bettermustcome Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Hi, so this is a bit of a strange and different story. My ex and I were together for almost 6 years and lived together for almost 5 years.. We have been through a lot of triumphs together, one for example, was that his ex-girlfriend had his baby while we were together. Hid did not cheat with her, she was 2 months pregnant when they broke up and did not tell him until she gave birth, atleast this is the story that I am being told. Our relationship throughout has been very good, he was actually very great. But, and it is a big BUT, he often lies. And about the stupidest things, I will never understand why. He would lie about new stuff that he bought, as if I would be upset that he spent money on himself, which is ridiculous. He lied about paying child support, said he didn't but he really did. We have never argued about money so I think that this has something to do with his past. He was with his ex for 9 years and she seemed pretty horrible and I have had first hand experience of just how much of a byatch she can be. Of course every relationship has its disagreements, but often when I brought up something that bothered me, he would get down on himself and say he is sorry he is a terrible person and things along that line. It would usually end in me forgetting what I was angry about and consoling him telling him what a good person I believe he is. Also, he would rarely bring up anything that bothered him about me, even when I asked for it because I wanted to know. He usually swept it under the rug, took fault for it, and looked past it. He was being kind of weird some months ago and I looked at his phone and found a text from an unfamiliar number, it was a girl. I confronted him about it and he told me it was a girl at a bar we go to and that he plays music at. I have seen this girl before but have never been introduced. He said they were just friends and he had met her for coffee only a few times. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and told him that his behavior wasn't appropriate and neither was his lying. He actually had 2 phones, one was a decoy so that I would think it was his phone and his real one would be kept in his backpack. So after a lot of anguish, everything seemed alright, I did see that girl around but dealt with it. He is also an alcoholic btw, so 3 weeks ago, he came home from band practice and was drunk. We had a little argument earlier but nothing major. I was angry he was drunk after almost a year of sobriety and he told me he was drinking because of me, he ended up pushing me and I socked him one in his face. We calmed down and he threw up and I put my anger aside and put him to sleep. I had his phone to call his mom and I see apicture text from that girl, it was a picture of him and her. I was sooooo pissed, I woke him up and he told me it was nothing, it was from before. I said, you mean to tell me you haven't talked to this girl since I the last incident and out of the blue she sends you this picture and he said yeah. He ended up leaving that night, went on an almost week long drinking binge. I saw the girl at the bar and confronted her, she knew he had a gf and said they were just friends and also said that he had asked her to send him that picture and that nothing physical happened. But that the pic was taken a week ago at her house. I confronted him and he finally admitted it, when asked why, all he could say was that he was stupid. I initially told him to move out, but then I retracted and told him we could work it out. But now, he says that he has so much issues inside of him that he needs to deal with on his own, stuff that he buries and has not dealt with for a long time, not just from me. He says he loves me and misses me and that I will always have a special place in his heart and apologizes and cries about how sorry he is for his behavior and how it has hurt me. He came to my house on Xmas to surprise me and thought I would feel better and wanted to see me. He says that he does not want to be with anyone right now and doesn't even love himself or know who he is anymore. He says he wants and needs me in his life somehow and wants to be friends but knows that is a lot to ask from me and said he would understand if I didn't want to because he doesn't deserve it. I don't understand all of this, why is it all of this comes up only when he is caught being a liar? Perhaps he was never caught before? I don't know. Is he really genuine about his feelings or just feeling realling guilty and trying to make it easier for me, I have had a really hard time with this. We have had sex a couple of times since, we are still very much attracted to each other, I felt like I just wanted everything to go back to normal and did everything except literally beg for him to be with and work it out with me. I have realized that perhaps I am not so good at being rejected or not getting my way. And, that I do not want to be with someone who is not trustworthy and doesn't love himself, because how can he really love and show that he loves me when he doesn't even love himself. We really were the best of friends and both agree that our relationship included some of the best times of both of our lives. I cannot stop worrying about him and his drinking, he also talks about death a lot. He says he will hate himself as long as I hurt and deserves it and asks God to feel the pain that he has put me through. I think that I need and can help him, but he doesnt want it and says he needs to do this on his own. We still talk and btw, I work with him and will see him in the same circle of friends. He always answers my calls and initiates contact as well. He still flirts and wants to have sex, although I initiate that talk a lot..lol..I sometimes get crazy and wonder what he is doing, where he is, who he is talking to, is he talking to that girl, etc, etc and it drives me crazy and I want to ask him, but I know 1) Would I really be getting the truth anyway? 2) Does it really matter? 3) it is not healthy for me and I need to move on. I keep feeling that there is something I could do to help him and make him want to be with me, it's getting better now though. The NC thing is out the door, espc. since we work together and is actually my boss..lol..But any ideas on how to be friendly enough but not too close to where I still care and think about what he is doing? Any insight would be greatly appreciated, please!! Sorry that this is so long!
HLP234 Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 If you are not happy with the way he is behaving and it is bothering you, than you need to tell him that you don't want this kind of relationship. I would just sit him down and tell him exactly what you feel. But also have a plan or some sort of conclusion to it. If he constantly lies, maybe its true that he has never been put through a situation where he had to be confronted for lying. If I were in his situation I would probably want to realize what you are telling him and straighten myself out. For the NC thing, just be indifferent about it. If you must see him and communicate with him, do it professionally and keep it short. If you feel you need to get over him, don't give in to his demands until he comes to you and says something that he has done something wrong and wants to work it out.
Author bettermustcome Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 thanks, I keep thinking how much I want to be with him..but I am only thinking about the good times. I don't want to live my life wondering what he is doing and where he is etc. I try to remember that but am finding it hard not to contact him. I know he will answer my calls all the time so I get tempted to call him and give in to myself a lot. I have given it to him straight up, and told him how his lies and behavior has hurt me so much. He cries and says he knows he is a terrible person and will accept the lonliness and misery he has coming because he deserves it. He says that as long as I am not okay, he will not be okay. But, I kind of find a little insult to this thinking, as if he is so guilty and tries to make me feel better to make himself feel better. I keep wondering if he really cares, if he really loves and misses me..but then I think what for? I don't know, I have so many thoughts that run through my head I feel like I am going crazy sometimes and I hate calling him and freaking out. I have not done that since last week and am going to try really hard not to. Any words of wisdom and strength would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
HLP234 Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Well until he realizes and takes the time to figure himself out..you two should do the NC thing. If a while passes by and he contacts you to talk about things..I would accept it and see what he has to say. By a while I mean a few months i suppose. That way you can see what has changed if anything before making any further decisions. But during that time just go out as much as you can and try to meet new people and just enjoy your own time.
Author bettermustcome Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 Thanks a lot for your input. I try so hard not to contact him but have failed miserably. I am definitely going to try harder, but I also do not want to hang on to something that may not even be. I know what I need to do but doing it is so difficult sometimes, especially with the holiday season and all. This site and everyones insight really helps, thank you so much!
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