lostboyuk Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Ok, day 4 now. My brief summary is she left me in sept because she couldn't cope with me having kids and my ex had too much control in our lives. I got her back, been on lovely hols together few weeks back, she moved back in out home 4 weeks ago, went away to her mums for Xmas and called to say it was over on Sunday. I'm still convinced that her own (long term) emotional demons have not helped us though, although she would not admit this. NC for 4 days but she called my mum (who I've come to visit for a few days) asking if I was with her or at home as she obviously needs to go get some things from the house and doesnt know whether contacting me is wrong. She also said it is def over and only came back to see if she could get what we had back, 3 weeks is all she gave!!! My dilema is this, I love her deeply, enough to let her go and understand nothing I can do is going to get her back and that any chance there ever may be for us rests in her at a time where she realises she can cope and realises what we had was enough, so NC for some time is necessary. The thing is that our home is intertwined with US, we built everything together so don't see how I can do NC. She's waiting on an answer from my mum as to what I want to do about stuff and I think she's itching to go home and start! I feel that no matter how much it hurts I need to say goodbye properly, I want us to laugh and cry together about what we had and know she walks away thinking nothing but fondly about me and us. I know this will hurt me but I feel it's what I need to move on. It's such a horrible shame that 2 people who love and have been so beautifully close can't be together. Can I ask her not to come get her clothes on Sunday, talk and say goodbye to each other then for me to take control and say 'this is the way we're going to do this' (in essence still initiating the NC)? Oh and I left her a letter that will not help now, if she goes back alone she will see it).
Heartbrokenandinlove Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Hi Lostboy, I'm going through a break up myself...We share a flat together and all our stuff it our stuff. She told me I need to make the decision on what to do next, even though she broke up with me. I made the decision to move out (I havnt told her yet) but I plan on saying goodbye. My advice would be to do it, but dont break down and beg. Stay strong...make sure she sees the person she originally fell in love with, I know this is hard. Tell her you want to say goodbye properly, that you are moving on. I've read a lot of posts on here and taken different advice. The way I see it is that she broke up with you, therefore, mentally she is in control. If you take the first open step to show her your ok (even if your not) and that you say goodbye to here properly, it will make her think. My ex said to me "you have no control, this is my decision" (about the break up) and it made me realise that I do have control, I have control over how I let you treat me. Think of yourself, if you think it will help then do it but make sure you dont beg and plead...it will only push her away. By being a strong positive person she will either realise that she wants you back and its a bit mistake or she will realise its time to move on, and in time, being positive and strong will make it easier for you to move on. I hope this help, just go with what you feel to be right and never ever let her take even inch of you - your still your own person....its your life not hers!! Stay strong!
nobmagnet Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 when do you get back from your trip with your kids? neet xx
Author lostboyuk Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Thank you it does a little. If I'm honest I doubt I'll be able to hold it together completely but I've done the pleading bit and really get the reminding her who she fell in love with. I just need for my own sanity to hear that it could have been different for me to move on, it's not about clutching at straws, I get she can't do this. Mum just heard from her, she's on way to our house to get stuff, it hurt so much last time when I came home to less of us in there I don't know what to do, do I stop her and ask to see her on Sunday?!!
Author lostboyuk Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Get back Saturday with kids, free from sat night. I mean why the hell did she ask my mum what I wanted yesterday when she was planning coming today anyway?! I knew that was her plan - god I know her so well!!! I'd go back now and surprise her to get it all over with but I look like and feel like he'll!
Heartbrokenandinlove Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Thank you it does a little. If I'm honest I doubt I'll be able to hold it together completely but I've done the pleading bit and really get the reminding her who she fell in love with. I just need for my own sanity to hear that it could have been different for me to move on, it's not about clutching at straws, I get she can't do this. Mum just heard from her, she's on way to our house to get stuff, it hurt so much last time when I came home to less of us in there I don't know what to do, do I stop her and ask to see her on Sunday?!! She seems pretty focused on wanting to get her stuff so even if you tried would you be able to stop her? Especially if you feel you cant hold it together, it could end up worse - you dont want her last memory of you to be a bad one. Just think - the more times you hit a low the less of them there are left to hit! This is the worst time right now - and it will get better. Its only been 3 weeks for me - but even after 3 weeks I feel a little bit stronger.... My advice would be to leave her get it - and IF you can hold it together go and say goodbye - but make sure your in the driving seat now - dont let her walk all over you - she wont respect you and she wont love that desperate person! Good luck!
nobmagnet Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 i totally agree. You need to hold it together for your kids right now. When your kids go back to mum on saturday night is the time to fall apart again. Im soooooooo sorry for you. Big hugs xx
Author lostboyuk Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Still don't know what to do about now! She'll be at our house in an hour or so, I've left a note asking her not to go crazy with taking stuff and an honest letter explaining how I feel. I can stop her going in, neighbours have offered that, it's just she is in control despite asking what I wanted! I can't begin to explain the agony last time when she removed pieces of her from our home while I wasn't there. On the other hand (although it made no diff last time) to see our unopened Xmas presents, the cats and to see where I've been alone over Xmas may just make her understand the way she's done this was terrible. I don't hate her one bit, she's doing this for a reason and struggles to face up to responsibility. I just don't know whether to stop her and do it all Sunday or let her in today on her own then do the saying goodbye Sunday.
nobmagnet Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 im sorry i cant tell you. all I can say is its painful to sit and watch them pack stuff up. It hurts a whole lot. The only bit i found less painful was to bag his other stuff. Clothes ect and dump them in a room and shut the door. he just had to grab them and go. It means you have chosen what they take. im sorry x would sent you a private message but it wont let me x
Author lostboyuk Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Just called her! Told her to not take too much, just what she needed for now (I couldn't have coped going home with kids tomorrow and the place being half emptied) and she agreed to come round Sunday to talk about the rest and what happens next. We ended the call with us both in tears. Arrrrgh this hurts! No idea what Sunday will be like but I know for sure I have to do it and have to move on knowing I'm thought of fondly, I have to say goodbye. I know I'm torturing myself again but feel like I have to go to the bottom to get back up. I will on Sunday (after likely breaking down with her), take control and go NC, I'll have to go through the pain of sorting our stuff myself and don't know how to maintain NC to organise stuff.
Heartbrokenandinlove Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Just called her! Told her to not take too much, just what she needed for now (I couldn't have coped going home with kids tomorrow and the place being half emptied) and she agreed to come round Sunday to talk about the rest and what happens next. We ended the call with us both in tears. Arrrrgh this hurts! No idea what Sunday will be like but I know for sure I have to do it and have to move on knowing I'm thought of fondly, I have to say goodbye. I know I'm torturing myself again but feel like I have to go to the bottom to get back up. I will on Sunday (after likely breaking down with her), take control and go NC, I'll have to go through the pain of sorting our stuff myself and don't know how to maintain NC to organise stuff. Its hard mate but you can do it! Once you start making the steps and putting yourself back in control of your life you will feel better...I was in your position (i still kind of am) I mean I cry all the time about it but you have to pick yourself up and think positive. There will be nothing worse for her than to realise you've started to move on. It will take time, you will have lows but you will soon have some good times as well. Going NC is difficult - All you want to do is pick up the phone just to hear their voice but you will feel better and stronger by not doing that - I promise! Keep your head up for your children - and embrace their company
nobmagnet Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 in the early stages its best to start with little contact and make it as business like as you can. Take the emotions out of it. When things settle down is the time to go NC IMO. take care xxx
curiousnycgirl Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Just called her! Told her to not take too much, just what she needed for now (I couldn't have coped going home with kids tomorrow and the place being half emptied) and she agreed to come round Sunday to talk about the rest and what happens next. We ended the call with us both in tears. Arrrrgh this hurts! No idea what Sunday will be like but I know for sure I have to do it and have to move on knowing I'm thought of fondly, I have to say goodbye. I know I'm torturing myself again but feel like I have to go to the bottom to get back up. I will on Sunday (after likely breaking down with her), take control and go NC, I'll have to go through the pain of sorting our stuff myself and don't know how to maintain NC to organise stuff. I cannot understand what you think breaking down in front of her on sunday will do for you. How will it make you feel better? Or in control? I know I would be like a puddle on the floor. Please rethink this. If you do go through with being there to say goodbye, please make sure you do it in a manner you will feel happy with that allows you to feel empowered and strong. At this point what she thinks of you is meaningless. How YOU feel is the important part - now it is all about YOU (except when your kids are around - then it's about them first). Best of luck to you lostboy - we're here for you
Author lostboyuk Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Hey curious, thank you for your continued support, it's weird I'm around family right now but am drawn back here constantly. I know what you mean, I really really do but I know that I need to do sunday for me. Part of it is my underlying need to understand things but most of all because neither of us can deny we have had something that most people never get the chance to feel, even though she has done the last few months in a way that's crippled me completely, I understand why she has done it this way because I understand her so well. Doing this soul searching recently has left me with some pride and comfort that I have had the chance to briefly feel something I didn't know existed and know I love one person enough to let her go. Not only this, as I've said previously, I know I'm not at the bottom yet, at least this way it's my choice to go there. I don't plan to breakdown but I know I will, as I know she will (she was worse than me earlier on the phone)! I'm going to look sooo damn good on Sunday, (I ain't bad for 36) I will not beg, nor will I plead but I will show tears, laugh and smile to say goodbye and walk away with control and in style from the woman I love so honestly.
Author lostboyuk Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Damn I need to stop Reading my own posts back to myself, I'm making myself cry!!! God I'm a soppy lostboy!!!
curiousnycgirl Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I hope you get everything you need out of sunday - regardless of what happens we will all be here for you.
nobmagnet Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 dont cry xxxxxxxxxxxx hey the next few months are going to be hell on earth. I completely understand your need for "closure" as the americans so well define it. I met my ex a week after separation and it was emotional. His words still ring in my ears. But it really was closure. I was able to attempt to move forward from that moment on. I am not saying i didnt puke every morning, cry relentlessly, shake uncontrolably, hide and try to make myself as small as I could for the next month but closure and acceptance helped me understand i didnt want him back. Its important to do it. My heart is with you xxxxxxx
Recommended Posts