mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 So I recently began seeing a new IC. This one because my previous IC was also our MC and I thought it needed to be separate as now I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do vs definitely trying to save a marriage when maybe I should just let him go. my H & I decided we needed to figure out whats best for the both of us, while at the same time attending MC together. So anyway, this IC said that maybe I should talk to xmm. He went NC with me after dday but never stuck to it. I wrote him a letter about a month ago telling him he needed to stick to it and then forced him to. She said she was surprised that we actually werent talking because most people continue to talk even though the affair has "ended" and the spouse thinks NC is in place. she said i should consider hearing what he has to say. She said that NC is a strict rule when attempting to get the AP out of your head and re-focus on the M, but that when trying to makes sense of it all a conversation with the xMM may actually be helpful. As long as theres no wishy-washy getting sucked back in stuff. Anyone heard a similar view like this? Anyone done this?
jwi71 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 What does your MC say about "getting back in touch" with your lover? And your H? What does he think? Friends? Family? What do they think about initiating contact? Regardless of what I or ANYONE else thinks...you will do what you want so just do it already. Give him a ring or not...whatever you want. Stop fishing for justifications and excuses...you don't need them. 1
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 We havent started to get into these type of scenarios in MC. we are still sorting out our M and the feelings for each other before, during and after the affair. we've been talking about "us" not the A or xmm. not looking for any justifications or excuses. my question as stated in my post, was has anyone been advised of this as a possibility or has anyone done this.
jwi71 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Sorry, it sounded like you were looking to "second guess" your new IC. I would suggest this. Next MC session bring up that you want/need/whatever verb applies to contact your MM. They will ask "why"? Take it from there. Because to NOT bring it up only continues the lying...not only to your H but to your MC as well. And that kinda defeats the purpose.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 I totally agree that it continues the lies. Sometimes I have a hard time putting so much of myself into C whether it be IC or MC. it seems like these people are being paid to accomplish a task, and like it or not they have a lot of influence on how things turn out. I wonder how many situations would turn out differently with a different C. and i havent really wanted to contact him. he keeps contacting me. says theres things he needs to say. things i need to know, blah blah blah. so my IC basically said "then why dont you hear him out?" we discussed reasons to hear him out and not to. it seems here theres this strict NC rule, if not you set yourself up for heartache, pain, misery etc. my IC said it doesnt always have to be the case.
jwi71 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 The strict NC is in place because it WORKS. Too many people here can tell you that. Like I said before BEG...its all up to you. You want to hear what he has to say then listen. If not then don't. You will find the gamut of opinions...some will support your new IC and others will not. All will have valid reasons though some will resonate with you more than others. In the end, its up to you. You do or you don't. Consequences either way. I think if you keep talking to your OM...you simply fall back into the A to SOME degree. And how do you think your MC and your H will react to the "I want to hear him out" bit you give them. What will they think? I'll even go a step further. Your OM basically threw you under the bus then his W kicked HIM to the curb and filed. You're the consolation prize. I know you THINK "not me"...but you aren't strong enough to refuse. He'll say all the right things and whammo...you two are back on. So, in all these months NOTHING has changed. YOu gotta choose which man you want and work towards him. Or choose neither and walk from both. But you gotta choose. In all honestly Hamlet, er BEG, you gotta decide. Pick one and move forward.
anne1707 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 MBEG I agree that it makes sense to have a separate counsellor for IC compared to MC. However it then depends on the appraoch your IC is taking. This was actually something that I was warned about by other posters when I was about to start IC. I think some on LS have found that the IC pushes the WS towards the AP instead of focussing maybe on whether you want to stay in teh marriage (although it is essential that feelings re the AP need to be dealt with). When I started IC, I made it clear that the aim was recovery of my marriage so the IC was focussed on all the things getting in the way of that (including how I felt about the ex-OM). Do you feel as if the IC has the right focus for what you are hoping to achieve? With regard to contacting the ex-MM again. Why break NC? To talk about feelings with each other is just risking starting the affair again but you already know he doesn't want to be with you. Plus how would your H feel? This could set you back weeks/months and be the final nail in the coffin for your marriage.
jennie-jennie Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 MBEG I agree that it makes sense to have a separate counsellor for IC compared to MC. However it then depends on the appraoch your IC is taking. This was actually something that I was warned about by other posters when I was about to start IC. I think some on LS have found that the IC pushes the WS towards the AP instead of focussing maybe on whether you want to stay in teh marriage (although it is essential that feelings re the AP need to be dealt with). When I started IC, I made it clear that the aim was recovery of my marriage so the IC was focussed on all the things getting in the way of that (including how I felt about the ex-OM). Do you feel as if the IC has the right focus for what you are hoping to achieve? I was under the impression that IC is for finding out what you want with your live, with the focus on you, not the marriage.
anne1707 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I was under the impression that IC is for finding out what you want with your live, with the focus on you, not the marriage. I went into IC with the hope that it would help the recovery of my marriage which according to what MBEG has posted, is what she is after. It is very much about getting yourself sorted and what you want/how you feel but the counsellor should know what you are hoping to get out of IC. Of course you may not get what you are hoping for and that may be the right path in the end.
jennie-jennie Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I went into IC with the hope that it would help the recovery of my marriage which according to what MBEG has posted, is what she is after. It is very much about getting yourself sorted and what you want/how you feel but the counsellor should know what you are hoping to get out of IC. Of course you may not get what you are hoping for and that may be the right path in the end. Often there is a disagreement between your head and your heart what you are hoping for. Usually your head does the talking.
anne1707 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Often there is a disagreement between your head and your heart what you are hoping for. Usually your head does the talking. Not the case with me
jennie-jennie Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Not the case with me So in your case it might have been relevant to let the counsellor know that you already knew what you wanted.
anne1707 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 So in your case it might have been relevant to let the counsellor know that you already knew what you wanted. In both MC and IC, the counsellors asked right at the start what I wanted or hoped to get from counselling. It is also fair to say that the answer may be "don't know - that's why I am here" If MBEG is to meet the ex-MM, she needs to be very clear on what she is hoping to achieve by this and whether it will help her in the potential recovery of her marriage if that is what she is hoping for.
jennie-jennie Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 If MBEG is to meet the ex-MM, she needs to be very clear on what she is hoping to achieve by this and whether it will help her in the potential recovery of her marriage if that is what she is hoping for. I do agree with this, because it is oh so easy to get sucked back in.
Spark1111 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 ICs, IMHO, are about self-discovery, self-introspection and personal growth. It has been my experience that they will vehemently suggest against risk-taking, possibly self-destructive, or any potentailly painful behaviors or encounters. Most, not all, strongly advise against contacting the OM/OW in the triangle or contacting the xAP because the possibility of further pain is a very real possibility, certainly in the beginning of the healing process. Generally, you will hear something along the lines of...."well, if you continue to feel that way down the road, let's discuss it then. But for now, tell me why blankety-blank, blank.
Crazyforhim Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 MBEG - I have posted a quite lengthy reply on my intro post to your questions as to why I started IC and what I have accomplished from it. But in a nutshell, I did IC first because I could not honestly go to MC and work on my M until I was first able to know in my heart what I really wanted. Been going to IC about 6 months now and she has been great. Hasn't pushed me in one direction or the other but challenged me and in all cases, the end result is that my H doesn't make me happy and I'm not the person I want to be when I'm with him. Am I that person with my AP? I don't know but I would like to move on and try a real relationship with him to see if we're really as good together as we feel we are. He hasn't left his M yet so I am waiting at least for awhile and it will take another 8 months to get my D finalized. One big difference between you and I is that we never had a dday before I left the M and that has made things alot easier for me in this process!
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Actually I am in IC because I want to determine what it is that I want in life and what is best for me and for my husband. Meaning, I am not so sure it is best to work on a marriage while feeling the way I do inside. I do want my husband and our life together, but only if i can give 100%. Walking around knowing theres something out there that I'm missing is not fair to my husband and so I'm trying to figure it all out. I think her suggestion of possibly listening to him was about me finding out what I want in life. Maybe I dont feel the same about him as I once did, maybe his feelings for me have changed, maybe whatever. Our relationship was never about leaving for each other, and the only time I considered it was in the first moments of panic after dday. I still, to this day wouldnt want to marry this man. Not because of him, because we are at different places in our lives and I just think it wouldnt be what either of us would want in the long run. So i really dont have the fear of getting sucked back in or anything of the sort. Now, knowing what he would do if there was a dday I have no desire to have an A with him. I dont want him in a R all to myself either, so its not really a risk for me. Its about the constant contact attempts that leave me questioning what it is tht he has to say. Oh, and there wouldnt be a meeting. it would be strictly on the phone or via email. no face to face. i couldnt do it.
Spark1111 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Crazy, as a fBS, I agree with this! We went to MC, way to soon, because I, as the BS, remained unsure I wanted to reconcile! It's a process that is different for everybody! And the timing is different too!
anne1707 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 So i really dont have the fear of getting sucked back in or anything of the sort. Now, knowing what he would do if there was a dday I have no desire to have an A with him. I dont want him in a R all to myself either, so its not really a risk for me. Oh, and there wouldnt be a meeting. it would be strictly on the phone or via email. no face to face. i couldnt do it. MBEG If there is no risk of you wanting to renew the affair, why do you feel you could not meet him face to face?
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 wanted to add this to my last post: the problem is that when i started the affair i thought my life with my H was perfect. hes a wonderful husband, father, man. i dont have any negative memories or feelings. theres nothing he doesnt do right. but now, during this affair i have experienced love on a whole new level. now that ive had a taste of it i feel like i might be longing for that feeling for the rest of my life if i stay. and to respond to anne: i simply wouldnt want to meet face to face because i think that would be painful for both my husband and his wife. it doesnt need to be in person. he looked me in the eyes for so long and obviously lied, i dont need more of that.
anne1707 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Fair enough re not wanting to meet face to face. As for experiencing love at a whole new level, are you sure that is not just because it was an affair and not "real life". An affair by its nature can be exciting because of the secrecy, doing something you shouldn't, planning time together. Whereas with H and W, it is all out in the open and day to day. You are having to work to pay the mortgage, go to the supermarket, look after children - not always very exciting or romantic. In some ways the affair just remains in the so called honeymoon phase on a permanent basis because you never experience normal life with the AP.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 thats what im trying to figure out. after over 3 years together and several months of NC i still feel the same about him and our A. its not changing, drifting, going away at all. in fact, it seems to be becoming clearer
anne1707 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Clearer? In what way? I do worry for you MBEG. I know you are saying you want to make your marriage work but there is still so much focus on how you feel about the ex-MM. I was troubled by your post over Christmas where you talked about missing him. What about your H? Do you miss him? I know you are trying to work through all this but you cannot force yourself to stay with your H if you do not feel real love for him.
Crazyforhim Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 thats what im trying to figure out. after over 3 years together and several months of NC i still feel the same about him and our A. its not changing, drifting, going away at all. in fact, it seems to be becoming clearer Same for me - I still feel the same way now if not a whole lot closer to my AP after two years. However, I have heard that the newness of a relationship when you're in an A doesn't wear off as quick as it would in a normal relationship since you are only in it "part-time." When I think of a future R with my AP, there are so many things that I am uncertain of. I only know one side of him right now, the good side he wants me to see. If he leaves and at some point we try this thing out for real, I will have to get to know the true man (the one who wants to go play golf instead of just looking into my eyes, the one who gets frustrated with the kids and me, etc). Who knows he may not be the one for me after all. That's why I had to figure out on my own that I needed to leave the M and not do so because of how I felt about him or rather the "dream guy" I now know!
Crazyforhim Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 wanted to add this to my last post: the problem is that when i started the affair i thought my life with my H was perfect. hes a wonderful husband, father, man. i dont have any negative memories or feelings. theres nothing he doesnt do right. but now, during this affair i have experienced love on a whole new level. now that ive had a taste of it i feel like i might be longing for that feeling for the rest of my life if i stay. Again same for me -- thought life was perfect and didn't know subconciously I wasn't happy and was searching. My thought always was this is what life is and it's ok but never felt life it was everything I wanted. The love I feel with my AP is that whole new level you refer to. It's definitely more of the emotional connection because I have never been able to talk with anyone and be open like I can with him. Once you feel that it's hard to be content with what you had before.
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