lucielady Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Hi I'm sorry this is going to be a little long but its been a long devestating 5 months. I was married for 10 years to my ex we had two children we had some very bad times but we worked through them and came out stronger for it i thought. In August this year on the first day of our family holiday he told me he wasn't happy and needed some space. I was mortified and took it really badly telling him to go then if thats what he wanted. rather than fighting back he just agreed but I had to spend the week totally lost and trying to hold it together for my kids so they could enjoy their holiday. The following week I had to go on a camp with a youth club i run and hold it together for them. He came to visit one of the days but was sulky and I lost my temper and told him i wanted him out by the time i got back. again no fight he just agreed. when i returned from the camp i took the children out to dinner and told them what had happened and that daddy wasn't going to be there when we got home. nothing prepared me for the shock of finding he had taken every single thing that belonged to him not a trace was left, He had moved in with a female work colleague and he claimed it was a platonic relationship but i was so angry i didn't believe him and that is where it went even more wrong. i was so angry and hurt i couldn't talk to him without calling her and him names and generally acting mental. the whole thing has deterieated so badle that i had my kids taken away at one point because i "needed a rest" I have been detained under the mental health act for threatening to kill myself i cut all my arms so badly i had to go to hospital. I have hounded him threatened him pleaded begged apologised and then started all over again. Its no wonder that he now wants nothing to do with me other than be there for his kids. but all of this was borne out of the love i still feel and the amount he has hurt me. he told me he would have tried at the beginnning but now he hates me. I have treated him so badly i dont know how to fix it anymore. He wants us to try to be friends for the childrens sake but i wish in a way he would go far away and leave us alone. NC has never been an option because of the children and I have tried really hard to behave with decorum. I am now classified as having severe depression and on pretty hefty medication. But none of that helps I just want him home. He is now in a relationship with the girl from work and I know i have forced them together. I have to deal with my kids coming home and telling me *she* di this and that and hearing what a great time they have with them. Life at home is very difficult for them I dont enjoy being with them anymore all the joy has been sucked out of my life. I'm not proud of how I have behaved and I take responsibility for all of it. How can I even begin to move on now after all of this? How can I ever get him to forgive me? How can life be normal when this has happened?
anne1707 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 You did not force him to do this. It is not you that has done something that he needs to forgive. He has done this. He has lied. He has taken the easy option without even giving you the chance to stand your ground. I know this is not what you want to hear, but things will never be the same again. The way he was able to move out so quickly and so cleanly () says so much about him. Please see a lawyer and make sure you and your children get everything you are entitled to.
lostboyuk Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Hey lucielady I feel for you so much, I can't begin to imagine how difficult things seem for you right now. I'm not in a similar position but am feeling much of what you describe for other reasons. I think our current situations make us feel we have to do something big and do it NOW just to get some control over things. The only thing we know and have security in is the way things were, therefore naturally feel that the only thing that will help is what we had. Today for me has actually been by far the worst day of my life and I'm pretty sure I have one or two days of even worse to go through yet! But, and it's the biggest but ever I have realised in the last few minutes (despite lots of advice on LS) that I have to start with me and I've just this minute breathed deeply for the first time when it came to me that I can't fix anything immediately (NOW), I can't magic what I had back in an instant but what I can do, and this is very very important, is accept the fact that it will take time. It's not knowing it will take time that helps because that actually hurts, it's about accepting it but you can and will get there. One other word that I hope may comfort you, I've also come to the conclusion that we are all actually more emotionally capable than we give ourselves credit for, the fact we're on here, openly talking about our feelings to me means not that we 'don't know what to do', we do know what to do because we're on here starting to learn. My thoughts are with you..... My thoughts are with you
Zeegagge Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Hang in there, things won't be the same, they'll probably be better.
hopesndreams Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 What do you need to be forgiven for? Don't blame yourself. Don't beat yourself up anymore. He was the one that wasn't "happy" and wanted out of the M. In order for him to do this he hooked up with another woman to look for that happiness. He was too weak and thick to figure out that other people can't make us happy, happiness can only come from within. After being with you for 10 years, he wasn't capable of moving on to a more mature love, and instead wanted those first feelings of love, new love, that he once had for you but the only way he could figure out how to do that was by getting a replacement. Commitment meant nothing to him. I have treated him so badly i dont know how to fix it anymore. He has treated you so badly. He didn't give you a chance to fix anything because he never let on anything was broken. He was broken. He cheated. He is now in a relationship with the girl from work and I know i have forced them together. He was in that relationship when he was still with you. You didn't bring those two together. You were deceived for quite the while before he upped and left. I just want him home That isn't going to happen and even if it did, he is no longer the man you once knew. That man you knew, is dead. Gone. You need to mourn. One day you will feel normal again, but only if you let go and even after doing that, it will still take awhile to find peace. It's something that you have to work for, it doesn't just happen.
Author lucielady Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 I just wanted to thank you all. I came on here last night and I was close to suicide. I sat and read your replies not really believing them. I sat on the forum until about 4am reading other peoples stories and I began to realise that I had to take control and tell him to get lost. we had a meeting set up today to discuss a few bits about the divorce and the kids and I could see in his eyes him thinking oh here we go again but I walked in sat down told him he was an idiot and he has lost the best thing that had ever happened to him. I told him the kids will never properly get over this and that I think he's a liar. Then I slapped a seperation agreement on the table which basically said here's the access arrangments for the next 6 months they are non negociable here's how much you will pay me into this bank account and told him he could collect and drop off from his mothers. Other than that I did not want to hear or see him for a minimum of 3 months. He looked absolutely shocked! I feel so good ok I know its still going to be hard and its a long road but I finally feel that I've taken control. So thanks
lostboyuk Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Lucielady you go lady! I did pick up on your feelings when I replied and please know I/we are here for you. I'm no expert at this stuff, I'm new and never been through this before but you know another thing I found today? We can all learn so much about ourselves, not from listening to one person or another solely but from accepting and embracing the fact that we have choices, power and we are most certainly not alone. Much love.....lostboy
Vampire Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I slapped a seperation agreement on the table which basically said here's the access arrangments for the next 6 months they are non negociable here's how much you will pay me into this bank account and told him he could collect and drop off from his mothers. Other than that I did not want to hear or see him for a minimum of 3 months. Go there girl! That's perfect. I wish I had stayed strong when I tried to take the power back, but she caught me off guard within minutes of saying my bit. You however, have done a much stronger and better thing. Stay focused and you will see this through. I know it will be really hard at times, but ultimately, strength is the key to paving a new road for yourself. As for that 4am feeling last night? Right there with you sister, but we can't ever give in to these kinds of people. We're worth more. Much more. Talk hard!
curiousnycgirl Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Holy cow - you go girl! I am so impressed - can you bottle that kind of strength because if so you will make a mint! So happy that our being here can help. Please keep us posted on how things go.
hopesndreams Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I am giving you credit where credit is due. It may have taken 5 months to get to this point but, as of now, you are absolutely remarkable. Such strength. Stay strong. Do not waver. When you feel the weakness coming back, and it will, sadly, post on your thread and we will do our best to see you through.
Lost Fish Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Fantastic Lucie! I'm so glad to hear you took the steps to move forward. Take that strength this new independence is giving you and run with it! Live the life you are meant to live and let him see what a huge mistake he made. We are all behind you here at LS! And also - we all go a little crazy when dealing with real heartbreak. So don't beat yourself up about it ever again. Be well! Be Strong! Be you!
singlegirl Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Lucielady I find this incredible, how some people can drive you to insanity and walk away totally unaffected..... what he did to you is called "gaslighting" he made you believe that your perception of reality was not "real" this caused you to have an emotional breakdown. you are not mentally ill http://www.helium.com/items/110746-gaslighting-the-extremes-of-emotional-abuse
Author lucielady Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 omg that rings so true, I have accused him of trying to make me crazy before. I am doing well so far although cross he has texted me already (about the kids) I ignored it. The depression is not imagined I am a lofelong sufferer but he used that as a weapon against me,
LovelyDaze Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 omg that rings so true, I have accused him of trying to make me crazy before. I am doing well so far although cross he has texted me already (about the kids) I ignored it. The depression is not imagined I am a lofelong sufferer but he used that as a weapon against me, Hi lucielady. I am so sorry your ex-husband did what he did. Most of us on here do have cowards for exes. Not to call them that to be cruel but because of the way they handle relationships. I dont know if you read my posts but I have an ex who left me for an 18 year old(We are in our early 30s) and got engaged to her after knowing her only 2 weeks. He has ALREADY tried to get back with me and that just reeks of dysfunction. Just like my ex, yours needs to take a LONG break from being with anybody and discover who HE is. You can't drift from relationship to relationship expecting great results. That's like shining a turd. Stay strong EVERY SINGLE TIME you have to see him. Don't badmouth him in front of the kids and always show sheer class because while he is in the inevitable fail of this new relationship he has, he was slowly watch you become graceful, independent, no-nonsense, and beautiful. He may even want you back..yes, even after all of this..it happens. But don't give him an inch. Take time to be single and discovering the beauty of peace from all of the drama. In time when you heal, a wonderful man is going to come along and he will feel like the luckiest man in the universe to be by your side!
lostboyuk Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 LovelyDayz That was beautiful, not my thread but relate to it somehow but not directly. Keep strong lucielady. You're doing amazing.
Author lucielady Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 I had some friends over tonight, friends that were important to me but not to him. For the first time I felt totally on my own, not alone but actually on my own. It was liberating but at the same time sad. I never wanted any of this but feel I am starting to move on. Thank you to all posters for your support.
lostboyuk Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Keep doing what you're doing lucielady, you seem to have come a long way in a couple of days. Lot's of you time, we're here for ya.
Ro2Pi Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Hi Ms. Lucielady, As a child from a divorced family the best advice I have is to try your best to stay strong in front of your kids. Don't confuse whatever your ex does as a reflection of your values. There is no excuse that can satisfy the need for deception. You're doing an amazing job and I wish the best for you and your children. Much Love.
LovelyDaze Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 LovelyDayz That was beautiful, not my thread but relate to it somehow but not directly. Keep strong lucielady. You're doing amazing. Thank you, lostboyuk! lucielady, we are all here for support and have all become friends thru our struggle. We can do it!!! Let's make this year we show our exes what we are made of...integrity and strength! Should we all run for office now? LOL
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