carhill Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Some recent lows with friends: a. Divorce b. Cancer c. Birth defects in a grandchild d. Life altering injury All created psychological dynamics in the friendships which were not there prior. None were dramatic, as in manufactured drama, but were/are part of life's lows and highs. How each person responded to their circumstances, as well as how friends responded to the situational psychology of the person, defined the present dynamic of the friendships. Even in a comfortable relationship, friendship or romance, life happens. I learned this lesson well when caring for my mother. How friends responded to my situational psychology, one which was no longer 'comfortable', but rather had moments of lows and highs, with some of the lows being very painful, defined how and whether those friendships would proceed or survive. A few proceeded well and did survive. Many did not. I use those lessons now to be a friend in the above described circumstances of 'lows'. Life goes on. OP, my best advice is to examine yourself. Your psychology. Your motivations. Within your moral framework, describe yourself. That's you. If that you does not inhibit the formation of healthy relationships (friendships/family/romance), accept it and present it as the authentic you. If 'comfortable' romantic relationships bore you, they bore you. Own that
Author EricaH329 Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 OP, my best advice is to examine yourself. Your psychology. Your motivations. Within your moral framework, describe yourself. That's you. If that you does not inhibit the formation of healthy relationships (friendships/family/romance), accept it and present it as the authentic you. If 'comfortable' romantic relationships bore you, they bore you. Own that You are very right. I am confident in what I have to offer someone else, it just feels as though maybe I should take a different approach to dating. I suppose the only real way to find out what works best, is to try different ways. I know what doesn't work, but i'm not sure what does work. I want to thank everyone for their opinions!
ordinary_girl Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I learned this lesson well when caring for my mother. How friends responded to my situational psychology, one which was no longer 'comfortable', but rather had moments of lows and highs, with some of the lows being very painful, defined how and whether those friendships would proceed or survive. A few proceeded well and did survive. Many did not. I use those lessons now to be a friend in the above described circumstances of 'lows'. Life goes on. may I ask what you did to avoid your mother's illness affecting your friendships? because - from exprience - it is a very difficult thing to deal with but the fact of the matter is everyone else will tire of it and will not want to deal with it beyond a certain point. you need to shield your friendships from your private crises to some degree. there is only so much you can expect from other people.
carhill Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 I generally kept matters regarding care private, except occasionally having outbursts regarding her psychosis or matters pertaining to the government regarding her care. As my postings here generally show, I'm not a 'complainer'. My stbx saw more because my mother actually lived with us for awhile and then I cared for her at her home. Friends just noticed I was no longer around. The few who made the effort to engage were the ones who remained long-term. The rest I deemed 'convenient' since I had always been available and interested in their families and lives (highs and lows) and saw that the interest and support wasn't reciprocated. Mental illness is uncomfortable for a lot of people, but life isn't always comfortable. Anything further would be off-topic, but suffice to say I have pretty strong boundaries regarding this dynamic; a lifetime of experience behind them. We each have our own paths. Hope theirs works out
Author EricaH329 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 there is only so much you can expect from other people. I could not have said this better myself.
dazzle22 Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 I see what you are wondering about given your other thread. It really depends what you want out of a relationship. If companionship and friendship is what you want, then no butterflies is ok. But most people in our day and age want and subconsciously feel they've missed out if they don't have some chemistry in a love relationship. I married a man when I was 22 that I liked, he was a good friend, similar background and was what my family pushed me towards, but I was not in love with him. I thought I could grow to be "in love" but it did not work that way for me and I doubt it does for many. We did not fall in love, we grew apart. You can grow to love someone, but being "in love" is an often inexplicable thing that can not be "wished into being". I think that fabulous bonding of being in love can help cement a relationship, but of course many marriages like this fail too when people fall "out of love", so no easy answer. My current husband is a different story. Huge chemistry, and there really is nothing like it. Even if I lose it someday (and we all lose our loves in the end), I will never regret having risked it all to have these moments.
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