whichwayisup Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I know you don't see this now, but any questions you may have for him, will lead to other questions and you'll want more answers. It'll just open pandora's box. You have enough to go on, so now it's time to start accepting certain things, do some soul searching and make your own closure. You really do not need him to help you with this. You two are NC mode, respect that - Not only for his wife's sake, but for your OWN sake. You know what's what. Ride out the pain, I'm sure it really sucks, pain is pain, but you will work through it, just like anything else that is painful in your lifetime.. Gotta just take things as they come, allow yourself to grieve, really grieve and don't be scared of it. It's only way to truly begin your healing process.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 i say just hold on a little while. in the beginning i was confused, didnt understand, just wanted to know why. i claimed i needed "closure." now i dont really care why he did it, he did. i wanted to know things like was it really real, if he was lying, if he meant any of the things he said to me. like others have said his actions spoke volumes. he can say whatever he wants. he can say he is torn between us, still loves me, whatever. but what he DID was choose her. what he DID was stay with her and try to save THEIR relationship, not ours. his actions answer my questions. took me a little while to see that. i dont need to hear it from his mouth.
NoIDidn't Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 His actions did match his words, otherwise there would have been no affair. He put his marriage on line to have a relationship with Hopeless. That is an action. Making love to her is an action. Meeting her is an action. Talking to her is an action. True, his actions today show that he is trying to save his marriage, but they say nothing about his feelings for hopeless during their relationship or even now. Just think of all the WS who have posted here on LS. Most of them proclaim clearly the love they still feel for the OP even if the affair has ended. I don't agree with any of this. All of those actions were in the past. And they were all based on his W NOT finding out about them. Once she found out, all of those actions CEASED. No point in giving H4U hope concerning those actions. She needs to see the current actions for what they are: the end of the affair. Its over. And that's all she really needs to know. BTW, I don't believe in "closure". Its a gift you give yourself. Just like forgiveness. H4U, I have a couple of questions for you: So he loves you still? Then what? Will you expect him to act on that love? He may still love any previous lovers (before marriage, etc.) as well. Should we expect him to act on that love too? My point, love is just love. It doesn't mean anything until we act on it. And his actions are showing you that the love he had/has for you is being put away to save his marriage, to show his W that he loves her enough to work on forgetting about you (at least outwardly, anyway). ((((Hopeless4U))))
Spoiled Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 His actions did match his words, otherwise there would have been no affair. He put his marriage on line to have a relationship with Hopeless. That is an action. Making love to her is an action. Meeting her is an action. Talking to her is an action. True, his actions today show that he is trying to save his marriage, but they say nothing about his feelings for hopeless during their relationship or even now. Just think of all the WS who have posted here on LS. Most of them proclaim clearly the love they still feel for the OP even if the affair has ended. I agree with you JJ. It does not reveal his true feelings toward Hopeless because he stayed at home. He may feel obligated to stay and try to save his M. That would be the most respectful thing to do after such behavior??? I am speaking from how I felt after d-day. I was angry with my H and had so much resentment, I was ready to pack and leave and not fully motivated to reconcile. I felt guilty for my actions but would have felt even worse for not at least trying to save our M. Also consider all of the WS who post not only how much they still love the AP, but also continue to be unhappy in their marriages.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I also agree with JJ. i think any marriage deserves a shot. even after a dday. so in my case and in any other case i think it is the responsibility of the ws to try to salvage the M if the bs wants to. its the least that you owe them after all of the pain and hurt that youve caused. i also think that as a wayward spouse you simply cannot leave for the affiar partner without first attempting to go NC with them and truly work on the marriage. if you did it would leave you forever wondering what might have been if you had given it a shot.
Spoiled Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I don't agree with any of this. All of those actions were in the past. And they were all based on his W NOT finding out about them. Once she found out, all of those actions CEASED. No point in giving H4U hope concerning those actions. She needs to see the current actions for what they are: the end of the affair. Its over. And that's all she really needs to know. BTW, I don't believe in "closure". Its a gift you give yourself. Just like forgiveness. H4U, I have a couple of questions for you: So he loves you still? Then what? Will you expect him to act on that love? He may still love any previous lovers (before marriage, etc.) as well. Should we expect him to act on that love too? My point, love is just love. It doesn't mean anything until we act on it. And his actions are showing you that the love he had/has for you is being put away to save his marriage, to show his W that he loves her enough to work on forgetting about you (at least outwardly, anyway). ((((Hopeless4U)))) The A may be over and I do not believe JJ is giving her high hopes. But just because he chose to stay(right now) does not indicate he does not love her or is highly motivated to save his marriage. This is true for some, but not true for all. He is doing what he should do right now, what is expected of him and any other WS. His W should come first, he should respect her wishes. Does that mean he truly wants too? No. We don't know how he feels. 1
Spoiled Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I also agree with JJ. i think any marriage deserves a shot. even after a dday. so in my case and in any other case i think it is the responsibility of the ws to try to salvage the M if the bs wants to. its the least that you owe them after all of the pain and hurt that youve caused. i also think that as a wayward spouse you simply cannot leave for the affiar partner without first attempting to go NC with them and truly work on the marriage. if you did it would leave you forever wondering what might have been if you had given it a shot. Thank you............absolutely. You do owe it to the BS. I was not going to leave for my AP, I was going to leave due to my unhappiness and our "roommate" relationship. My AP made it more tolerable for me to be at home. I was bitter and hard headed...took me months after d-day to go NC. Lasted for four months until he contacted me.
NoIDidn't Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 The A may be over and I do not believe JJ is giving her high hopes. But just because he chose to stay(right now) does not indicate he does not love her or is highly motivated to save his marriage. This is true for some, but not true for all. He is doing what he should do right now, what is expected of him and any other WS. His W should come first, he should respect her wishes. Does that mean he truly wants too? No. We don't know how he feels. Nowhere in my post did you read me say that he does not love or did not ever love H4U. Whether he did or not, is moot. It does not matter if he is highly motivated to save his marriage or not, what matters is that is what he is doing right now. It also doesn't matter if what he is doing right now is what he wants to do or not. What matters is that it is what he IS doing. This is what H4U needs to focus on. Not on all the woulda-coulda-shouldas. I really don't see the point in reminding H4U of the past. It is the present that is hurting her so much. It is the present that she needs to get through. If, indeed, he does call her, then she can recall these feelings. But she isn't going to heal by staying in the past. This is my not so humble, opinion. :|
White Flower Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I don't agree with any of this. All of those actions were in the past. And they were all based on his W NOT finding out about them. Once she found out, all of those actions CEASED. No point in giving H4U hope concerning those actions. She needs to see the current actions for what they are: the end of the affair. Its over. And that's all she really needs to know. BTW, I don't believe in "closure". Its a gift you give yourself. Just like forgiveness. H4U, I have a couple of questions for you: So he loves you still? Then what? Will you expect him to act on that love? He may still love any previous lovers (before marriage, etc.) as well. Should we expect him to act on that love too? My point, love is just love. It doesn't mean anything until we act on it. And his actions are showing you that the love he had/has for you is being put away to save his marriage, to show his W that he loves her enough to work on forgetting about you (at least outwardly, anyway). ((((Hopeless4U)))) Excellent post NID.
Hazyhead Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I can understand why you want to know if he loved you or still loves you, but whatever his answer to you may be, will it be honest? and even if it is, what would this information do for you if you have it? Will having it allow you to move on and heal, or will it keep you mired in a place where you will end up always feeling miserable? I don't know the answers to those questions, only you do. But I will tell you this... based upon the things that you have written on here, you seem like a lovely person, and I can see that it would be easy for someone to "fall in love with you", but you often seem so sad, and it's this man that's doing that to you. You don't deserve that! If I have one suggestion for you it would be to , even though it may be hard and horribly painful, try and get past this affair and work on making yourself happy on your own... then, when you know that you don't need anyone else but you to be happy, you'll be ready to met someone as great as you are, someone who will respect you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated, and when you look in the mirror you will love the person looking back at you, and the time spent in the affair will be a memory, some of it pleasant, but an awful lot of it will be "what the heck was I thinking... wasting my precious time on a guy like that!" maybe this time next year you'll be able to post a note on here about how much happier your life is now... I really hope that for you ( hopeFULL4u)? FS, that's beautiful advice. You'll have helped and inspired more than H4U with that.
jennie-jennie Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 (edited) I don't agree with any of this. All of those actions were in the past. And they were all based on his W NOT finding out about them. Once she found out, all of those actions CEASED. No point in giving H4U hope concerning those actions. She needs to see the current actions for what they are: the end of the affair. Its over. And that's all she really needs to know. BTW, I don't believe in "closure". Its a gift you give yourself. Just like forgiveness. I am not trying to give Hopeless hope for the future. But I see no sense in her being crushed and feeling like her MM never loved her. I believe, if the EMR ends, you should still be able to walk out of it with your head held high, knowing that you WERE loved and did have a good time, but now it is over. And, as we all know, we only know that those actions of love towards the OP have ceased right now. We don't know what the future holds. So why would the actions of this moment cancel out the actions of the past, when we have not yet seen the actions of the future? And even if this is the end-it-all of the EMR, the end of a relationship does not cancel out what two people had. That would be like saying that two people who grow apart and divorce after a long and fulfilling marriage never loved each other. Edited December 31, 2009 by jennie-jennie
jennie-jennie Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Hopeless, I do agree with the posters who say that you can find the answer within yourself. You do not need to ask MM. Truth is you know he loved you, is that not so?
jennie-jennie Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Thank you............absolutely. You do owe it to the BS. I was not going to leave for my AP, I was going to leave due to my unhappiness and our "roommate" relationship. My AP made it more tolerable for me to be at home. I was bitter and hard headed...took me months after d-day to go NC. Lasted for four months until he contacted me. NC has been broken now? Tell us!
jennie-jennie Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 If I have one suggestion for you it would be to , even though it may be hard and horribly painful, try and get past this affair and work on making yourself happy on your own... then, when you know that you don't need anyone else but you to be happy, you'll be ready to met someone as great as you are, someone who will respect you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated, and when you look in the mirror you will love the person looking back at you, and the time spent in the affair will be a memory, some of it pleasant, but an awful lot of it will be "what the heck was I thinking... wasting my precious time on a guy like that!" This kind of advice bothers me. Why not give this advice to the BS in that case? Why take for granted that the OW depend more on a man to give them happiness than the BS do? We all want someone to love and be happy with. That does not mean that we are not able to be happy on our own or that we do not love ourselves, it just means that we want someone to share our life with.
bentnotbroken Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 This kind of advice bothers me. Why not give this advice to the BS in that case? Why take for granted that the OW depend more on a man to give them happiness than the BS do? We all want someone to love and be happy with. That does not mean that we are not able to be happy on our own or that we do not love ourselves, it just means that we want someone to share our life with. I do give this advice to BS. I believe if you aren't a whole person you can't be part of a healthy couple. As evidenced by the posts of both BS and AP the majority post about not being able to function properly, AP in particular posts about the soul mate phenomena. The posts at least on this site by AP tend to lend more toward "verge of falling apart". Not all, but it seems like a large portion.
jennie-jennie Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 (edited) I do give this advice to BS. I believe if you aren't a whole person you can't be part of a healthy couple. As evidenced by the posts of both BS and AP the majority post about not being able to function properly, AP in particular posts about the soul mate phenomena. The posts at least on this site by AP tend to lend more toward "verge of falling apart". Not all, but it seems like a large portion. We all need to grieve a lost love relationship. That fact has no bearing on whether our relationship was healthy or not, on whether we are whole persons and part of a healthy couple or not. The price for loving someone is grieving when you lose that person. Edited December 31, 2009 by jennie-jennie
SoleMate Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 You will never get truth from this man. Even assuming he actually knows it himself - which I doubt. Even if you forced him to answer you, it would just be whatever easiest for him to say. That's the MM pattern - do whatever makes today easiest. 1
White Flower Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 You will never get truth from this man. Even assuming he actually knows it himself - which I doubt. Even if you forced him to answer you, it would just be whatever easiest for him to say. That's the MM pattern - do whatever makes today easiest. :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
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