lostboyuk Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Morning All Still a complete mess, some will know my story now but I need some advice on what to do today. My GF left me over the phone 3 days ago, she's been at her mum's for xmas and knows that I'll be going away for a few days so I'm sure she'll come home to get some stuff for work next week. We've had NC since Sunday. There's nothing bad happened she just can't cope with me having kids or an ex and feels our relationship isn't enough for here (as well as her emotional immaturity, 'her words not mine'). She's only just come home 3 weeks ago after 3 months apart. I've decided to not stop her from coming to the house, it's ours and she does need her stuff but I was wondering whether to leave her a note explaining how I feel (part of the problem is she struggles to talk and feels that I may persuade her to stay). The purpose of leaving her a note isn't just to hope she sees things differently after reading it but I feel even after what's gone on over the last months that I haven't said what I need to say. It will hurt so much for her to come to our home and simply take loads of stuff and me come home in a few days feeling she's washed herself and us away. The issue for me is she is doing NC to get over this, it's making feel like I've done something wrong but I understand she's doing what she needs to do to get over this. Still confused, the water still leaking from my eyes!
Simon Attwood Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 The note is a good idea. Keep it as unthreatening as possible. The more you open up to her, the less she will feel threatened by the possibility of opening up to you.
nobmagnet Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 poor you. leaky eyes.........kiss kiss. You cant do any harm by writting a note. She will do what she will do whether you do it or not my friend. I was here when lowly came for more stuff. It was horrible but then funny. The Jerk film..............this is all I need.........bat and a ball.......ect. I wouldnt advise being there. Painful and final. Keep strong. x
Author lostboyuk Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 Thank you both just picked kids up, asking is ***** at home? Is she coming with us? I don't know what to say or do. I'm lieing to them, this is just wrong. I'm going to leave a letter, it won't be threatening but somehow she has to know what she is doing and she can't ignore her responsibilities whether she can cope with them or not, she's acting as if she's been hurt by me but she hasn't, mostly ignored me over Xmas then nothing for 3 days since she ended it. So very sad and completely lost.....
nobmagnet Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I lied to my kids for two weeks. Told them he was away working. I waited till I was sure he wasnt coming back then told them together. It was awful but i am glad he was there to see the confusion and hurt in his childrens eyes. ( the wa*nker looked across at me when our 6 year old burst into tears as if to say WTF???) tell them white lies for now, say she is away. The truth will come out eventualy but save it if you are not strong enough. xx
curiousnycgirl Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I wrote a long heart felt note to my ex on 12/4 in response to an email he sent, our last conversation was 12/1 (I still consider that the day we started NC - although there were two a few emails). I still cry when I read it, and I wonder how a feeling person could have read it and not responded. I don't think I was being needy in the note - but it was heartfelt and it made it clear how much I love him. Yet he kept walking. You can write a note, I think it may be very cathartic to you. However be prepared to her not responding - the fact that he didn't answer has been another nail in my heart.
Simon Attwood Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Thank you both just picked kids up, asking is ***** at home? Is she coming with us? I don't know what to say or do. I'm lieing to them, this is just wrong. I'm going to leave a letter, it won't be threatening but somehow she has to know what she is doing and she can't ignore her responsibilities whether she can cope with them or not, she's acting as if she's been hurt by me but she hasn't, mostly ignored me over Xmas then nothing for 3 days since she ended it. So very sad and completely lost..... Don't mention her responsibilities!!! keep it firmly to your feelings.
blackbear_703 Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Yes you can leave a note for her, but like curiousnycgirl said, don't expect a reply. Instead use it as a way to find closure with your own feelings and for saying what needs to be said before going completely NC. Good luck and hope everything works out for the best.
Simon Attwood Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Don't mention her responsibilities!!! keep it firmly to your feelings. Just want to re-emphasise this, as I was posting from my phone. Avoid the temptation to lash out in any way, and it will be a big temptation. Within both of you is a wounded and hurt animal, and the temptation to allow that animal to lash out at the other is huge. As well as that animal perceiving even the tiniest criticism as an attack. You are dealing with a frightened animal in yourself as well as the frightened animal in your other half and it is so easy at this point to allow that animal to dominate proceedings and to bring out the animal in each other. As tempting as it is (and I know it is because I've been there myself) avoid any criticism, avoid pointing out failings, avoid mentioning responsibility. No one should be with anyone out of responsibility!! If you must write a letter, make it an honest letter from your heart about your feelings. Open right up, it won't hurt & unless she's demonstrated DNP traits then she will not see that opening as a vulnerability and use it to attack. If she does attack, don't be provoked!! Stay calm and just turn away from any communication, walk away, walk out, just get out of there and take yourself out of the firing line and away from the temptation to fire back. If you are going to write, follow this advice, it's very important!
HeavenOrHell Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I would agree that it's best to not write anything which may come across as hurtful, you can say how you feel of course without attacking her. I sent my ex one attacking text a few weeks ago and regretted it ever since, it upset him and that upset me because I did not want to hurt him, he didn't deserve that, he has treated me with sensitivity all along, dumping someone is not a crime after all. I have said how I've felt in a letter and emails but was not attacking.
Simon Attwood Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 If she does attack, don't be provoked!! Stay calm and just turn away from any communication, walk away, walk out, just get out of there and take yourself out of the firing line and away from the temptation to fire back. And another thing, the standard response to the above will be to accuse you of running away. You are not running away, you are walking away, this is very important. You may get the classic "Be a man!!". This is not about being a man, this is about trying to provoke a reaction. An animal will react, a man will be in control. Walking away maintains control and can be infuriating to the other who is seeking to gain control by trying to provoke a reaction by saying "Be a man".
Author lostboyuk Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 UPDATE thank you for your advice, I wrote the letter, it wasn't attacking nor talked about responsibility but I did honestly say how I felt that her issues (I hate using that word and didn't in the letter but I'm at a loss, sorry) have stopped her and us from relaxing and being all we can be. Also lots of honest feelings, ended note with simply 'going to miss you'. I've since found out she's contacted neighbours to see if I was in, presuming to come get stuff as I thought originally. I haven't locked her out, just left the note asking her not to take or sort too much. And got neighbours on the lookout! I've landed back home with kids and family. UPDATE 2! She just called my mum while I'm here asking what she should do about the house and whether contacting me would be wrong or right. My mum didn't tell her I was here and said she'd speak to me and call her back. Don't know what to say still, just go get your stuff or let's sit down and talk about it. I kind of feel I need to go as far into this hell as I need to to come back up but also don't know if seeing her will take me too far to come back I've saved the worst to last, she's told my mum she only came back to me a few weeks ago because she wanted it to work and new how much I loved her so thought that was right. She also said that she loves me but not that way anymore, she's moved on. For those of you who have followed my story over the last few days thank you for your kind support and you'll know how low I've been. What I never imagined was feeling as low as I do now, the love of my 36 years of life, my lover, my soul mate and the person I thought I'd spend my life with has just said she doesn't love me. Don't know what to say to her, don't know anything anymore. Very very lost LS.....
curiousnycgirl Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 You hold your head high, knowing you gave it your all - maintain NC - lick your wounds - allow yourself to heal - and move on. I know it stinks - and I feel for you, in fact I'm there with you. I promise it will get better. Be selfish right now, do things for you and you alone. you deserve it. HUGE HUGS to you - and we're here for you!
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