meerkat stew Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I'm thinking he is more concerned about her having been M before, and not so concerned with her not sharing everything up front. Look, he said he was in love with her. Love conquers all. She obviously felt he would find it a deal-breaker which belies her behavior. She was afraid he would act as weakly as he did. Most people can handle a previoius M and being a step-parent. Why can't the OP? My interpretation is a bit different. Something he had told her previously, or something in his profile led the GF to believe this would be a dealbreaker for him, else she wouldn't have stated that she knew he would dump her over this (unless she was talking strictly about the lie) yet she continued for months to deceive him. Still think they should try to patch up if everything else is going so well, he does use the "L" word after all, but only if there is complete disclosure going forward and they have some firm understandings. Someone's preference to not date divorcees or single parents is a legitimate preference, and IMO too much is being made of OP's assumed preference here. I've been nixed several times for never having been married, and once for not having children even, preferences are just a given reality one has to deal with. People are entitled to their preferences, even if they are shallow (not saying OP is shallow).
Author cybotron Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 I guess all three reasons concern me. I understand people get married and sometimes they don't always work out so they get divorced. I have several friends that were in the same situation. I can look past at the failed marriage but mentioning the child at this stage is a little sketchy. I have nothing against children as I love them. I guess she was afraid to tell me about her marriage and child as she knew I would leave her. A lot of people would back off once hearing someone was divorced and has a kid..But me being in my mid thirties usually most people already are married and have kids at this stage..It's tough finding someone still single that hasn't been married or has kids at this stage....Don't get me wrong there are a ton of single people like myself but that is another topic... I guess she wanted to tell me but couldn't and once she did that I would never see her again. She was having such a good time and didn't want it to end but finally sent the letter to explain everything... I think my main concern is what other lies if there are any will come out of this...She is away for the holidays visiting her relatives and will be back soon. I'm going to have a face to face discussion with her and see if there is any more to the story..This has been on my mind the last few days and I'm not sure if I should end this or continue... Thanks for all your thoughts and opinions...
threebyfate Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 cybotron, how did you get the impression that she was single, with no kids?
White Flower Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I guess all three reasons concern me. I understand people get married and sometimes they don't always work out so they get divorced. I have several friends that were in the same situation. I can look past at the failed marriage but mentioning the child at this stage is a little sketchy. I have nothing against children as I love them. I guess she was afraid to tell me about her marriage and child as she knew I would leave her. A lot of people would back off once hearing someone was divorced and has a kid..But me being in my mid thirties usually most people already are married and have kids at this stage..It's tough finding someone still single that hasn't been married or has kids at this stage....Don't get me wrong there are a ton of single people like myself but that is another topic... I guess she wanted to tell me but couldn't and once she did that I would never see her again. She was having such a good time and didn't want it to end but finally sent the letter to explain everything... I think my main concern is what other lies if there are any will come out of this...She is away for the holidays visiting her relatives and will be back soon. I'm going to have a face to face discussion with her and see if there is any more to the story..This has been on my mind the last few days and I'm not sure if I should end this or continue... Thanks for all your thoughts and opinions... That is a valid concern. You want someone who can be completely transparent with you. I hope you make it safe for her (not judge too harshly) so that she always feels she can confess anything to you. She may have trust issues in her past such as a father dying too young (abandonment issue) or her exH leaving her/judging her/not accepting of the real truth with her. Good luck.
oxfordsocks Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Did you ask her ever if she had been married before or if she has children? I know (or have heard) that talking about having a child can be so difficult--i had a siingle parent cousin(male) and it was always so difficult at the beginning as to when to tell this information. She is part of a package. Sounds like you need to talk more to her. Write a list of questions for her so you don't forget when you stark talking(not romantic but sometimes its hard to focus) sending a letter istead of talking face to face is kind of a ucky way to learn of a child and marriage but maybe she has been rejected so many times she couldn't bare doing it in person with you. at your age nothing comes in a perfect package--but its up to you --its actually all up to you for your next step. Good luck to you, but do what makes you happy our life on this earth is so short to be miserabe.
Author cybotron Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Well looking back now I guess I am kind of at fault here as you can see below it is the exact post I posted on a dating site...I did not mention about meeting someone married before or who had kids..Only myself...I guess I'm part to blame on this.. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want a relationship, I do. But I’m not about to just jump into one. I’m much more interested in meeting someone for a fun date and getting to know that person. For now, I’m interested in going out, having fun, doing things together, and seeing where it takes us. Looking for someone who can make me smile even when you're not with me. I love to meet someone that is passionate and spontaneous. Someone that doesn't live in the past and expect the best of the future. My friends say I’m laid back, easy going, a great listener, honest and have a great personality. I enjoy working out, music, sports, movies, beaches, and seeing new places... I have never been married and have no kids. I do not smoke and only drink socially. I am 5'9 brown hair, brown eyes and in decent shape. I would love to meet someone with similar interest. looking for someone between the ages of 29-36. If interested send me a short bio along with a photo and we can take it from there.
threebyfate Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 It doesn't matter what you posted, did you ever ask her about her past relationships?
Author cybotron Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Past relationships were discused but her being married before and having a kid wasn't mentioned until now...Only ex boyfriends and people she has dated after the divorce...One part of me is ready to close this deal off and walk away...The other part of me is to talk to her face to face...This is a tough one...
threebyfate Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 So, she lied by omission to avoid a dealbreaker, waiting instead for you to invest first, before divulging a ready made family and a past marriage.
Author cybotron Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Yea not a good way to start a relationship...But I have feelings for her as she has been so nice to me.
meerkat stew Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Yea not a good way to start a relationship...But I have feelings for her as she has been so nice to me. Your heart is in the right place. Everyone makes a dread mistake in every relationship, no one is perfect. At least you know in this one that you still have your mulligan intact for when you mess up and she has to measure up and gain your trust. Not the worst position to be in if you can forgive and move forward with her.
Brightmoon Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 If you have feelings for her cybotron, real feelings, then why not get over the shock of the information and take it form there.... carry on and see how it goes?
TheLoneSock Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I would grow up and take it like a man. This has absolutely nothing to do with him being able to be a man or not. That is a ridiculous and cutting comment. It's like telling someone who just got hit by a car to stop being a baby about the pain and get over it. Really.
TheLoneSock Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 (edited) Is your issue that she didn't tell you she was married, the fact that she has a kid, or the fact that you don't want anything to do with divorced women? I had some guys trip out when I told them I was divorced - it was pretty humiliating to be judged like that. If she's experienced the same judgement, perhaps it has made her cautious when it comes to opening up about it. Regardless, I don't know why she'd with hold that information for 3 months. Her situation is nothing to be ashamed of. I don't think you should give her a second chance if you have strong opinions against dating a divorcee with children. ^ This Hiding something she knew would be a dealbreaker for you, especially a child from a previous marriage, is all kinds of wrong. Someone like that is capable of all kinds of dishonesty, whether outright lie or lie by omission. It's not fairplay to just drop a ready made family on someone, AFTER they've invested. I'd drop her like a hot rock. ^ This Hmmm, I don't like this. I think it is of bad character not to mention a child. Let alone to keep it hidden for 3 months! The bottom line is I think you should be more concerned with her lack of consideration for her child than anything. She put her need for affection above her own child. That! Is the red flag! I cannot imagine the kind of mother who would do this. I could see if she didn't go into detail on her profile, but at the very least should have mentioned the child on the first personal communication. She should NOT be saying..."I know you will leave me now" She should be saying: "I'm ashamed that I didn't mention my child for fear I would not get a date." This I could comprehend from an 18 year old...but someone in her mid thirties...NO WAY! ^ And this... These are all chunks of advice that need to be listened to, OP. They are from experienced women, one is a divorcee, one is a mother; and they echo what I said originally. Edited December 31, 2009 by TheLoneSock typo
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