Am I a door mat or do I deserve this???

[richardcruz]

Here is the story of my breakup..it is unbiased and straightforward.

I'll refer to her as X in this story. I'm sorry that it's so long. Thanks for your time..

 

I have (had) been with my girlfriend for almost a year now I'm 29 she's 21. Big age gap I know. Throughout this time we have been through a total of 6 breakups including this recent one. She has dumped me five times; I left once. I always felt like I was the one chasing her around. The first time she left was because I called her "temperamental" because for some reason she started to act very distant the night after she had taken me to a nice dinner. It really happened all of a sudden and I felt like she was angry with no basis. When I asked her what was wrong she said nothing. We were parked. At that point, I put on my seatbelt and started up the car and told her that she was temperamental. She was infuriated and told me that she did not deserve this kind of disrespect and said that she saw the insult as a "red flag" early in the relationship. To be quite honest, I don't believe I have ever been insulted in more of an intelligent way such as the way I had insulted her by calling her temperamental. It baffled me that she reacted the way she did. She told me we should just be friends. A few days later I gave her a call and said I was sorry (although I didn't feel that an apology was due but I felt bad that I had hurt her). It took some work but she came back. The second time she dumped me was right before Valentine's Day. This time she said she wasn't feeling connected to me. This was not too long after the first breakup and she said that she made a mistake and we shouldn't be together. This weekend I went to a club and ran into a friend of mine that I had been interested in before my relationship. We exchanged numbers and started talking. Meanwhile, I was pursuing X (despite the fact that she dumped me) and told her that I wanted to meet up with her. That day I scheduled a "mini- vacation" for the two of us and we were back together (but not officially). I continued small talk with this girl because of the uncertainty of my relationship. This girl doesn't live too far from me. One day she's rollin' by with one of her cousins and happens to see me outside. She txts me "Is that you?" I respond yes. Her cousin drops her off at my house while she drops her other friend off. This was a bad idea and I should have ran inside the house. She was pretty drunk from a night of partying and really began to come on to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm attracted to her but I really wanted to work things out with X. I tell her that we can't do anything because I'm "seeing" someone. She begins to tell me that my seeing someone is irrelevant because I'm not "going out" with them, and starts to tell me that my rejection is even drawing her more to me.--Guys, It is absolutely no myth that if you completely reject someone, it has the opposite effect-- She begins to almost jump on me to kiss me, when I completely lift her off me and set her off to the side and tell her that I cannot do this. She leaves with a bruised ego. I jump on the phone and tell my X (even though were not "official" what just happened). She is definitely mad but is happy for my honesty. Two weeks later X and I are at a barbeque when the other girl txts me. X sees the txt and knows who she is because I told her name. She tells me never to speak to her again. I listen. From that point on I completely ignore this girl and the txts stop totally.

A few months later I begin to work really heavy hours (approx 65+). I come home completely tired and really don't feel like doing anything other than hanging out w X at home. She starts to say she feels like and old couple because we never do anything and she feels disconnected with me. I tell her that I need to put the extra hours and that It's not like I'm out drinking with the boys. This disconnection that she felt may have been my fault. You see, I had been on anti-dep primarily for a digestion issue for over 3 years and it has been killing my libido. She told me that I should probably get off them because I didn't need them. I started come off slowly by reducing my dosage. Not only was I tired from working a lot of hours, but I also was starting to get anxiety from cutting my meds so this might have also caused me even more so to want to stay home with her. Before I reduced my meds, I told her that I really needed her to be supportive of me because reducing my meds was really psychologically hard to do and that I would initially experience some anxiety and depression. Anyways X decides to leave a month after and says she doesn't feel connected. I told her that it was probably the result of me cutting and I really needed her support. She tells me that right now I need to focus on myself and take care of my health needs. This hurt me deeply because I felt that she was bailing when I was in the thick of it. A week later, I arrange a meeting with her again and we start talking. My guess was that I was complaining too much about my side effects and that it was kind of freaking her out. I decided not to say anything anymore about my side effects from the meds. It must have worked because we came back together. Many months passed and then breakup number four happened. I am heading to her house and I call to let her know I'm coming. She sounds like she's crying. I pull up and go to give her a kiss but she pulls away. I ask her what's wrong. She tells me that our relationship doesn't feel right and that she just doesn't see us being together for a long time. I am just baffled. This totally came from nowhere. I told her that I didn't understand were this whole thing was coming from and that we had just had an awesome week (trip to beach, wine tasting, movie nights etc.). She said that she just wasn't feeling it. I left and told her that I didn't understand why she would always breakup with me and that this one was the weirdest of all the other times. A few days after I tell her to come to my house and I make her breakfast. I decorate the table with nice flowers and I tell her that our relationship wasn't worth getting rid of. I told her that she is very special to me and that I don't want to lose her. We get back together a few days later.

Three weeks later however I really begin to internalize the fact that every time that we've broken up, I've been the one to go get her. It really starts to hurt and I wish I would've let her comeback because then maybe I wouldn't feel so insecure about our relationship. I really started to feel like I was the glue of everything that we had. I tell her that I need time to think about things and that I was older and that I was afraid that she would leave again out of the blue and that I needed to evaluate everything. I ask for time away and she says okay. This was very short-lived. I go back the next day and tell her that I was just worried that things would fall apart again and I didn't want to be heart broken again. We get back together. A month passes and she tells me the same thing; she doesn't think things are going to last and that she doesn't feel that we're right for each other. She tells me never to call her again. I go out with my friend and lo and behold I run into the other girl at a local spot. She tells me that she was mad at me for a very long time because I ignored her. She asks me if I'm single and I tell her yes. I told her that I was just getting out of my relationship. We exchange numbers. She informs me that she has a boyfriend so I don't expect anything to come out of it. We chit chat via phone and txts. The texts that are exchanged are flirtatious, but I figure "hey I just got dumped so I should try to get my mind off things. A week later I call X and tell her that I miss her. She says the same thing. She says she misses me terribly. We start talking again. She says she wants to start working things out but slowly, so we do. A few days pass and X sends me a txt that says "lets go somewhere right now." I want to but I can't because I am working. I tell her this and she says "you know what just don't talk to me anymore." Puzzled, I call her and ask her why she's being like this. She says she's not sure and that she's confused and that she's having a hard time with everything. She tells me not to leave her. I don't understand because no more than 20 minutes ago she told me to beat it. She tells me she doesn't know why she's being so irrational and maybe she needs to see a therapist. I feel bad for her because of this and I brush off her msg telling me to leave.

Two weeks pass and we go to Vegas for a few days after Christmas. I go to use the restroom and she searches through my phone. She finds the flirtatious txts. Admittedly, I tried to delete em' because I know she goes through my phone and didn't really think that it was important for her to read them. The oldest message was from three days ago. I didn't however delete my deleted folder. Understandably, she is irate. She tells me "**** you" which in all honesty no matter how mad I've been I have never told any girlfriend of mine those words, and believe me I've been through a lot of stuff. I tell her that the reason I stayed talking with her was that I wasn't sure how things were going to play out between her and me. I told her that I really loved her and that all I ever wanted was a stable relationship with her. I told her that I was deeply sorry about the texts but that I did not cheat on her. I also mentioned that I had not physically seen her since we exchanged numbers when we were broken up, and prior to that I had not spoken to her at all ever since she told me not to. I told her that it hurt me so bad every time she left because she dumped me and I was left wondering if she was ever going to come back. I told her that every time she left, I went after her because I deeply loved her and that because I was unsure of our status, I kept my contacts to people like this girl because once your single your going to have to network and keep you mind busy. It had only been a two weeks since we started talking again. She tells me that she too was hurt every time we broke up. I point out to her though that she was the one walking away from the relationship and that it's was different for me because I didn't know what she was thinking and that I felt hurt that she left me time and time again. She tells me I’m making excuses for the txts. After alot of back and forth, I tell her that I'm sincerely sorry and that I wouldn't talk to her again. I tell her that I really desired to be in a stable relationship with her and she says there is no way for her to assure me this in words. This is our second day in Vegas. Later on that night she initiates sex. We come back the following day. Everything is fine. All of a sudden she calls me and tells me to come over. I go and she has a picture of her. She tells me to identify her. I do. She tells me that she remembers the same pic being on my cell phone. This is true. This girl sent me this pic 6 months ago the first time that started talking after my second breakup. My X decides that this is just too much, compares me to her cheating ex and tells me to get out of her life. This was today. My x's friend is friends with this other girl so I'm guessing she the pic from her facebook. I told her that I hadn't cheated on her and that she should ask her friend to ask the other girl if anything had happened between her and I and that she would see the truth. She wasn't hearing it and told me to leave so I did.

 

Two years ago, I was dumped by a different ex girlfriend (it's probably still posted somewhere on this forum). It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I cried and cried and cried. I went into severe depression for 8 months. When I finally got over it, I swore to myself never to sit around and mope for someone who obviously didn't love me, as she had dumped me. However now that I've applied my past lessons, I feel that I've done the wrong thing?! I also want to add that it has not been an easy task every time I've tried to get her back. She would hang up on me, ignore my texts, and just be generally "messed up". It never got to the point of pestering, but she really didn't make it easy to initially talk to her.

 

My questions: Am I, despite being the older one, really the immature one for going back all those times? Should I have known better than to return? Was I in the wrong for keeping communication with the other girl two weeks after? Do all the breakup reasons seem justifiable? Is she just too young? Should I go after her again? How can I convince her that I'm telling the truth and that I hadn't cheated on her? Am I a doormat?

 

Please...any opinion or comment is greatly appreciated. Thank you sooooo much for your time.

[gaudi]

I have read your post carefully and it really seems like this relationship was a little all over the place if you don't mind me saying. A few years ago I had a relationship with a girl and there was a similar age gap, although what we had together was beautiful, during the relationship there was, like you guys, a lot of mini break-ups and such.

in most cases it was me going back to her' regardless of who was right ir wrong, it doesn't necessarily make me (or you) a "door-mat". I like to think of it more that I was fighting for something at the time, I believed in.

 

Anyway, the relationship ran it's course, she was heart-broken, but there really was no way back, she kept telling me how much she loved me, but it just pushed me away. Four or five months later, when she had moved on, inevitably it hit me, and I ended up exactly the same as she had been, (delayed grief?).

 

I guess what I'm trying to say mate is from my experience, it sounds like this relationship may have run it's course, there's been enough signs, might be best to walk away with your dignity intact, it may well hurt, but you will always have your memories...

 

Good luck mate.

[nobmagnet]

yep I agree. I believe you have invested enough of you enery on an unstable girl.

 

You dont appear to have any problems attracting new ladies so I would suggest you leave it. NC all the way. Im sorry you have experienced suck a rollercoaster with her but its time to get off and move forward to your future.

 

xx

[richardcruz]

Thank you for your time gaudi and nobmagnet. Your words are very meaningful to me. I apologize for making the post so long but I can't think of any other way to get my story across. Maybe Im just not a very effective writer? I'm not sure. Again thanks. Any other opinions are greatly appreciated.

[richardcruz]

I texted her today as I heard from a mutual friend of ours that she was saying that I cheated on her. I told to not spread false rumors of me to which she responded "f%$k you. stop making yourself look like the innocent one." This took me back. Again her just saying those two words to me made me feel like running away. I am afraid that I am being disrespected and that I am subjecting myself to it, then again I feel bad for my actions. I am still unsure if they were okay or if I was in the wrong for it, but it hurt her and for that I feel terrible. I'm almost on the verge of telling her that I am willing to submit to a polygraph just to prove to her that I haven't cheated on her. But then again, Is it worth doing for this for a girl that can tell me that she loves me yet turn around and tell me F#$k You?

[J dub]

women go through two distinct puberty's, if you will.

 

The first is a physical, somewhere in the 11-16ish range.

 

The second is the emotional. This is inevitably somewhere in the 23-27 year range where she has hammered down, got a full time job, started paying her own bills, and starts to realize what's important in life.

 

There are exceptions to every rule, but this is by far the most accurate observation...and it was not mine initially.

 

Anyway, my point is you met her during the time she is still in her first growth period. Thus includes lots of unnecessary drama.

 

Or, of course, she could be bi-polar. But we'll give her the benefit of the doubt for now. It's not you, seriously. Youre far better off with a WOMAN who is at your intellectual level.

[richardcruz]

JDUB thank you for your comment. At one point I was suspecting that she might be bipolar. Once i even brought it to her attention (in a nice way of course) that it was a bit abnormal for her to tell me to beat it one minute and the next minute (literally) tell me to stay. Because I suspected that It might be something like this, I felt bad and gave her some slack for some of the things she's done. She doesn't however seem to show any signs of mania (minor or major) which would indicate a disorder. It may be very well her age like you said. I don't know. Lord knows I'm not the epitome of the word sane but sometimes I can't find reason and logic behind her actions and hurtful words.

[callingyouuu]

My questions: Am I, despite being the older one, really the immature one for going back all those times? Should I have known better than to return? Was I in the wrong for keeping communication with the other girl two weeks after? Do all the breakup reasons seem justifiable? Is she just too young? Should I go after her again? How can I convince her that I'm telling the truth and that I hadn't cheated on her? Am I a doormat?

Lots of people might disagree, but whenever you truly care about someone, I don't think it's ever really a bad idea to give them another chance as long as you maintain your dignity. I think you've handled this roller coaster better than I ever could have. The breakup reasons aren't really anything more than her not being able to deal with the lulls in the relationship. She wants excitement all of the time, and that characteristic dies off only with maturity and time (J Dub's 2nd puberty). Essentially, yes, she's too young.

 

I don't think you were a doormat, because while you kept coming back to her, you don't hesitate to call her out on her BS. You're just really loyal. I really don't believe there is anything else you can say to her to prove that you haven't cheated. She just seems pretty hell bent on believing that you did. Only you can answer whether or not you should get back with her. I wouldn't, but if you're willing to put up with another go on her ride, then I would suggest letting her contact you first.

[Space Ritual]

I think you have given all that you can. and as has been said before, the relationship has run its course.

 

Your girl has more problems than a math book, so I suggest you simply go No Contact. You deserve a medal for sticking with her as long as you did, and it seems there is nothing more that you can do at this point. Especially if it has degraded to the extent that she is accusing you of cheating and affecting your relationships with any mutual friends. You display the quality of Loyalty that is very admirable and seems to be so rare in people these days.

 

2010 is upon us, I suggest you pick yourself off, dust yourself off. Go COMPLETE NC with this woman. There are plenty of women out there who will not take advantage of you and who would see you as a breath of fresh air to the cattle cars of players who inhabit this earth and poison the wells for the rest of us

Edited December 31, 2009 by Space Ritual
I spell like a 4th grader...I dind't say SMELL like a 4th grader lol

[richardcruz]

I should have listened to Space. It's going to be a New Year and I should take advantage of it. Instead I call her this morning. I told her that instead of arguing, we should see the mistakes that happened and move forward. I remind her that in no way I'm I trying to belittle the fact of the msgs that I sent (which I admit that they were wrong) but that they were only txt msgs. She believes me that I did not cheat on her now (which is a huge weight off my back whether we stick together or not..I am not a cheater) but she says that I had the intent to cheat. I remind her that this isn't true because I have only seen this girl 3 times since sept 08, and those times happened because she knows people within my circle. I also remind her that I hadn't seen her since we exchanged numbers when we were broken up. She still says that I have the intent to meet her even if I hadn't. I call her on this and tell her to just look at the facts and not her own theories. I tell her "what was I supposed to do when you broke up with me. I didn't know what you were thinking and whether you'd ever be back. Even then, when I was mad and heartbroken, I focused my attention on looking for you and faced your initial rejection. Even when you walked away from our relationship and left me to be single, nothing happened between her and I." To which she responds that I keep bringing up the multiple breakups because I'm trying to excuse myself. she then tells me that it's time for her to be selfish and focus on whats best for her. I tell her what if I had been selfish all the times when she left and just went on my own instead of looking for her? She responds "Well you weren't." She says she has to go so I let her go.

 

This whole conversation drives me crazzzyyy. I am not bringing up the breakups because they are an excuse. I began to keep contact with this girl because she left ME. SHE LEFT ME TO BE SINGLE!! SHE WAS THE ONE THAT WALKED AWAY!! It frustrates me to no end that she doesn't acknowledge this. I guess I got to let this one go and stop trying to be the glue of this thing..

[Space Ritual]

Oh man,

 

Listen...really delete this chick from your life. don't speak to her again. what the ***** does she know about "intent" other than it's her intent to have everything her way.

 

That crap you don't need. release her to her destiny(which most likely will be on Maury Povich at some point).

[kittenkit]

Reading through the posts, it just seems to me like she's been controlling you for a long time now. She's had you jumping through so many hoops you can't even tell that it's her that's in the wrong and not you, you're too busy wondering if you jumped correctly, or if you could maybe do it again, but better.

This is textbook manipulation- she distracts you with your own "failings" so that the focus is on you and then the focus is never on her and why she's behaved so appallingly. That's why she got do angry when you tried to discuss the multiple breakups- cos that's ACTUALLY a problem and it lies with her.

Get out. Get out. Get out. You'll never clear your head unless you get away from this girl to think without her confusing you.

Don't try and figure out if she's got a mental illness - it doesn't matter whether she's doing it conciously or not. She's going to really mess you up if you have anything more to do with her.

[singlegirl]

really the immature one for going back all those times? Should I have known better than to return? Was I in the wrong for keeping communication with the other girl two weeks after? Do all the breakup reasons seem justifiable? Is she just too young? Should I go after her again? How can I convince her that I'm telling the truth and that I hadn't cheated on her? Am I a doormat?

 

Please...any opinion or comment is greatly appreciated. Thank you sooooo much for your time.

 

OK, just my honest observations and opinions here

 

It reads to me that you were hedging your bets with your plan B Miss X...I would have hit the roof too and dumped you. You are toying with this girls mind and affection no matter how unstable she may appear. Your behaviour has I'm afraid fuelled that fire. You cheated on her emotionally by lining up her replacement even though it didn't lead to sex, what would you have done if the tables were turned...I would question why you want this girl around. if you had feelings for her then how real were they if youve got a plan B?

 

The age gap is just too wide at this stage, I have done that and more. You are trying to get an adult perspective from a 21 yr old girl...she needs what she needs right now because she's so young, just learning about life, love and sex. she doesn't have the emotional capacity to be sexually patient whilst your meds work....Not all 21 yr olds are the same but this girl is not emotionally mature

 

You are both playing a game which will only become more and more destructive and toxic. What are you getting out of it? is it the drama that's becoming addictive? maybe the sex is great or she's amazing looking but the question you must ask yourself is is it worth it?

[HLP234]

Reading through the posts, it just seems to me like she's been controlling you for a long time now. She's had you jumping through so many hoops you can't even tell that it's her that's in the wrong and not you, you're too busy wondering if you jumped correctly, or if you could maybe do it again, but better.

This is textbook manipulation- she distracts you with your own "failings" so that the focus is on you and then the focus is never on her and why she's behaved so appallingly. That's why she got do angry when you tried to discuss the multiple breakups- cos that's ACTUALLY a problem and it lies with her.

Get out. Get out. Get out. You'll never clear your head unless you get away from this girl to think without her confusing you.

Don't try and figure out if she's got a mental illness - it doesn't matter whether she's doing it conciously or not. She's going to really mess you up if you have anything more to do with her.

 

Im in a same situation with "break" and its the same exact manipulation. Every time we talk its putting the blame on me and not making herself seem like she is doing anything wrong. Always making herself look like the victim and accusing me on not wanting to wait, even after she's told me I don't have to wait if I don't want to.

 

She wants her cake and to eat it too. This can only go on so long. The worst part about this is you can't even confront them on this because they don't see it..the situation is in their favor and they will not realize they are doing anything wrong.

[richardcruz]

So my ex and I have been talking again. To no suprise, I was the one that was really pushing for it. Little by little I managed to ask her on a date and then another one. Next thing you know we are talking everyday. But things are not the same. I feel like I have to put this massive effort to get things moving. I have been the best person I can with her. One night she had to stay in to take care of her nephews and nieces so I went out to whole foods (which is a health conscious market found in so. cali) and prepared a basket that had a bottle of riesling, a dvd, a bunch of snacks, and a flower. I've been doing type of things but deep down inside I feel strange. It hurts me that I hurt her, but then a part of me knows that I haven't done anything wrong. I really care about her, so I try to put my feelings aside to attend to hers. It does bother me though. All the times she has left me in the past, she has never "made it up" to me. Possibly because I have never given her the chance and have always gone running back to her? I never received any special treatment when she hurt me. And here I am doing all of this. Something isn't right.

Anyways, this past Thursday comes along and I tell her I want to see her on Friday. She says she feels the same. "Okay" I tell her. "I'm just going to go out with the guys to grab something to eat and then I'll go pick you up. I'll be done early." She says no and that she doesn't want to be my 2nd plan. I was laughing at first because I thought she was joking..but she wasn't. I remind her that we weren't going to eat all night. She says that she still doesn't want to do anything. "So you don't want to see me today?" I ask her. "No" she replies. I remind her that there is nothing wrong with me making plans earlier in the day because it was going to occur really early and it wouldn't interfer with our night. I also remind her that she has done the samething on many occasions and that it was perfectly okay. She says that she informed me of her prior arrangements before asking me if I wanted to hang out. "Are you saying that I have to ask exactly like you?" I ask her. "You just don't get it." she responds. "I asked you in a different way." She then tells me she has to go and we hang up. I still don't get what the difference is. This was very frustrating because she didn't even ask what time I was going to get together with my friends. She just right away said no. I was trying to be courteous by informing her of my prior plan but instead I feel like I did something wrong. Well Friday comes and I have dinner, as planned, at 6pm. I talk to my friends about it and they tell me that it didn't make sense and that it was pretty messed up that she point blank told me that she didn't want to see me because of that. One of my friends tells me that I shouldn't call her since she was the one that didn't want to see me. I finish up dinner at 7:30pm and go home. Obviously the night was still young and I could have gone to pick her up if she had wanted to. She doesn't call me that night.

 

Saturday comes and no call. I decide to (as always) send her a txt message telling her that I was pretty sad and frustrated that she acted the way she did Thursday night. She argues her same point and I argue mine. It just baffles my mind because it just seems so obvious that its pretty messed up, or at least in my mind it seems messed up (you guys be the judge).

She calls me after a while and we both just drop it. I don't make any mention of it. Apart of me is happy to hear her voice, but deep inside i'm frustrated out of my mind with her. Sunday comes and I'm just coming back from the gym with take out food from the drive through when she (out of the blue) texts me and invites me to lunch. I tell her that I just got food, to which she answers "you don't have to eat it." I can't throw away good food. I let her know that i'd be happy to join her but it wouldn't be right to ditch my meal. She tells me that shes frustrated and remarks that this was the last time she'd invite me to eat (not obviously being serious but out of frustration).

Monday comes and we are talking on the phone. She all of a sudden tells me that she'll call me back. I find this quite unusual. I wait for 45 min and then text her w "what happened." An hour passes and again I text her "hey." Nothing. Midnight comes and she texts me saying that she went to a bar with her friends and that she is on her way back home. This really bothers me. I ask her why she just didn't tell me that she was going out with her friends. I also tell her that it was upsetting that she hadn't texted back. ---{{Now really quick on a side note..I know these things make me look like the jealous kind but I guess I do want to tell the story accurately with both mine and her faults. So I'm not going to try to change it. Normally this kind of thing wouldn't bother me, but this time it did because I'm over here trying to be as courteous as can be and kissing ass and she pulls crap like this! Imagine if I would've pulled something like this. She would have been infuriated!! I guess its the situation that's bringing this other side of me}}-------Anyways I call her on it. I tell her that I've always been respectful and courteous when I'm heading out on a night on the town w the guys, and that in the past, she has to. She responds "we'll thats you.. not me." I also point out to her that they way she was handling things wasn't helping the situation. She the replies "I don't have to tell you where, with who, or what I'm doing." She's right. We're technically not going out so she has a point. I do tell her however that we are taking things a day at a time and that I felt that we were working on hopefully going in a positive direction together. So the way she was acting was just making things more difficult. At which point she tells me that I perceived the whole thing wrong (despite the fact she kissed me on Sun.) and that we were supposedly just being amicable. She tells me that she can't see herself with me and that she feels dumb when she thinks of the texts I was sending. I tell her "how do you think I felt when you left me on thanksgiving day and I had to explain to my parents why you weren't coming to dinner." I tell her that I carry a lot of hurt from the things she has done and all the times she has left me yet I'm still willing to work things out. She tells me that she needs to be alone. I tell her its not what I want but I respect her decision and we hang up.

 

I feel like I messed things up between us. Maybe I shouldn't have pushed so hard but then again I didn't think it was right that she would get mad at me for things that weren't (IMO) really things at all to be upset about. Yet she would act out and say hurtful things without considering my feelings..

 

What do you people think?? Is it NC time now?

[HLP234]

If you had made plans to go pick her up after hanging out with your friends and she denied you just because you were meeting friends..I would of just left it at that. When she texted back, I would have no responded.

 

You have pushed it too hard and I believe its not going anywhere. I would just let her be and just move on man. You don't want to seem like you are begging for her back. She is doing this because she doesn't want to work it out obviously.

 

She wants to keep you around as a friend, hence the random texts to lunch and stuff. Why would she get mad that you had bought food when she invited you to lunch, if she says you perceived things wrong?

 

Obviously, you thought she would work things out with you but she saw a way to work around that and still have you tricked. Just go no contact and don't bother next time unless she comes to you asking to talk things out.

 

If she doesn't do that and just texts you when she wants, she is just using you appropriately when she feels the need to be around you. In this case, you are the 2nd choice.

 

If she would have told me that she wanted to be alone after all of that, I would just say goodbye and ask her to leave me alone as well.

 

Don't keep pushing anywhere because it will just hurt you more later. I would not even have bothered with her if she had left you in the first place.

[richardcruz]

Thanks for your response HLP. I suppose this is day one of NC. Deep down I feel like I will lose her for good if I don't pursue her, as I have all of the other times that she left me. Then again, maybe that's what needs to happen. Maybe I've just been prolonging the inevitable. The longer that I don't talk to her, the further and further its feels that's she's gone away. Some how in my head I've begun to believe that the reason she has stayed all these times is because I've gone back for her. At the same time in my crazy tornado of feelings, I also feel upset that became the "glue" in our relationship and found myself bending over backwards for her in order to make this thing work.. It should feel good to get out of this relationship...but it doesn't. I really cared for her.

 

Sometimes I'm not sure though if its the relationship that I miss or is it the dating scene that I'm dreading. One, or a combination of both makes me want to stay in this relationship at times. There isn't a better feeling than having someone in your life that knows you down the intriquite details. Just thinking of having to go through the actions and motions of meeting someone else just makes me feel like giving up on all of it. I'll be 30 soon and I'm just so tired of it.

[HLP234]

I know how you feel, and 30, you are still young. I don't want to go back into dating either because I never imagined my ex would hurt me like she did.

 

I just don't feel like I can be as open and close to someone else as I was with her..but no point because it does not look like she will be coming back since she is with someone new.

 

Sometimes moving on is the only thing to do and hope they realize later they messed up something good. That is all I hope she realizes because even if she doesn't feel bad about what she did, it surely devastated me.

 

Its always hard when you try and try and seem to get nowhere when the other person has left you or is just keeping you close for their benefit. If they can be selfish, why shouldn't we as well??

 

The pain doesn't go away easily and its something you have to deal with for a while, at least until you meet someone else. By doing the NC, you will realize with time that even if you were to get back together, would you really be with someone that left you before? The trust level is not the same.

 

Keep posting on here and it will help when you think about her. I post so much on here because I have relapses thinking about her. I won't contact her for sure because what she did was ignorant and not right, so technically I have nothing to say. But there are a lot of people on LS that have been in similar situations and are here to help one another.

[Space Ritual]

Thanks for your response HLP. I suppose this is day one of NC. Deep down I feel like I will lose her for good if I don't pursue her, as I have all of the other times that she left me. Then again, maybe that's what needs to happen. Maybe I've just been prolonging the inevitable. The longer that I don't talk to her, the further and further its feels that's she's gone away. Some how in my head I've begun to believe that the reason she has stayed all these times is because I've gone back for her. At the same time in my crazy tornado of feelings, I also feel upset that became the "glue" in our relationship and found myself bending over backwards for her in order to make this thing work.. It should feel good to get out of this relationship...but it doesn't. I really cared for her.

 

Sometimes I'm not sure though if its the relationship that I miss or is it the dating scene that I'm dreading. One, or a combination of both makes me want to stay in this relationship at times. There isn't a better feeling than having someone in your life that knows you down the intriquite details. Just thinking of having to go through the actions and motions of meeting someone else just makes me feel like giving up on all of it. I'll be 30 soon and I'm just so tired of it.

 

 

richard, as hard as this is she does not give a damn about you or your feelings.

 

Do not contact her...dump her. She is a lost cause. She will keep up with the Drama and shenanigans because she has seen to many Lifetime Movies of the Week and believes them to be as real as professional wrestling.

 

If you are to pick anything up for her at the store in the future it is the newest model broomstick and a tall black hat and green paint. Your ex is simply a witch who may or may not release the flying monkeys when you go NC...so be careful when the skies darken...lol

 

 

Dont feel bad about not listening to me the first time. Believe me I know that the NC may take a few attempts. And once again, you seem a right and good man. You however seem to think life is over at 30.

 

It hasn't even started. And it will get better. Hey the only thing you are guilty of is loving someone. You never know what you will find out there. There really is a lot of fish in the sea.

 

I am turning 45 next month and my current FWB is 23, so ya never know!!! So you being only 30 you got a leg up on me!!!

[richardcruz]

she has seen to many Lifetime Movies of the Week and believes them to be as real as professional wrestling.

 

If you are to pick anything up for her at the store in the future it is the newest model broomstick and a tall black hat and green paint. Your ex is simply a witch who may or may not release the flying monkeys when you go NC...so be careful when the skies darken...lol

 

Lol thank you Space for the twist of humor in your post. It gave me a good laugh..something that hasn't happened alot lately with my situation and all. In all seriousness though, you are right. This is day 2 of NC so I have a ways to go. It's really hard when the old memories start surfacing. I guess I just need to remember the things that she said to me and the txt messages that she sent that were hurtful.

[GrayClouds]

Ok first stick to NC

 

Second stop about her and start focusing on yourself. Is she crazy, who cares. What is importantly, why would you put up with that, what make you feel like being treated like that is what love is about? This is what you need to try to understand. To understand it will help you keep from repeating the pattern of find another crazy chick to cure. Teh good thing that comes out of break-up is we can grow as people, use this break-up for you.

[Silver_star]

Its hard to feel bad for someone who craves drama in their life. You do, and to answer your question. Yes you are a doormat.

[richardcruz]

Its hard to feel bad for someone who craves drama in their life. You do, and to answer your question. Yes you are a doormat.

Silver: Thank you for your honest opinion. You are right. I have been a doormat and it's time to change that. Gray hit it on the money when he/she said that i need to ask myself why I have put up with this nonsense in my life. It might be that I have developed low self esteem and as a result I submit myself to this kind of treatment. I'm not sure. But as Grey recommended, it's time to do some soul searching. I definitely consider myself a loyal person and will try to stick it out with someone through the rough times. But even loyality has it's limitations. Especially when the other party isn't putting in the effort to positively contribute to the situation.

Sometimes, we get mixed up in the thick of things and it becomes hard for us to percieve the relationship for what it is without injecting our personal feelings . That's why many of us turn to forums like LS so that we can tell our stories and obtain unbiased advice. In other words, I'm not here for people to "feel sorry for me," Rather, I am here posting on LS to obtain your honest assessment of my situation, which all of you have given me, and it's greatly appreciated.

[HLP234]

When we get so involved and caring for someone, we all tend to forget who we were before, and become somewhat of a doormat. But this is a lesson that is taught the hard way. You will just have to learn from this, forget her and always put yourself first when finding someone else.

 

Look for the same behavior you experienced with this girl and if you notice anything, than you know what to do.

 

NC will be hard, I've been at it for over a month now and every day its like starting from day one. Do as much as you can to keep your mind off but be prepared if feelings come back and you just have to try your hardest to ignore them.

 

Think of it this way, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't know what they want, or is unstable like this. Let them be and go about their life. I learned this from my ex and as much as I still love her, I can't do anything to fix it because she left me, was her choice.

[GrayClouds]

Silver: Thank you for your honest opinion. You are right. I have been a doormat and it's time to change that. Gray hit it on the money when he/she said that i need to ask myself why I have put up with this nonsense in my life. It might be that I have developed low self esteem and as a result I submit myself to this kind of treatment. I'm not sure. But as Grey recommended, it's time to do some soul searching. I definitely consider myself a loyal person and will try to stick it out with someone through the rough times. But even loyality has it's limitations. Especially when the other party isn't putting in the effort to positively contribute to the situation.

Sometimes, we get mixed up in the thick of things and it becomes hard for us to percieve the relationship for what it is without injecting our personal feelings . That's why many of us turn to forums like LS so that we can tell our stories and obtain unbiased advice. In other words, I'm not here for people to "feel sorry for me," Rather, I am here posting on LS to obtain your honest assessment of my situation, which all of you have given me, and it's greatly appreciated.

 

It takes real courage to look at yourself honestly, you should be proud of that. But be kind to yourself in the process, it not about beating yourself up but grow as a person.

 

Try to find a copy of "No More Mr Nice Guy". Take it with a grain of salt but it may give you some insight or atleast help you from repeating patterns. Often we are just mirroring examples of relationship we saw growing up. And it is not always about low self esteem it is about over estimation of our abilities. It is a strength that we lean to hard on.

 

Remember it is not about the person you were but the person you are becoming. And it obvious you making great frist steps to being that person.

Edited January 14, 2010 by GrayClouds