hopeless4u Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 So I did the right thing for his W, I answered her questions. Am I being selfish now because I need HIM to answer MY questions? I need some sort of closure, I thought once I'd spoken to his W I'd be able to move on but I can't. I'm not sure how to put it into words but its eating away at me. I need to hear it from him that he's moved on and that what his W told me was true, that he's realised everything he has ever wanted was in front of him and that his feelings for me wasn't real. His W told me that he'd told her he said he'd told me he loved me but it wasn't real, he could see that now and what he had felt for me over the last 2 yrs also wasn't real. He passed a message through a friend at work the very next day saying how he wanted me to know how sorry he was and that everything he had told me over the last 2 yrs about how he felt was true. I don't even know what question I am asking with this thread, maybe I just need to get it out.
stampdaddy Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I have just as easy of a question to answer for you: If a train left Chicago travelling 300 miles an hour, and it was heading West, but the Easterly winds were blowing at 32 knots, and it was raining outside (as opposed to inside), which will add drag to the tracks, slowing the train by 5 miles per hour going downhill, and 12.5 miles per hour going uphill, and it was Tuesday, how long would it take the train to travel 1437 miles with 2 stops along the way, the first lasting 29 minutes and the second lasting 1 hour and 11 minutes?
TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 So I did the right thing for his W, I answered her questions. Am I being selfish now because I need HIM to answer MY questions? I need some sort of closure, I thought once I'd spoken to his W I'd be able to move on but I can't. I'm not sure how to put it into words but its eating away at me. I need to hear it from him that he's moved on and that what his W told me was true, that he's realised everything he has ever wanted was in front of him and that his feelings for me wasn't real. His W told me that he'd told her he said he'd told me he loved me but it wasn't real, he could see that now and what he had felt for me over the last 2 yrs also wasn't real. He passed a message through a friend at work the very next day saying how he wanted me to know how sorry he was and that everything he had told me over the last 2 yrs about how he felt was true. I don't even know what question I am asking with this thread, maybe I just need to get it out. What you'd like us to do is to answer your questions for you, to your satisfaction, because sure as eggs is eggs, you're not going to get them from him, and even if you do, you'll never know whether he's just mouthing platitudes or just plain lying and withholding. What you need us to do, is to reassure you it was all real while it lasted, he meant every word, he'll love you until the day he dies, and leave you with a glowing sense of fulfilment mixed with what-might-have been. Sorry hun, no dice. The one and only person who can now give you the closure you feel you so desperately need - is you. It sucks, but you're outside the equation now. You're the big mistake, the and you've been left to deal with this on your own, because they have each other to deal with. They've got plenty to work on without having you as an added complication wanting your own answers. TBH, as the OW, you have to suck it up. Getting into a heavy emotional entanglement with a MM has a price, and now, you have to pay it.
Author hopeless4u Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 I have just as easy of a question to answer for you: If a train left Chicago travelling 300 miles an hour, and it was heading West, but the Easterly winds were blowing at 32 knots, and it was raining outside (as opposed to inside), which will add drag to the tracks, slowing the train by 5 miles per hour going downhill, and 12.5 miles per hour going uphill, and it was Tuesday, how long would it take the train to travel 1437 miles with 2 stops along the way, the first lasting 29 minutes and the second lasting 1 hour and 11 minutes? WTF? is that because the question I asked was far to difficult to answer or the fact that it was a sh*t question!! You still make me smile tho:)
stampdaddy Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 WTF? is that because the question I asked was far to difficult to answer or the fact that it was a sh*t question!! You still make me smile tho:) NO question is s sh*t question... just an impossible one, thats all.. DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF' please... Ive come to like ya
Author hopeless4u Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 What you'd like us to do is to answer your questions for you, to your satisfaction, because sure as eggs is eggs, you're not going to get them from him, and even if you do, you'll never know whether he's just mouthing platitudes or just plain lying and withholding. What you need us to do, is to reassure you it was all real while it lasted, he meant every word, he'll love you until the day he dies, and leave you with a glowing sense of fulfilment mixed with what-might-have been. Sorry hun, no dice. The one and only person who can now give you the closure you feel you so desperately need - is you. It sucks, but you're outside the equation now. You're the big mistake, the and you've been left to deal with this on your own, because they have each other to deal with. They've got plenty to work on without having you as an added complication wanting your own answers. TBH, as the OW, you have to suck it up. Getting into a heavy emotional entanglement with a MM has a price, and now, you have to pay it. Yep and as much as it hurts you are right, I am the mistake and I am the 1 who has been left here to deal with all this on my own.
jennie-jennie Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 He passed a message through a friend at work the very next day saying how he wanted me to know how sorry he was and that everything he had told me over the last 2 yrs about how he felt was true. Hopeless, your MM has already answered your question. Look into your heart and you will know that his message to you was the truth. Your MM just did what they all do on Dday. He saved his marriage in every way he could, even if it meant denying your love. Don't take it personally, that is just what MM torn between the marriage and the affair do.
Hazyhead Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Whichever answer gives you more peace - that he meant it or they were just words - use it. I know how you feel, you need him to validate you because he always did, but you have to validate yourself now. Don't think of those questions so much. They go nowhere
2sunny Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 he has answered... his ACTIONS say that he's really trying to stay in the marriage. that's as much as you need to know. was it ll a lie? maybe, probably, at least to get what he wanted at the time from you. he may have meant those things he said at the time - but they are just words - when it would have taken his actions matching his words in order for all he said to be the truth - he went back to his wife. bottom line shows that his W is the priority, at least for now.
Author hopeless4u Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 Hopeless, your MM has already answered your question. Look into your heart and you will know that his message to you was the truth. Your MM just did what they all do on Dday. He saved his marriage in every way he could, even if it meant denying your love. Don't take it personally, that is just what MM torn between the marriage and the affair do. Thanks Jennie that does mean so much and does make sense. What is so eating away at me is that if that was true why hasn't he made sure I'm ok? If he truly loved me he would of made some sort of contact, even just to see if I'm ok, he hasn't.
ladydesigner Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I have questions I need answered... So I did the right thing for his W, I answered her questions. Am I being selfish now because I need HIM to answer MY questions? I need some sort of closure, I thought once I'd spoken to his W I'd be able to move on but I can't. I'm not sure how to put it into words but its eating away at me. I need to hear it from him that he's moved on and that what his W told me was true, that he's realised everything he has ever wanted was in front of him and that his feelings for me wasn't real. His W told me that he'd told her he said he'd told me he loved me but it wasn't real, he could see that now and what he had felt for me over the last 2 yrs also wasn't real. He passed a message through a friend at work the very next day saying how he wanted me to know how sorry he was and that everything he had told me over the last 2 yrs about how he felt was true. I don't even know what question I am asking with this thread, maybe I just need to get it out. I feel for you. It hurts when you are not chosen I understand that. Everyone hurts. His wife hurts, he hurts, and you hurt. Just be happy you were not the one stuck with him. He will most likely do this again to his wife. If he were with you, years down the line when the relationship began to get stagnant and the same everyday b**sh*t you would become the one that he betrays. My XOM chose his long term girlfriend over me. But in hindsight I probably would not left my marriage for him. I was what would be called your typical "fence sitter." The pain felt the same though, the not being chosen, wanting closure, then getting it and wanting more closure. None of it worked. I had to feel the pain and go through this process that felt like a drug withdraw. This withdraw continued for about a year, one reason I believe was because he was still contacting me. I went no contact 5 months ago and it has been bitterly painful and a blessing all in one. For one I no longer hold out hope that he still may have feelings for me, I don't care if he ever contacts me again, I am feeling better about myself, I am getting my power back, I have finally gotten CLOSURE FOR ME. It was a long road but I am here and I feel great and one day you will too. I know it is hard, but one day you will look back on this and thank god you did not end up with him. Many hugs to you hopeless4u...many of them. Hang in there and hold strong. The pain will pass it really will. Then go find yourself a beautiful single man to love you wholeheartedly or just really love yourself. NC=NO PAIN
TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Too risky. And he's supposed to be salvaging his marriage, not jeopardising it further.... Don't keep seeking. Breathe, and let it slowly go......
Hazyhead Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 You don't need him to see if you're ok hon. If he tried it would be even harder for you to move on. He will be so wrapped up in his own mess at the moment he won't be seeing past that at all. Plus... NC, promised, remember? I now am getting why it needs to be that.
2sunny Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Thanks Jennie that does mean so much and does make sense. What is so eating away at me is that if that was true why hasn't he made sure I'm ok? If he truly loved me he would of made some sort of contact, even just to see if I'm ok, he hasn't. even if he loved you - he also loves his wife. his actions show that he's willing to respect her wishes and NOT contact you. it doesn't mean he didn't care at the time - or maybe even now... it just means that he's willing to do anything to make his wife happy. also - some men compartmentalize really well...he may be one of them... out of sight - out of mind. tell feelings for the one i'm in front of because that's how i feel at THIS VERY moment... meanwhile forgetting about the other half of life as it is known to them. unable to see into the future - therefore willing to risk everything in the moment just to have what they want for now.
bentnotbroken Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 You want answers, that makes sense to me. We all do. You need to go to a mirror, look at the person staring back at you. Then ask her why she didn't protect you? Ask her why didn't she love herself more than she did that liar? Ask her why she laid down her plans and dreams for this nightmare. He is wrong, no doubt about it. But for you to heal, you not only have to face yourself but you have to ask those questions and find the answers for yourself. He couldn't have entered your inner sanctum without your opening the door. These words aren't said to you to smack you when you are down. But I am telling you from experience. The answers you seek outside yourself will never be satisfactory. They will always come with the "what ifs", the "whys" and the "how could theys"? The only way you can get the real answers is to decide what you need from you and then figure out the steps to get to that. 1
awkward Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 The only closure you are going to get is from yourself. Ask yourself the tough questions. Write in a journal if it helps. He can't help you heal. You have to heal yourself.
White Flower Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Thanks Jennie that does mean so much and does make sense. What is so eating away at me is that if that was true why hasn't he made sure I'm ok? If he truly loved me he would of made some sort of contact, even just to see if I'm ok, he hasn't. Because even though he did love you, he loved his life more. Keeping the M intact was suitable to HIM. It was always about him. He loved you, just not enough to make sure you're ok. I'm so sorry. Hugs.
jennie-jennie Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Thanks Jennie that does mean so much and does make sense. What is so eating away at me is that if that was true why hasn't he made sure I'm ok? If he truly loved me he would of made some sort of contact, even just to see if I'm ok, he hasn't. He did make contact through his friend, and he will most likely contact you directly in the future. His world just has to stop shaking first. Most MM do contact the OW again once things have calmed down at home.
White Flower Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 He did make contact through his friend, and he will most likely contact you directly in the future. His world just has to stop shaking first. Most MM do contact the OW again once things have calmed down at home.Very true, but the question is, will the OP want him back? When she figures out that he loved himself and his current life more than he loved her she may just kick him to the curb. Who wants 'love' like that? I went through that once and wouldn't want to go through it again.
jennie-jennie Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 he has answered... his ACTIONS say that he's really trying to stay in the marriage. that's as much as you need to know. was it ll a lie? maybe, probably, at least to get what he wanted at the time from you. he may have meant those things he said at the time - but they are just words - when it would have taken his actions matching his words in order for all he said to be the truth - he went back to his wife. bottom line shows that his W is the priority, at least for now. His actions did match his words, otherwise there would have been no affair. He put his marriage on line to have a relationship with Hopeless. That is an action. Making love to her is an action. Meeting her is an action. Talking to her is an action. True, his actions today show that he is trying to save his marriage, but they say nothing about his feelings for hopeless during their relationship or even now. Just think of all the WS who have posted here on LS. Most of them proclaim clearly the love they still feel for the OP even if the affair has ended.
jennie-jennie Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Very true, but the question is, will the OP want him back? When she figures out that he loved himself and his current life more than he loved her she may just kick him to the curb. Who wants 'love' like that? I went through that once and wouldn't want to go through it again. That is her option of course. But if you see that throwing the OW under the bus is a pattern among MM on Dday, perhaps you will understand it is only human and not take it so personally. Then you can look at the situation as it is and decide what you want to do. It is a question of how to perceive your world. And then make the decision which lies in your best interest from as true a picture as possible.
fooled once Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 You want answers, that makes sense to me. We all do. You need to go to a mirror, look at the person staring back at you. Then ask her why she didn't protect you? Ask her why didn't she love herself more than she did that liar? Ask her why she laid down her plans and dreams for this nightmare. He is wrong, no doubt about it. But for you to heal, you not only have to face yourself but you have to ask those questions and find the answers for yourself. He couldn't have entered your inner sanctum without your opening the door. These words aren't said to you to smack you when you are down. But I am telling you from experience. The answers you seek outside yourself will never be satisfactory. They will always come with the "what ifs", the "whys" and the "how could theys"? The only way you can get the real answers is to decide what you need from you and then figure out the steps to get to that. This was a great post. I also want to add --- he chose his wife. As much as you want answers, as much as you want to hear he loved you, he loves you best, he never lied to you ---- you need to step back and respect him and his wife and stay out of their life. He chose his marriage. He chose to tell his wife he wanted her/the marriage. Others can make it seem like he will be back, he really loves you, etc., you have to watch his ACTIONS and his actions said his wife/marriage were his top priority. He can't worry about you and how you are doing. He is concentrating on making it up to his wife, for deceiving her, for lying to her, for cheating on her. He has other priorities and unfortunately, you aren't up there at the top. Remember the memories, use those to help you get to where you want. I know you are hurting but he can't be there to help you through this. I hope each day it gets a tiny bit better.
2sunny Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 His actions did match his words, otherwise there would have been no affair. He put his marriage on line to have a relationship with Hopeless. That is an action. Making love to her is an action. Meeting her is an action. Talking to her is an action. True, his actions today show that he is trying to save his marriage, but they say nothing about his feelings for hopeless during their relationship or even now. Just think of all the WS who have posted here on LS. Most of them proclaim clearly the love they still feel for the OP even if the affair has ended. his actions do tell her that he is staying in his M, contradicting what he led OP to believe, which is that he loved her and they had a future together... that is where his actions don't match his words. he can say anything he wants - which may or may not be true - but he is in the M now and ultimately that is where he intends to now place his energy, love and resolve. acceptance is key for OP - loving yourself enough in the future to not choose another MM, but an available one is also key for you. hugs.
jennie-jennie Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Hopeless, did you doubt that your MM loved you during your EMR? If not, why should you doubt it now? You knew already during the affair that he was torn between the marriage and you.
White Flower Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 That is her option of course. But if you see that throwing the OW under the bus is a pattern among MM on Dday, perhaps you will understand it is only human and not take it so personally. Then you can look at the situation as it is and decide what you want to do. It is a question of how to perceive your world. And then make the decision which lies in your best interest from as true a picture as possible. Of course that is her option, we agree on that. And we agree on the pattern too. The only difference is, I took it personally because it affected my very personal life. I choose to not allow him or anyone to ever have that kind of affect on me again. No amount of hugs or kisses can make up for that kind of treatment.
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