Feeling Stupid and Weak. Kick Me?

[Vampire]

May I ask, how long did it take you to move on after NC?

Are you friends with him now?

Did you move on before him?

How long did it take you before you started dating again or kissed somebody else?

 

Sorry if it's personal, but I'd love to get a woman's opinion on these things.

I have a theory that women move on quicker than men as they usually plan the move well in advance, although I could be completely wrong.

[HLP234]

I have a theory that women move on quicker than men as they usually plan the move well in advance, although I could be completely wrong.

 

I think that is so true, usually because if they dump someone they can easily get someone else, but its not always the case. From my case, while we were dating she would always talk to her guy friend about stuff that bothered her and then he would make her feel better.

 

I on the other hand was not even aloud to hang out or talk to other girls because she would freak..even went as far as counting how many facebook pics I had with girls from college and everything..kinda crazy but I believed it because she was hurt from her last bf and all..but it only made it worse for me now.

[D-Lish]

May I ask, how long did it take you to move on after NC?

Are you friends with him now?

Did you move on before him?

How long did it take you before you started dating again or kissed somebody else?

 

Sorry if it's personal, but I'd love to get a woman's opinion on these things.

I have a theory that women move on quicker than men as they usually plan the move well in advance, although I could be completely wrong.

 

It's not too personal. I think my situation is different than yours though.

 

My exH got another woman pregnant while we were going through a rough patch and that is what ended things. We kept in contact and leaned on one another through the divorce.

 

I started seeing someone pretty soon after out of spite and anger (although I was still speaking to my ex everyday). When things got serious for the new guy after 6 months, I broke up with him and went out with someone else. I dated the next guy for a full year before leaving him as well. I clearly wasn't over my ex and I realized that I needed to start dealing with it head on instead of dating.

 

He got married to the woman he had the baby with- it is at that time out of respect for her and myself that I told my ex we needed to stop talking.

 

It took me a good 3 years to get "right" after that, maybe 2 years to stop loving him. I am def over him- but I still remember what the pain of a break up feels like- and I still avoid relationships because of it.

 

The people I dated after him were irrelevant really. I always told them I wasn't ready for anything serious and was upfront about my situation. I wasn't capable of loving them which was why I couldn't stay with them.

 

I guess I moved on with my actions, but not with my heart.

 

My best friend just left her 4 year relationship- and she's been building up to it for a year and a half. I'd say she checked out about a year before she decided to leave. She's been single for a few months and hasn't even considered being with anyone else. She's broken up about it- but her x is more broken up about it.

 

I think we're all different. I can tell you that when I truly love someone I don't get over them easily- it just isn't often that I find myself "truly" in love. It's been 8 years since my ex knocked up another woman and we started the process of mourning and getting a divorce. I've come a long way. I think I knew back then that we weren't right for one another, and we probably would have broken up eventually- his affair just fast tracked the inevitable.

 

Sorry- I just high-jacked your thread.

 

If you're fishing to find out if it's possible she's been kissing someone or dating someone- trust me, don't wonder about those things. There is no definitive pattern that you can use to profile how quickly people recover- we are all different.

[Vampire]

Thankyou very much for sharing that.

I'm just curious as to how women approach these things.

The build up that your friend had for a year and a half, re-enforces my belief that women plan these things well in advance.

 

 

Sorry- I just high-jacked your thread.

 

If you're fishing to find out if it's possible she's been kissing someone or dating someone- trust me, don't wonder about those things. There is no definitive pattern that you can use to profile how quickly people recover- we are all different.

 

 

It's not fishing. Really.

I should explain that I think my ex already cheated on me 6 years into our 10 year relationship.

She had a friend; an ex-boyfriend who now 'was just her friend'.

One night about 4 years ago, we had an argument over the phone and I didn't go home that night. I stayed at my mother's house.

Turns out that the friend came over that night, drunk.

They stayed up all night sitting on the sofa talking.

He never came back after that, nor did she ever mention him.

I had no problem with him and would tell her to make sure he's okay as he'd been stationed overseas (military).

 

She never did contact him and made constant excuses. Eventually I realised what had happened but she denied it.

No sooner had we broken up, that he turned up out of the blue and that she was planning on going out to America to stay with him for some 2 weeks.

This I found out from my stepson by pure chance.

Prior to going, she gave me months worth of "We'll get back together" - cried when I suggest she walk away and not look back and made it all seem like it was going to happen.

 

No sooner had she come back from staying with him, that she said it was over for definite and that there would be no 6 months saving grace.

 

 

I guess my confidence has always been extremely low along with self-image and this has just made it worse.

I'm still at the "No woman will ever look at me twice because I'm so ugly" stage.

 

 

You know these people who are looking for true love; the ones who walk all over us?

I sometimes wonder if they realise what true love is, and that it's been under their nose the whole time.

Too little, too late.

[D-Lish]

I can see why you would be suspicious of what happened.

 

My gf that just left her man did so because they just weren't compatible.

She loves him still, but they are completely wrong for one another. She began to check out when she was voicing her concerns about things and he didn't listen. That's when she started distancing herself- but she never cheated.

 

Making up with your self esteem is part of the process I was talking about earlier. You have to rid yourself of the negative thoughts that you are unloveable- because that simply isn't true.

[singlegirl]

Hi Vampire I am just down the road from you in Brighton. You may be stuck in the grieving stage. Your new year sounded so lonely....I forced myself to meet up with some people but felt as alone as i would have had i been.

 

I felt worse because I broke no contact and emailed him apologising for ruining everything between us. I don't know what came over me. it was new years eve and I couldn't for that instance feel that it all wasn't just my fault....I was focused in on the build up he gave to our relationship, his declarations of undying love ....His reply? I have love for you as your friend....less than a week ago he had said he wanted to marry me....He told me I could feel free to contact him with my thoughts....

 

Don't do it vampire, she may have moved on already with a man or may not but be assured emotionally she's long gone...If she loved you you guys would be having some sort of communication if only to agree to meet in 3 months to see how the relationship could be rekindled. She doesn't feel the same way you do

 

Contacting them devalues us and enables them to have the strength to push further away from the relationship they had with us. It makes them feel desirable and if we desire them they think other people will and do. We are bolstering their confidence and feeding their ego.....

 

You need to let go....

[Vampire]

she may have moved on already with a man or may not but be assured emotionally she's long gone

 

 

You see, this is the bit that tears me up and I can't understand.

Last day of September, she met me, I took her to dinner, she came back here, met my mum again, hugged me, kissed me several times and told me everything would be okay and that she would wear the engagement ring and left me feeling as if this was going to work.

First day of October and she was ignoring me and making excuses.

 

Emotionally? Manipulative and abusive.

She knows my weaknesses and what buttons to press.

She also knows it took me years to get over a particular death. Long story and no point going into it.

 

The stupid thing, is that I'd take her back in a heartbeat, knowing that it'd still be doomed further down the line.

 

Women plan it in advance.

Men? We're simple creatures really. We like to imagine that there is a way of winning a woman back, regardless of the odds stacked against us.

 

 

Your situation sounds just as harsh. From marriage to friends in a week?

I guess saying you can contact him just feeds the ego and makes him feel good about himself.

Be strong Singlegirl.

[HLP234]

Yup, they think and act based on their emotions and what they feel. We men tend to take things too literal at times and try to find out all the reasons and answers, even if we never get them.

 

In my case, I don't like being left here to hang around wondering what is happening since there never was any talk of that's it we are over. It was more like why can't you just go along be normal and if it works it does, if not than I don't know what to tell you. That's selfish and wrong of her to say and she knows it.

 

It's really hard to make your own closure and say something to end it yourself when you don't know the other person's intentions most of the time.

[Vampire]

I just can't shake this urge.

Looking at Facebook really has set me back on the road to recovery.

I haven't cried this much in a while and it's coming out at the worst possible times.

 

College starts on Monday after Xmas break and I'm already feeling the urge to throw in the towel.

 

Perhaps listening to The Cure isn't such a good idea.

 

Surely at some point, I'll stop feeling like an ugly waste of space?

I seriously feel as if I'm cracking up.

 

I ****ing hate this so much.

[HLP234]

I know how you feel exactly. College starts soon here too and I will need to put all this aside and focus on work. Its going to be hard as hell and the worst part is..she is going to be back here soon and only about 5 minutes away from where I live.

 

We still have said nothing to each other and she hasn't even let me know what day she is coming back. I miss her so much but I can't do anything about it and its going to hurt even more if it just ends up we never ever say anything to one another again...so it will probably be a "break" turned into a silent break-up.

 

You have to get your mind off of them and just focus on school now. I'm sure you can meet someone else there. I hope I can too. I need to start hanging out with more people if I am ever to erase these feelings since it seems like I will never have a closure.

 

Stay away frome facebook, hide her updates. On the right side of one of her statuses or posts, hover over it and and you will see a button say "Hide." This way, everything she writes on there, you will not see unless you un-hide her.

[Barriers-down]

i completely understand...uni on monday, but I go back on thursday. The fact that he is going to be so close to me again makes me so nervous and literally sick. i am so afraid of being tempted to break NC having him so close to me again....

[Vampire]

Sorry to hear that BD.

It's going to be tough for sure.

 

I guess the only way I can break NC is by phone, text or email.

 

I've moved from the house in West London and our paths will never cross as I'm on the other side of London now.

 

What absolutely kills me, is the silence and the way I've been completely erased from their life.

I was hoping my boy would have contacted me over Christmas, but the last time I'd arranged to meet him, apparently his mother had 101 jobs for him to do around the house, and so the tale went on until I realised what was happening.

 

 

It hurt when I found a post she'd made online back in March when we were together, and 3 months after we got engaged (her dream ring), where she was putting up her dream list of men.

She listed our dog as being the most loyal man.

 

It's little things like that, that can really kill a man's confidence and make us feel worthless.

She should never have gone out and chosen the ring if she had no intention of sticking by her words and making such a big deal about that ring in particular.

 

I didn't want her to know the ring was still there so I pretended it had been sold.

She threatened to put the phone down on me as she was so upset and angry that I hadn't bought it a week earlier.

I caved in and told her I had it - I wanted it to be a suprise of sorts, I didn't expect her to throw a tantrum over it.

 

The questions I ask every night, are "Why did you do this to me?" and "Wasn't I good enough for you?"

[HLP234]

The questions I ask every night, are "Why did you do this to me?" and "Wasn't I good enough for you?"

 

I have the same questions every time the feelings come back. Its something she will never tell me. I have my own answers but they really don't make any sense. At least if I had done something wrong or treated her badly like the previous bf's, than I would understand better.

[D-Lish]

Hi V,

 

School starting is actually a good thing.

Instead of embracing the notion of giving in, embrace the notion of immersing yourself in something. School can be your saving grace- what better distraction could you ask for!

 

You'd kick your own ass down the line if you let this break up interfere with school.

[Vampire]

Hi V,

 

You'd kick your own ass down the line if you let this break up interfere with school.

 

 

I absolutely agree with you and I know it's the most logical and sensible thing to do, but as much as I hate to admit it, my mind is back where it was at the start of this mess.

 

I know there are silent readers thinking "How is it possible to react so badly over a woman, get over it you moron", but it's so much more.

It's 10 years.

My home.

My family.

Everything that I have worked for and towards.

 

I'm disgusted with myself for having written goodbye letters.

Anyone ever get the feeling that they're beyond salvation?

I mean, realistically, statistically, not everyone is able to cope when there is **** all in the way of a support network.

 

If this were a piece of paper, I'd have dug the pen in so deep and triple underlined "I have tried so ****ing hard."

 

 

 

"To lose such an important listener in life is like losing my shadow. With no shadow, does a person truly exist under the sun? With no listener, does a person really have a voice? Silence means so many things to human beings. Some of them are unbearable." ~ Reeve Lindbergh.