Somewhat new here... My Story

[Crazyforhim]

I’ve been lurking for quite a while and getting advice, but finally thought it was time to post my story and introduce myself. Met a guy about 3 years ago at work and had an instant connection. We became good friends and talked frequently. About 2 years ago our jobs led us to working together on more frequent assignments and we became closer and were the best of friends. We were both unhappy in our marriages and after a couple of months of it becoming an EA, it moved to a PA. Like most stories here, we have an unbelievable connection both emotionally and physically, can finish eat other sentences, soul mates, etc…you know the drill.

 

So fast forward to now… I have left my H after being in IC for 6 months. I had struggled over the past year over the reasons I was unhappy in my marriage (did we have real issues before the A or was I caught up in the “fog”). Through IC, I have found the true cause for my unhappiness and made a decision to move forward and leave my M. My AP is currently in IC and is planning on leaving his M as well, but I will believe he has the strength to do that when he takes the step out the door (which I’ve learned will only then lead to chapter 2 of the drama!).

 

At this point, I am rebuilding my life, focusing on my kids and finding out what truly makes me the happy, independent woman that has slowly disappeared over the years. With regards to my AP, I am optimistic that he will leave at some point in the future and we will on day have a healthy relationship, but regardless of whether he leaves or not, I do have comfort in knowing that I truly left for me and not for him.

 

With that said I just wanted to thank each of you for your posts, your advice and being my silent support for sometime now. I never could have imagined that there were so many of us in similar situations!

 

Stampdaddy, you will be missed!

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Welcome. Sounds like you have already come a very long way. Best of luck to you.

 

You say that you have found the true cause of your unhappiness...would you mind sharing with us (not details, just the big picture). I'm wondering because I'm in a similar situation.

 

And also, why did you start the IC? Were you hoping to stay in your marriage or was it a way to help you leave the marriage? And how did you come to your conclusion?

[Crazyforhim]

MBEG, thanks for you kind words – I have always felt a connection with you and feel we have similarities in our stories. Sorry, this quite long, but hope it helps.

 

It definitely hasn’t been an easy road. I have had all the struggles that you all do (NC, breaking NC, jealousy, lies, etc). I’ve had many a day when I thought I could no longer deal with any of it and I was so embarrassed to have become so weak and dependant on a man. I think I have come along way with the help of my IC and LS, but I still have my bad days and I still talk to my AP daily which causes ups and downs.

 

Early in the summer I read “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” and “When Good People Have Affairs…” (Read these if you haven’t). Everything pointed to me wanting to be with my AP, but I never could determine if I was in the “fog” and just not thinking clearly. I began IC because I was at the point in the A and the M that I was at my wits end and needed to figure out what I needed before I lost my mind.

 

When my A began, someone on the outside could have looked at my life and thought it was perfect. I have a good husband, wonderful kids, a beautiful house and a very successful career. So with all these things why did I let myself get caught up in an A – I’m a very smart woman. I always thought it was out of boredom and I needed something more exciting to come along because I didn’t see at that point in time how unhappy I was.

 

My husband wanted to do MC, but I needed to do IC first to see what I truly wanted outside of the two men in my life. As a female, we often do things to please everyone in our lives and never take time for ourselves. When we do we feel guilty and selfish and that’s why I felt being with someone who really made me happy was just a selfish act on my part (and don’t get me wrong, I know my actions of having an A are wrong and very selfish – I am not trying to minimize my actions and the hurt we are causing).

 

My IC helped me realize that this way my life and I had a right to choose the path that would make me happy and even if I chose D, my kids would be ok because I would be a happier person and in the end would have a healthier relationship with them.

 

I didn’t truly realize the reason for the unhappiness in my M until I moved out. Being in the same house and wanting to be with someone else just amplified all the hostility I had towards my H. Once I moved out my stress level came down tremendously and I felt calmness come over me. Being away from both men allowed me to step back and truly see what I was with both of them.

 

Right before Christmas I read “The Gift of a Year” (as you can see I’m now a big Mira Kirshenbaum fan!) and began thinking about what used to make me happy years ago. The general theme I was finding was that everything that used to make me happy I had given up because of my H and his lack of interest in those things/activities. I had truly lost my self. Also, without giving away a lot of details, I also came to the realization that I had been unhappy in my marriage due to the way my husband made me feel on the inside. He had certain expectations of me as a mother/wife that I couldn’t live up to and I felt like a failure, even though I was so successful in all areas of my life.

 

So at that point I asked myself, if I work on my M will I ever be able to move past how he makes me feel? The characteristics he has that cause me to feel this way are just part of him and the characteristics that I have that cause me to feel this way (which may be unintentional actions on his part) will not change either.

 

I have figured out that I do not like the person I am in my M and have taken action. As for my AP, I cannot make him leave and I only want him to leave on his own so if things ever went sour down the road for us he can’t blame me! If we are meant to be together we will and if not, life will move on but it will be hard.

 

My IC frequently tells me whatever happens not to worry because there are over 150 million men in the US and right now my focus is on 2! That helps put things in perspective, especially on those days when they both frustrate the living daylights out of me LOL!

 

So for now, I am focusing on me, getting back to things that made me happy that I had lost, doing things with my kids and (trying) to patiently wait on my AP to figure his life out. The main difference now is that I am trying to live each day with me as the number one priority, not him!

[jwi71]

So...by "you left your H" you meant you D him right? At least filed right?

 

Because if that is the case...why are there TWO men in your your life?

 

And even if you haven't D your xH yet...why are there TWO men in your life?

 

If you have decided to move on...then move on...leaving ONE man in your life...the MM.

 

It seems odd to me that there are TWO men in your life when you have filed for D and moved on...can you elaborate?

[mybrowneyedgirl]

wow. thank you for such an honest and touching post. many of the things i could have written myself.

 

i think i'll go to the bookstore today and pick up one of the books.

 

thank you for sharing.

[xpaperxcutx]

 

So for now, I am focusing on me, getting back to things that made me happy that I had lost, doing things with my kids and (trying) to patiently wait on my AP to figure his life out. The main difference now is that I am trying to live each day with me as the number one priority, not him!

 

The bolded part worries me. It seems now that the pressure of being in an unhappy marriage is out, you're stepping into another hole ( trying) to wait for your AP. I don't know how things would eventually work out, but if you can keep up the mindset that whether your AP comes through or not and you'll still be happy, then that's all that matters. Only time can really tell.

[Crazyforhim]

So...by "you left your H" you meant you D him right? At least filed right?

 

Because if that is the case...why are there TWO men in your your life?

 

And even if you haven't D your xH yet...why are there TWO men in your life?

 

If you have decided to move on...then move on...leaving ONE man in your life...the MM.

 

It seems odd to me that there are TWO men in your life when you have filed for D and moved on...can you elaborate?

 

jwi71 - sorry for the confusion. There were two men in my life when I was in the A. I have since moved out, figured out what I wanted and filed separation papers. Cannot finalized the D until I've been out 12 months. I knew my wavering was not fair to my H so I have moved on and let him do the same so that he can find someone to give him the love he deserves.

 

The bolded part worries me. It seems now that the pressure of being in an unhappy marriage is out, you're stepping into another hole ( trying) to wait for your AP. I don't know how things would eventually work out, but if you can keep up the mindset that whether your AP comes through or not and you'll still be happy, then that's all that matters. Only time can really tell.

 

xpaperxcutx, I would be lying if I said I could care less whether he leaves or not, because fact is, I love this man and want to try a relationship with him. I am 100% convinced he truly wants out, but only 50% convinced he has the strength to do it. I will only believe it when I see it.

 

I am not to the point I am interested in dating yet, so right now I'm not moving on completely from my AP. Our contact since I have moved out though has been limited. He seems sincere about getting out of his M and I love him enough to give him some time which he has asked for. I do have a firm date set to completely move on from him (which he is unaware of) and if he has not taken any real actions to that point I will move on from him.

[Crazyforhim]

wow. thank you for such an honest and touching post. many of the things i could have written myself.

 

i think i'll go to the bookstore today and pick up one of the books.

 

thank you for sharing.

 

 

I think they'll really help you. I would suggest getting "When Good People Have Affairs" first - that one helped me the most.

[jwi71]

I have figured out that I do not like the person I am in my M and have taken action.

 

Wait, wait wait.

 

The person you are?

 

How is the person you are any different in the M vs divorced?

 

As for my AP, I cannot make him leave and I only want him to leave on his own so if things ever went sour down the road for us he can’t blame me! If we are meant to be together we will and if not, life will move on but it will be hard.

Impossible. YOU are a factor and always will be. To claim otherwise is utter nonsense. You know this. And because you two began as an A...it will always be a possible excuse.

 

I say this because it sounds like you are hedging your bets here. And if you are hedging your bets with him, then you aren't giving 100% to him. Doesn't seem fair to not give it your all then blame "him" or "the situation" when YOU held back.

 

My IC frequently tells me whatever happens not to worry because there are over 150 million men in the US and right now my focus is on 2!

What's wrong with focusing on ONE?

See, it sounds like you are getting out of a M where you weren't happy and you aren't really ready for another R. Just dating and fun. I can;t put my finger on it but I don;t think another R is what you need. Just date and have fun.

 

And not a MM.

 

You omitted the hell HE put you through. It doesn't get any better.

 

So for now, I am focusing on me, getting back to things that made me happy that I had lost, doing things with my kids and (trying) to patiently wait on my AP to figure his life out. The main difference now is that I am trying to live each day with me as the number one priority, not him!

Uh-oh.

 

Waiting.

 

This forum is FULL of OW waiting. I would read...

[Chingaling]

I think they'll really help you. I would suggest getting "When Good People Have Affairs" first - that one helped me the most.

 

 

CFH, I admire your strength and your conviction.

 

May I ask a question, drawn from my own experiences?

 

During your marriage, did you ever have periods of what I would call "coasting" - the times inbetween the bad times, where things settle down until the next escalation? There have been numerous times during my marriage when I just plain thought I couldn't take it any more but then I get over the hump, forgive and forget, and coast along until the next time the same thing happens? Which finally brings me to the point where I ask myself why I didn't save myself all the hurt and aggravation of trying to work things out and leave many years ago?

 

At what point did you gather the strength to make a decision, announce it and stick with it? Did your ex-husband know about your AP? Did you use the affair to ensure that you could leave?

 

I am only asking because I think that in my situation I would rather wait for the next escalation (my husband is a drinker and it is New Years!) when he is angry and aggressive to announce that I am in fact leaving rather than approaching him during a lull. I know that is a cop-out, but I also know this guy and that is the only way I will be able to make him see that his behaviour pattern has contributed to my wanting to leave.

 

For the record - the last two escalations were particularly bad, and I told him both times that I was done and that I was leaving. He has been pretty good since then, but the damage has been done - it is too late - since he obviously loves the bottle more than he loves me. My grown children are aware of the situation, and both are amazed that I managed to hang in this long.

 

My final question...if I may... did you or do you feel any guilt for leaving your marriage because of the impact on your ex? Or has he recovered quite nicely and moved on?

 

Sorry - I just need to talk to someone who has been there.

 

And yes, there is an AP waiting for me - although the A is NOT the cause of the marriage breakdown. There were always three in our relationship - me, him and his bottle, and the bottle is a greedy mistress.

 

Thank you....

[Crazyforhim]

During your marriage, did you ever have periods of what I would call "coasting" - the times inbetween the bad times, where things settle down until the next escalation? There have been numerous times during my marriage when I just plain thought I couldn't take it any more but then I get over the hump, forgive and forget, and coast along until the next time the same thing happens? Which finally brings me to the point where I ask myself why I didn't save myself all the hurt and aggravation of trying to work things out and leave many years ago?

 

I did. We would argue, I would want to leave and then things would settle down. I would always feel like I was the only one unhappy and the failure of the marriage was my fault because I was the one who had the A. So during the “down” times I would stick it out for the sake of the kids.

 

At what point did you gather the strength to make a decision, announce it and stick with it? Did your ex-husband know about your AP? Did you use the affair to ensure that you could leave?

 

I think a big turning point for me was when I found an email that my xH had sent to a female friend of his that we’ll just say was “inappropriate.” In my mind I was always the one who crossed the line and he had never done anything to betray me. Once I realized that it wasn’t 100% all me, that gave me the “permission” I think in my mind to go. I had always felt guilt for being unhappy when I thought he was “role model” husband but the email proved otherwise.

 

Another thing that my IC recommended that has helped is to document all the reasons I am unhappy in the M and why I left. She said to keep this close to my side as I go through this process and it will give me the strength to know that I made the right decision for me, regardless of what emotions are playing with my heart that particular day.

 

My recommendation to you is if you don’t have the strength to leave now, be sure to document these escalations soon after they happen so during the “down” times, you can go back, reread them and see what you really went through. I know in my “down” times I would try to convince myself that things weren’t really as bad as I thought they were and would try to justify in my mind staying.

 

My xH knew my AP existed and that we were close friends, but didn’t know the full extent of the relationship (EA or PA). I know it was unfair to him and wrong to not fully disclose, but my AP and I work together and could both lose our jobs if the relationship was disclosed.

 

I am only asking because I think that in my situation I would rather wait for the next escalation (my husband is a drinker and it is New Years!) when he is angry and aggressive to announce that I am in fact leaving rather than approaching him during a lull.

 

My final question...if I may... did you or do you feel any guilt for leaving your marriage because of the impact on your ex? Or has he recovered quite nicely and moved on?

 

If you expect another escalation tonight, please be careful if he is drunk. If you need that escalation to catapult you out of the marriage I don’t necessarily think it is a bad thing, it is just an up front reminder of the reasons you're unhappy.

 

I felt guilt for leaving the M sometimes as he did not want it, but I think the motivation for him is to save face and not let his friends/family know that our life wasn’t “perfect.” I am a good person and don’t like to see anyone hurt. I only moved out a few months ago, so right now my main focus with him is trying to be “civil” for the kid’s sake and make their adjustment a little easier.

[Chingaling]

Thank you, CFH... your post helps immensely. I would really like to go for IC, but I know that my decision is made and I need to follow up soon before one of the lulls traps me into sticking around for the next swig from the bottle.

 

I certainly should have left many years ago. Now that my children are grown and I realize that this marriage is not going to improve there is no longer any reason to stay.

 

I doubt there will be a problem tonight, maybe tomorrow when the 10 tallboys are gone before three o'clock - mysteriously consumed in the garage. I'll be fine - I expect it now and so I am prepared for it.

 

I am happy for you that you are doing so well...

 

Again, greatly appreciated.

[Crazyforhim]

You're more than welcome and if you want to talk some more let me know. Hope you have a Happy New Year!