DietDrPepper Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Is it ever ok to call out the other person on mixed signals or communication issues? I'm talking to this girl I met on Match since early Dec. and I can't gauge her interest level anymore. It seemed to be higher early on but lately has dropped significantly, like hasn't been texting as much as she used to. She did get very sick for a week so she fell off the map then (but very much apologized for it later) I texted her today to see how she was and mentioned I still wanted to go on a second date with her (she was sick and with christmas we couldn't fit one in earlier) and she said i was 'so cute' and she did too, and she was sorry for falling off the map. So i put the ball in her court by saying to get a hold of me when the waters calm down (a family friend had a tragedy, which was the reason why she had fallen off the map this time). Now, today I noticed she is still visiting match, more than once.. which i suppose you can say that so am I, but, i'd rather be dating her than surfing match and i'm wondering why she doesn't feel the same way ..ugh! So... is there ever a time where a "whats the deal" type conversation would lead to a positive outcome? I mean if next time I decide to contact her I flat out say "hey, if you are interested in me you aren't doing a very good job of showing it, and if you aren't interested you should try and communicate that better"?? Would something like that ever kill something that is potentially there or would it benefit by showing that you are up front about communicating? how long should someone wait for this type of conversation to be brought up if it is a good idea?
D-Lish Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I think you have to look at it this way: If she has time to go onto the dating site, she has time to contact you with a text. I wouldn't have that convo with her- her actions are telling you she isn't investing in pursuing anything. Sickness, family emergencies, what's next? You don't need any clarification- the old excuse of being too busy or pre-occupied isn't an excuse, it's letting you down easy.
Author DietDrPepper Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 I think you have to look at it this way: If she has time to go onto the dating site, she has time to contact you with a text. I wouldn't have that convo with her- her actions are telling you she isn't investing in pursuing anything. Sickness, family emergencies, what's next? You don't need any clarification- the old excuse of being too busy or pre-occupied isn't an excuse, it's letting you down easy. What an ugly reality
meerkat stew Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Let this one go, calling out on mixed signals is not appropriate at the stage where you are after a single date. Spend the time cultivating more promising options.
bwidger Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I say it comes to a point where you need to say something that would either prove you two things: whether she is interested or whether she is not... I'd either tell her over the phone or text how you feel about hanging out, and if she responds positively set up for another date, and if she agrees then fine, but if she continues to flake you drop her. You need to come at it like a umpire and give her a few strikes before she's out -- a FEW, not 5 or 6! If you try and contact her and tell her how you feel about hanging out and she ignores you, takes too long to contact you (12 plus hours [and she better have a good excuse]), or says another thing has come up and she can't go out with you right now, you need to drop her because she's not interested.
Lovelybird Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I don't think that line is good. You only had one date with her, it is too early. I think it is wise that you date other women same time dating her. If you already initiated, then wait for her response I always think it is man's job to define a relationship though.....usually after several months this kind of conversation happens, but different people have different time frame
bwidger Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Let this one go, calling out on mixed signals is not appropriate at the stage where you are after a single date. Spend the time cultivating more promising options. Can you please clarify more on your reasoning behind this?
D-Lish Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 What an ugly reality You don't have to look at it as "ugly"- just a reality, don't take it personally please. I know it sucks- but when you look at it realistically, excuses point to something. She might be multi-dating, she might be on the fence- but you can be sure that her excuses are just that- excuses. If you got sick or had a fam emergency, but you really liked a girl- what would you do? Does that match up with what she is doing?
meerkat stew Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Can you please clarify more on your reasoning behind this? It's just not worth DietDrPepper's time to do so at this stage and try to drag things out with someone who likely isn't interested. The best method of calling someone out is silence anyway. She knows where to find him if she wants further contact.
Author DietDrPepper Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Thanks for the input so far... part of me agrees with alot of the points being made, of course the optimistic hopeful side wants a positive outcome, or hell, at least DEFINED ha... I didn't take it personally D-Lish, infact I'm usually as "keep it real" as you were in your comment, just a bummer. As far as calling out or saying "whats the deal", i guess i should have been a little more specific as I might have tried to say it in a nicer way. I did see this post, what do you guys think about this? Quote: Originally Posted by txsilkysmoothe Why not ask a woman "Are you interested and how interested?" Let her use a scale of 1 to 10. The follow up question would be "do you think your interest will increase?" Vague answers or no answers are red flags.
Author DietDrPepper Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 I am dating others, but of course the one I like/want the most is the one out of reach.. theres the rub What about if she likes being pursued? Does that change the game? She did mention her last bf pursued her hard and thats how he got her...
bwidger Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 (edited) It's just not worth DietDrPepper's time to do so at this stage and try to drag things out with someone who likely isn't interested. The best method of calling someone out is silence anyway. She knows where to find him if she wants further contact. Hm, I'm also learning this myself. I like your input on best way to call someone out is silence. Lately I've been possibly dragging things out by not letting them contact me back? I need to do this more because I think your right... Not to inturrupt the thread here, but when would be a good time to openly discuss how you feel with someone do you think (like in this situation)? Edited December 31, 2009 by bwidger
meerkat stew Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Hm, I'm also learning this myself. I like your input on best way to call someone out is silence. Lately I've been possibly dragging things out by not letting them contact me back? I need to do this more because I think your right... Here's something else you might find useful that a very wise musician friend of mine told me late one night a couple of years ago after too much beer. It was a true epiphany, "In music, the rests (the silence between notes) are just as important as the notes." This applies to relationships of any type also. Sometimes we get bound up in "what to do" when in many cases the best thing "to do" as the Taoists teach, "is to do nothing at all," to let things work themselves out, especially in situations where we have little or no control, like whether a person wants to spend more time with us or not. Applying this principle of creative inaction at the right times has made many aspects of my life much smoother and ironically, more likely to produce the result sought. Spend precious energy where it will most likely have an effect, rather than where it most likely won't.
bwidger Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Here's something else you might find useful that a very wise musician friend of mine told me late one night a couple of years ago after too much beer. It was a true epiphany, "In music, the rests (the silence between notes) are just as important as the notes." This applies to relationships of any type also. Sometimes we get bound up in "what to do" when in many cases the best thing "to do" as the Taoists teach, "is to do nothing at all," to let things work themselves out, especially in situations where we have little or no control, like whether a person wants to spend more time with us or not. Applying this principle of creative inaction at the right times has made many aspects of my life much smoother and ironically, more likely to produce the result sought. Spend precious energy where it will most likely have an effect, rather than where it most likely won't. Ok, I've only been on this site two days...two days! And already printed out two seperate posts I want to remember lol
Lovelybird Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 About above question, if a man asks me that, I simply don't know how to answer that, I would be like this Did you tell her your interest in words? I would appreciate a man lays down a structure first, such as he wants to seriously only date me, and see what will happen; or he wants to be friend first, then see where it takes us....then I probably will tell him in reture what I would like, I think this way is very considerate as a man because he takes the risk first. Still, this is too early.
Author DietDrPepper Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Here's something else you might find useful that a very wise musician friend of mine told me late one night a couple of years ago after too much beer. It was a true epiphany, "In music, the rests (the silence between notes) are just as important as the notes." This applies to relationships of any type also. Sometimes we get bound up in "what to do" when in many cases the best thing "to do" as the Taoists teach, "is to do nothing at all," to let things work themselves out, especially in situations where we have little or no control, like whether a person wants to spend more time with us or not. Applying this principle of creative inaction at the right times has made many aspects of my life much smoother and ironically, more likely to produce the result sought. Spend precious energy where it will most likely have an effect, rather than where it most likely won't. Nice inspiration... now i just have to keep it on my mind at all times
meerkat stew Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Not to inturrupt the thread here, but when would be a good time to openly discuss how you feel with someone do you think (like in this situation)? Eh, it seems to be right dead on topic actually It is a personal decision, but for me and dating, there seems to be a threshhold where my advances towards a woman are either being well-received or unwelcome. If a woman is showing real enthusiasm by her actions towards me, warmth, touching, effort to contribute to a forming relationship, etc. only then will I say anything or ask for clarification if some sleight or confusion arises. For example, was dating a woman non-exclusively a couple of years ago. Things were going very well. She had invited me to a big event, then on the day of the event, she "uninvited" me for a very bad reason (without going into too much detail). I called her on it, and she immediately apologized. We were able to salvage and continued on for almost a year. Had we not been going so well previously, I would have just walked, but instead made an exception and said something. In that case it was the right move, but it usually is not. If it's just a matter of mixed or confusing signals, and not a bad act, then it's usually best to back off completely and move to other options.
stevejohnson1976 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I am dating others, but of course the one I like/want the most is the one out of reach.. theres the rub What about if she likes being pursued? Does that change the game? She did mention her last bf pursued her hard and thats how he got her... man dude..you are in EXACTLY the same boat I am.... i feel you bro. i want to ask her straight up and let her know what she's doing now is going to get her kicked to the curb!!!
meerkat stew Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 What about if she likes being pursued? Does that change the game? She did mention her last bf pursued her hard and thats how he got her... This is an excellent question also. But maybe a change of focus is in order. Why are you worrying more about winning her than her winning you at this point? See the distinction? If you want to be the pursuer, then do it because you want to, because it is your nature, because it makes you feel good to do so, not because you think it will increase your chances with her. When I start up with someone, I know I'm bringing the goods. Whether she likes the goods I'm bringing is another matter , out of my control. So I focus more on whether -she- is bringing the goods that I want instead. That sounds more selfish than it is, but a bit of selfishness early on is perfectly healthy and the right attitude, it's all bound up in that confidence and self-assuredness that many people find attractive.
bwidger Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Eh, it seems to be right dead on topic actually It is a personal decision, but for me and dating, there seems to be a threshhold where my advances towards a woman are either being well-received or unwelcome. If a woman is showing real enthusiasm by her actions towards me, warmth, touching, effort to contribute to a forming relationship, etc. only then will I say anything or ask for clarification if some sleight or confusion arises. For example, was dating a woman non-exclusively a couple of years ago. Things were going very well. She had invited me to a big event, then on the day of the event, she "uninvited" me for a very bad reason (without going into too much detail). I called her on it, and she immediately apologized. We were able to salvage and continued on for almost a year. Had we not been going so well previously, I would have just walked, but instead made an exception and said something. In that case it was the right move, but it usually is not. If it's just a matter of mixed or confusing signals, and not a bad act, then it's usually best to back off completely and move to other options. What your saying is completely backwards from what you told me about silence is best. Here, you describe "calling her out on it" as the good move. Earlier, you advised letting silence and waiting for her to show by her own actions... what am I missing here?
boogieboy Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 What your saying is completely backwards from what you told me about silence is best. Here, you describe "calling her out on it" as the good move. Earlier, you advised letting silence and waiting for her to show by her own actions... what am I missing here? You missed his earlier post. When you only have one or two dates and no rapport under your belt - cant call her out on it. When you have a real good rapport, you can feel free to call her out on it. But you have to KNOW that you can talk to her. If you dont know, you cant ask.
txsilkysmoothe Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Considering there has only been one date, I think a "what's the deal" or "are you interested" conversation may be too early. But you told her you want a second date, she says she does also, you told her to contact you when she is ready to plan the second date. As I see it, you have two choices - 1. You already put the ball in her court, so WAIT, wait for her to contact you about the second date. OR if you just can't stand it (and sometimes we can't) 2. Email her on Match and say something like "hey, about that second date, how about Friday at 8; we can blah blah blah; let me know if this interests you. If she does not reply, give up. If she says no, of course give up. If she says I can't Friday but some other time, give up. If she offers a definite alternative date and time, there is still hope. I belong to Match and if she is logging in regularly she is interested in dating and is most likely meeting men. The only question remaining is whether she is interested in dating you. For me, I want to find out as soon as possible so I don't waste my precious time on someone who isn't interested.
bwidger Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 You missed his earlier post. When you only have one or two dates and no rapport under your belt - cant call her out on it. When you have a real good rapport, you can feel free to call her out on it. But you have to KNOW that you can talk to her. If you dont know, you cant ask. Why not? So you can see what she is really about by her actions?
meerkat stew Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 You, or someone asked, when was the right time to bring something like this up. Had we not been going so well previously, I would have just walked, but instead made an exception and said something. In that case it was the right move, but it usually is not. If it's just a matter of mixed or confusing signals, and not a bad act, then it's usually best to back off completely and move to other options. More detail about the above situation to clarify. The woman I made an exception with and I had had several "rocket hot" dates before the misunderstanding arose. Moreover, she was calling me 5 times a day and texting even more. See the distinction now?
bwidger Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Yeah, I can see what you and boogieboy are saying, and I think that it makes good logical sense... So let me get this straight right here right now... First time you contact a woman, when the ball is in her court let her make the move (i.e. call/text you when she says), and if she doesn’t, forget about her? God, I realize how easy a question this is after I type it out... but I guess the reason why it confuses me is because girls have a way of acting so interested and excited until it's crunch time, ya know? I could probably literally test a girl out early by seeing if she responds to times to call me back if I wanted to (hmmm...) lol
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