travelbug Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 So my ex of 9 years broke it off exactly 4 months ago and he started seeing someone else. The reason for the split was because I was neglectful of his needs and took him for granted. He wanted to marry me but was convinced I didn't love him. It was really a slow gradual ending that had really started a good 6 months prior. Despite several 2-3 week periods of NC from my end, I've been trying to be just his friend (at his request). Because of the reason he left, it seems cutting contact will only reaffirm in his mind that he made the right decision, because it will look to him like I don't care or miss him. A month ago I sent him an email saying I wanted to give it another shot, and he said he still thinks we should start by rebuilding the friendship, that he doesn't want to lose me from his life, and there are a lot of aspects about the relationship that he misses. I suspect he's still seeing this new gal however, although I don't know for sure, so that may be playing a part in his reluctance. My question is...considering the reason he left, would I have a better shot of reconciling if I kept on being his friend indefinitely and continue to show him how much I care, or tell him it has to be all or nothing and walk away if he says no again to reconciling? He's a pretty sensitive, sentimental guy and I know he still cares for me, yet he was unhappy enough to start seeing someone else, so it's tricky. And I'm a pretty strong gal, so choosing the less painful option for me is a non-issue--they will be equally difficult. Opinions about the best way to win him back over? Should I find out first if he's still dating someone before trying? Would it even matter? I realize he can't miss me until I withdraw for a while, but I really don't want him to think I no longer care either.
HeavenOrHell Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Wow hun, I could have written a lot of this! My ex left for the same reasons, after 18 years, I have been been torn for 5 months between NC and rebuilding (or seeing if we could) the friendship, he was so keen to stay in touch, if I'd walked away I would have regretted it. We are still close but there seems no hope of reconciling as partners, so I have reached the decision to go NC, because it is too painful to be just friends when I still have feelings for him, but I have made it clear in letters/emails, not pressuring ones, not pleading etc, none of that, just saying how I felt/feel without saying outright I wish we could try again, I feel that would have to come from him as he was the one to leave. My ex isn't seeing someone else, so I haven't had that to deal with, yet. How about making it clear how you feel and just have limited contact, and also say you can't deal with the pain of him being with someone else so you may have to stop all contact soon. But it's up to you at the end of the day, what do you feel in your heart is the right thing to do? You will get lots of differing advice from people. Although to be honest listening to my heart hasn't helped me much as my heart says still see him, but it's tearing me in two Maybe I need to listen to my head instead I hope things work out for you, it is a horrible place to be. So my ex of 9 years broke it off exactly 4 months ago and he started seeing someone else. The reason for the split was because I was neglectful of his needs and took him for granted. He wanted to marry me but was convinced I didn't love him. It was really a slow gradual ending that had really started a good 6 months prior. Despite several 2-3 week periods of NC from my end, I've been trying to be just his friend (at his request). Because of the reason he left, it seems cutting contact will only reaffirm in his mind that he made the right decision, because it will look to him like I don't care or miss him. A month ago I sent him an email saying I wanted to give it another shot, and he said he still thinks we should start by rebuilding the friendship, that he doesn't want to lose me from his life, and there are a lot of aspects about the relationship that he misses. I suspect he's still seeing this new gal however, although I don't know for sure, so that may be playing a part in his reluctance. My question is...considering the reason he left, would I have a better shot of reconciling if I kept on being his friend indefinitely and continue to show him how much I care, or tell him it has to be all or nothing and walk away if he says no again to reconciling? He's a pretty sensitive, sentimental guy and I know he still cares for me, yet he was unhappy enough to start seeing someone else, so it's tricky. And I'm a pretty strong gal, so choosing the less painful option for me is a non-issue--they will be equally difficult. Opinions about the best way to win him back over? Should I find out first if he's still dating someone before trying? Would it even matter? I realize he can't miss me until I withdraw for a while, but I really don't want him to think I no longer care either.
Author travelbug Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 Yes, it is a horrible place to be. I guess vision is always 20/20 in hindsight, but it's killing me knowing exactly where I dropped the ball and that I did absolutely nothing to fix the relationship when I had the chance--and he gave me plenty of chances. We've been mostly in touch via calls, emails and texts over the past few months, and spent virtually no time together in person, so I will start there. I'll see how it goes spending time with each other. I know the feelings are still there, new girlfriend or not, so perhaps I can uncover them if I go about it right. Then if after more time goes by and he still doesn't want to try again and I still feel this way for him--I'll make it clear how I feel once again and then try to limit contact at that point. Good advice. I also will regret not trying for another shot. Good wishes to you heavenorhell, I hope you are able to reconcile. Perhaps showing your care and concern as a friend, giving the support and attention to him you didn't in the past over time will bring him back around. That's what I'm hoping for. Eighteen years is a long time (I thought 9 was a lot!). No one will be able to compete with that. No one will be able to replace 18 years of the memories and closeness you shared. I'd say, give the friendship repair stage more time. I think these men of ours need to SEE the love we feel, not hear it. It is, afterall, the reason they left...
boogieboy Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Are you prepared to meet his needs and not take him for granted? Because if you will fall into your old patterns again, theres no point in trying again. YOu havent mentioned anything about working on what he wants.
Author travelbug Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 Yes, and thank you boogieboy. Nothing like a break up to make you realize what you had. I can undoubtedly say I will not be taking him for granted again if he comes back to me. All I can do at the moment is show him as a friend that I love and respect him (while simultaneously respecting his new relationship--very tricky).
HeavenOrHell Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Thanks travelbug, I had a lovely evening with my ex again tonight, and was happy until he said it was good to see my positive status on fb lately which said something about looking forward to cuddles and excitement (ie I'm looking forward to meeting someone at some point as he doesn't seem to want me+some general excitement would be nice), so I guess it means he hopes I meet someone else Ugh. I felt a bit hopeful 2 weeks ago as he was asking me persistent questions about my new friends, I thought he was sounding a bit unsettled about it, wondering if I'd met someone but maybe he was hoping I'd met someone, which would make things easier for him I guess. I feel like s*** now. Yes I broke NC, I'm hopeless. There is no hope in my situation, I surrender. I hope things work out for you.
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