anyone who has been to IC...

[jwi71]

Affairs are HARD to break.

 

You seek them out of failure within oneself.

 

And you invest time, energy and emotion in your AP. And, the AP in return, GIVES you EXACTLY what you need. And the hook sets. Hard as hell to let go of something that good. I get it. Except it ISN'T that good. Its an illusion. You get , at best, half your AP. You are fed exactly what you want and need...after all, you were busy telling the AP "how bad it was" and in what ways - very easy to meet the needs you were telling the AP to meet.

 

Now, with those needs met the thought of returning to the spouse/bf/whoever is doubly hard. You are giving up "the good" AND returning to the BS who wasn't meeting them to begin with. Double whammy.

 

And as already mentioned...you only know the "public face". You don't know the 24x7x365 AP. Or how he acts and reacts to stress, pressure, anger or crisis. All you know is the persona they show. And anyone can be "perfect" in stolen moments. It feels like nothing ever before and how can you ever have it again. Another whammy.

 

Because, without the reality of daily life, it ISN'T REAL. How can only half the OM/OW be the whole truth?

 

No person EVER is all good all the time meeting all NEEDS spoken and otherwise. All R's have failures and shortcomings. All R's have them. All of them.

 

But never an A.

 

Why do you think that is?

[fooled once]

Actually I am in IC because I want to determine what it is that I want in life and what is best for me and for my husband. Meaning, I am not so sure it is best to work on a marriage while feeling the way I do inside. I do want my husband and our life together, but only if i can give 100%. Walking around knowing theres something out there that I'm missing is not fair to my husband and so I'm trying to figure it all out.

 

I think her suggestion of possibly listening to him was about me finding out what I want in life. Maybe I dont feel the same about him as I once did, maybe his feelings for me have changed, maybe whatever.

 

Our relationship was never about leaving for each other, and the only time I considered it was in the first moments of panic after dday. I still, to this day wouldnt want to marry this man. Not because of him, because we are at different places in our lives and I just think it wouldnt be what either of us would want in the long run.

 

So i really dont have the fear of getting sucked back in or anything of the sort. Now, knowing what he would do if there was a dday I have no desire to have an A with him. I dont want him in a R all to myself either, so its not really a risk for me.

 

Its about the constant contact attempts that leave me questioning what it is tht he has to say.

 

Oh, and there wouldnt be a meeting. it would be strictly on the phone or via email. no face to face. i couldnt do it.

 

So you have no lingering feelings for this guy? NONE?

 

Why do you feel you need to hear what he wants to say? Do you want to hear he is still carrying a torch for you? So he says that -- so what? You said yourself you don't want a relationship with him. You also say you can't meet with him face to face? Why? Because you still have feelings for him? You also say maybe his feelings for me have changed. Again I ask, so what? Are you hoping he still has feelings for you?

 

From reading your posts, I see a woman who really DOES want the MM. You chose your marriage because he tossed you aside quickly to save his marriage. You have cried many tears over him. You say it was never about leaving your marriages -- so what was going to happen -- you two were going to carry on for years being in love but not ending your marriages? Baloney. I don't believe that. I also think you really DO want a relationship with him or else it still wouldn't be nagging at you.

 

I think you are looking to validate yourself through him -- that you are the one he wants, not his marriage. You want to know that. An ego boost.

 

I can honestly bet if you DO have words with him and your H finds out - your marriage IS over. Think about how you would feel if the situation were reversed? If your H was crying over some girl for months, talking to her at work, and then choosing to 'hear her out". I would think it would be pretty upsetting for you.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

no. i still have feelings for him. i wont deny that.

 

but i just dont seem him in the same way that i used to. things have definitely changed since NC.

 

i brought up to my IC that hes constantly just asking me to hear him out. i'll admit i'm a bit curious as to what he'll say. he says i have it all wrong.

 

yes, we always talked that we would just carry on in the affair and one day it would just fade away. that didnt happen before dday. we never talked about being together.

 

i'll admit i do want the ego boost. it sucks thinking that when forced to make a choice i meant nothing. i dont understand how easily he could walk away from it all.

 

i still dont want to see him face to face. i just couldnt bear it and honestly im afraid the strength ive gained from NC wouldnt hold up to the look in his eyes. i dont want to go back to the way i used to feel about him.

 

and i do think this would hurt my H. i absolutely dont want to do that. if i chose to have a conversation with xmm it could be with H there.

[Devil Inside]

One of the first things I do with all clients when I initially meet them is to ask them what their goals are for therapy. So if the goal is to reconcile the M, then I focus on that. If it is to sort out what they want, I help them with that. The funny thing is, often times either way we work on the same thing...we work with the ambivalence that the person is facing in their life when faced with the circumstances presented.

 

MBEG one thing to consider is that your IC may be having you look at both the pros and cons of the breakig NC as a way to process the situation. Sometimes when I see a client is struggling with an issue I will often play devils advocate as a technique to help break the ambivalence. So in your case, if I see that you are really struggling with breaking NC, I may say, "well MBEG, why not just contact him?" I would do this to help jumpstart the process, it would also put you in a place to really consider what would happen if you did break NC.

 

So maybe this is what your wily IC is up to.