start off with "I never expected to have an affair...we were just work colleagues and then became friends and then I was suddenly hot to boink him..." Dating is a tough construct to develop that kind of rappor and chemistry, though, because it comes through time and proximity and seeing that person in different situations and seeing them shine at something they're really good at and seeing their good qualities in play. Most people who just see each other on a "date" don't have the opportunity to really "see" who someone is and develop an attraction. It's one or two dinners and if it's not instant chemistry, it's "next!"
meerkat stew Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Not entirely nebulous. There is some scientific proof that people with complimentary immune systems and histamine complexes are more attracted to each others pheromones by scent. Sure, most definitely. Those would be cases where there was no attraction, and there was no discernible turn-off. My gripe with "chemistry" is that it is used in a conclusory, binary way, as a kind of mystical switch, whereas adding a very simple level of analysis to an attracted/not attracted equation makes figuring out attraction potential fairly straightforward and not mystical at all. In other words, when I hear someone say, "There was no chemistry," though it sounds like they said something meaningful, I still scratch my head and wonder, "what the heck do they mean exactly?" I don't get that head-scratching feeling when people state that don't feel attraction and can articulate why. 90% of the time, it's pretty easy to figure out why we don't find someone attractive, and if OP had given those reasons, for example, we might understand her better and offer more useful opinions. If OP had said, "I just don't find him attractive, maybe it's the drool cup and the webbed fingers," we would have more facts to reply to.
meerkat stew Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 If all women are like some of these posts I've been reading on this board, I'm am very sad . Man on my next first date, maybe I should just rip her clothes off and do her right there in the resturant, then I'll know for sure I'm getting a second date . This guy is attractive, rich, and self reliant, and you like him, but you feel no sexual chemistry after the first date so you're thinking of dropping him? Not even this upstanding guy can catch a break and he's almost perfect, remarkable. Your thought process is toxic and to be honest, somewhat frighting. Do you expect to feel sexual chemistry after the first date? I'm not even sure I know what you mean. Are you unhappy that he didn't try to jump your bones, or are you not physically attracted to him? If you are physically attracted to him, how could there not be a little sexual chemistry? Do you want the guy to do all the work? So what if he is shy, if you're hot, who could blame him. Is that a deal breaker for you? If it is, then good luck ever finding a guy worth marrying. Your thought process will land you jerk after jerk after jerk who'll nail you on the first date (I suppose you could call that sexually chemistry), and then you'll wonder why you can't find a nice guy that will treat you right. OK, this says what I'm getting at a bit more forcefully and vehemently. Myself and lots of my male friends get really put out by the way women use "chemistry." I hardly hear men using it, occasionally maybe. Ladies, say what you mean, if he has a harelip, say it! If he has a Quasimodo hump, rabbit teeth, bad breath, prehensile tail, shingles, SARS, warts, fungus toes, summer teeth (summ r green, summ r brown, summ r missin), hydroencephaly, lockjaw, braces, flatulence, bald, massive underbite, zombie skin, just SAY IT. When you don't say what you mean, in commonly understood terms and descriptors, and you just rely on "chemistry," it makes us think you are fickle and capricious creatures and puts us in an ornery posting mood like Sagetalk
Author Lizzie60 Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 It's not always that clear... chemistry is extremely 'complicated'... it can work with one person and not the other.. what makes it hot for one and not for the other.. it's not that easy to understand. This guy is quite attractive.. not as attractive as some guys I,ve been with.. he's a bit 'chubby' but my last ex was obese.. and I adored him.. I don't know what it is.. I guess I'll find out more and more as I see him .. he's leaving till the middle of January.. not sure if I'll see him again before he leaves.. he booked a trip down south, alone..
pandagirl Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I think there is sexual attraction and then there is chemistry. Sexual attraction is only physical. Chemistry is more complicated, because it has many more components to it: if you laugh together, the way you converse, how you essentially 'vibe' off each other. IMO, great chemistry can lead to sexual attraction. Lizzie, it seems like you LIKE this guy, or you wouldn't even be posting about him. He might be shy, as he even confessed he was intimidated you. Go out with him again. When he starts to feel more comfortable around you, his true self will come out. I know I am this way -- it takes me a little bit to come out of my shell. That works better for women since being "shy" is a more of a feminine trait, but this guy could be super confident, just reserved at first.
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