Author richardcruz Posted January 16, 2010 Author Posted January 16, 2010 This is day 5 of NC. Still no contact from the Ex. Then again, I don't really ever expect her to make contact with me. I don't think about her as much as day one of NC but when I do think about her, it seems to sting alot more. My brain has involuntarily surfaced memories lately that I had completely forgotten about. Many of these memories are from times when we first started dating. So on Thursday, I was invited to a get together that a couple of co-workers of mine were hosting. Normally, I refrain from going to these things because I don't really like mixing work and fun but for this particular night I was bored and a bit depressed of my situation so I pulled got myself out of the house and went. I arrive at the house and sure enough "the other girl" is there.This is no big surprise really. She is a good friend of a co-worker so she tends to attend these work functions regularly (yet another reason why I wouldn't really go to these things as I would try to avoid her when I was in my relationship). Anyways I say hi briefly and start to mingle with the crowd, paying her no more attention than anyone else. In all honesty I do find her to be attractive but it seems that now I just associate her with all of this other drama happening in my ife so it kind of turns me off. She pretty much chases me around for a good portion of the night. When I go hang out with a group of friends, she ends up standing next to me. All the while, my X's friends are there too. One of them (we'll call her Jan) comes up to me and tells me "hey you and 'the girl' have chemistry. She says this jokingly because obviously my X has told her what's going on. Later on, my X's friend Jan approaches the other girl and tells her "so you're the infamous Jan. Don't worry, I'm not here to judge, I'm just here to have fun. The other girl thinks this is strange and comes up to me and asks me why she's sayng that. I explain to the other girl that my X told her friends that I was cheating with her. "What???" Why does she think that? I told her that she had found the flirtacious texts. She still kind of puzzled that all of this was going on without her knowing. The night comes and the other girl and her friend had a lot to drink. She asks for a ride because otherwise she would be DUI. I give both of them a lift. When I drop of the other girl, we stay parked talking in front of her house. The other girl tells me that I should forget about my X because she's too young and too immature. Now, of course she's going to say this because she does have some interest in me, but she obviously does have a valid point as well. I tell her that she does have a point but that I do care a lot about her and that if she were to contact me, I'd hear her out and see what she would have to say and go from there. In other words, I wasn't totally closed to the idea of talking things over with my x IF AND ONLY IF she initiated contact and had the intention of talking things over. Otherwise it would continue to be NC. She hugged me, got out of my vehicle and went inside. Somehow I wish my x could somehow see all this stuff. She's over there thinking that I'm cheating on her when I'm over here talking about her with the other girl and telling her that I care for my x. Yet my x is telling everyone that I cheated on her!! The thing that bugs me is that I know her friend Jan is going to go to my x and tell her this whole story of how I was with that girl and who knows how she is going to twist the story. This is going to confirm what my x thought was going on and solidify her reason for leaving me...even though none of it is true. I was thinking of (please don't kill me everyone sending a txt to my x that simply says: --hey I went to a work function and the other girl was there, nothing happened nor has it ever. I wanted to be honest wth you because your friends are prob gonna fabricate stuff--- But then again what is the point. She's not going to believe me anyways. She's going to take her friends story. The worse thing is that twice as I was walking by, Jan would smack my ass. Now I thought this was stupid as f$@k because her is this girl being completely disrespectful to her friend. I mean seriously who does that to a friend's ex bf/gf. To make it worse, Jan is going to go back to my x and tell I'm almost sure she's going to tweak the story of me and that other girl. Why does she tell her that she was also there spanking me as I'd walk by. And this is the girl that my x is going to believe!!! Her friend is a hypocrite and the whole thing kind of just got me upset. Just the fact that I'm involved in this drama to begin with makes me kind of mad. Especially with her hypocritical ass friends. At this point I just closed my phone and decided not to say anything. She won't believe me anyways so what's the point. My attempt to contact her was not solely an effort to reconcile with her, but rather to vindicate my name with her. It hurts me to think that she's going to feel hurt once her friends twist things when truly she has no reason to be hurt. I've never cheated on any of my gfs because I truy have been cheated on and it hurts like a MF. Even the thought of her thinking that I did cheat on her; well it just makes me feel bad and makes me want to clarify things for her so she doesn't unnecessarily feel the pain. I don't know. Like I said I haven't sent anything and because I don't think it's going to make a difference, I probably wont. My friends tell me that why do I care how she feels when she obviously didn't care about me when she left. "Has she called you or even txt you??" they ask. "Exactly" they reply.
HLP234 Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Her friends are going to act like that if they see that there is some sort of drama. Women always want to be involved in something. Even though you told her friend you would still work it out with her, they still think that you are just sitting and waiting for your ex. Even if she contacts you, I would not respond..you will always be hurt. If you did not cheat on her and you know it, then why worry about what she is saying. She is probably noticing the other girls are trying to make you feel better so she is jealous. Any ex, no matter what does not want to see their old ex with someone else. It makes them mad. I would have told that friend who said you should forget her that its true, and that you were moving on rather than be willing to work it out. That sent a few mixed signals I suppose. That is why I try to go anywhere where I know I will not run into my ex, or her friends. I truly do not want to speak or see her ever again, even though I want her like no other. Its tough but if you really want to move on, and looks like you need to anyway..you have to tell yourself and wipe everything to start fresh. Don't give in to anything her friends say about her. Always have a positive attitude and if they bring her up, tell them you have no interest and are going on with your life.
Author richardcruz Posted January 17, 2010 Author Posted January 17, 2010 So this is day 6 of NC with my Ex. Sure I've been tempted to call her but so far I've been able to hold off. I told myself the only way that I would speak to her is if she initiates the contact, since she was the one that left me. Anyways I've been trying to get myself to come to terms that I will need to meet someone else in time and that things between my ex and I were not meant to work. I've gone online to all the usual dating sites and it hits me that I am not really attracted to anyone. Is this normal? This maybe that my self esteem is in the gutter. In their description all of the girls ask for these guys to possess all of these amazing characteristics, of which I am not. I'm not the funniest person you'll ever meet. My sex is far from amazing. Maybe this is because of my anti-dep medication and little to no consumption of red meat (low testosterone perhaps). Then again maybe it's just a vicious cycle and my actual depression is the cause of it all. Maybe I need to see the Doc and get that checked out. I am not the most spontaneous person you'll ever meet and am not necessarily the best looking nor unattractive guy you'll meet either. In all honesty I don't think I have what it takes to fulfill their criteria. It's quite funny but I don't really even find the girl that my Ex thought that I was cheating with to be too attractive, and actually after a while of talking to her, the bit of attraction wears off. LOL If my ex only knew that she left me because she thought I was messing around on her with this girl and in reality there is nothing there. Oh well I tried to tell her that I hadn't cheated on her and that I was just networking with people after she left me; forcibly changing my status to single. Anyways I wonder why I feel this way. Is it a physiological thing with the chemicals in my brain or is it due to my fresh breakup wound? One thing for sure, I am absolutely tired of the dating seen. 30% percent of woman in my area is hot but yet are stupid as s$%t. The other 40% don't possess any of the two qualities. The remaining 28% are intelligent and are attractive in their own respects, however these are the ones that have boyfriends. So you have to go out there and try to find one of these women from the 2 percentile while sorting through 70 percent of the undesirable. Obviously the 28% is easily eliminated from race due to their relationships. I know my numbers are skewed by my current feelings but this is just the way seeing it right now. I do consider myself a pretty loyal person but maybe this is why I also stuck with my ex when she left me all those times. Maybe this is why I stuck around when things in the relationship became one-sided (ex. she was never wrong). I wonder how long I'll be alone after this one...
HLP234 Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Im wondering how long I will be alone after my ex left me too. I bet you that my ex, in her mind thinks she left because I had done something that she saw as wrong. When in reality, she wanted space, it was her choice, I was doing everything she asked. Besides, she left without even letting me know..and her excuse I bet would be "Well its not my fault you didn't realize it was over." I haven't messed with online dating sites. I checked them out and I didn't really see anything on there. Its all made up stuff that they say they are looking for, because its the internet. Besides, getting anyone decently attractive is tough online. You have to know what to say, have to be creative and get their attention. I would try and go out somewhere with friends or just get to know girls that your friends know. That is what I am doing..nothing working as of now but the more times you go out to clubs/lounges, the better chances you will find someone and get their number at least. You have to increase your self esteem because now we all have low self esteem due to the break up. Have a few drinks when you go out, don't get drunk but just enough to feel alright and start talking to some women. I thought it would be stupid to do this, but it worked and I was able to introduce myself with no help from my friends. Its hard as hell to get to the point and try it, but hey what do you lose if they say no? Will it hurt as much as you not having your ex? No..it wont, its just one more off of your back. So don't be afraid to speak up if you are in public and you see something you like.
Author richardcruz Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 (edited) Firstly, A big thank you to all who have followed my story. HLP I really appreciate all of the input that you have given my pretty much since the beginning of my post. Anyways so my gf ended up finding out (as I suspected she would) that I had gone to the work function and this girl that she thinks I'm messing around with is there. Just to reiterate, my ex left me about a week ago and told me that she needed to be alone. I responded by telling her that I would be here, which she countered with "you shouldn't I'm not a guarantee." I get a call from her on Monday after a week of NC. I pick it up and we immediately start talking. I'm kind of laughing because It was good to here her voice. All of a sudden the tone changes and she starts to tell me that I have some nerve. Now keep in mind that I haven't called or text her these past days because she told me that she wanted to be left alone and I told her that I would respect it. She starts to tell me what jerk I am and starts raising her voice and cussing. Unfortunately I couldn't just sit there and take her yelling and talking over me so I too start joining the shouting match (I should've been the level-headed one). She tells me that she heard that I was there and I acknowledge it. Just as I suspected, she starts telling me how it just confirmed the suspicions that she had of "her" and me. I tell her that this simply isn't true. I insist that she should asks her friends if I was doing something wrong that night. I didn't dance with her, wasn't hugging her or kissing her; nothing like that. I mean how stupid would I be to actually go meet this girl I'm "supposedly" cheating with at a place where I know good and well that all of my X's friends are going to be there. She tells me that if I had any common sense, I would have avoided that situation all together (Damn. Maybe she's right. I knew that there was a possibility of the other girl being there but I still went. I didn't want to stay home depressed from my situation. After ll she left. What diffference would it make). She then gets more upset and tells me she needs to go. As I’m saying wait!! She hangs up on me. The funny thing is that I was contemplating sending her a text when I noticed that "the other girl" was there so my x wouldn't think that I was sneaking around (believe it was a post from last Thursday under this same thread). Anyways I decided not to send her the txt explaining what had happened because 1) she told me she wanted to be alone and 2) she probably wouldn't believe anything that I would say anyways. That night I write her an email that said something to this effect. -------I'd call you but you'd just hang up on me (again). I'd tell you the truth but you'd say I was lying. I'd tell you to ask your friends but you would just ignore it. I'd tell you that I could prove that I hadn't done anything but you'd tell me that it didn't matter. I'd tell you that I came back to you all those times that you had left me because I cared for you, but you'd say that I'm just putting excuses for myself. I'd tell that we both need to work on fixing things, but you'd tell me that you haven't done anything wrong. I would tell you that I wrote this email to you after you hung up on me because I'm willing to work things out with you and I love you, but you would say that you'd rather be left alone. Either way I lose. Next day, I (as dumb as it sounds) txt her to check her email. She calls. Here are the highlights of the conversation: ------- Her: I don't know why you for some reason you feel that you have gone above and beyond what you should've done in this relationship that you even feel the need to through it in my face in an email. It's like you believe that you've done something more than whats normal. You even included the time when you packed me a lunch for work (it was a nice lunch-well thought out, nice presentation etc.) All that stuff are just things people do, like any guy would do that. Me: I'm not throwing it in your face. I just wanted you to see it because sometimes I don't think that you appreciate it. HEr: I do see it. I just don't have to be reminded. ME: If you did see it, you wouldn't have walked away from our relationship all of those times. If you did you would see how hard I'm trying to make things work between you and I. I'm telling you the truth about the cheating accusation. I've always told you that I've been willing to even polygraph for you just so you can see I'm not lying. I mean come on. Who would do that for someone? Her: So! That's average. Anyone would. Me: Oh okay. Then who would do that? Her: My ex once offered to do that for me when I caught him cheating (I think this is BS) Me: I'm not your ex. Cheating is black and white. You either cheat or you don't. I haven't. Since your friends told you that I was at the get together, why don't you ask them if I was doing something wrong. Ask them! Her: No. I don't need to. Me: Sometimes I feel that you just don't want to believe me. The night that I went to the get together, I was even thinking of sending you a message saying that 'I went to a party and she was there' so you wouldn't think that I was being dishonest. I have this blog (loveshack...didn't mention the name obviously) that I post on and there is a message there where I'm asking myself this. It's time-stamped and everything. I'll show it to you!! (Now people don't worry. I wasn't going to show her my profile or anything on this site. I was going to get a partial screen shot of the post ; blocking any info that would lead her to the discovery of the site). Her: We'll you didn't do that did you so that's irrelevant. It was just a thought and you didn't follow through. So no I don't want to see it. Me: I didn't want to send it because you said you wanted me to leave you alone. See the position I'm in? It's like no matter what I do I lose with you. I even have material facts to prove that I'm being honest and you still don't want to see them. You just don't want to believe me. Her: Maybe you're right. Maybe I don't want to believe you (WHATTT???). ------ ME: I was sad from all of this that was going on between you and I. I wanted to get out and get my mind off things. Her: Yeah. You were soOoo depressed that you went out right ? (sarcastic). Me: Umm yeah most single people do that when they get heartbroken. This isn't anything new. Her: You just put yourself in stupid situations. You could have easily left when you saw she was there (now I wish I would have to avoid all of this). Me: Let me make sure I understand this. You left me because you said you wanted to be left ALONE. When I told you that I would be here, you replied with don't, I'm not a guarantee." which in the dating world means I don't want to be with you leave me alone. In my mind I figured you were never coming back really. I've been sad this whole week so I decided I'd go to a get-together where many of my friends (including some of your friends) were going to be and you're saying that I should've LEFT because a girl that I haven't done anything with was there? Her friend works with me so she's going to attend some of these things!! But yet I should have left? Her: Oh so you're saying that it was payback? Me: No. I'm saying that YOU LEFT ME. Had you not left maybe I wouldn't have been sad and maybe I wouldn't have gone to this thing in the FIRST PLACE!! The issue here is that you left. Don't you see it? ---- Me: You know you blame me for all that is wrong with our relationship. You never stop to see the part that you've played in it, like you leaving me all of those times. I mean, you can't do that X, you can't just play with someone's emotions. It creates instability and makes the relationship unhealthy. Her: I don't need to apologize for the things that I've done. Every time that I've left you I felt that it was warranted at the time and that's what I felt. I'm not apologetic for that. What about this past time that you got mad when I was just going to go eat with my buddies and I offered to take you out after and you straight sad no because "you were my 2nd plan?" You didn't even take the time to ask what time I'd be back. You just completely said no. I felt so messed up. I ended up finishing up at 7:30, ample time to have gone to pick you up. I'm not going to say sorry for that! That was your fault. And besides sometimes sorry doesn't mean anything. Sometimes actions mean more. Me : and sometimes the words do mean something and would help the situation. ------ Me: Look I really care about you. I'm tired of all of this. We've both been hurt by each other. Can we just start working towards a positive direction and both recognize that this is our intention so that we may be on the same page finally. I understand that things don't happen overnight and it takes time and we can take it slow. Can we? Her: I can't give you that Me: Okay Her: Bye god, I don't know what to do..I've been NC again since this conversation. It makes me upset as I'm typing because I feel like I'm reliving it. I still feel bad that she feels hurt though. But she doesn't care about me enough to keep herself from saying messed up things to me. Why do I care?? (frustrated) Edited January 21, 2010 by richardcruz
HLP234 Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 To be honest, it looks like conversations I had with my ex. Man, she would twist everything I said even if it was right, and make it look like she was the victim. If I were you I would have avoided this whole conversation with her. When it got to the point that she was saying those one line answers, I would of told her look, I'm done with this, I wish you luck with everything and goodbye. Don't contact her again. Don't worry about what she thinks. When my ex and I were on a break, she would get pissed that I went to hang out with friends. Are you serious? You tell me we are not together and can do whatever but then you get mad because I went out with my friends? The same type of behavior here. She doesn't want you to move on or feel better. She wants you to beg and cry and take all the blame. It was her choice, this was her decisions to have time alone. Officially you were not in any relationship with her once she said that. Just because you were talking to her friend doesn't mean anything. Why should we stay inside and be depressed if they leave us? If I were you I would resent her right now, I would not even care about what she has said, and go NC completely. Do whatever you have to do for yourself but seriously just drop this trying with her..it is not going anywhere as far as I can tell.
Silver_star Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Firstly, A big thank you to all who have followed my story. HLP I really appreciate all of the input that you have given my pretty much since the beginning of my post. Anyways so my gf ended up finding out (as I suspected she would) that I had gone to the work function and this girl that she thinks I'm messing around with is there. Just to reiterate, my ex left me about a week ago and told me that she needed to be alone. I responded by telling her that I would be here, which she countered with "you shouldn't I'm not a guarantee." I get a call from her on Monday after a week of NC. I pick it up and we immediately start talking. I'm kind of laughing because It was good to here her voice. All of a sudden the tone changes and she starts to tell me that I have some nerve. Now keep in mind that I haven't called or text her these past days because she told me that she wanted to be left alone and I told her that I would respect it. She starts to tell me what jerk I am and starts raising her voice and cussing. Unfortunately I couldn't just sit there and take her yelling and talking over me so I too start joining the shouting match (I should've been the level-headed one). She tells me that she heard that I was there and I acknowledge it. Just as I suspected, she starts telling me how it just confirmed the suspicions that she had of "her" and me. I tell her that this simply isn't true. I insist that she should asks her friends if I was doing something wrong that night. I didn't dance with her, wasn't hugging her or kissing her; nothing like that. I mean how stupid would I be to actually go meet this girl I'm "supposedly" cheating with at a place where I know good and well that all of my X's friends are going to be there. She tells me that if I had any common sense, I would have avoided that situation all together (Damn. Maybe she's right. I knew that there was a possibility of the other girl being there but I still went. I didn't want to stay home depressed from my situation. After ll she left. What diffference would it make). She then gets more upset and tells me she needs to go. As I’m saying wait!! She hangs up on me. The funny thing is that I was contemplating sending her a text when I noticed that "the other girl" was there so my x wouldn't think that I was sneaking around (believe it was a post from last Thursday under this same thread). Anyways I decided not to send her the txt explaining what had happened because 1) she told me she wanted to be alone and 2) she probably wouldn't believe anything that I would say anyways. That night I write her an email that said something to this effect. -------I'd call you but you'd just hang up on me (again). I'd tell you the truth but you'd say I was lying. I'd tell you to ask your friends but you would just ignore it. I'd tell you that I could prove that I hadn't done anything but you'd tell me that it didn't matter. I'd tell you that I came back to you all those times that you had left me because I cared for you, but you'd say that I'm just putting excuses for myself. I'd tell that we both need to work on fixing things, but you'd tell me that you haven't done anything wrong. I would tell you that I wrote this email to you after you hung up on me because I'm willing to work things out with you and I love you, but you would say that you'd rather be left alone. Either way I lose. Next day, I (as dumb as it sounds) txt her to check her email. She calls. Here are the highlights of the conversation: ------- Her: I don't know why you for some reason you feel that you have gone above and beyond what you should've done in this relationship that you even feel the need to through it in my face in an email. It's like you believe that you've done something more than whats normal. You even included the time when you packed me a lunch for work (it was a nice lunch-well thought out, nice presentation etc.) All that stuff are just things people do, like any guy would do that. Me: I'm not throwing it in your face. I just wanted you to see it because sometimes I don't think that you appreciate it. HEr: I do see it. I just don't have to be reminded. ME: If you did see it, you wouldn't have walked away from our relationship all of those times. If you did you would see how hard I'm trying to make things work between you and I. I'm telling you the truth about the cheating accusation. I've always told you that I've been willing to even polygraph for you just so you can see I'm not lying. I mean come on. Who would do that for someone? Her: So! That's average. Anyone would. Me: Oh okay. Then who would do that? Her: My ex once offered to do that for me when I caught him cheating (I think this is BS) Me: I'm not your ex. Cheating is black and white. You either cheat or you don't. I haven't. Since your friends told you that I was at the get together, why don't you ask them if I was doing something wrong. Ask them! Her: No. I don't need to. Me: Sometimes I feel that you just don't want to believe me. The night that I went to the get together, I was even thinking of sending you a message saying that 'I went to a party and she was there' so you wouldn't think that I was being dishonest. I have this blog (loveshack...didn't mention the name obviously) that I post on and there is a message there where I'm asking myself this. It's time-stamped and everything. I'll show it to you!! (Now people don't worry. I wasn't going to show her my profile or anything on this site. I was going to get a partial screen shot of the post ; blocking any info that would lead her to the discovery of the site). Her: We'll you didn't do that did you so that's irrelevant. It was just a thought and you didn't follow through. So no I don't want to see it. Me: I didn't want to send it because you said you wanted me to leave you alone. See the position I'm in? It's like no matter what I do I lose with you. I even have material facts to prove that I'm being honest and you still don't want to see them. You just don't want to believe me. Her: Maybe you're right. Maybe I don't want to believe you (WHATTT???). ------ ME: I was sad from all of this that was going on between you and I. I wanted to get out and get my mind off things. Her: Yeah. You were soOoo depressed that you went out right ? (sarcastic). Me: Umm yeah most single people do that when they get heartbroken. This isn't anything new. Her: You just put yourself in stupid situations. You could have easily left when you saw she was there (now I wish I would have to avoid all of this). Me: Let me make sure I understand this. You left me because you said you wanted to be left ALONE. When I told you that I would be here, you replied with don't, I'm not a guarantee." which in the dating world means I don't want to be with you leave me alone. In my mind I figured you were never coming back really. I've been sad this whole week so I decided I'd go to a get-together where many of my friends (including some of your friends) were going to be and you're saying that I should've LEFT because a girl that I haven't done anything with was there? Her friend works with me so she's going to attend some of these things!! But yet I should have left? Her: Oh so you're saying that it was payback? Me: No. I'm saying that YOU LEFT ME. Had you not left maybe I wouldn't have been sad and maybe I wouldn't have gone to this thing in the FIRST PLACE!! The issue here is that you left. Don't you see it? ---- Me: You know you blame me for all that is wrong with our relationship. You never stop to see the part that you've played in it, like you leaving me all of those times. I mean, you can't do that X, you can't just play with someone's emotions. It creates instability and makes the relationship unhealthy. Her: I don't need to apologize for the things that I've done. Every time that I've left you I felt that it was warranted at the time and that's what I felt. I'm not apologetic for that. What about this past time that you got mad when I was just going to go eat with my buddies and I offered to take you out after and you straight sad no because "you were my 2nd plan?" You didn't even take the time to ask what time I'd be back. You just completely said no. I felt so messed up. I ended up finishing up at 7:30, ample time to have gone to pick you up. I'm not going to say sorry for that! That was your fault. And besides sometimes sorry doesn't mean anything. Sometimes actions mean more. Me : and sometimes the words do mean something and would help the situation. ------ Me: Look I really care about you. I'm tired of all of this. We've both been hurt by each other. Can we just start working towards a positive direction and both recognize that this is our intention so that we may be on the same page finally. I understand that things don't happen overnight and it takes time and we can take it slow. Can we? Her: I can't give you that Me: Okay Her: Bye god, I don't know what to do..I've been NC again since this conversation. It makes me upset as I'm typing because I feel like I'm reliving it. I still feel bad that she feels hurt though. But she doesn't care about me enough to keep herself from saying messed up things to me. Why do I care?? (frustrated) Ughh...i dont know why you care. Stop it? You both like to be enveloped in mass drama dont you. You both love this little chase around game. I think it will tire you out eventually, but for right now..you are secretly liking it because you just cant seem to get enough of this girl dumping your ass.
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