zhsoj Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Man, seeing all these responses from women about how they prioritize intelligence makes me wish more men felt this way about women! Actually I've been criticized in the past for expecting too much intelligence in women I date. Which actually isn't true as I'm not that smart myself and I value compassion and an open inquisitive mind above book smarts. Yes a background in science or education is a big plus for me, no she does not need to know the Marcus theory... It's actually kind of funny as my experience has taught me to play down my education and work. More often then not when a girl finds out what I do or what my education is, she gets a blank look in her eye and quickly finds a way to retreat. I've learned that if she asks what I do or am interested in, I should downplay it and instead express what I want to accomplish with it. If I come right out and say what I do or am interested in, I think she feels intimidated and doesn't know how to find common ground for discussion after that. Frankly way too many people define themselves by what they do and what they know. I'd rather talk about what we like to do and what we'd like out of life rather than what we memorized in class.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 (edited) Well, here's my perspective. I absolutely love intelligent men. If I know that I'm quite a bit smarter than guy, he's instantly cancelled off my "potential date" list. I don't care how great of a career he has, or how how he cute he is, I just have trouble rolling with someone who isn't smart. As for shyness? That's been a double-edged sword for me. I've always been attracted to shy guys, for a variety of reasons. But I have to admit that now I'm a lot less inclined to date shy men. I've been in a few relationships with shy men, and after some time with me -- after I have built up their confidence, helped expand their social skills and circle, added to their image of how they see themselves by being their biggest cheerleader and best friend -- it's like a "light" goes off in their heads. They feel more confident, and express that confidence in a variety of ways. My ex-husband expressed it by leaving me for a co-worker he barely knew. I realized that I have a tendency to create an unhealthy dynamic with a less confident person. My friends even jokingly call me the "Man-Betterer," because it seems I take socially awkward guys, dress 'em up purty, and then they leave for the next shiny thing, taking their confidence and my hard work with them. It's as much my fault as it is theirs, and while I realize I have this co-dependent aspect about myself, it's still hard for me not to give of myself to help someone in an area where they are struggling. I'm a natural problem solver, so it's one issue I'm working on. But while I work on it, I have been trying to stick to guys who have confidence going in and can move smoothly in any social situation and already know how to live life as someone who isn't shy. I still like a littly shyness and will take that over the "playa" any day, but no, I tend to avoid shy men as a rule now, due to my own past experiences and my own unhealthy interactions with them. Just a different perspective. Edited December 31, 2009 by CrestfallenNoMore
Sharla Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Perhaps a rather muddled combination of traits, but I ask because I consider myself very intelligent, yet very shy (these two traits are very prominent in my personality, I feel). I open up to women after I get to know them better, but I wish I were more outgoing in the opening stages of things. It feels like I'd have a lot more luck, that way. Regardless, I am wondering where you all rank intelligence. I consider it my strongest attribute (not trying to be arrogant here), but I sometimes wonder if it's overrated with most women. My second question is about shyness: Do you find shyness a turnoff? When might you find it endearing/cute, if at all? If it isn't a turnoff, at what point WOULD it be a turnoff? Would it kill interest, or are you more patient when it comes to getting someone to open up? Just throwing all this out there to see what you gals think. Intelligence is attractive, but I think emotional intelligence is much more sexy because it shows that you are in tune. Arrogance is not sexy to me, confidence is, however that doesn't mean he has to be confident all of the time, no one is and it's unreasonable to expect that from someone. As for shyness, I def think it's cute and very endearing, but it's sometimes difficult to decipher a person's shyness because it can come across as non-interest.
Author Vertex Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Intelligence is attractive, but I think emotional intelligence is much more sexy because it shows that you are in tune. Arrogance is not sexy to me, confidence is, however that doesn't mean he has to be confident all of the time, no one is and it's unreasonable to expect that from someone. As for shyness, I def think it's cute and very endearing, but it's sometimes difficult to decipher a person's shyness because it can come across as non-interest. I don't necessarily mean "booksmart" intelligence, to clarify. I consider someone "intelligent" when they are very observant/thoughtful (those traits carry over into many different facets of life). Articulate speech is great, as is emotional insight. I don't really care if someone isn't into, say, physics -- I have friends I can talk with about that stuff. XD But passion is important. There just needs to be some degree of intellectual stimulation/compatibility, and that can be achieved in a variety of ways (even through humor).
Sharla Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I don't necessarily mean "booksmart" intelligence, to clarify. I consider someone "intelligent" when they are very observant/thoughtful (those traits carry over into many different facets of life). Articulate speech is great, as is emotional insight. I don't really care if someone isn't into, say, physics -- I have friends I can talk with about that stuff. XD But passion is important. There just needs to be some degree of intellectual stimulation/compatibility, and that can be achieved in a variety of ways (even through humor). Yes I know. I think for someone to be observant/thoughtful, indicates a level of emotional intelligence on their part, and that's what I was kind of referring to. Passion is important too
threebyfate Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Give me an intelligent man, any day of the week! TBH, EQ is over-rated. Better to have a woman with high EQ, rather than a man. If intelligence is there, combined with emotional availability, strong communication and resolution skills, and compatibility between partners, this trumps a sensitive man. I sometimes think that some women want men to be women.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I would say I am very confident but just shy. I know I have a lot to offer someone, but that initial "meeting someone" hurdle is just a bit tricky. I think the way to get over that hurdle is just to jump right over it -- or, to use a different analogy, dive right into the conversation. I'm not a guy and have never been the pursuer, so my advice on the best lead-ins is thin... but what has always worked best on me is a simple comment about our surroundings, an easy, conversation-starting question, something like that. Flirtatious, player-sounding lines do not work. For me, that's an immediate fail. Some simple getting-to-know-you comment or question does work. If she's interested, that will be plenty. As for the questioning/interview portion, yes, the first few interactions are usually heavy on that. But in my experience, a high-quality gentleman will give more than half of that "stage time" to the lady. So, mainly you just need to ask good questions, be a good listener, and keep the conversation flowing.
Recommended Posts