and.then.some Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 (edited) I was in an off again on again relationship with a man who, in the end, turned out to be little more than a FWB (though he claims to hate for me to call him that). He had some epic excuse, which never changed, about why our relationship could not advance, even though "he wants all of the same things" I supposedly want. I had gotten completely over him, so well in fact that I was able to tell him in no uncertain terms how I felt. (This was always a challenge for both of us, thanks to our egos.) While he was calling, I let him know that I will always care for him but that I want more than he has or is willing to offer. He made some lame attempts, which turned out to be little more than words. I took the apparent lack of effort at face value, and it was of no great importance to me. But... I made a mistake. Feeling that I was so well over him, I called him after a girls' night out with only one thing on my mind. As luck would have it, I couldn't deal with it, and --much to his dismay-- I left in the middle of the night crying. He tried to smooth things over that night and the next day by telling me that sex isn't everything, nothing physical has to even happen between us, and that he knows that I want more than just that and deserve more. After that, whenever he called, I let him know I couldn't deal him because my emotions were so heavily involved. Yet, he continued to call, and call... and call. Months later, under the guise of liquid courage, I once again placed a late night call. (I don't think I need anyone to tell me that I was sending very mixed signals.) He goes into this spiel about loving me, wanting me, needing me, how we should be married by now, and so forth. I became emotional, crying, asking him why he was bringing all of these things up at this moment in time. I was only there for the sex. And, in my mind, if all of those things are true, then he should have been doing more to show it. He started crying, telling me he "has feelings too". The next morning, he asked me with some certainty if I had a boyfriend.... assuming that's why I didn't want to hear him saying all of those things. Then informed me that he's going to marry me.... I threw the proverbial monkey wrench in the whole ordeal after being back "on" for only a month. And, as things have been going back and forth for so long, I know it's all going to come back around again in some way shape or form. The issue here for me is that I can't tell whether he's trying to be emotionally manipulative, or if something else is at play. I've been dealing with and treating him as though it's all an attempt to manipulate me simply because his meager acts don't match his ample words. He's not one for flattery and sweet talk, so I've always been prone to believe him. As well, his expressive nature has never come up before sex, or as some attempt to get me in bed. However, after so much time, actions begin to speak louder than words. In my mind, it's already a done deal. My emotions, however, are telling me "Ooooh, you're being so mean! Empathize! He 'has feelings too!" I could use a little sage advice. :-) BTW, this issue of marriage (or children) isn't something I've ever brought up, suggested, implied, or in any way mentioned to him on my own. He has always been the one to initiate those conversations, which I've always dealt with dismissively. Edited December 30, 2009 by and.then.some
Angel1111 Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 This whole thing sounds like a mess. If you don't want to be with him, then you should stop jerking him around. I don't know the complete history with him, but he sounds sincere now. And by doing what you're doing, you're hurting him a lot. The strange thing is, it seems you have deep feelings for him, too, so why do you resist having a full relationship with him? I don't get it. It just seems like an overload of drama for no reason.
Author and.then.some Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 (edited) What's more strange is that he sounded sincere before also. There wasn't a point at which he ever sounded insincere. For example, in calling with all of those remarks, he suggested that we go out just to talk, grab something to eat or a cocktail. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, agreed to meet with him, but when it came down to nailing down a day place and time, it just never happened. He kept asking and suggesting, but never bothered to follow through, even though I had already told him "okay". This is why I feel emotionally manipulated. It certainly wasn't the first time he's cried over me, and, unless he's hit by a truck tomorrow, it probably won't be the last. A man crying tends to send the "okay... maybe he means it" signal right to the female brain. (Do some men think of dead kittens in order to cry when they think it may be to their advantage?) Why bother with him is pretty much as I stated in the original post. There's much there to make me want to trust his sincerity, but when it comes to him showing what he says, he's created more than a couple of doubts in my mind. My rational mind tells me it's a hopeless situation, yet my romantic heart tells me the opposite. As for the depth of my feelings, we've been involved with one another for very many years. There was a time when I would have played the Bonnie to his Clyde if life ever threw him full force in that direction. While I've long given up those romanticized notions about love, I still care for him very deeply. Edited December 30, 2009 by and.then.some
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