cybotron Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I started internet dating and met someone online. I posted an ad on a dating site and she replied..We talked by email then by phone in order to know each other better. We finally met for the first time and we really hit it off. We continued seeing each other every weekend and talked almost everyday. We have been dating for 3 months and we seemed to have great chemistry. Until I received an email letter from her...She sent me a letter stating she was married before and has a daughter. This was not mentioned at all by her when we first met. She states she wanted to tell me at first but always put it off. She knew once she told me I would end the relationship. She was with someone that was abusive and the marriage didn't work out. I understand some people make mistakes and sometimes all marriages don't end up like they should. In the 3 months spending time with her I fell in love wth her. But since I got this email It is making me want to end this relationship. She's a very nice person and treats me very nice. I'm happy to be around her. I have never been married and I have no children. I am in my mid thirties and she is too. I have never dated someone who has been married before...In the letter She states I know you will leave me after you read this letter and that is what I am most scared. I am scared that you will not see me again. If it is the case, then I wish you all the best...What would all of you do in this situation?
stevejohnson1976 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I say see past it, but be cautious. its a big deal that she lied.... but i believe this is not a deal breaker of you truly love her.
alphamale Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 i think u need to figure this one out cybotron. only you can make the decision to continue the relationship
TheLoneSock Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I started internet dating and met someone online. I posted an ad on a dating site and she replied..We talked by email then by phone in order to know each other better. We finally met for the first time and we really hit it off. We continued seeing each other every weekend and talked almost everyday. We have been dating for 3 months and we seemed to have great chemistry. Until I received an email letter from her...She sent me a letter stating she was married before and has a daughter. This was not mentioned at all by her when we first met. She states she wanted to tell me at first but always put it off. She knew once she told me I would end the relationship. She was with someone that was abusive and the marriage didn't work out. I understand some people make mistakes and sometimes all marriages don't end up like they should. In the 3 months spending time with her I fell in love wth her. But since I got this email It is making me want to end this relationship. She's a very nice person and treats me very nice. I'm happy to be around her. I have never been married and I have no children. I am in my mid thirties and she is too. I have never dated someone who has been married before...In the letter She states I know you will leave me after you read this letter and that is what I am most scared. I am scared that you will not see me again. If it is the case, then I wish you all the best...What would all of you do in this situation? The relationship thus far has been built on a lie. That (should) create some trust issues in you, as any self respecting person would not be able to accept being lied to like that. Hiding being married before to an abusive man is not nearly as big a deal as hiding a child from you. The two of you being in your mid thirties I can understand how a child would have come into her life by now, but to hide that from you for THREE months is ridiculous. It is no longer a relationship that you would be stepping into with her, but a family. The things you have to decide are whether or not you really love her, if you are into her enough to accept her lying to you, and if you are ready to have a child that isn't yours become a large part of your life - because make no mistake, that WILL happen; it's a package deal. Don't be afraid to walk away from this if that's what you want. You WILL find other women; women that won't lie to you and are 'clean slates' per say.
meerkat stew Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 If everything else is great, I would consider giving her one pass on this, and making it very clear that all undisclosed things need to be brought out into daylight immediately. As others have said though, it's kind of beyond the scope of internet advice in this situation as to how you feel about it.
stevejohnson1976 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 The relationship thus far has been built on a lie. That (should) create some trust issues in you, as any self respecting person would not be able to accept being lied to like that. Hiding being married before to an abusive man is not nearly as big a deal as hiding a child from you. The two of you being in your mid thirties I can understand how a child would have come into her life by now, but to hide that from you for THREE months is ridiculous. It is no longer a relationship that you would be stepping into with her, but a family. The things you have to decide are whether or not you really love her, if you are into her enough to accept her lying to you, and if you are ready to have a child that isn't yours become a large part of your life - because make no mistake, that WILL happen; it's a package deal. Don't be afraid to walk away from this if that's what you want. You WILL find other women; women that won't lie to you and are 'clean slates' per say. i wouldnt say its been built on a lie...there has been a lie. if she were a dude and was a transgender female, that would be "built on a lie" im not saying what she did was right, but like said above, only YOU can figure this one out. Tread slowly and cautiously and communicate with her.
Author cybotron Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Thanks for the responses. I agree it's probably a situation I need to think it through and make on my own...I do find it harder to date now as I am getting older and am meeting more and more people who either had a kid or been married before..I guess it is something I am not used too. Most of my friends married young while I am still single... I agree with this statement... "It is no longer a relationship that you would be stepping into but a family" I do want to settle down and have a family one day..I was very close at one time as I was engaged but it was broken off cause it didn't work out...I guess I will just have to think this through and hope I make the right decision.
White Flower Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I started internet dating and met someone online. I posted an ad on a dating site and she replied..We talked by email then by phone in order to know each other better. We finally met for the first time and we really hit it off. We continued seeing each other every weekend and talked almost everyday. We have been dating for 3 months and we seemed to have great chemistry. Until I received an email letter from her...She sent me a letter stating she was married before and has a daughter. This was not mentioned at all by her when we first met. She states she wanted to tell me at first but always put it off. She knew once she told me I would end the relationship. She was with someone that was abusive and the marriage didn't work out. I understand some people make mistakes and sometimes all marriages don't end up like they should. In the 3 months spending time with her I fell in love wth her. But since I got this email It is making me want to end this relationship. She's a very nice person and treats me very nice. I'm happy to be around her. I have never been married and I have no children. I am in my mid thirties and she is too. I have never dated someone who has been married before...In the letter She states I know you will leave me after you read this letter and that is what I am most scared. I am scared that you will not see me again. If it is the case, then I wish you all the best...What would all of you do in this situation? I would grow up and take it like a man. So what if she's been M before, big deal. People M D'd people every day of the week. You don't even know if you can father children which is perfect, at least she has one. Her fears are very real to her and my guess is that she's very intuitive about how you would respond given her email with a bail-out-now-if-you-want escape card. But if you say you have chemistry and the last three months have been great then why not accept her for who she is?
meerkat stew Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I would grow up and take it like a man. So that's what people are supposed to do when someone they are building a relationship with reveals a serious lie that has been perpetuated over several months?
PinkToes Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Seems like a lot of variables at play here. What she did was wrong, no question. But I'd cut her some slack for her reasoning; if she were terrified of how you might react, she obviously cares about you. I doubt she went into the situation planning to lead you on and deceive you as long as possible. I'm guessing she struggled with the issue in her head a lot. I may be totally wrong, but that would help me accept what happened, if that were the case. Did you ever have any sort of discussions that required her to flat-out lie? That would be important to me also. If it never came up, she may have been trying to find the perfect time, or at least get a sense of how you would feel beforehand. Also if her husband was abusive, she may be feeling a bit ashamed of that as well, and wanted to make sure she could trust your reaction before sharing that. I don't agree with keeping it from you either, but if she did that out of fear, I'd find it easier to accept, I think.
D-Lish Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Is your issue that she didn't tell you she was married, the fact that she has a kid, or the fact that you don't want anything to do with divorced women? I had some guys trip out when I told them I was divorced - it was pretty humiliating to be judged like that. If she's experienced the same judgement, perhaps it has made her cautious when it comes to opening up about it. Regardless, I don't know why she'd with hold that information for 3 months. Her situation is nothing to be ashamed of. I don't think you should give her a second chance if you have strong opinions against dating a divorcee with children.
Vertex Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Tricky one! In your shoes, I'd honestly let that omission slide, even though to me that is more of a red flag indicating emotional immaturity than a flag indicating intrinsic dishonesty. At the very least, she was obviously fearful over it to begin with and was able to overcome this fear enough to let you know what was on her mind, which is commendable. That being said, the more important question here is whether or not you're willing to stay with her even though she has a child. That's something obviously only you can answer.
threebyfate Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Hiding something she knew would be a dealbreaker for you, especially a child from a previous marriage, is all kinds of wrong. Someone like that is capable of all kinds of dishonesty, whether outright lie or lie by omission. It's not fairplay to just drop a ready made family on someone, AFTER they've invested. I'd drop her like a hot rock.
Throne Of Lies Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 GTFO. She concealed a baby from you? That is so far on the side of not awesome that I can't even see it from where I am standing. So far, she has crappy judgment for marrying an abuser, worse judgment for having a child with him, and no respect for you as anything other than an emergency ready made dad for her spawn. Plus, she clearly is as proud of her baby as she is of her stellar decision making ability, since she hid the brat from you the entire time. NOT. Bail Bail Bail Bail.
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 The circumstances of her life are not what bother me. I mean, afterall, I'm dating a man that's the primary caregiver of his 3 children and he's divorcing. But I have been married before. I don't understand the stigma against divorcees. What DOES bother me was that she didn't say anything about it until now. I mean, gees, if she can hide something that big, what else is she hiding? Was she formerly a MAN married to a WOMAN and she just went through a sex-change? I really, really, really dislike honesty. Lying by omission gets under my skin so bad. I'm not sure if I could forgive it. I'd have to sit down with said person face-to-face and explain how important honesty is to me and go from there. Depending on what they have to say and how strongly I feel about them, I'd have to see how my heart feels.
New_Life08 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Hmmm, I don't like this. I think it is of bad character not to mention a child. Let alone to keep it hidden for 3 months! The bottom line is I think you should be more concerned with her lack of consideration for her child than anything. She put her need for affection above her own child. That! Is the red flag! I cannot imagine the kind of mother who would do this. I could see if she didn't go into detail on her profile, but at the very least should have mentioned the child on the first personal communication. She should NOT be saying..."I know you will leave me now" She should be saying: "I'm ashamed that I didn't mention my child for fear I would not get a date." This I could comprehend from an 18 year old...but someone in her mid thirties...NO WAY!
D-Lish Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Hmmm, I don't like this. I think it is of bad character not to mention a child. Let alone to keep it hidden for 3 months! The bottom line is I think you should be more concerned with her lack of consideration for her child than anything. She put her need for affection above her own child. That! Is the red flag! I cannot imagine the kind of mother who would do this. I could see if she didn't go into detail on her profile, but at the very least should have mentioned the child on the first personal communication. She should NOT be saying..."I know you will leave me now" She should be saying: "I'm ashamed that I didn't mention my child for fear I would not get a date." This I could comprehend from an 18 year old...but someone in her mid thirties...NO WAY! That's well said. I can understand not mentioning a divorce right away- but not mentioning having a child? I don't understand that.
horrorgirl Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I think you have to evaluate the situation. 3 months is not a long period of time, and while you feel strongly, she may have felt the relationship was not yet serious. there is also the issue of bringing around a man around your children---as a woman, if i were a single mom, i probably wouldnt let any man i am dating be around my children for many many months. i would say to have a good talk with her and take it slowly. it is not right she lied, and there may be reasons why she is fearful---maybe she didn't want to appear to have a lot of baggage as many people say they dislike that thing. maybe she has had a lot of men really like her, but split once they hear she has a child.
txsilkysmoothe Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I'm shocked that you thought you could find a good supply of women in their thirties who have never been married or who don't have children..... My issue would be with the fact that she lied and what kind of woman denies her child?? Is a child a reason for shame or embarrassment? A woman who acts childless for 3 months and is worried about your acceptance of her child is not relationship material or parent material, IMO.
White Flower Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 So that's what people are supposed to do when someone they are building a relationship with reveals a serious lie that has been perpetuated over several months? I'm thinking he is more concerned about her having been M before, and not so concerned with her not sharing everything up front. Look, he said he was in love with her. Love conquers all. She obviously felt he would find it a deal-breaker which belies her behavior. She was afraid he would act as weakly as he did. Most people can handle a previoius M and being a step-parent. Why can't the OP?
White Flower Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 That's well said. I can understand not mentioning a divorce right away- but not mentioning having a child? I don't understand that. She should have mentioned it but she was timid for whatever reason. Maybe she is a timid person by nature or maybe she finds the OP intimidating. My ex didn't tell me about his child until I was already in love. I accepted him anyway but looking back, it did show a pattern in his behavior that never changed. I had hoped at the time he would just grow out of it.
D-Lish Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 She should have mentioned it but she was timid for whatever reason. Maybe she is a timid person by nature or maybe she finds the OP intimidating. My ex didn't tell me about his child until I was already in love. I accepted him anyway but looking back, it did show a pattern in his behavior that never changed. I had hoped at the time he would just grow out of it. Well I asked the OP earlier what the core issue is- the lying, the fact she is divorced, or that she has a child. He hasn't answered. I suspect he has issues with a divorcee as much as he does with the lying. I experienced that judgement after my divorce- some guys had a huge issue with it. I can understand keeping it to herself for a couple of dates- but 3 months seems impossible to keep that kind of secret. In 3 months, he's never been to her place? Where was she hiding her child?
blueberries Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 i think that if you really fell in love with her then you should be able to handle this. the fact that you possibly can't, suggests to me that you don't actually love her. but then again it's only been 3 months. like others have said, think about priorities, what you want long term, family values, your family's thoughts etc etc.
White Flower Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Well I asked the OP earlier what the core issue is- the lying, the fact she is divorced, or that she has a child. He hasn't answered. I suspect he has issues with a divorcee as much as he does with the lying. I experienced that judgement after my divorce- some guys had a huge issue with it. I can understand keeping it to herself for a couple of dates- but 3 months seems impossible to keep that kind of secret. In 3 months, he's never been to her place? Where was she hiding her child? That is a very good point. And I was also concerned about which he was more angry, the lie or the being M before.
meerkat stew Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Where was she hiding her child? Don't all single parents have one of those sliding bookcase secret rooms to hide their children?
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