GraySkies Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 (edited) I am new here so I will try to condense my story. I was in a 10 year relationship with my ex. The last 5 have been LDR. During the last 5 years we got married, divorced 7 months later, reconciled for 4 months, split up for a year with only phone calls and emails, reconciled in November 2008 and split again Dec. 10, 2009. This last split I tried so hard to hold it together when he said he wanted to leave (he left all the other times too). I tried talking to him and he went straight NC. I went to check the credit card to pay and noticed he had charged over $1000.00 and never told me. I called to ask him about it and he ignored my calls. After several calls I lost it and said some of the worst things to him that I ever had, really bad stuff but true. You see during our 10 years he has quit 6 jobs and I always picked up paying his bills, rent, car, etc..During this past year I have been overloaded with problems, my fathers house burned down, my father diagnosed with Alzheimers then Parkinsons, my mother had a heart attck and I lost my job 2 months ago. I fell to pieces and reached out to the "love of my life" and he was too busy dealing with his own life. I was ignored and fell apart. After no contact about the credit card I sent him an email to which he replied the next day. In it he told me that I had pushed him away with my hurtful messages and that I would never be seen, heard or looked at by him ever again in this lifetime. I deleted all emails from him and to him that day. I listened to Cali-Guy and went all NC, something I have never done before. This was on Dec. 23rd. Well today Dec.30 my ex responds to the 12/23 email again with a nasty note about how I need to stop pushing him and leave him alone. I never responded and so he called the home phone. I picked up without looking as I was expecting a call from my sister. My ex proceeded to scream about why I had resent the email and to just leave him alone. You see I never resent the email as I deleted all of them last week. I told him of such and was called a liar and that I only sent it to talk to him. I mean I went NC with no intention of bothering myself about him. So why does he contact me in such a way? During the call he proceeded to tell all that I had done to him and how I stepped over my boundaries and how I had always tried to get at him and attack him during our relationship. I don't know why he is choosing this route. What makes him call as if I initiated and then attack? I mean I thought this guy was the love of my life. He left me for a year and I was there when he decided to come back. Why did he feel the need to reiterate to me that our relationship is over and he hopes I find my way. Please someone enlighten me as I am so confused and hurt by this. I feel like he has dragged me kicking and screaming back to day one of NC. Edited December 31, 2009 by GraySkies
curiousnycgirl Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 We can only guess at his motivations. I am assuming when you saw the $1,000 charge you cut off his access to your cards, if not do it immediately! Protect yourself. If the answer is yes, you have already cut him off, that could be a reason for his attack. Reality is who knows and who cares? From now on check your caller id before you anwer the phone even when you are expecting a call - ALWAYS. You have way too much on your plate to deal with his petty BS. My heart goes out to you. We're here if you need us.
Author GraySkies Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 curiousnygirl, I thank you for your response and concern for me. I did remove him from my card. His email just showed up after 7 days NC and rocked me. I believe its a crumb as I have never just gone complete NC after our other breakups. Just don't understand the need to hurt me further as I gave him what he wanted which was out.
curiousnycgirl Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 As you said, you've never gone NC before - now he is just trying ot get a response from you, he doesn't care if it is a good or bad one. He's like a poorly behaved child. You've taken control and he doesn't like that. Doesn't that feel great? It should, you should be very proud of yourself. And you need to stick to it! It's hard, it hurts trust me I know. Today is 30 days NC for me. We can do this!
Author GraySkies Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Well needless to say I spent all night arguing with my ex. I know I didn't check the caller ID (knew it was him). When I picked up he proceeded to tell me everything I did wrong that caused the breakup. He told me that I pushed him away and that he was gone. I told him that was why I had not contacted him in 7 days to let him move on as he wanted. Whenever I tried to explain anything he was defensive and cruel. I broke down in tears and of course he attacked this as well. After hanging up on me, he called back after an hour to tell me that he was just tired of me always attacking him whenever we split up. The only attacking I ever did was in telling him each and every time that I was always there for him and gave him whatever he needed or wanted. You see whenever he left it was always after I had experienced some event in my life such as when my son got arrested and went to prison for 2 years, and I fell apart. He never even flew to my town to console me. After listening to me cry for 3 weeks he told me he had too much going on in his life to deal with what was going on in mine. He left and for over a year I didn't see him our only contact was an occasional email or call. He came back and I let him. So this time he decides to leave after I lost my job and my father was diagnosed with Parkinsons. I have been treated for depression because of the situation and and I asked him why he wasn't here for me again. He said he had a new job that he had always wanted and that he couldn't even enjoy it because I had so much drama going on in my life. Talking to him last night was like him ripping out my heart and tearing it to shreds as I watched. What is wrong with me? How do you love someone who blames you for your despair? I know I said somethings to him that I probably should have never said but I was hurt, alone and abandoned. He always makes me feel that I pushed him to leave. His words never say what he has done wrong. It seems that no matter what this man did or said to me I never left. I always waited around for him to come back. How do I make me whole again? I am so upset and shattered I can't think. I have cried all night and just feel destroyed. What do I do?
curiousnycgirl Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 OMG what a manipulative SOB! You have to stop letting him affect you! Next time he calls, just let him yell. Let him scream, let him say whatever - do not defend yourself. Just listen to him and realize how ridiculous he is. how stupid and how very wrong. And when he's done, very quietly tell him that you got it, in fact you got it the last time he called, then ask him why he keeps calling. Trust me I grew up in an emotionally abusive screaming environment, if you stay calm and do the above - he will feel like the fool that he is. You will finally have the upper hand. Regardless of what he says in response - your final words should be, ok bye then. This will be hard. I know it will - but I also know it will work. Good luck!
Author GraySkies Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Thank you for your words. You have made me feel better. As I said this is the fourth breakup and each time almost the same behavior from him. Its always what I have done wrong and how he has tried but can't do it anymore. I know I need to just change all my numbers and disappear from him but something inside of me won't let me do it. Its like I know I should but my heart says no. My head wants to heal but my heart is sticking around, I guess it hasn't been broken enough.
curiousnycgirl Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Thank you for your words. You have made me feel better. As I said this is the fourth breakup and each time almost the same behavior from him. Its always what I have done wrong and how he has tried but can't do it anymore. I know I need to just change all my numbers and disappear from him but something inside of me won't let me do it. Its like I know I should but my heart says no. My head wants to heal but my heart is sticking around, I guess it hasn't been broken enough. ok that was true the first, second and third time - but NOT the fourth! the fourth time you are going to change the way you respond. You are going to take back the power, hold your head high, let him rant, let him rave - and stay perfectly calm. do not defend yourself - there is nothing to defend. There is no need to respond to his accusations - and there is no benefit to be gained by doing so. you can do this - and you will feel FABULOUS afterwards. Just give it a try.
Author GraySkies Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 Thanks again for your words of encouragement. Last night was horrible as I just missed my ex and wonder why I continue to torture myself. I know who he is and what he is and yet I linger. I guess I am just waiting for the man I thought he was to show up, if he ever existed. What makes me hold on after all the pain I have already subjected myself to? Why do I think I even matter to him? Damn love will destroy you if you let it.
hrtbrk hotel tenant Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 yeah went through something similar ex and i broke up 6 months ago after a month we started kickin it again but neva reconciled our differences should have had counciling b/c we were good together so we stop talkin i think she was seein someone else well she found someone in oct. and really just cut in off no talkin just *snip* that hurts the worse when NC just starts no explanation or anything i weep and hurt constantly. tried to move on but havent i am cursed with lovin her forever
Author GraySkies Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 I know exactly how you feel. I love this man with all my heart and yet I am cast out like something he scraped off of his shoe. I know people will say just walk away but when you have given all of yourself its really hard to move past your heart. I know in time I will put on the face and do the motions but I will always love him.
D-Lish Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Your ex is manipulative. His behaviour is indicative of a man that has lost control, and the only way he can gain it back is to deflect blame from himself. He's not capable of being insightful, he's not capable of facing his own issues- so he blames you. I know it might not seem so right now because you still love the man, but you will be better off without a person like him in your life. People like him live in a bubble, never taking responsibility for their own destructive behaviour because to do so would negate the entire fantasy world he's built in his own mind. Stay strong with the NC, it's the right course of action for you. It's time for you to take control- never "wait" for this man again, he's burned his bridges.
Author GraySkies Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 D-Lish....I agree with you. He has manipulated me the whole time we were together. No matter what transpired between us, he always made me feel it was my fault and that I had forced him to react the way he did. I also agree that he has burned the bridges. Now I need to convince my heart what my head knows is true. I thank you for your words as you encourage me to look at him for who he is and now what I wanted him to be. Thanks Again!
D-Lish Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 D-Lish....I agree with you. He has manipulated me the whole time we were together. No matter what transpired between us, he always made me feel it was my fault and that I had forced him to react the way he did. I also agree that he has burned the bridges. Now I need to convince my heart what my head knows is true. I thank you for your words as you encourage me to look at him for who he is and now what I wanted him to be. Thanks Again! That's exactly what it is about, separating the truth from the fantasy. It doesn't happen easily in your own head- but it always helps to have people validate such a thing for you - especially when you are in the break up fog.
Author GraySkies Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 Thanks for your words of comfort D-Lish. Its been a strange day for me. Its my birthday and its been 7 days NC. My ex texted me happy birthday at 7am and I didn't see it till 10:30. I did not respond. I checked my email and at 7:30am he emailed me to say happy birthday just in case his text wasn't received. I did not respond to this one either. Well, anyway he called the home phone later which doesn't have caller ID and I answered to him wishing me a happy birthday. I said thank you and then he proceeded to tell me that we needed some time to sort out our own issues and that he was having a hard time with some of things said to him. I told him to take all the time he needed as I needed to take care of me. It hurt to be so short and cold but I felt like it was the only way to respond. I have thought about nothing but him since and it has placed me close to tears again. I am being strong and I thank you and the others who have helped me on this journey of rediscovering me as a person and not we the couple. Its a hard road but I see light at the end of the tunnel! Thanks again!!
D-Lish Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Happy Birthday! You're doing the right thing by telling him you want space as well. It's obvious that as soon as you appear to be gaining control momentum, he starts reaching out more. I think you'll feel best if you stick to NC with him. He really has to experience what losing you is like- and he won't truly get to know that feeling if he knows that with enough persistence you will talk to him.
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