Vertex Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Perhaps a rather muddled combination of traits, but I ask because I consider myself very intelligent, yet very shy (these two traits are very prominent in my personality, I feel). I open up to women after I get to know them better, but I wish I were more outgoing in the opening stages of things. It feels like I'd have a lot more luck, that way. Regardless, I am wondering where you all rank intelligence. I consider it my strongest attribute (not trying to be arrogant here), but I sometimes wonder if it's overrated with most women. My second question is about shyness: Do you find shyness a turnoff? When might you find it endearing/cute, if at all? If it isn't a turnoff, at what point WOULD it be a turnoff? Would it kill interest, or are you more patient when it comes to getting someone to open up? Just throwing all this out there to see what you gals think.
shadowplay Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Perhaps a rather muddled combination of traits, but I ask because I consider myself very intelligent, yet very shy (these two traits are very prominent in my personality, I feel). I open up to women after I get to know them better, but I wish I were more outgoing in the opening stages of things. It feels like I'd have a lot more luck, that way. Regardless, I am wondering where you all rank intelligence. I consider it my strongest attribute (not trying to be arrogant here), but I sometimes wonder if it's overrated with most women. My second question is about shyness: Do you find shyness a turnoff? When might you find it endearing/cute, if at all? If it isn't a turnoff, at what point WOULD it be a turnoff? Would it kill interest, or are you more patient when it comes to getting someone to open up? Just throwing all this out there to see what you gals think. Intelligence is HUGELY important to me in a guy. In fact, it surpasses any other trait in importance. That said, while necessary it's not sufficient. I don't how other women feel. Shyness depends. A bit of shyness can be endearing, but too much is a turn off. All else being equal I'd prefer a more extroverted guy. I like guys who are charming, lively conversationalists and have some charisma. Shy guys generally lack these traits.
PinkToes Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Intelligence is key for me, also. Especially if it goes deeper than just knowing a lot of stuff; like a balance of knowledge, wisdom and curiosity. Making me think; I like that. I used to be very shy too. Went through college without ever saying anything out loud in class. But I happened to get into a line of work that pretty much forced me to be more outgoing, so it's gotten easier. And I've gotten pretty good at faking it, when necessary. The thing I've learned is that asking a lot of questions and really listening to what people say can help in social situations, because it keeps you from worrying too much about what you're saying and what people might be thinking about you. And 9 times out of 10, other people will come away convinced you're a brilliant conversationalist, because they enjoyed talking about themselves so much!
Author Vertex Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Intelligence is key for me, also. Especially if it goes deeper than just knowing a lot of stuff; like a balance of knowledge, wisdom and curiosity. Making me think; I like that. I used to be very shy too. Went through college without ever saying anything out loud in class. But I happened to get into a line of work that pretty much forced me to be more outgoing, so it's gotten easier. And I've gotten pretty good at faking it, when necessary. The thing I've learned is that asking a lot of questions and really listening to what people say can help in social situations, because it keeps you from worrying too much about what you're saying and what people might be thinking about you. And 9 times out of 10, other people will come away convinced you're a brilliant conversationalist, because they enjoyed talking about themselves so much! Very, very helpful advice for me. I typically ask questions whenever I can and don't like talking about myself too much, but you raise a very good point here that I'll definitely keep a bit further up in priority.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Intelligence is the #1 turn-on for me. Always has been. A little bit of shyness can be endearing, but not too much. I like being with a partner who can engage other people, make things happen, take charge. Shyness basically boils down to insecurity, not believing you have anything valuable to contribute or offer others in conversation and connection, or worrying that you will not make a good impression. I want to be with someone who comes after me with confidence because I am what he wants -- and only a guy with a reasonable degree of confidence will do that. Overcoming shyness really does just take determination and practice. I am a natural introvert, and I used to be pretty shy. I still have my insecurities sometimes, but I am a lot better at getting out of my shell and getting to know people than I used to be. It makes a big difference.
sugar_and_spice Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Intelligence is key for me, also. Especially if it goes deeper than just knowing a lot of stuff; like a balance of knowledge, wisdom and curiosity. Making me think; I like that. I used to be very shy too. Went through college without ever saying anything out loud in class. But I happened to get into a line of work that pretty much forced me to be more outgoing, so it's gotten easier. And I've gotten pretty good at faking it, when necessary. The thing I've learned is that asking a lot of questions and really listening to what people say can help in social situations, because it keeps you from worrying too much about what you're saying and what people might be thinking about you. And 9 times out of 10, other people will come away convinced you're a brilliant conversationalist, because they enjoyed talking about themselves so much! +1 agree with this
Author Vertex Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Intelligence is the #1 turn-on for me. Always has been. A little bit of shyness can be endearing, but not too much. I like being with a partner who can engage other people, make things happen, take charge. Shyness basically boils down to insecurity, not believing you have anything valuable to contribute or offer others in conversation and connection, or worrying that you will not make a good impression. I want to be with someone who comes after me with confidence because I am what he wants -- and only a guy with a reasonable degree of confidence will do that. Overcoming shyness really does just take determination and practice. I am a natural introvert, and I used to be pretty shy. I still have my insecurities sometimes, but I am a lot better at getting out of my shell and getting to know people than I used to be. It makes a big difference. It's very easy for me to be charismatic/extroverted once I've relaxed around someone, but the opening act is always really hard. I'm fine with engaging people but my problem, I think, is just not really knowing what to say without things feeling like an interview or something. I typically have a hard time making small-talk, whereas I'm much better at having more "involved" conversations.
theBrokenMuse Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Intelligence is the biggest turn on in the world to me and shyness has never been an issue as for some reason introverted people seem to relax easily around me after a little bit. Anyhow, I also agree with what was said about liking a man that makes them think - one that offers the chance for a little intellectual conversation.
Author Vertex Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Intelligence is the biggest turn on in the world to me and shyness has never been an issue as for some reason introverted people seem to relax easily around me after a little bit. Anyhow, I also agree with what was said about liking a man that makes them think - one that offers the chance for a little intellectual conversation. I love conversations that make people think. I just wonder sometimes if it's a trait women actually admire or not. In my experience (and maybe this is primarily a function of age), things tend to be more sexually geared than they are intellectual.
PinkToes Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I used to have to go to a lot of political fundraisers, where I was pretty much required to mingle with total strangers. It was terrifying. So I actually got in the habit of going up to someone who was standing alone and saying, point blank: "I don't know anyone here. Can I talk to you?" And they probably felt really sorry for my pathetic self, but it usually worked. And one way to get past the feeling that you're Interview Man is to make sure your follow-up questions feed off of something they said. It shows you're really listening, and it's totally flattering when someone can make you feel like you're absolutely fascinating. A man who can look at me and listen to me as if there's no one else in the world at that moment is someone I'll definitely remember.
Author Vertex Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 I used to have to go to a lot of political fundraisers, where I was pretty much required to mingle with total strangers. It was terrifying. So I actually got in the habit of going up to someone who was standing alone and saying, point blank: "I don't know anyone here. Can I talk to you?" And they probably felt really sorry for my pathetic self, but it usually worked. And one way to get past the feeling that you're Interview Man is to make sure your follow-up questions feed off of something they said. It shows you're really listening, and it's totally flattering when someone can make you feel like you're absolutely fascinating. A man who can look at me and listen to me as if there's no one else in the world at that moment is someone I'll definitely remember. It's just that to me, "follow up questions" still feel like more questions that add to the "interviewesque" aspect to it all. I'll try to deviate from that by occasionally commenting on something or interjecting some relevant point or joke, but the whole introductory-conversation stuff is just not my forte. I might just be overcritical of myself here, though. If, for some reason, I manage to move past that hurdle with someone, everything's great from there on out and it all feels so much more natural and easier to me. Do you guys find that those initial conversations are primarily a bunch of questions? It just doesn't feel natural to me, and I'm not even sure what it's supposed to feel like, to be honest.
TheWatcher Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 (edited) I like guys who are charming, lively conversationalists and have some charisma. Shy guys generally lack these traits. You're absolutely right.I'm a pretty shy guy myself and I do lack charm, charisma and personality.I am also an extremely poor conversationalist. As well,we tend to have issues involving self-esteem & confidence;which could explain why we happen to be so shy. Edited December 31, 2009 by TheWatcher
theBrokenMuse Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I just wonder sometimes if it's a trait women actually admire or not. Not every woman is impressed by intellectual prowess but would you really feel fulfilled if dating a woman whose idea of being well read meant having a subscription to Cosmo? I'm guessing not. It is a trait that is admired by the kind of woman that would likely be intellectually stimulating to you in turn.
Author Vertex Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Not every woman is impressed by intellectual prowess but would you really feel fulfilled if dating a woman whose idea of being well read meant having a subscription to Cosmo? I'm guessing not. It is a trait that is admired by the kind of woman that would likely be intellectually stimulating to you in turn. Absolutely. I love intelligent women. I've dated both highly-intelligent and moderately-intelligent women before in the past, and my conversations were always so much better with the smarter women.
PinkToes Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 It's just that to me, "follow up questions" still feel like more questions that add to the "interviewesque" aspect to it all. I'll try to deviate from that by occasionally commenting on something or interjecting some relevant point or joke, but the whole introductory-conversation stuff is just not my forte. I might just be overcritical of myself here, though. If, for some reason, I manage to move past that hurdle with someone, everything's great from there on out and it all feels so much more natural and easier to me. Do you guys find that those initial conversations are primarily a bunch of questions? It just doesn't feel natural to me, and I'm not even sure what it's supposed to feel like, to be honest. I think it's part of being shy that makes you evaluate everything you say. I mean I still do that too; I'll worry that something I said was stupid or lame or whatever. But the thing is, I don't think I've ever come out of a conversation thinking, "that person asked way too many questions... I felt like I was being interviewed." I mean it can feel like that when you're doing it, but it just doesn't look that way on the other side. It just feels that way because you're worried about what people are going to think about you. But they're not thinking about you at all; they're thinking about themselves. Sort of like when you trip walking down the street, and someone sees you, and you're thinking, "how embarrassing... they probably think I'm a total klutz." But when you see someone trip walking down the street, you're probably thinking, "that poor guy, he's probably embarrassed..." We assume we're being judged, and we judge ourselves. Other people put themselves in our position and feel sympathetic.
Author Vertex Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 I think it's part of being shy that makes you evaluate everything you say. I mean I still do that too; I'll worry that something I said was stupid or lame or whatever. But the thing is, I don't think I've ever come out of a conversation thinking, "that person asked way too many questions... I felt like I was being interviewed." I mean it can feel like that when you're doing it, but it just doesn't look that way on the other side. It just feels that way because you're worried about what people are going to think about you. But they're not thinking about you at all; they're thinking about themselves. Sort of like when you trip walking down the street, and someone sees you, and you're thinking, "how embarrassing... they probably think I'm a total klutz." But when you see someone trip walking down the street, you're probably thinking, "that poor guy, he's probably embarrassed..." We assume we're being judged, and we judge ourselves. Other people put themselves in our position and feel sympathetic. Very true, thanks for the insight!
xXMarlboro_ManXx Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I guess I should start hitting the books.
and.then.some Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 For me, it would depend on just how shy, and... just how long it takes the guy to open up. I tend to follow the male lead. So, if he's very quiet with me, I won't be very likely to be more talkative than he is. For me to be patient, he would have to be pretty obvious in his interests, and there would have to be something about him that holds my attention. I would rather a guy turn completely red all over, stumbling over his words in trying to have a conversation with me, than to not say anything at all because he's too scared. (That is, of course, only if the feeling is mutual. :-) ) As I don't really pursue men, and am used to the more assertive types, I wouldn't really know what to make of a man who happened to be extremely shy. In the end, I would probably second guess myself and believe he wasn't very interested. I truly believe that, at the end of the day, everyone goes after what they really want. As for intellect, it's very important. However, I would expect that a degree of wisdom, maturity, and foresight come along with it. It doesn't mean much for a man to be intelligent and yet immature, foolish, and wholly impractical. It's not necessary that he conduct experiments in the basement, but it is rather frustrating when, while having a casual conversation, a man asks "what does that mean" on a regular basis. I'll take the cute nerd over the pretty boy meat head any day. :-)
Crazy Magnet Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Men with brains!! :love: I don't care how good looking a guy is, if he doesn't have brains I can only take so much. It's VERY important to me that I find a man who is smart. I have always been a very shy person, but once I have learned to be more open and chatty over the years. I always get nervous before a first date too, but my philosophy is just to go out there and give me my best. Being raised in the South, I could talk to a brick wall for an hour, so I channel some Southern charm. What's interesting is I'm very introverted by nature, and I recently met a guy who is also very introverted. Oddly enough, when we get together or talk on the phone neither one of us ever shuts up. I think when you click with someone it's easier to open up sooner.
pandagirl Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Intelligence is very, very important to me. So incredibly sexy. That being said, you still need a personality. Being smart without any other outstanding traits, is like being really good looking but totally boring. Shy is ok, as long as it isn't debilitating. Reserved is also fine. Also, I've found you can be shy and also confident -- super hot.
Crazy Magnet Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Intelligence is very, very important to me. So incredibly sexy. That being said, you still need a personality. Being smart without any other outstanding traits, is like being really good looking but totally boring. Shy is ok, as long as it isn't debilitating. Reserved is also fine. Also, I've found you can be shy and also confident -- super hot. Be still my heart! My dream man.
txsilkysmoothe Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Intelligence is the number one turn on!!!!!! As long as shyness doesn't prevent a man from communicating and it dissipates as he gets to know me, it's not a problem. I find it more acceptable in younger men as I believe it should be overcome as one matures.
espec10001 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Intelligence is really the ability to focus the mind or concentrate. People who have a stronger ability to concentrate have higher levels of intellect. The focused mind is a very powerful tool. This is an imperative skill in conversation because if you focus on the person you are speaking to you will never wonder about what to say. Don't know what to say? Talk about them or ask a question, people like talking about themselves, especially women!
shadowplay Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Man, seeing all these responses from women about how they prioritize intelligence makes me wish more men felt this way about women!
Author Vertex Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 I would say I am very confident but just shy. I know I have a lot to offer someone, but that initial "meeting someone" hurdle is just a bit tricky.
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