Author Artist Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 Ok. I need some help with this question. After she broke up the third time and kept contacting me I sent her a message telling her to "never contact me again." Even so the way she has treated me can I really trust that if she wanted me back she would risk and contact me? I am afraid a part of me is scared that she may be sitting back thinking she wants to contact me but will not now that I have told her not to. But with the way she treated me she should understand that if she wanted me back she would need to make the move would'nt she? She would need to show up at my door or ask me to meet and talk and apologize for her horrible behavior. If this is a fair assumption on my part it will help me to say, "ok..she has never come back so I don't have to wonder if we could have worked through this because her not showing up is proof that my going back to her would have made any difference.
LovelyDaze Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 I feel the same way. Even though this night my ex is probably partying it up with his new fiance', It helps to know that they are doomed. * He's 30-She's 18 * He was just over my house the other night asking me to "wait for him" when he returns from Afghanistan. * He broke up w/ her once this month, came back to me, and only went back to her because I said "no." Yep. They smile now...but things in 2010 are about to change. Artist, just let your crazy bird of an ex be. She is a walking stick of toxicity. They will fail just because they are destined so. No one is even trying to make you feel better saying that. It's all common sense and logic that she is destroying herself...and the new guy. Thank your lucky stars you are not in it.
Author Artist Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 I understand Lovely. I am so sorry that it is hard for you. You were very strong to say no to him. That must have been hard. I know I am not going back to her or contacting her. But I would still like to have an answer to the question. If she wanted me back she knows she would need to aproach me wouldn't she?
LovelyDaze Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 I understand Lovely. I am so sorry that it is hard for you. You were very strong to say no to him. That must have been hard. I know I am not going back to her or contacting her. But I would still like to have an answer to the question. If she wanted me back she knows she would need to aproach me wouldn't she? Absolutely. Like my ex attempted to do several times. HE was the one that left, not me. Same for you, correct? If she was the one that made the decision to leave you, why would it be up to you to fix it? It's like somebody taking your favorite glass vase and just throwing it to the ground THEN expecting you to get your hands bloody to clean it up. That doesn't make sense and isn't fair. If you pick up the pieces, then the person who broke it will feel ZERO responsibility in changing. Therefore, you are still hurt and the other person has clean hands just walking away scott free.
Author Artist Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 (edited) Yes she broke up with me out of the blue for the 3rd time by email. Then kept contacting me. Finally I told her never to contact me again because she was not saying hey lets get back together but offering crumbs. I just wondered if my telling her to never contact me again, which I had to do to protect myself, put the responsibility to reach out to her back on me. Actually I feel she needs to be the one to reach out as she broke up with me. Edited January 1, 2010 by Artist
bluestraps Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 My mom tells me that I need to worry about myself . I Think my Mom should call you too.
blackbear_703 Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Thanks Bear. Tonight is really hard. Thinking of them together. Good words though from you. I am not really that madd at this guy because I don't really know if she invited him to do halloween or if he moved in on her but even if he did why the hell would she not just say "uh no. I am with Artist." So no matter what he did she is the one who betrayed me. No problem Artist. I'm so sorry New Year's has been hard for you though. As for reaching out to her, it's really pointless to do that now since she has made her choice. All you can do is move on and leave whatever questions or unresolved issues you may have behind in 2009 along with the relationship itself. You'll just prolong your pain and find it harder to let go of her if you keep contemplating the what-ifs and whys. If she decides to answer these questions, she knows where to find you. I do hope when New Year's 2011 rolls around, you'll be with that one special woman who has a clear heart and mind and who can truly give you the loving relationship you deserve!
hoping2heal Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Artist- I read through the post you linked about why you needed to end the relationship. Much like I had originally thought; She is going through a self destructive phase to cope with her grief over the end of your relationship. I agree with the counselor she is broken from her past and needs to heal, I think she really did care about you but it seems she has a belief that she cannot trust herself to make good decisions; it seems this is why she has a pattern of self sabotaging her relationships. You said she had a horrible time in the past- I am guessing she still blames herself for that turmoil hence not being able to trust herself to make good decisions. She has feelings and emotions and does care; but she also sets herself up to be hurt and sabotage herself because this is a defense mechanism and in her broken thinking she believes EVERY relationship choice she makes will lead to pain in enough time. She has learned how to thrive in pain; it is what she knows. Healthy, consistent, happiness? Those are all foreign to her and by self sabotaging she protects herself. I agree that she is not fit to date anyone and I trully hope she will get help for herself so that she can heal from what she has been through and find herself a loving and fulfilling relationship; so long as she makes these poor choices that will cause her pain and torment it will only serve to further cement the idea in her head that she cannot let her guard down, that she MUST sabotage all her relationships. Getting engaged to this guy is just her way of securing a sure-thing fail. Another attempt to sabotage, if she doesn't get some help her head is going to really get messed up. I hope that she does.
Author Artist Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 Hope..do u mean she is engaged to this guy to ensure it fails before the marriage or to end up in a failed marriage?
LovelyDaze Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 (edited) Artist- I read through the post you linked about why you needed to end the relationship. Much like I had originally thought; She is going through a self destructive phase to cope with her grief over the end of your relationship. I agree with the counselor she is broken from her past and needs to heal, I think she really did care about you but it seems she has a belief that she cannot trust herself to make good decisions; it seems this is why she has a pattern of self sabotaging her relationships. You said she had a horrible time in the past- I am guessing she still blames herself for that turmoil hence not being able to trust herself to make good decisions. She has feelings and emotions and does care; but she also sets herself up to be hurt and sabotage herself because this is a defense mechanism and in her broken thinking she believes EVERY relationship choice she makes will lead to pain in enough time. She has learned how to thrive in pain; it is what she knows. Healthy, consistent, happiness? Those are all foreign to her and by self sabotaging she protects herself. I agree that she is not fit to date anyone and I truly hope she will get help for herself so that she can heal from what she has been through and find herself a loving and fulfilling relationship; so long as she makes these poor choices that will cause her pain and torment it will only serve to further cement the idea in her head that she cannot let her guard down, that she MUST sabotage all her relationships. Getting engaged to this guy is just her way of securing a sure-thing fail. Another attempt to sabotage, if she doesn't get some help her head is going to really get messed up. I hope that she does. Oh my GOD, hoping2heal. YOU just described my own ex to a T. If you are not familiar with my recent posts, my 30 year old ex(I am in my early 30s too) is AGAIN engaged to an 18 year old.Years ago, He dumped the last one like a sack of potatoes before he went to serve overseas and has said for MONTHS he wants to dump this recent one before heads out on his 2nd tour. My ex said if dumping her "doesn't work" now, he will do it when he gets back in 2011! He asked me to wait on him WHEN(I swear he said WHEN several times) he dumps her after his return from Afghanistan. Our friend Richard asked him why he always gets engaged and then leaves. His answer? "I don't know, I always know it's not going to work out and I usually don't want it to" Our friend said he is self-destructive and no greater words have been said. I had to reread your post because it sounds like the OP, myself and probably a lot of others, have exes who don't know any other type of relationship but toxic ones. Joy, contentment and no-drama are not words in their vocabulary. My ex even said that he and his new fiance' LOVE to fight so they can makeup, then fight again and makeup. You know what's strange, that before he left for drills this past week, he kept feeling a need to tell me how he feels about her, the engagement and his life. He even said in an epiphany kind of way that he is glad to be going to war so he wouldn't have to deal with his fiance and their problems. SO for him, it's either running away or sabotaging the hell out of it. Sad. Edited January 1, 2010 by LovelyDaze
hoping2heal Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Hope..do u mean she is engaged to this guy to ensure it fails before the marriage or to end up in a failed marriage? I am sure she expects it to self-destruct before getting to the marriage part. This engagement is serving a bi-purpose for her. It is part her way of destructively coping with the loss of her relationship with you- but she also is entering into a situation she on some level knows- is not right and will likely not REALLY function as such.
hoping2heal Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Oh my GOD, hoping2heal. YOU just described my own ex to a T. If you are not familiar with my recent posts, my 30 year old ex(I am in my early 30s too) is AGAIN engaged to an 18 year old.Years ago, He dumped the last one like a sack of potatoes before he went to serve overseas and has said for MONTHS he wants to dump this recent one before heads out on his 2nd tour. My ex said if dumping her "doesn't work" now, he will do it when he gets back in 2011! He asked me to wait on him WHEN(I swear he said WHEN several times) he dumps her after his return from Afghanistan. Our friend Richard asked him why he always gets engaged and then leaves. His answer? "I don't know, I always know it's not going to work out and I usually don't want it to" Our friend said he is self-destructive and no greater words have been said. I had to reread your post because it sounds like the OP, myself and probably a lot of others, have exes who don't know any other type of relationship but toxic ones. Joy, contentment and no-drama are not words in their vocabulary. My ex even said that he and his new fiance' LOVE to fight so they can makeup, then fight again and makeup. You know what's strange, that before he left for drills this past week, he kept feeling a need to tell me how he feels about her, the engagement and his life. He even said in an epiphany kind of way that he is glad to be going to war so he wouldn't have to deal with his fiance and their problems. SO for him, it's either running away or sabotaging the hell out of it. Sad. Yes, sounds very much like he self sabotages as well. What's really sad is unless your ex and others like him get help and make a different choice? It will never get any better. They will never find a loving, safe relationship. They won't ever get to know of that joy and security that pure bliss. Good relationships; loving relationships aren't stages in life that just "happen" to us. We don't just hit a certain age and "Well, it's time now for you to get your match". There are plenty of people who pass on without ever having real love in their lives. All their relationships consist of dysfunction and broken-ness. It can't ever get any better unless they get healing.
LovelyDaze Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Yes, sounds very much like he self sabotages as well. What's really sad is unless your ex and others like him get help and make a different choice? It will never get any better. They will never find a loving, safe relationship. They won't ever get to know of that joy and security that pure bliss. Good relationships; loving relationships aren't stages in life that just "happen" to us. We don't just hit a certain age and "Well, it's time now for you to get your match". There are plenty of people who pass on without ever having real love in their lives. All their relationships consist of dysfunction and broken-ness. It can't ever get any better unless they get healing. That's even sadder. I am never again going to let someone like my ex drag me down with them into a relationship abyss. We(friends and co-workers) noticed how unhappy he was but he never did anything about it. I just can't understand why they WANT to be miserable.
hoping2heal Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 That's even sadder. I am never again going to let someone like my ex drag me down with them into a relationship abyss. We(friends and co-workers) noticed how unhappy he was but he never did anything about it. I just can't understand why they WANT to be miserable. I don't think it's that he wants to be miserable at all. However, security is a universal need. Everyone wants security- a safe haven. Certain things that can happen to a person in their lives that askew one's view. The only safety they have is in control and by orchestrating their relationships to fail. They already believe they can't ever have stability and happiness anyway, it's as if they sub conciously view their mates as their enemies and they are just preparing a battle plan. No one can really hurt you, not if you hurt yourself; see? They are so busy trying to prepare themselves, shield themselves they don't even see that they are going to hurt and betray the person across. Just locked right up inside a defense mechanism. Self preservation is King. Yes, don't let someone drag you down who is in this situation. They may never make it out alive and you don't need it dragging you down along with it. The hurt and pain they cause to others is very real and very painful. I don't think they do this to intentionally be malicious or hurt others; but that is STILL the result. In their minds THEY are the victims; NOT you.
Author Artist Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 Hoping2heal As you have read my story do you think it is reasonable of me to to expect her to contact me if she wants anything more even though my last communication with her was to never contact me again?
2sunny Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Hoping2heal As you have read my story do you think it is reasonable of me to to expect her to contact me if she wants anything more even though my last communication with her was to never contact me again? no it's not a reasonable expectation. why would you even want to do this to yourself?
Author Artist Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 Part of me fears that she may want to communicate with me but now will not as I made that last statement. I would like to know what really happened if she ever wants to come clean about it. Some say she may want me back but will never approach me because I told her not to contact me. I told her that becasue I needed to know it was over but it would make it easier for me if I knew she could come to me if she wanted to to talk about what happened.
blackbear_703 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I don't think it's that he wants to be miserable at all. However, security is a universal need. Everyone wants security- a safe haven. Certain things that can happen to a person in their lives that askew one's view. The only safety they have is in control and by orchestrating their relationships to fail. They already believe they can't ever have stability and happiness anyway, it's as if they sub conciously view their mates as their enemies and they are just preparing a battle plan. No one can really hurt you, not if you hurt yourself; see? They are so busy trying to prepare themselves, shield themselves they don't even see that they are going to hurt and betray the person across. Just locked right up inside a defense mechanism. Self preservation is King. Yes, don't let someone drag you down who is in this situation. They may never make it out alive and you don't need it dragging you down along with it. The hurt and pain they cause to others is very real and very painful. I don't think they do this to intentionally be malicious or hurt others; but that is STILL the result. In their minds THEY are the victims; NOT you. I think this largely applies to my ex. When we broke up 1 1/2 months ago, one of the reasons she gave was that she "needed to protect me from herself." I listened to her go off on these tirades against herself, calling herself every four-letter word she could think of. Time and again she said she is "not meant to have love in her life." I asked her straight out why she was doing this to herself and to us. She couldn't respond. After that is when the character transformation became more noticeable. That's when the all-night bar-hopping and boozing began. When I last talked to her 16 days ago, she was a very cold, distant, and hateful person. I didn't recognize her anymore. It's like she didn't care she had caused me so much pain. In all honesty I've given up trying to figure her out, but it's obvious she's defending herself by tearing down everything that makes her happy.
blackbear_703 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Part of me fears that she may want to communicate with me but now will not as I made that last statement. I would like to know what really happened if she ever wants to come clean about it. Some say she may want me back but will never approach me because I told her not to contact me. I told her that becasue I needed to know it was over but it would make it easier for me if I knew she could come to me if she wanted to to talk about what happened. Well Artist, I've had the same fears myself in regards to my ex. I sent her several e-mails regarding NC and it seemed to cause her to withdraw even more. However, I'm not so sure if this was out of genuine fear as much as it was her feeling guilty and trying to make me feel guilty instead. It's easier for them to blame us for "acting immature" by initiating NC than it is for them to admit guilt (a weakness to them) and accept any responsibility for causing the break-up. Remember the discussion we had on another thread regarding bi-polar disorder and narcissistic personality disorder? If your ex has either of these conditions, blaming others for their mistakes and refusing to admit guilt or apologize are typical of both of these conditions. Even if they know they are the ones who cheated or lied, they still blame us since they can't admit any wrongdoing. Anyway, if she has your e-mail address, phone number, etc. she knows where to find you. If you contact her now, you'll probably end up in even more pain than you're in now. She broke the relationship and now it's up to her, not you, to fix it because from what you've told us in your posts, you did nothing wrong.
DenverBachelor Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Part of me fears that she may want to communicate with me but now will not as I made that last statement. I would like to know what really happened if she ever wants to come clean about it. Some say she may want me back but will never approach me because I told her not to contact me. I told her that becasue I needed to know it was over but it would make it easier for me if I knew she could come to me if she wanted to to talk about what happened. You're asking irrelevant questions about a relationship that is done. They're irrelevant because they're now inconsequential to your life. You are spending too much of your time, energy and emotions on things now completely dead. A few points: Nobody in the history of bad breakups ever went without making mistakes or saying things out of hurt and anger that they probably should not have said. We're not at our best place during that emotional time-period, so we're going to say things we don't mean. On the other hand, time has a way of healing the worst injuries whether we suffered from them or caused them. You could honestly sit down for a year straight and go over every possible scenario and still not come out with any more closure than just walking away from it and accepting the loss. Loss makes us stronger. It sounds cliche, but trust me on this one -- you're going to be a much stronger person from the loss. Take life in stride and focus more on yourself and let the relationship be secondary. Some people will disagree with me, but you need to put yourself and your goals ALWAYS before another person AND the relationship. Relationships are supposed to compliment our existing happiness. Relationships should never be used as the end means to our self-worth. If you *need* to be in a relationship, you shouldn't be in one and it will eventually fail. The first relationship and only relationship that is the most important should be the relationship you have with yourself. Cultivate that and then explore relationships with others. I'll end with this: Stop spending your valuable time thinking about her. She is gone. Whether she misses you greatly or thinks you're the most evil person on Earth, those are her thoughts and hers alone. You're not in that arena any more. If she truly wanted to be with you, you wouldn't be here right now. You'd be answering the door and wondering why someone was on their knees with a puddle of tears beneath them on the floor. Believe me, if someone wants to find someone else, they'll be able to do so. Especially in the world we live in today. We're all connected. We're all in hundreds of different relationships. Unfortunately we over-value only that one relationship that involves sex and undervalue too many others.
Author Artist Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 (edited) Yea Denver and Bear I think you are both right. This really letting go is hell. I think the reason I have been obsessing over the question "can she contact me" is it is just another way to hold onto false hope. Never mind that even if she did come back or contact me there is no way to really be in relationship with her she is so unhealthy. Bear I think you are right. She broke up with me and ended it is on her if she wants more. What got her so madd at me was that I did not come running back but said fine see ya later. Our pattern had been she breaks up and then I ride in on the horse and win her back. When I did not do that this time she got furious at me and for a while I could not figure out why? I mean she broke up with me so why be madd at me. A week later she was in a relationship with this guy but still reaching out to me. 6 weeks later she was engagued. It is just such a mind f**** to think she is this woman who really loved me, wanted me and everything else she portrayed and a few days later to see she has not only left me, but betrayed me. Becasue she kept contacting me I told her to never contact me again but I think the responsibility is still on her to contact me if she ever wanted something more. Aceepting that is hard for me becasue it means I have to really let go. There are no more hands to play. All I can do is walk away. Denver I hear you too. I just need to move on. Despite all my turbulance at my home thank God I was able to leave fairly strong. The last thing she heard from me 3 weeks ago was "Please never contact me again. Peace" She is going to marry this guy unless it blows up and even if she marries him the marriage is going to blow up. So yes all these questions are irrelivant. I woke up this morning and it is the first morning I did not feel like killing myself. It has been a week since I found out she was engagued so I guess I am not doing so bad. But today I do feel like I have turned a bit of a corner. I want to focus on me for a while and my goals and learn to be alone again for a while before I even consider a relationship. It does make me sad for her a bit. It is hard to see someone you love making such horrible choices. For the life of me I cannot see anyway this marriage she is moving toward is a healthy relationship which means while it might feel good to her right now it will mean more pain for her soon. But that is her life. Edited January 2, 2010 by Artist
2sunny Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 . What got her so madd at me was that I did not come running back but said fine see ya later. Our pattern had been she breaks up and then I ride in on the horse and win her back. When I did not do that this time she got furious at me and for a while I could not figure out why? I mean she broke up with me so why be madd at me. consider yourself lucky... you just got a get out of jail free card. her expectations for the role she wanted you to play are perfectly unhealthy.
Author Artist Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 Wow. It is worse than I thought. I was just talking to my brother. He told me the date my ex got engagued. It was less than 6 weeks after our break up. The other interesting thing is that she reached out to me again on Dec. 4th and on Dec 9th I told her I saw the pick which proved she had cheated on me and to never contact me again. She was engagued on Dec. 13th, 4 days after my last email. Does it sound like there is any connection between my last email and her getting engagued?
2sunny Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 let it go. the question to ask is why are you wasting time and energy on wondering? she's scum - you are lucky to be away from her. start living - that includes NOT caring about her at all.
hoping2heal Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Artist, Be careful. You are leading down a self-destructive path of your own. I know it's hard to let go, but this is not a nancy drew case file. Trying to draw connections and make guesses as to why which events happened, etc. It's pointless. Wether this woman ever contacts you again or not, is a moot point. She may never get help for herself, I would hope she would yes, but many people never do. That is the sad reality. As long as she is like this it will only cause you stress and pain. The end of a relationship is hard and it hurts, but in cases like this? The prologned pain and stress is much worse. It's like the difference between getting an ear piercing, and having a sliver caught in the wedge of your thumb that never comes out. Sure the piercing hurts worse UP FRONT- but in the long run- that sliver is going to cause you the most pain and agony. Stop going where you are going. Tell everyone in your life; Please do not inform me of her anymore. Please don't tell me what she's doing, what you heard, etc. Stay away from any news of her, stay off her facebook. Close the door and let yourself heal, don't encourage this wound to fester. You have been through a heartache-don't abuse yourself.
Recommended Posts