gtrguy Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Agreed - for her sake I hope she doesn't. Could you imagine if she saw this? Steve, thanks for making things so much easier for normal guys, jesus christ. I'd expect this out of a 16 year old not a 33 year old??? I still find it hard to believe this became such a long thread with a girl you only went out on 2 dates with. Anyway if she wants to reschedule, be less available. If you're serious about this girl, tell her you'll look at your schedule and get back to her when it's clear. At least the ball will be back in your court and she'll know you're a busy person (even if you may not be). There's been too much back and forth going on with this girl, and whether not she really was sick. She's rescheduled too much already and canceled too much. If you continue to accept this kind of behavior, she might get the idea she can pull it again and often in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stevejohnson1976 Posted December 30, 2009 Author Share Posted December 30, 2009 Agreed - for her sake I hope she doesn't. Could you imagine if she saw this? Steve, thanks for making things so much easier for normal guys, jesus christ. I'd expect this out of a 16 year old not a 33 year old??? ok...is this jealousy or stupidity here? i cant figure it out. my dating experience is that of a 16yr old btw. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey00 Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 where are you guys getting this cancelled too much and resceduled too much? i dont think staying home from work because you're sick and cacelling a date is 'too much'. but because it is so early in the dating process, i wanted to see what people thought. if this was after 7 dates, i wouldnt be worried. but with 2 dates, you're in that 'who knows wtf is happening' time period. did i miss something here? this is the first and only time she's cancelled Oh ok. I thought she canceled twice and rescheduled twice based off your posts, maybe I might've misinterpreted some posts. Disregard what I said then, however there still lies some truth in my post about being less available. Your missing the point. What she is doing isn't right, she knows that. If, however, she is truly being honest about being sick then you need to chill for a bit until she feels better. I'm not advising you to be "all up in her face" like wtf, I'm simply saying you need to tell her (if she is continuously offish and iffy towards you) that it is causing too much stress on you and if you can't talk about it or work it out then you need to drop her ass. The point of emphasis is that you need to develop open and honest communication with the people you date or it'll ALWAYS be this second-guessing painful **** your going through right now. Trust me, if you talk to her about how you feel (and no, it' snot mushy at all to be upfront) then you'll feel 10xs better and confident about what is going on. You won't feel any pain about it because you both talked about it and you feel like you have come to term or a better understanding. This also wills how you if this chick is serious about dating you or not. Dude, if she runs then that is her not wanting to be a normal human and work with you, and chances are if she isn't willing to talk and work withy ou now she never will. Obviously, you need to not DEMAND actions of her. Just tell her what it is you want from dating and just talk to her about it. This is great advice and women respect men who stand their ground and are communicative and mature about what they want. However it's just too much for someone you've been out on 2 dates with. Link to post Share on other sites
gtrguy Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 I'm telling you to RELAX bro. Go back and read some of your posts. You sound like a nutjob. She was sick and obviously gave you the go ahead to reschedule. So be a man, reschedule, and take it from there. You already said you have 3 other options. If your dating experience is really THAT limited, then realize there will be ups and downs. Especially with online dating. You gotta remember she is getting pounded (literally and figuratively) by many other guys as after her as you are (if she really is that hot). Just chill! ok...is this jealousy or stupidity here? i cant figure it out. my dating experience is that of a 16yr old btw. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stevejohnson1976 Posted December 30, 2009 Author Share Posted December 30, 2009 Oh ok. I thought she canceled twice and rescheduled twice based off your posts, maybe I might've misinterpreted some posts. Disregard what I said then, however there still lies some truth in my post about being less available. . i couldnt agree with you more there and im really trying hard to do that. like i said, she text and IM back and i have yet to respond. I'm planning on calling her tonight when im not busy. Link to post Share on other sites
meerkat stew Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Lucky guy. Like I said, enjoy dating the other girls. This one is done for now. Agree with this and with Dusty Saltus. You have options, putting you way ahead! Enjoy those, and add in another candidate to replace her. If she comes back into the equation, fine, if not fine. Keep adding options and culling flakes, you are doing things the right way. Link to post Share on other sites
bwidger Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Steve, for those people who want to put you down becaue your feeling insecure about this, screw them. It's normal you feel liek this if you never been in this situation many times. It is part of the learning experience. I'm still very insecure about a lot of things related to dating that is why I'm here... Link to post Share on other sites
Author stevejohnson1976 Posted December 30, 2009 Author Share Posted December 30, 2009 Steve, for those people who want to put you down becaue your feeling insecure about this, screw them. It's normal you feel liek this if you never been in this situation many times. It is part of the learning experience. I'm still very insecure about a lot of things related to dating that is why I'm here... thanks....im a normally confident and successful dude...this dating crap has my tail between my legs. my last two relationships ended in cheating nightmares for me (they cheated), so maybe thats where my insecurity stems from. hard to come back from one, let alone 2...relationships spanned almost 10 years too.... Link to post Share on other sites
meerkat stew Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 One other thing, please please consider eliminating text/IM and the like from your early dating going forward. As you can see from rereading your threads, they will drive you insane. Sticking to a "call on the phone to ask out only" in the early going will really help your frame of mind. You have spent your holidays worrying and angsty over this woman, and it could have been prevented almost entirely by cutting out all the texts and IMs. Try to have a great NYE whatever may happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stevejohnson1976 Posted December 30, 2009 Author Share Posted December 30, 2009 One other thing, please please consider eliminating text/IM and the like from your early dating going forward. As you can see from rereading your threads, they will drive you insane. Sticking to a "call on the phone to ask out only" in the early going will really help your frame of mind. You have spent your holidays worrying and angsty over this woman, and it could have been prevented almost entirely by cutting out all the texts and IMs. Try to have a great NYE whatever may happen. great advice as usual meerkat...thanks.... its hard since the woman come from an online dating site. but i will start making the phone call the primary way to communicate. Link to post Share on other sites
gtrguy Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Sorry to hear that. Rule of thumb with dating: the less you pursue, the more the girls will like you. They WANT to be the chaser, as much as they deny it. When a guy is not a challange, girls get extremely bored. Not saying play very hard to get, but let them come to you. thanks....im a normally confident and successful dude...this dating crap has my tail between my legs. my last two relationships ended in cheating nightmares for me (they cheated), so maybe thats where my insecurity stems from. hard to come back from one, let alone 2...relationships spanned almost 10 years too.... Link to post Share on other sites
bwidger Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Sorry to hear that. Rule of thumb with dating: the less you pursue, the more the girls will like you. They WANT to be the chaser, as much as they deny it. When a guy is not a challange, girls get extremely bored. Not saying play very hard to get, but let them come to you. Well, if your referring to the insecure girls, then yes, your right... Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 I think everything was up in the air until you said that she signed off two minutes after you sent her the message on IM. See with a text, you can't tell if she's around or not but with an IM (although she might have been away from the computer) when it goes through, it's pretty obvious...especially since she signed off two minutes later. Something's up. You could be a #2 guy without even knowing it. So you sent her a text, you sent her an IM and now the only thing you have left to do is call her and tell her you hope she feels better and straight up ask her, "when are you free, let's reschedule now because I have a lot of things coming up blah, blah, blah". The problem now is that she's not seeing you as a challenge and you need to step back. But at the same time if you sit back and do nothing this could go on for another month. I think an alternative is to call her and say, let me know when you want to hang out. Let her set things up and if you don't hear from her in a few days, let it go. I know it sucks, it's always the one that your're most interested in but you need to stick to your guns here. Some IM apps don't sign you off immediately.. you could be showing up as still online up to 15 minutes after you'd been away from your computer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stevejohnson1976 Posted December 30, 2009 Author Share Posted December 30, 2009 Sorry to hear that. Rule of thumb with dating: the less you pursue, the more the girls will like you. They WANT to be the chaser, as much as they deny it. When a guy is not a challange, girls get extremely bored. Not saying play very hard to get, but let them come to you. thanks for the advice. im really trying to do the right things here, hence why im on this forum. I'm just a moron when it comes to this stuff. sure, its common sense, but when you have been hurt like i have, you tend to sweat the small stuff with chicks and not screw up so you dont ever have to feel rejection again (even though i know i will). i Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Sorry to hear that. Rule of thumb with dating: the less you pursue, the more the girls will like you. They WANT to be the chaser, as much as they deny it. When a guy is not a challange, girls get extremely bored. Not saying play very hard to get, but let them come to you. Ugh, I have to disagree. The best thing a man can do is be honest and upfront in their interest in a woman, not try and be some kind of challenge. Doesn't work that way. I sure as hell am not going to chase a man who's not interested. Even if he is interested, I'm not going to 'pursue' him but rather make myself available. 'Pursue' is just not the right word I think. We capture. We capture men, and then pursue relationships. lol Link to post Share on other sites
meerkat stew Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 One final thing, with respect to the girl who seems to stick out above all the other options. I made a horrible mistake a couple of years ago and blew off a really quality woman because a "shinier" woman with more charisma was saying all the right things and showering me with attention. Turns out the shiny woman was crazy as a loon, and ended up being a very stressful rollercoaster of a relationship. When I tried to get back to the "one that got away" she wasn't interested in me any more, because it was obvious to her what had happened, and she had self-respect. I don't blame her at all. The lesson is to be wary of the shiniest ones, they tend to have to lay it on thick because of underlying problems. They know they have to set the hook hard because of the hell they are about to put you through This is not always the case, but don't discount the girl who isn't as vivacious and charming on the front end. There are lots of "slow burners" out there that get hidden behind the "life of the party" types. One of these other options you have may be the diamond in the rough. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 when you have been hurt like i have, you tend to sweat the small stuff with chicks and not screw up so you dont ever have to feel rejection again IMO, the healthy frame of mind is to accept rejection with a smile because, why? Because you survived two women cheating on you and you can still smile. Look at it this way. If she's honest, and sick, you're not going to woo her right now anyway. Solitude, a warm bed and some drugs are all she's looking for. If she's lying, she's not interested anyway, at least sufficiently enough to be honest. No hope there. So, let time reveal all truths and date the other three. While you may have a perfect dance card wrt rejection at the front, that's not what matters, as your experiences painfully proved. Try something different Link to post Share on other sites
Author stevejohnson1976 Posted December 31, 2009 Author Share Posted December 31, 2009 One final thing, with respect to the girl who seems to stick out above all the other options. I made a horrible mistake a couple of years ago and blew off a really quality woman because a "shinier" woman with more charisma was saying all the right things and showering me with attention. Turns out the shiny woman was crazy as a loon, and ended up being a very stressful rollercoaster of a relationship. When I tried to get back to the "one that got away" she wasn't interested in me any more, because it was obvious to her what had happened, and she had self-respect. I don't blame her at all. The lesson is to be wary of the shiniest ones, they tend to have to lay it on thick because of underlying problems. They know they have to set the hook hard because of the hell they are about to put you through This is not always the case, but don't discount the girl who isn't as vivacious and charming on the front end. There are lots of "slow burners" out there that get hidden behind the "life of the party" types. One of these other options you have may be the diamond in the rough. you know what? the girl im interested in most is the least shiniest. she is not the life of the party and being very hard to get... i will make sure to keep the others happy;) Link to post Share on other sites
Author stevejohnson1976 Posted December 31, 2009 Author Share Posted December 31, 2009 IMO, the healthy frame of mind is to accept rejection with a smile because, why? Because you survived two women cheating on you and you can still smile. Look at it this way. If she's honest, and sick, you're not going to woo her right now anyway. Solitude, a warm bed and some drugs are all she's looking for. If she's lying, she's not interested anyway, at least sufficiently enough to be honest. No hope there. So, let time reveal all truths and date the other three. While you may have a perfect dance card wrt rejection at the front, that's not what matters, as your experiences painfully proved. Try something different great insight carhill. wow. you are right. i cant argue any of it. yeah, i guess when i said rejection, it meant early on, as I have been CLEARLY rejected in the long run. I guess it would of been better put if I said "i have never pursued a girl and not gotten her" thanks for taking the time to read and respond everybody - i really appreciate the insight, no matter how trivial the matter may seem. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 As some of we battle-weary old farts can attest to, it's keeping a good one that really matters the most. Best wishes in that endeavor Link to post Share on other sites
New_Life08 Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 Don't go by IM status unless it becomes a pattern. I know there are some sites that will show you available, just because you are online at the time, not necessarily at that certain (dating) site. Also for the IM, I know I have been away from the pc for awhile and just went back at random to shut it off, and later someone would say... I sent a message and then you were gone. It was bc I didn't even pay attention to the messages when I logged out. On the other hand...if her IM is set up to show "idle" when she is away from the PC, then you would obviously see this if she was not on IM. So if she appeared to be there, and went invisible just after you sent a message, she may be trying to avoid conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 Umm I didnt see anywhere on here that she outright rejected you. I just want to say: The last three guys I have had relationships with, I gave a REAL hard time at the beginning. Not intentionally, I was busy. But I did the same stuff, cancelling, rescheduling, etc. i dont know what their feelings were in the mean time, but they all held their ground and continued pursuing me. And I am sO glad they did, because it showed me that they were willing to do the work to get the prize, so to speak. The guys who just sit back and wait for me to come to them...no. Just something to consider. She may already have plans for NYE with friends or whatever but I would call her tomorrow and leave a VM saying "Hey! Hope you are feeling better, would love to reschedule our date soon. Happy new year, too!" that way, you are on the fore-front of her mind, not someone she hasnt talked to in days. Link to post Share on other sites
bwidger Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 Umm I didnt see anywhere on here that she outright rejected you. I just want to say: The last three guys I have had relationships with, I gave a REAL hard time at the beginning. Not intentionally, I was busy. But I did the same stuff, cancelling, rescheduling, etc. i dont know what their feelings were in the mean time, but they all held their ground and continued pursuing me. And I am sO glad they did, because it showed me that they were willing to do the work to get the prize, so to speak. The guys who just sit back and wait for me to come to them...no. Just something to consider. She may already have plans for NYE with friends or whatever but I would call her tomorrow and leave a VM saying "Hey! Hope you are feeling better, would love to reschedule our date soon. Happy new year, too!" that way, you are on the fore-front of her mind, not someone she hasnt talked to in days. Haha, geez, these guys that you gave a hard time to... man, it takes balls of steel to put up with that and not saying anything...did they say anything to you about it? or were they just casual about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author stevejohnson1976 Posted December 31, 2009 Author Share Posted December 31, 2009 i spoke with her briefly on IM tonight. it was like pulling teeth, but she is sick. she said she "DEFINITELY(yes it was in caps) wants to reschedule" and asked what my week looked like next week (she's headed out of town for NYE and weekend). So, i guess theres hope. I went out on a last minute date tonight that went horrible, so Im kinda down about this whole dating thing. Today was kinda too much to handle for me. Blahhhhhh... Link to post Share on other sites
DietDrPepper Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 Umm I didnt see anywhere on here that she outright rejected you. I just want to say: The last three guys I have had relationships with, I gave a REAL hard time at the beginning. Not intentionally, I was busy. But I did the same stuff, cancelling, rescheduling, etc. i dont know what their feelings were in the mean time, but they all held their ground and continued pursuing me. And I am sO glad they did, because it showed me that they were willing to do the work to get the prize, so to speak. The guys who just sit back and wait for me to come to them...no. Just something to consider. She may already have plans for NYE with friends or whatever but I would call her tomorrow and leave a VM saying "Hey! Hope you are feeling better, would love to reschedule our date soon. Happy new year, too!" that way, you are on the fore-front of her mind, not someone she hasnt talked to in days. Yea i want to know more about this gauntlet you put them through to, intentionally or not... i mean, both me and Steve I think want our situations to be similar to what you had happen so if you can speak on how they pulled it off with you, we'd love to read it. Link to post Share on other sites
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