Dumped by girlfriend. Don't know what I should do.

[NOM]

Hello.

 

I had a thread earlier about my long distance gf, who left me for another guy.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t213689/

 

Thing is, after she dumped me, we talked a bit the next day and day after over IM, with conversations consisting of the usual "How are you? --Fine, you?" type of stuff.

 

A few days ago, I told her that I'd rather cut all contact, for now at least, so I can get over what had happened. I deleted all her messages, pictures of us together, and removed her from my facebook and MSN (how we mostly kept in touch).

 

My problem is that I keep on thinking about her, and I can't stop myself from going on facebook once in a while, and peeking at her statuses, etc.

 

She started a conversation with me over IM last night, at about 1am, when she'd usually be asleep. She apologised for talking to me, as she knew that I wanted to cut contact. We kept talking, and she seemed pretty depressed, and then started going on about nobody caring about her, and that no one'd notice if she were gone. She then said something about downing a few packs of paracetamol with vodka. She went to bed, but kept texting me, about how everyone would be happier. Eventually, after about 2 hours I talked her into getting some sleep. She said she loved me, and we left it at that.

 

I texted her this morning, just to check if she was alright, and he replied saying she was fine. We haven't talked since.

 

I honestly don't know whether or not she is toying with me or something along those lines, and if she is having doubts about leaving me or not.

 

When she left me, he said that she still loves me, and the guy who she left me for, but obviously chose him over me.

 

To be honest, I don't really have experience relating to something like this, and I don't know what to do.

 

What are your thoughts?

[NOM]

Anybody? No? I could really use a hand right now.

[lucielady]

I'm sorry I cant advise you but I am thinking of you I hope it works out ok x

[HLP234]

Well you are just going to either have to be her friend, if you have no feelings for her and try to be there for her only when she needs help such as car brakes, she needs to borrow something, etc only random stuff like that.

 

Otherwise, since she left you, I would just continue NC and go one with your life. If she ever brings back a conversation saying how much she wants to be with you, she is sorry and acted stupid, or some sort of reconciliation, than maybe I would think about talking to her to get back together.

 

But you have to consider since she's hurt you, would you just go back and think that it would not happen again? You both would need to make some sort of a pact or compromise on things..which means both of you would have to change.

 

It won't be exactly the same as it was before if she's hurt you or you have hurt her before the break up.

[jms76]

NOM,

 

Sorry for your loss. I'm guessing you are young and so is your ex? It doesn't really matter but if you asked her to not contact you, she's not respecting you as a person. You can't hold her hand in this situation. She left and that was her choice. I don't pretend to know your entire situation and I know it's hard but since you decided that you need NC to heal, then you gotta stick with it. Again, I know it's difficult but think of all the other times in your life that you accomplished a difficult task. There's probably more than one instance. This is know different. She is no longer your responsibility and that is something you just need to get used to. I hope you stick to your guns if this is what you want/need. Stay strong!

[dazzle22]

To contact an ex she dumped,very late at night, and keep him up and then make noises like she is trying to kill herself, (which is what she was trying to hint at by the overdose talk, and no one would miss me crapola) is EXTREMELY emotionally manipulative....she saw your actions to move on (deleting her from FB) and decided she wanted to reel you back in. This is cruel.

[HLP234]

To contact an ex she dumped,very late at night, and keep him up and then make noises like she is trying to kill herself, (which is what she was trying to hint at by the overdose talk, and no one would miss me crapola) is EXTREMELY emotionally manipulative....she saw your actions to move on (deleting her from FB) and decided she wanted to reel you back in. This is cruel.

 

Yeh and most people say if they leave you and then contact you with something similar that it means they want to be back with you..which pretty much makes the whole intentions of breaking NC confusing. But yeh it seems like if she is acting loony like that, than she is trying to get you back into her.

 

I would tell her straight up, "Look, you left me, I am hurt and need to heal. I think you should take this time to figure out what you need, but I'm not going to let myself go through this because it is painful for me too."

 

Then tell her if she is serious she will have something other to say than the I'm so depressed I feel like dying speech. Has she even said she misses you or wants to be with you because of this?

[NOM]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Yeah, referring to her trying to reel me back in...I think there might me some truth in that.

 

After I said I didn't want to resume constant contact, everything went fine, and we didn't talk for a couple of days until she contacted me with that.. She never said that she missed me or wanted me back, but she said she loved me, and used, sweet talk and what not calling me our old names we had for each other and stuff. It was pretty confusing, considering she left me, and pretended I didn't exist most of the time during us not talking.

 

 

 

We haven't talked since, and I don't plan on contacting her. To be honest, I think she likes attention. It's quite evident in how she complains about things sometimes, probably just for sympathy, etc....but I couldn't really tell. I'd never think she'd do something like threatning to overdose, just for my attention, considering she's with another guy anyways, but I really don't know what to think anymore. This whole experience has been really confusing.

[adamt]

delete and block her from everything. if she is an attention seeker she wont like it but ignore any contact. the priority is for NC to help you get over the ex as quick as possible. IF she genuinly comes back then worry about it IF it happens. Why do you want to be with someone who dunmped you for someone else. mnore than likely she will have been seeing the other person behind your back. what's to say if she doesnt do it again and again

[NOM]

Thanks for that. I'm going to try to make any necessary contact as abrupt as possible.

 

Also, happy 2010 everyone! For those in a GMT -x timezone, greetings from the future.

 

On a more serious note, any more advice and previous experiences would be really nice. Thank you.

[blackbear_703]

Hi NOM,

Your situation sounds familiar to me because both my current ex and high school/college girlfriend did the same exact thing to me. In fact I nearly flunked many of my classes during my first semester of college because my gf had my mind in knots worrying over whether she was still alive. Of course, I ended up missing out on vital study time waiting nervously in front of the computer for her latest e-mails.

 

Since she dumped you and you intend to go NC, your best bet would be to stick to it. Chances are good she's just going to stir up more drama and cause you more and more agony at this point in time. You don't want or need that. By going NC you're giving your heart the chance to heal and to get away from this mess she's created. If she stirs up another drama and drags you into it, take her seriously but don't let it tear you up since that's letting her derail your healing process. You can't be responsible for the choices she makes.

 

Good luck and have a Happy New Year 2010 yourself!

[NOM]

Everyone's been really helpful. Thank you for that.

 

After reading all this, I thought I'd try to forget about her and the break-up. Everything went okay on New Years day and so on, as I didn't have time to think about her too much (though I still did) due to guests, etc.

 

Now things have wound down and I keep on getting this feeling of missing her, and wanting to talk to her, even after what she did to me. At the moment, I'm trying really hard not to text her. I can't seem to get my mind off her. All I have to do is walk around the house or hear some song that I associate with her, and I get that feeling. Is this normal?...and are there ways of dealing with it? I'm trying to keep my mind off her by keeping myself busy, but it's not working that well, and I just end up getting down when she comes into my mind.

[Golfilla]

My thoughts are that you never push the rewind button. It's over, dude, face it. Walk away and never look back, and when you've crossed the bridge, make sure you burn it to the ground. The only reason she's talking to you is so she can keep you in the 'bullpen' in case it doesn't work out with this other guy. What's happened is that she's shacked up with an abusive guy who is great in bed, but terrible in the relationship game, hence the IM at 1am (after he's gone to bed) and the "I'm depressed" messages. She wants him for the sex, and you for the emotional support. Don't do it. Even if she breaks up with him and comes back to you, you'll always be second choice.

 

You should immediately delete her from your facebook friend list, and BLOCK HER FROM CONTACTING YOU.

[dazzle22]

Best way to get over this is stay busy with other people, friends, and dating again - but don't pick another woman who is the carbon copy of this one...

[NOM]

I guess I'll just have to keep going.

 

Reading some other threads here reminded me just how she made me feel. She literally erased me the second she told me that she's leaving me for someone else. Every facebook picture of us..everything. I'm worth better.

[WiseOne1]

Well take it from someone that was in the EXACT same sistuation as you, 100% the same.

 

Me and my ex was also in a 'Long Distance" relationship, she left me for another guy even though she says she didn't, I just have a gut feeling that she did.

 

Anyways, I tried to do NC and she broke it, she wouldn't allow me too heal, she would call and text over and over. She then also started talking about sucide, and how everyone would be fine or better without her, she also said that "no one would miss her" if she did. Her sucide threats went on for weeks and filled most of our conversation, to me it was clear that the NEW guy didn't give a f-u-c-k, simply because no one better to talk about this too but the NEW GUY.

 

I then figuired out from her past behavior that the new guy was treating her like CRAP, calling every couple of days, ignoring her, and etc.

 

__________________________________________________________

 

Okay, I first want to say is shes no longer your bizness, she did it to herself!! She left you for some dude, and now that hes "got" some he's showing his true colors, he probably never wanted her to begin with, just sex, and she took it as if he wanted a relationship.

 

Shes bassically using you as a outlet, she knows that he has no feelings for her so with him its like talking to wood (no response). She's also re-considering her feelings about you, she's seeing that the grass ain't so greener. However I would still stay NC until you surely know her motive.

[NOM]

Okay, I thought I wouldn't need to talk about this anymore, and I'd just keep NC, but I'm finding it really difficult.

 

 

I almost texted her today, and I feel physically sick, about the stuff I came here to vent.

 

 

Lately, I've been more or less okay about the break-up, but as I was talking to a friend, she mentioned the ex and the guy she left me for, and I almost threw up. My heart drops every time she, or especially that guy are mentioned.

 

 

I know I'm moaning now, but I need to get this out. I just feel used, and played, to be honest, after her telling me that she loved me, and that she cared for me for 7 months, and then she dumps me. I feel stupid to have trusted her, but what kills me most, is that she just threw me away like this, without a thought, while I was there for her all this time.

 

 

The day after she broke up with me, she was talking to me on IM as if we're buddies. She doesn't even comprehend to what extent she's hurt me, and she thinks that everything is just okay.

 

 

NC has been going steady since the 29th of December +/- a day, as far as I remember, so it hasn't been to long. I just feel angry, not at her, but at myself most of all. For trusting her and opening up to her when she didn't care all this time. Even as I look back she replied with nothing but smileys every time I shared problems with her. If you're reading this and wondering why I'm on about IMing it's because we were in an LDR, and that's what we mostly talked through. Her selfishness just killed me.

 

 

I guess I'm just looking for feedback on this, or words of encouragement and whatnot.

 

 

Sorry for the long read, but I just needed to vent. I haven't been able to do anything the last few days, because things have been brewing in my head. Thank you.

[Silver_star]

I once dated a guy who was bipolar and would lay down guilt trips on me every so often. Didnt feel great. My advice is to RUN, and RUN FAST. She now has him for support and you can start seeing someone more stable. Stop succumbing to her depressing guilt trips that will help her control you. Its just her way of keeping you under her thumb, just in case.

[scienceguy]

Okay, I thought I wouldn't need to talk about this anymore, and I'd just keep NC, but I'm finding it really difficult.

 

It's not good to break NC but give yourself a break for doing so. She broke up with you in a very cruel and hurtful way. Of course, you cannot turn off your feelings in one day. The urge to talk to her sucks--I know-- but nobody (nobody normal that is) can flip back and forth with their feelings. Anyways, I would suggest that you just try to "last longer" each time you break NC. At first, you might break it for a day or two, and then you might last a couple days, and then you might last a couple weeks, and then you can last one month. Each time you are improving the distance you can put between the two of you and eventually you will be able to control those urges to talk to her.

 

 

 

I know I'm moaning now, but I need to get this out. I just feel used, and played, to be honest, after her telling me that she loved me, and that she cared for me for 7 months, and then she dumps me. I feel stupid to have trusted her, but what kills me most, is that she just threw me away like this, without a thought, while I was there for her all this time.

 

Oh man, I can relate. My ex-gf was my best friend for years, we dated, and she promptly dumped me for another guy (and she had a past of cheating too), and I was a mess for a long time--a lot longer than I would like to admit. I know that feeling of being used and discarded all too well. It's sickening. I can't tell you that it will get better or that you can get back at her because you can't. Every time we date we are putting ourselves at risk, and we have to, it's the only way to make a meaningful connection. Unfortunately, sometimes we are going to get burned--badly. I felt, and still do, very wounded over what happened with my ex. However, this is just the way things are. Sorry man, there are no nice answers.

 

The day after she broke up with me, she was talking to me on IM as if we're buddies. She doesn't even comprehend to what extent she's hurt me, and she thinks that everything is just okay.

 

Sometimes people don't understand what they do to others because they haven't experienced it firsthand. On the other hand, your ex just seems to be bizarrely self-centered. I suggest you block and her, and if she asks, then just tell her that you need some time to heal from things.

 

 

For trusting her and opening up to her when she didn't care all this time. Even as I look back she replied with nothing but smileys every time I shared problems with her. If you're reading this and wondering why I'm on about IMing it's because we were in an LDR, and that's what we mostly talked through. Her selfishness just killed me.

 

Seriously, don't beat yourself up about trusting her. It's a necessary component in relationships; in fact, from what I've been told, the best relationships--the ones with the deep abiding love--demand a complete trust with the other person. Try to take away a different lesson: you'll be more discriminating with who you open up with and how you judge others.

[dazzle22]

Let me remind you that you need to consider the source when you torment yourself about why? why? She has indicated her calloused and manipulative personality in quite a few ways, and she does not deserve this much emotion from you.

 

If anything, you need to be examining why you did not see warning signs or why you picked someone so unworthy of your attention and love..(BTW, we all do this at least once..give our love and faith to someone who does not deserve it...)

 

I hope you don't get too jaded and generalize that all women will be like this. Seems like the bad ones always destroy the good guys for other women...

[skydiveaddict]

Hello.

 

 

 

When she left me, he said that she still loves me, and the guy who she left me for, but obviously chose him over me.

 

To be honest, I don't really have experience relating to something like this, and I don't know what to do.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

 

 

 

yea dude, she's playing you. If she had any mercy /concern for your feelings she would NEVER would have brought up the other guy. She said that to hurt you intentionally. Dont have anything more to do w/ her. she's bad news. Women can be the most cruel beings on earth.

[HLP234]

Yeh I was in the same exact situation, she left but I never got the memo I guess. So I know how you feel and it does suck a lot. You gotta ignore her completely. You can't talk to her like everything is fine just because she doesn't realize how much she has hurt you.

 

By continuing NC, she will realize one day, when you are not there for her to talk. And no one said you had to be her friend, forget her. It was her choice and if it hurt you that badly, why do you need a friend like that.

[NOM]

Thanks for the replies everyone! You're all being very helpful.

 

Today, I clicked on her facebook profile, because I just couldn't stop myself from being curious. I knew that this would most probably do something to me, yet I still did it. As soon as the page loaded, there was a picture of her and the guy. I got pretty upset and closed the window straight away.

 

I almost can't keep myself from texting her. I don't know if there's a point in No Contact. Is there? Just how selfish was she to go on about people not caring about HER 2 days after she dumped me? All I want to say to her, is that she was right. I do hate her. Of course, I didn't want to hurt her feelings when she was supposedly ''suicidal''. I doubt she'll even give a damn.

 

I applied to universities close to her. We...well, I was determined to make it work. She just said she was, but that's clearly far from the truth. What now? She's gone off with her new guy (who encouraged her to leave me so she could be with him....he knew about me all along), and I'm stuck here left with no closure, and wasted money on attempts to study in another country. I sound sorry for myself right now, I know. It's pretty sad that the only people I can talk to about this are the members on this site. I haven't talked to anyone about it in person, but you lot have been unimaginably helpful.

 

When we were friends, at first, I tried to comfort her because she was going through a difficult time. This difficult time, was due to the fact that she cheated on a guy, so she had already done it before.

 

@dazzle: I think I did see the warning flags, but she convinced me otherwise. Everytime I confronted her about this guy, she would get very defensive, asking me why I was doubting her, which always ended up woth me backing off. The day before she dumped me, we had a bit of an argument, and in the morning she sent me a text saying that I'm the only person she wants to be with..and so on. By 8pm next day she changed her mind. It's actually humouring, looking back at this.

 

She hasn't even attempted to contact me since the start of NC, which shows how easily she forgot about me.

 

If I were to say something to her now ,''F*** you.'' would sum it up pretty well. But what's the point now? I don't know whether I'm experiencing anger, self pitty, having regrets?..all of the above, perhaps? I just don't know.

 

Before I got into this relationship, I had trust issues. I didn't like to open up to people, but I decided to change that with her. I trusted every word she said, despite my instincts, which were telling me to do the opposite. I think I'll listen to myself more now.

[HLP234]

Sounds like my situation although she was the one with the trust issues, and she was the one who got cheated on.

 

I know how you feel, you gave everything over for her and now she's screwed you completely.

 

What I did, well she removed me from facebook as soon as she posted pics of her and her new guy, but was not smart enough to remove me first and then put those up..they showed up on my newsfeed even after she removed me as a friend.

 

Remove every form of contact you have with her and don't think about it. Don't go on facebook if you are gonna look at her stuff. It will only hurt you more.

 

Keep to NC and hopefully she will not say anything..but if she does, just don't respond because you know you deserve better.

 

Its hard and some nights I have a relapse, but you gotta get your mind off of it and just stop it all together, otherwise you will never get over her.

[NOM]

Thanks for the quick reply HPL234. I read your thread earlier, and I can relate to some of the said things...

 

I feel better after typing my above post out.

Should I even delete her phone number, etc? Forget her home address? Everything?