MetalguitarJames Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Thanksgiving day my wife of nearly 8 years asked me for a divorce. I was completely blown away. We hit a rough patch when I started to play World of Warcraft during the last 2 years of our marriage. To be honest I started to play to escape the reality of my opinion not mattering anymore. Her sister was living with us rent free and would bring her mooching boyfriend over all the time. It got old really really quick. She even had this dachshund that pissed over everything in the house. I got irritated with it and told her sister that she needed to do something about it. She never cleaned any of it up and my house always smelled like piss. I talked to my wife about it and she said that she would just take care of it and talk to her sister about it. I would always say O.K but it never happened. Everything I said didn't matter. She would hear me but she didn't care. She did what she wanted to do and things were always turned around on me as if it was my fault. The Saturday after Thanksgiving I went to a "Going Away Party" at the local bar. All I remember of that night was calling my wife to come pick me up and then I blacked out. I woke up in the hospital with doctors standing around me and an IV in me. I was vomiting blood and my blood pressure had dropped low enough to kill me. It was a night that I will never forget. Well I decided to leave California to move in with my parents until I got on my feet. We were actually being copacetic about the divorce because in the back of my mind I knew that we could make it work out. I just wanted her to get away from her family and to move out to Oklahoma with me. The last week there was really really rough. One of my close friends at work would talk to my wife to help her through it and his Girlfriend would get jealous of course. My wife told me that she was just psycho and that there was nothing there. I didn't worry about it because he was one of my really close friends. Well about a week after I got here I got an email from his Girlfriend with chat logs between the both of them and they were sexual in nature. The chat logs were dated on Thanksgiving day. I was completely crushed. I couldn't believe my eyes. I called her immediately to ask her what the **** was going on. She didn't answer and I got her to get on facebook to chat with her about it. She lied to me and I got pretty upset. I called her a "Whore, Cheating ****ing slut, Bitch, Cunt" pretty much just completely going enraged all the way. I was so hurt by it I was blind with rage. I sent him a message on Yahoo instant messenger to ask him about the chat logs. He said that they were true but nothing ever happened. I told him that he was a dead man. She only told me that they were true after I told her that I already confirmed them with him. I was so furious because I knew something must have happened. I did a lot of crying in the next few days and I wanted her back so bad. I couldn't just let go. I talked to her about it and told her that I would forgive her if she'd just move out here with me and to start fresh. She agreed and I would call her every night when she got off work just to hear her voice. I told her that I would do anything to have her back again. She acted happy that we were going to be working everything out. I called her on Christmas Day and her mother answered her phone. I wished her and my wife's dying grandmother (Who I took care of at night when she worked) a Merry Christmas. My wife said that she'd talk to me later so I said O.K. Well I called her when she had gotten off work but she was ignoring my phone calls. So I called up to her work for her to be paged. She finally answered her phone and told me she was filing a report on my friends GF for threatening her. I said ok and that I was going to call her back in 30 minutes. Well she didn't answer her phone after that so I sent her texts asking her what was going on and if she could at least say "Good Night" to me before I went to bed. So I called her the next day and she wouldn't answer her phone. I sent multiple texts asking her to just talk to me. She finally jumped on Yahoo Messenger to tell me that she was moving on and that I needed to as well. I asked her "WTF happened of the course of one night?!" She said that she had made up her mind and that she didn't want to do it anymore. I found out that my supposed "Close Friend" had left his Girlfriend for my wife. I was so ****ing crushed. Just in a daze again. I couldn't believe that I was betrayed by a close friend and my wife. I was stabbed in the back and I was soooooo angry and just cried for hours. I was a complete mess. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't focus on anything. All I could picture were the memories that we had together and the trust we had built and now just being stabbed in the back. I am still devastated by what has happened. Just so empty inside. My self confidence is completely gone. I can't even think of another woman even finding me remotely attractive. The one woman that I thought I was spending the rest of my life with was ****ing my friend in my own bed. These images just kept popping into my head and I just collapsed. My whole world was just turned upside down. I lost the house I was living in, My job, my car, my friends in california, my entire life. She even tried to tell me that the chat logs were only words and they didn't mean anything. I'm sorry but if you can't see that words are also considered cheating then you don't know the concept of marriage. I honored my vows. I never cheated once throughout our marriage. I'm 26 years old living in my parents house now. I feel like an utter failure in life. I heard from some friends of mine back in California that when my divorce is final that they are talking about getting married. Another blow to me again. I just don't know why someone would even do this to me. I was there for her during her suicide attempt during our 2nd year of marriage. I was there for her when her aunt committed suicide. I was there for her when her family needed help. I was always there for her and this is the way I was repaid. Now Thanksgiving and Christmas have these terrible memories to go along with it. Instead of being thankful for what I have and to be with family I can only remember what I don't have any longer and my family was destroyed. We were only 18 years old when we got married. I think that she is afraid that she'll never get to experience the life she could have had without me. She couldn't stand being with one person for the rest of her life. I could. I had no problem with it. I can remember exactly what we were wearing when we got married at the courthouse. The way her hands felt. The smell of her skin and hair. The way she looked at me when she said "I do". I remember everything so well. Most women would kill for their husbands to just remember their anniversary....I remembered so much more than that. I can't get these memories out of my head. Everything reminds me of her and I just want it to go away. She has tried to contact me through facebook and yahoo trying to talk to me but I just ignore the messages. I can't bring myself to even look at the old pictures of us on my computer. The pain is too much to bare. Starting over is so ****ing hard. I'll be enrolling in college soon and I'm going for my Bachelors of Science in Information Technology. I need to complete school and make something of myself. I know that once I meet some people out here it will get easier but for right now it just plagues my mind. It eats my insides. I don't know how I can ever trust anyone again. I'm sorry that some of my ramblings are a bit hard to read. I'm just an emotional wreck and I need to get it out. I don't want to be dead inside. I've read about the grievance process of losing a loved one. How the **** do we get past "Depression" into "Acceptance"? I keep hearing from people that it'll get easier as time goes on. Time has seemed to just get slower and slower. I go to bed alone in a cold lonely bed. I no longer wake up next to her and see her big blue eyes. Instead I'm in a bed in my parents house sleeping alone. My self esteem is all but crushed. It's so hard to see any other woman finding me attractive much less emotionally attractive. To think that another woman some day can know me as well as my wife did just seems like a long shot. Is there really hope out there? Is there a light at the end of this tunnel?
nobmagnet Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Hello What a mess. The ultimate betrail. Im sorry for your pain my freind. Welcome to loveshack. you seem to be doing the right thing if that helps? No Contact is the best possible way for you to start to heal in the short term. I would like to suggest if i may that you remove your rose tints specks for a while and see that she had little or no respect for you and that SHE has destroyed your self esteem. You married young and you havent had the chance to experience life outside of your relationship with her. Take a step back...........deep breath.........open your eyes. WOW the world is out there!!!!!!! can you see it???? Going to college is fantastic!! new freinds and best of all the prospect of a fantastic career in the future. Money, freinds, job, self respect will all arrive but you have to work at it. You have to do it alone for your self worth. Given time you will see through the devatation you feel I promice. Life can be exciting and you need to consentrate on you. Be selfish. Beleive in yourself. She sounds like a complete head f*ck to me. You need this time to grow and improve yourself. xx
LisaUk Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Hi and welcome to LS. First I want to say how sorry I am that you have become "one of us", but now that you are we will pull you through this, there is a lot of help here for those who ask and I know I could not have gotten through this without all the wonderful people here. Background to my situation- my ex of 18 years left me with no warning or explanation a few weeks after we set the date to get married. I was a mess. I had been a stay at home "wife" for 7 years, partly due to us renovating property and partly due to illness. Suddenly, I had no where to live, no job, no income and when I called him to find out what the h**l? He threw venom at me, it was all my fault, I was this, I wasn't that etc, all things I had never heard him complain about before, as far as I knew he was happy and loved me and we were planning our wedding. At 34 years old I had little choice but to move back to my parents 200 miles away. I lost my home, my furniture and a lot of my personnal belongings (no where to store them), my income and my friends. On top of this my mother is emotionally abusive and I now live with her being treated like c**p. My reason for telling you all that is that I want you to know you aren't a failure, this wasn't your fault, this was done to you, there is no justification for what your w has done to you. I also want you to know that you will get through this, there will be light at the end of the tunnel, it's just going to take some time. It's been coming up for 10 months since he left me. I am back at school doing a postgrad in Law and I plan to qualify as a lawyer. I thought no one would look at me either, well boy was I in for a surpise! I go out with my college friends and I have 22 year olds hitting on me! Of course they are too young for me, but it certainly helps the self esteem! LOL I think you sound like you are getting your life together, you've mentioned your going to school, that's fantastic. It is doing something positive for your future, you will meet so many new people and get some many new interests, I promise life will soon be very different. I am not even the same person I was 10 months ago, seriously, I really have changed an awful lot. I know it's terrible right now, it hurts like h**l, but I also know that the rawness of that pain does subside. I still have my bad days now, but I promise you it does get better, this just happened for you, give yourself time. Keep posting, we're here for you (hugs).
Author MetalguitarJames Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 I really appreciate the responses I'm getting. It makes it that much easier to get through all of this. I know that she was very manipulative towards me during our marriage. I was easy to manipulate though I guess. I never would have thought in a million years that something like this would happen to me. I haven't enrolled in college yet. It's what I'm planning on doing as soon as I've landed a Job. I don't like being alone. Some people say that's it's great to be single but it's all I've ever known. It hurts beyond belief. I just don't know if I can ever trust another woman after this. I know it's not fair to who I date in the future....I just don't want to be that vulnerable again because I don't want to feel what I'm feeling now again. I just don't know how to function on a daily basis anymore. The routine I knew for so long is gone.... I can't even look at another woman the same way I did my wife. I can't even bring myself to even think about being with another woman until the divorce is final. That's how much I believe that Marriage vows shouldn't be broken. I know that I can't let it affect me forever but I just want the pain to fade away. I don't want this feeling anymore. This feeling of being dead inside. This feeling of self inadequacy. The feeling of being emotionally crushed. I feel physically sick. I just want it to all go away =(
sumdude Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Man I know what you're going through. It's going to be a hard roller coaster ride for a while but it gets better. No one wants to hear old cliches but it is true. Time heals... you just have to put on your safety belt and hang on through the tough part of the ride right now. You're going to learn a lot about yourself and life in the next year or so. You're gonna cry, you're gonna wonder WTF is this all about. You will and should learn how to live by yourself.. there's a difference between solitude and loneliness. It wasn't all your fault... no way no how. Sure you played a part in the relationship and where it ended up but your cheatin' wife and ex friend?? ohhhh that's low.. you do not need people like that in your life. You'll meet new people and for a while trust will be hard to come by but that will change. One of my favorite quotes from the man who kept Britain going through the darkest hours of WWII "When you're going through hell just keep going." - Winston Churchill and remember You are not alone...
nobmagnet Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 my life fell apart for good in september. Its now december and I beleive it probably was the best thing he ever did. I am fundamentally happy now, I have bad days but its not because i miss him its because I am scared. I am having to sell a home I love, move my childrens school, everything is upside down at the moment but I will be even happier soon. My whole life stretched ahead and so many things I didnt get round to doing will be done! one day at a time. One goal at a time. Sleep eat and get up are all good things anything you acheive ontop of that is a bonus. You are allowed to feel pain you have no option. I understand your fear but try to look for the positives. hugs
LisaUk Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I know James. I was with my ex from the age of 15. I've never known anything else, I've never been a single adult before and at first it scared the h**l out of me. But you know what? When you do start getting out there and meeting people, you will see that they are just like you. They too have been through break ups and been messed about and even the younger guys I have chatted to have understood how heartbreaking what my ex did to me is. In fact I was amazed at the maturity of some of them. That aside though, this is still very early days for you, you're not going to be ready to meet someone else yet, your getting ahead of yourself out of the shock and fear of it all. I know, I did the same and sometimes I still can't imagine being with someone else or feeling that way about someone else. I'm still not ready to date, I won't be until I feel complete indifference towards my ex and that hasn't happened yet, it still hurts. Give yourself time, I know it's a cliche, but time will help, this is going to be a long and slow process, no doubt about it and I know you want it to stop right now, we all do, but you have to eat, sleep, cry, get up every day, breath in and out and carry on.
Author MetalguitarJames Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 I messed up.....I broke NC and poured my heart out to her like a Jackass wanting her back.....I know. I really messed up. I had a dream last night that we were together and none of this had happened. When I woke up this morning I couldn't stop crying. She pretty much crushed me again. She even had the audacity to say that she knows that I can and will move on and that it just takes time. Ya....that's pretty easy to say when she isn't the one alone. That woman cheated on me and crushed me. Why am I so freaking stupid? I just don't know why I can't forget about all of it and put it behind me. Her parents have even shunned me. I wasn't the one who did anything wrong! I'm kicking myself in the ass now. Why did I try? She even told me "The fact of the matter is that you and I aren't together anymore". WTF?! It hasn't even been 4 days since she changed her mind about getting back together with me. We are still married and she hasn't even begun to file the divorce papers.......Just want to crawl in a hole tonight....
broken hearted Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 James-to be honest with you, I can't offer any advice bc I am still coming here almost on a daily basis to get advice and help from others...and it's been almost a year since my stbxh left me. At the time he left, we had a 2 year old son and I had just found out 3 weeks prior that I was pregnant with our second. He left, began having an affair, brainwashed me into believing I was responsible for him being "unhappy" even though he LITERALLY told me the day before he left that he was the luckiest man in the world and he loved me more than anything. Not to mention, a week before he left he told me to quit my job and stay home full time with the kids, 4 weeks before he left we had just finalized our house plans and saved a building lot to build our dream home. Fast forward 11 months and I am a 27 year old single mother of a 2.5 year old and a 3 month old. I'm desperately trying to find a full time job and still madly in love with that a-hole and in unbearable pain almost on a daily basis. but...believe it or not, as much of a wreck as I still am, I am doing 100x better than I was in the previous months! Not sure why I just rambled all of that to you. I guess I just want you to know that you are not alone and I can truly understand the pain you are feeling. Unless you have gone through it yourself, you CANNOT understand the pain that we are going through...I UNDERSTAND IT COMPLETELY!
tojaz Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Theres a reason they call it a rollercoaster James. You are in for the ride of your life. I know, I've been riding for 9 months and still can't seem to find my way off. Its called love bro, and you don't get over it overnight. REad some threads and try and learn from some of us that have been through it. Learn from our mistakes so you can plan the next move, be that stepping toward her, or away from her. TOJAZ
hopesndreams Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 9 months into this nightmare and I still get that... I had a dream last night that we were together and none of this had happened. When I woke up this morning I couldn't stop crying.
Author MetalguitarJames Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 I really don't know what I would do without you guys here. I'm so happy that I found these forums. Love can be amazing but when you lost it......it becomes so harsh. My wife dug that knife in. She has completely shut everyone out of her life. She has even been behind on her photo studio rent for 3 months. I guess she must have been gambling the money or giving it to her new BF. I tried to talk to her parents about the situation but they've all but shunned me. As if I was the one who cheated. Their daughter cheated on me and moved him into their home. I understand that parents support their children but come on! I was part of their lives for 8 years. I helped them with anything that they needed. I had very close emotional talks with them over those 8 years and all of a sudden they turn their backs on me? I don't even know why I let myself get so worked up over this. Why do we always chase after people that don't want us? Love makes us do so many crazy things. The person who wrote "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" must have never been cheated on by their wife/husband. Love is a bitch.
hopesndreams Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" must have never been cheated on by their wife/husband. Love is a bitch. Ain't that the truth! I would never have been with my H for 10 years if I knew he was capable of it. All the good times, loving times, etc, etc, is all tainted now. When I think of him, it is only of when our M started to go downhill, when he had fancied another woman and tossed me aside like garbage.
tojaz Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 I really don't know what I would do without you guys here. I'm so happy that I found these forums. Love can be amazing but when you lost it......it becomes so harsh. My wife dug that knife in. She has completely shut everyone out of her life. She has even been behind on her photo studio rent for 3 months. I guess she must have been gambling the money or giving it to her new BF. I tried to talk to her parents about the situation but they've all but shunned me. As if I was the one who cheated. Their daughter cheated on me and moved him into their home. I understand that parents support their children but come on! I was part of their lives for 8 years. I helped them with anything that they needed. I had very close emotional talks with them over those 8 years and all of a sudden they turn their backs on me? I don't even know why I let myself get so worked up over this. Why do we always chase after people that don't want us? Love makes us do so many crazy things. The person who wrote "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" must have never been cheated on by their wife/husband. Love is a bitch. Love IS a bitch, but that famous quote "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is dead on for me. I wouldn't trade one second I had with her to free me from this pain. Not the best of advice to hear, but its true for me and I would be pissed if I felt any other way. As for her family, your never going to find allies there. When I tried to speak to her dad he gave it to me straight and I appreciated that he said, "I will support but never influence" thats the road I think most families take going through this. Under the surface they may be mad as hell at he rfor doing this but in the end shes their daughter and they will always stand by her side. I've been there. TOJAZ
Author MetalguitarJames Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 All I have been doing is reading threads over and over again. I know that some people have it worse than me because they have children. I don't. I just hope that when Thanksgiving and Christmas comes around next year that I don't think about her cheating on me. I'm glad that I moved away rather quickly because if I would have found out about it while I was there I would be in jail right now for assault. I know that everyone will say "It's not worth it", "It won't fix anything"....I was one of those people preaching that. You don't really know what you will do until you are in that situation. I wanted to beat his face in. Would it have changed anything? Most likely not but we all would want to attack the other person that our wife/husband is cheating on us with. Especially if they were supposed to be a close friend..... I sure as hell hope that 2010 brings better luck than 2009. 2009 sucked balls.....
tojaz Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Good for you showing some restraint. I actually came nose to nose with OM, luckily I took it out on my car rather then him. As much as I would have loved to, it takes two to tango and she was the one that was married! I'm with ya, bring on 2010! TOJAZ
Author MetalguitarJames Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 I don't know how you showed your restrain. I know that I wouldn't have if I was there in California when I found out. The only reason I didn't was because I was halfway across the country. Like I said....we all know that it would make things worse in the long run but it still is very hard not to just beat a mother f*ckers face in. Especially if they were supposed to be a close friend and betrayed you. I can only hope that 2010 is better for us all and this pain will fade away. We are all experiencing pain and to be alone on New Years eve hurts that much more when all you can think about is your wife that you haven't even been seperated from for a month sucking face with your so-called friend......Screw em all. I'm going to find me a Sugar Momma in 2010!!!!!
Space Ritual Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Wow James. This situation sucks, and I am totally sorry for what has happened to you. Listen, the No contact thing in the initial stages is a hit or miss proposition. You are not the first one that broke it and you wont be the last. I take it from your posts(correct me if I am wrong) but that you dont have any children together , is that right? If that is the case it will be easier to impose the NC. I know there are a flood of emotions going through you right now, and you feel worthless...but remember one thing..You did nothing wrong. I know it sounds hollow right now, but you will eventually arrive at that same opinion. I am glad you didn't take the violent option. In 1988 I walked in on my fiance having sex in my bed with one of my friends. I wasn't as smart as you, and my subsequent actions landed me in jail for a very long time and solved nothing other than how stupid it was for me to take physical action against another man. That was over 20 years ago and I still paying for it today. So just be glad you were able to have some distance between you and the discovery. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.... Oh and just an aside, "tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" is a verse from Alfred Lord Tennyson's "In Memoriam 27" written in 1850. You actually may benefit from reading it sometime as the poem itself deals with coming to terms with the loss of love. It may seem corny to some, but that line is but a small part of that gripping poem. Best of luck, and keep us posted. Anyway we can help you deal with it, we will
Author MetalguitarJames Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 Wow James. This situation sucks, and I am totally sorry for what has happened to you. Listen, the No contact thing in the initial stages is a hit or miss proposition. You are not the first one that broke it and you wont be the last. I take it from your posts(correct me if I am wrong) but that you dont have any children together , is that right? If that is the case it will be easier to impose the NC. I know there are a flood of emotions going through you right now, and you feel worthless...but remember one thing..You did nothing wrong. I know it sounds hollow right now, but you will eventually arrive at that same opinion. I am glad you didn't take the violent option. In 1988 I walked in on my fiance having sex in my bed with one of my friends. I wasn't as smart as you, and my subsequent actions landed me in jail for a very long time and solved nothing other than how stupid it was for me to take physical action against another man. That was over 20 years ago and I still paying for it today. So just be glad you were able to have some distance between you and the discovery. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.... Oh and just an aside, "tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" is a verse from Alfred Lord Tennyson's "In Memoriam 27" written in 1850. You actually may benefit from reading it sometime as the poem itself deals with coming to terms with the loss of love. It may seem corny to some, but that line is but a small part of that gripping poem. Best of luck, and keep us posted. Anyway we can help you deal with it, we will You guys are really great to read my wall of text and to give me heartfelt responses. I have read that quote over and over again. In one of my posts I've even said: "The person who wrote Tis better to have loved and lost than never to loved at all must have never been cheated on". I don't know if I would have done anything different in your situation to be honest. I can only be glad that I'm states away from them. I don't think I will ever forgive either of them for this. On a daily basis I try to keep my mind off of everything but sometimes it plagues me. I will try to keep true to No Contact. It's kind of hard because I really want my things from her. I think what hurts to is that she thinks that the last 2 years of our marriage that we were living a lie. I played that video game entirely too much to be honest but it wasn't because I didn't love her. It was because my opinion didn't matter to her. The house we were living in belonged to her grandmother. She lived on the same property in another home and she would come up often for coffee and just companionship. That didn't bother me at all. A matter of fact I took care of her once my wife got a job working nights. Any time that I tried to mention anything to her grandmother my wife would get upset at me and say that it would upset her. I mean come on......I was having to use a pitcher of water in the toilet every time I used the bathroom. The kitchen floor tiles weren't even finished. Near the sink the tiles weren't even stuck down to the floor and was filled with dirt. I mean **** the thanksgiving before this one her step brother showed up into town and wanted to be there. We found out that her 27 year old Step Brother was sleeping with a 12 year old down in Southern California. I refused to eat Thanksgiving with a pedophile. She got upset at me and said that everyone would get upset if I wasn't there. I told her I shouldn't have to damage my morals nor integrity to be there at dinner with him there like everything was OK. She finally made me go. I still feel dirty being there. Again.....it was like my opinion didn't matter. Now my wife and her sister grew up in this house that we were in. So when her sister came over she treated it like her own home. Don't get me wrong.....I see why but it was mine and my wife's place at that time. Not hers. She would try to bring her boyfriend over that I particularly didn't care for. Main reason being is that he cheated on her and had a kid with another woman. He's 24 years old and has never had a job and just mooches off of people. He doesn't have respect for anyone and anything. He uses her and I don't like him. I had told my wife that it wouldn't be that big of a deal if he came over with her but she needed to ask first. Not just show up with him. My wife agreed to this. We agreed that we would both discuss it as a couple before we gave an answer. Well one night her family decided to come over for dinner and she brought him. I pulled my wife to the side and asked her if her sister asked first. My wife said that she told her it was ok. I said WTF we didn't even discuss it at all. She told me that she didn't think that she should have to ask permission from me to bring someone over. I told her that it wasn't "Asking Permission". It was coming to a decision as a couple. The two of us. Not the One of us. Time and time again things like this happened. She thought I was trying to control her. It wasn't that at all! I just wanted to come to decisions together as a couple. I wanted to talk about it but it didn't matter to her. She said that I was just being mean about things. I don't see why she thought I was being mean about things when I gave her anything that she wanted. Any time she wanted to move to a new place even if I was excelling at my career we moved because I knew it would make her happy. She wanted to do photography for a living so I supported her in that choice. We definitely weren't in the financial position to do that but I agreed to it because I knew it would make her happy. Her partnership with the other woman in the photography business slowly deteriorated and it came to a point where she wanted to open up her own photography business with one of her friends. I agreed to it because I wanted to make her happy and it was her passion in life. Why should I deny that to her if it makes her happier right? She wanted me to be in the photo studio more than I was but I was pretty tired after working for 8-10 hours. It got to her because she said I wasn't taking interest in her passion. I probably didn't enough but I was trying to bring in side cash as well to help with her studio rent and other costs. It just seemed like it was never enough and she really never showed any gratitude whatsoever. I fell into a depression living in that house and doing the same old routine. I still got up and worked every day but our financial woes bit us in the ass. I told her that I would be applying for another job that paid more money. She took that as me saying that she needed to get a real job and help with the bills. I didn't mean that at all actually and I explained to her that it was me wanting to help out more. I couldn't be there all the time with her at her studio. I just wanted to go home and relax. There were things I could have done better but I didn't. She never really made me feel all that physically attractive in our last 2 years together. It seemed her as though I wasn't giving her enough. Emotionally I didn't want to open up to her because somehow she would turn it around on me every time that I did. I was tired of living in that house that was falling apart, her wanting to gamble at the casino all the time, and wanting to go out all the time. I was never the Bar/club type of guy. I was happier curling up on the couch with her and watching a movie or just spending time together at home. She wanted to go out and do things but we weren't financially stable enough to support that. We were in mounds of debt that plagued my mind every day. I didn't see the point in wanting to go to those places. Most of the time people are there to look for another mate. Why should we be there if we've already found each other right? At the end of the day I still loved her very much even though I knew that certain things just wasn't right in our relationship. I was willing to work those things out. I just wanted her to be happy but it just didn't seem like I could make it that way without just doing anything and everything she asked. It stressed me out and when she pushed me to talk about my issues it would get me to the point where I would have an outburst and punch a wall or something. I would NEVER ever physically harm a woman. I was raised better than that. She would get upset afterwords and I would have to go in to the room and apologize to her. She wanted me to open up about everything and just cry. I couldn't bring myself to do it for the fear that she would look at me as weak. I wanted to be strong for her because of the family issues that were going on and I wanted to take care of her. I don't know why I didn't. I regret it now because it's pretty easy to cry now. I don't know why I'm telling everyone all of that. It just helps to get it out and vent. We never had any issues when we didn't live near her family. Our relationship was always nothing short of amazing when we weren't near them. It seemed that anytime I brought that up she would get upset with me and she would tell me that I was trying to make her choose between her family and I. It wasn't that at all. I just wanted her to realize what was going on. Her family came first in our relationship. She would tell me about things that were going on that stressed her and when I made suggestions to fix the issue she would get upset and say that I was attacking her family. I once told her that she needed to get a grip on reality and realize that we should be number one in each others lives. Not anyone else. I understand the importance of family very much so. But in the same respect in a marriage we should be number one in each others lives and no one else. It still hurts to be without her because we did have a lot of great memories. She was the second woman I had ever been with sexually and I was always self conscious in that area. She used to make me feel great about it but towards those last two years it slowly went away. Sometimes I wish that I could find that Haitian from that NBC Show "Heroes" so he could erase some memories so it wouldn't hurt so bad. James
2.50 a gallon Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 After reading your story I am having a hard time understanding why you would want to stay in an environment like that. Be glad that you are out of there. In a marriage your partner comes first, family comes second. Biblical, for a man shall leave his mother, etc. My marriage did not last all that long, and the first cracks had just appeared when my parents took a week vacation and paid us a visit. My mom chided my XW about something in the kitchen. "Mom, your my mom, but she is my wife, and it is her kitchen and she will run it as she sees fit. We would never tell you how to run your kitchen, and please give my wife the same respect." Or words to that effect. Time for you to move on in life, you will find somebody new. And you will trade up. Trust me it will happen. What kind of "things" of yours does she still have in her possession?
Author MetalguitarJames Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 Maybe it was because she's really the only woman that gave me the time of day in the physical intimacy department. I never thought I would find a woman that would want to be with me like that. I'm not fugly by any means I just never really had the self esteem to get out there. It's my own demons I have to face now. I have an addictive personality and I need to learn how to deal with things head on. She still has a good deal of clothes of mine that I don't care about. But she still has my Air Force uniform from when I was still in, my half stack guitar amp, some shoes, and misc things. I wanted the wedding ring back because I told her that I wanted it back. She questioned why and I told her because of what it symbolized. She broke the vows and she doesn't deserve to have it. I also told her to change her last name because she didn't get the honor of wearing my last name because of what she did. I doubt I will get anything back from her but just to tell her made me feel better. I don't talk with her on the phone. I haven't since the 26th. Just through facebook.
LisaUk Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 I messed up.....I broke NC and poured my heart out to her like a Jackass wanting her back.....I know. I really messed up. I had a dream last night that we were together and none of this had happened. When I woke up this morning I couldn't stop crying. She pretty much crushed me again. She even had the audacity to say that she knows that I can and will move on and that it just takes time. Ya....that's pretty easy to say when she isn't the one alone. That woman cheated on me and crushed me. Why am I so freaking stupid? I just don't know why I can't forget about all of it and put it behind me. Her parents have even shunned me. I wasn't the one who did anything wrong! I'm kicking myself in the ass now. Why did I try? She even told me "The fact of the matter is that you and I aren't together anymore". WTF?! It hasn't even been 4 days since she changed her mind about getting back together with me. We are still married and she hasn't even begun to file the divorce papers.......Just want to crawl in a hole tonight.... Hi James Mine did this too. "Move on! You need help, see someone, just move on already" 3 days!!!!! Treated me like a crazy person b/c I had not moved on in 3 days! Don't feel bad about the NC, it takes time to get into a resolve with it and I even managed to break it in the last 24 hours after 10 months and 7 months NC! Thank goodness I got answerphone! LOL Not that I wanted to speak to him, just wanted to p**s him off by b**t dialing him! But I'm glad he wasn't there, it would have shown I still give a d**m and he deosn't deserve me to still care about him. I just want to be over him. Anyway, sorry I'm rambling now about my issues. What I'm saying is, this is all VERY recent for you and as you can see I am 10 months in and still finding it tough. It gets easier though, one day at a time and be patient with yourself, treat yourself like you would a friend going through this.
Author MetalguitarJames Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 Lisa I can't imagine the pain you went through. It's strange how the Dumper always says that we will move on and it just takes time......Really?! That's only because they have already found someone else and they are too freaking delusional to admit it to themselves. Somehow they change it around on us and act like they are doing us the favor. So really.......Since my wife left me for my now ex-friend and they live together of course.....Any idea on how long these types of relationships last? I have no reservations of even getting back together with her. I would just like to know for an idea of when she starts feeling the pain she put me through. She's the type of woman that is afraid to be alone in life. She always has to be with someone. So again how long do those types of relationships last....especially if they now live with each other?
LisaUk Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Hi James Unfortunately you do know th epain I went through, b/c you are going through it now, but I promise it subsides. As for how long this "relationship" will last, well there's no answer to that, but trust that she has not dealt with any of her issues, her part in the breakdown of your marriage. By the time you are through this, you will have become a better and stronger person for it, you wil have addressed any issues that you needed to and be ready for that wonderful person who will love you for who you are and not walk away at the first sign of trouble. Your W on the hand? Well, it's all your fault silly! (British sarcasm). So, you think she will have addressed any of her issues? NO. So what happens when she discovers the new bloke isn't perfect? Same old, same old.
Author MetalguitarJames Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 Lisa you're awesome. Just putting that out there because you're still kicking around after the **** you went through. I'm sort of looking back on this, even though the final straw was merely the 26th of December, and I think I honestly just want to cherish the amazing moments that we did have together. I don't want to think about the betrayal. I don't want to be dead inside. I just wished that these dreams would stop haunting me. I know that they won't for a while because I let them. It's a process I suppose. One that I will just have to deal with. I let my thoughts get to me so I've been writing them down in a journal of sorts. I think I'm going to go play some guitar now....... You guys rock.
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