Fitness Dude Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I'm still dealing with the healing process of my separation and I've gained a lot of valuable information on here but I still have one sickening feeling that will not go away. Do you ever REALLY trust someone again with your emtions / heart. My wife left me unexpectedly and with very little warning. I had absolutely NO CLUE that is the direction (towards divorce eventually) we were headed when the fight started (about 3 months ago now). Seriously, how do you trust ANYONE again? Do you just always know that you have to think about yourself first, no matter what? That seems so counterintuitive. I loved her with all my heart and believed in us with everything that I was. I made some mistakes by not showing her how much she meant to me - but she didn't tell me that there was anything wrong until it saw too late. How do you LOVE again? I'm DEAD serious, how do you EVER trust again? It just doesn't seem like there is a lot of positive results on this message board from members who've been through this......why is that? Am I not looking in the right places for positive reinforcement? I'm having a really hard time coping as of late!
ordinary_girl Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 you are reading posts posted by unhappy people here on LS. this forum isn't the same as walking into a pub and talking to random strangers. I had to take a break from it for a while as well. I was fairly active a couple of years ago then took a break from it and forgot my username and just started reading and posting again. maybe you should take a break as well. reading about unhappiness when you are down and not strong enough can be counter productive
HeavenOrHell Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Dumped after a loving relationship for 18 years, I won't trust again.
nobmagnet Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 i suggest you do some reading. Most of us here have made mistakes and are learning from them and other peoples too. I will trust again. Its in my nature to. Just because I have been severly hurt several times i would rather go thro this again than never feel the love of another. When I co into my next relationship it will be the understanding that I must not rely on them for anything. I will be self sufficiant and they can bump along side me thro the rest of my adventures. I deeply care about people and that wont change either. I will just ensure the other person is not needy and can manage to be happy in them selves. So my answer is Yes. If its your nature to trust do. just make sure they are as strong as you. xx
curiousnycgirl Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 You have hit the root of my problem. I have had trouble trusting anyone ever. I grew up in a fairly abusive environment - while there was some physical abuse, but the emotional abuse was a much bigger factor. My mother is an entirely sefl absorbed so and so - and it has really caused me to have issues with trust. My history is that I go 10 years between significant relationships. I guess it takes me that long to be willing to put myself out there. That is why this break up was so hard for me. I knew this would really be my last chance. I am now a few months shy of 45 - so I guess I could find love in my 50's, but I have already missed so much that younger couples get to experience. So to answer your question I have no clue! But feel I am in good company when folks like you ask the same questions I have - at least I know I'm not entirely nuts.
DustySaltus Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Sometimes it takes a while for people's true colors to come out. Only when I was engaged and about to give up everything did I find out what my ex's true colors were. I know how you feel. Everything is ok for a long time and then in one moment everything that you've built falls to pieces. It took me about 5 months before I could even think about going out with someone else but eventually I did. I told this new girl about my situation and trust issues and she could've handled it in one of two ways: Either, "Oh, this guy is damaged goods" OR "I'm going to show him that there are a few good women left out there". Well, she took the latter approach with me. Am I still hurting sometimes? Absolutely, but I do believe in love and I do believe in trust. Will I ever give myself completely to someone again? I can't answer that right now. But the fact that i've been able to try and develop something with someone else, says a lot for me after all that I've gone through. Time, faith and experience are the keys to developing meaningful relationships. I know postings on this site are not all sunshine and rainbows but I will tell you that I know what you're going through and it will get better. In the meantime set some short and medium term goals for yourself to put you on the path to recovery.
HeavenOrHell Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 My ex didn't cheat on me, I am lucky in that respect. But I feel I don't trust the whole idea of long term relationships now, or believe what partners say, how can any of them ever work out if he left me after 18 years. I feel I will be too insecure now, I wasn't insecure with him. Silly me.
GrayClouds Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 (edited) How do you do it? Be reading post of people who are learning and growing as people. Seeing others who take relationship seriously, who are understand that they can be great joy and great pain. Who are able to understand the depth of commitment when the share those words "I love you". We discover these are the type people we want share our life with. The people I have conversed with, by in large, show us we are not alone, others do care and can love selflessly. They confirm to all of us that are others who believe as we do. It confirms that yes, we have meet some no so good partners but their is people of quality out there. No more hoping and poking, blindly tiring to find love. Reading the post here can help us recognized that it is character that is attractive, emotion intimacy rocks has hard as physical intimacy, and the quality of people we attract is in direct correlation to the quality of person we strive to be. It gives you the ability to have control over the out come. You do it by following the advice of most. Put in the work of understanding yourself, gaining a real scene of who you are, gain the security that even being alone you will be ok. This will give you the strength and discipline to make wise chooses of who you let into your life. Reading post on LS helps us learn to value ourselves enough to have high enough expectations of others before they deserve our love. It teaches that trusting ourselves comes first. Edited December 30, 2009 by GrayClouds
sean1970 Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Dumped after a loving relationship for 18 years, I won't trust again. Yes you will... We are not lucky enough not to fall in love/trust again
Angel1111 Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Humans are amazingly resilient and there will come a time when you'll be able to see beyond the pain and realize that not everyone is like your ex. Most people would've given you a chance to make things right. She didn't, so it would seem that she had a different agenda. As far as being on LS, when you're in pain, all you tend to see is the pain from everyone else. When you're not in pain anymore, you start to see things from a different perspective. You still have empathy for people but you can also learn from mistakes, experiences, whatever. I think about how much I have changed over the years. I used to be too trusting, too tolerant, too [fill in the blank]. But the thing is, I no longer attract people in my life like people from my past. There's something about when you change, the people in your life will change also. There are times when LS gets to be too much and that's when you just take a break from it. Maybe permanently, if necessary. It depends on you. Will you always be a little more cautious than before? Yes, probably. But that's a good thing. It keeps us from repeating our mistakes. For starters, I'll bet that you'll make sure that anyone you're with in the future will communicate with you.
threebyfate Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Most people do go through a period of distrust, after the trauma of relationship cessation. But after a period of healing and strengthening, you realize that it's not the external that's the problem, it's the internal. So somehow, someway, you have to find something to anchor to, within you, something you know you can trust.
GrayClouds Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Most people do go through a period of distrust, after the trauma of relationship cessation. But after a period of healing and strengthening, you realize that it's not the external that's the problem, it's the internal. So somehow, someway, you have to find something to anchor to, within you, something you know you can trust. Said it so much better with so many fewer words then Grayclouds;)
carhill Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 As my best friend so succinctly puts it, trust with verification. I trust myself and others to be loyal to our own self interests, and everything else is verified, lovingly, adversarially, or anywhere in between. For me, being sensitive to sensory inputs, it's simple. The perceptive balance of actions and words have a profound effect and etch emotional memory. Positive actions which augment and are augmented by positive words verify and reinforce trust. Everything else is interesting noise of polite disinterest.
DenverBachelor Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Maybe if people stop approaching relationships as some type of permanent safe-haven from loneliness and instead approach it has a great time with another that will run its course, then perhaps we'll approach the situation more honestly. It seems like the biggest shock that comes from the end of a relationship was expecting it should have been permanent in the first place. More along the lines of living in the moment, rather than creating intricate plans of the future. And trusting others is a futile endeavour until we can learn to trust ourselves. How many of us can really say that we fully trust ourselves when presented with the more dire of circumstances? When I play chess against someone much better than I am, I change my strategy to trying to draw instead of trying to win. Somehow I play better when the expectations of winning are removed and, by doing so, occasionally I will win.
bayouboi Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 As my best friend so succinctly puts it, trust with verification. You're friends with Ronald Regan's ghost? o_O Hehe, anyways, my wife cheated on me and left me which led to me divorcing her and at that point in time I felt just as you feel now, OP. However, about half a year later I met an amazing woman that I loved for a year who is no longer in my life...and even though I'm in the pits now, I just know that one day I will find someone else who I'm compatible with. The thing that made this last relationship so easy to begin and end was my attitude was "enjoy it while it lasts because nothing lasts forever". That's one of the positives that comes from having a relationship end without seeing it coming, you learn to appreciate the present time together with new loves.
skydiveaddict Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 (edited) How do you LOVE again? I'm DEAD serious, how do you EVER trust again? It just doesn't seem like there is a lot of positive results on this message board from members who've been through this......why is that? Am I not looking in the right places for positive reinforcement? I'm having a really hard time coping as of late! How do you trust again? you dont. at least i dont. not any more. not when it comes women/relationships. i know you're looking for some reassurance and there lots of people on LS that will give you that. but after the way you just got burned, i wouldn't ever trust again either. i think it's a built-in defense reaction we all have. why would you wanna trust anyone again & risk getting scorched like that all over again? Edited December 30, 2009 by skydiveaddict
novack Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 not really related but denver i love your writing, it always gives me something to think of and i like your writing style! I lost my first love, so i'm unsure of what lies ahead, but usually i am far to trusting. Yes, i will scale it back a little but i am still very trusting and will try and be with my future lovers. I refuse to let someone else define my actions/character, but i will learn from the experience, i might take a little more time untill i'm 100% trusting with an individual.
trueblue72ny Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 its not easy to trust again. i struggle with it. when i meet new girls the first sign of any strange behavior and i am on high alert. if it continues out come the tomahawk missles. i am hopeful tho that someday i will know when its ok to trust in someone again. i guess that is what you have to believe in - that you will again someday.
xoxo88 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I'm still healing too and have a problem with trust too. I don't know if i'll ever trust anyone enough to have a relationship with them. I guess you have to understand you mistakes first of all. Miscommunication is a huge factor that destroys relationships, so improving your communication would be something helpful. Listen to your partner and talk to them. This will help you build trust. Be aware of the warning singns. As i'm still not completely healed this all i can come up with at the moment. Take care.
bluestraps Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 People that know you well and the ones who have shown you can trust them can see when others may not have your best interests in mind, listen to them . There were friends of mine and even my parents who told me I was heading for trouble not because of this person being bad or evil but because of what they had done to me in the past Most people you can trust. Not everybody is out for themselves. Next time maybe you will have a sharper eye.
Author Fitness Dude Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Wow, a lot of good advice here for sure. Just like the waves of emotion, I also have waves of strength, and I feel those slowly getting longer in duration. It is during these waves of strength I try to accomplish as much as possible, because during the "down" times, I don't fell like doing *&^%! I LOATHE the down times. It's all I can do to steer my thoughts away from the good times we shared. I've learned to steer pretty hard, sometimes having to squirm out of the driver's side window and hang on the steering wheel with both arms while my butt is inches from the whizzing asphalt below, but I do it. My a$$ gets further from the asphalt each time. I'll trust again, I guess, in time. I will NEVER take anything for granted again. That's my lesson in all of this. I've said it before but I will have a lot of regrets from all of this. I just hope I can let them out of my mind at some point. It took two of us to make this happen, but I still believe I'm the one who started the ship listing. Man, if I would have known a few months ago, what I know now! God, what I wouldn't do to go back, I would give ANYTHING. Nothing in my life is more important than being able to go back and make changes when they needed to be changed. I keep telling myself, even if I did that - maybe it just wasn't going to work eventually anyway. It's just a shame but I feel like I lost a winning lottery ticket worth millions of dollars, I had it in my pocket and I didn't care enough to check on it all the time, make sure I knew it was still there, and when I decided I wanted to cash it in, it wasn't in my pocket anymore.
nobmagnet Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 wow what an incredible statement! **** I wish lowly had just 1% of your feelings. have a great night tonight love, new year. new life xx
bettermustcome Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 I wonder the same thing. Trust is so intangible and no matter how much you trust and have faith in someone, it's up to that person if they will act with integrity. I keep thinking, poor next guy, the crap he will have to go through because of my ex. But, I am not so sure now. I guess I will be more alert to signs of cheating but I think I will be able to trust again. And if I do end up trusting and loving someone again wholeheartedly and get my heart broken AGAIN..that would really suck but that is the kind of person that I am and says nothing about my integrity but of the integrity of the men I chose to date, hopefully I pick them better!! Maybe you will meet that someone who shows you she is trustworthy and lives by that. Good luck my friend!
soul searching Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 I'll trust again, I guess, in time. I will NEVER take anything for granted again. That's my lesson in all of this. I've said it before but I will have a lot of regrets from all of this. I just hope I can let them out of my mind at some point. It took two of us to make this happen, but I still believe I'm the one who started the ship listing. Man, if I would have known a few months ago, what I know now! God, what I wouldn't do to go back, I would give ANYTHING. Nothing in my life is more important than being able to go back and make changes when they needed to be changed. I keep telling myself, even if I did that - maybe it just wasn't going to work eventually anyway. I agree with your feelings here... Those are the things that haunt me during my "down times." But, the important thing now is not going back, but going forward. For each of us our "other," made the decision not to continue working and abandon the relationship. So, now the best thing we can do for ourselves is dust off, get up, and move on. One foot in front of the other... and you might find out that your winning lottery ticket can be redeemed in your next relationship, when you feel ready to have one. If we stay focused on ourselves right now (making ourselves whole again), then later we'll have better relationships with someone new. Those periods of strength do get longer and more frequent as the days pass...
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