Zeegagge Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 I’m losing my mind. I’m going crazy. Some days I feel better. I’m so up and down. Right now, I am down. I could’ve pulled her back. I pulled her back before. Her behavior made me not want to. Now I feel like I should have used everything in my power to keep her. It would have been delaying the inevitable. She’s gone now. Light years away. We lay in the bed and watch TV like we used to. Not one ounce of feelings for me does she exhibit. Not even a gram. Not even a microscopic dot on a microscopic dot. She thinks I’m taking this well. She tells me how cool I’ve been about everything. I have her fooled. I think I’m strong. I tell myself I can handle it. I prepare myself for what might happen next. When it happens I come crashing down again. I’m losing my mind. It takes every bit of strength I have in myself to deal with my situation and I’m running out. I want to fall on the floor crying but my tears have run dry. I want to scream. I want to break things. I want to lock myself in a closet. I don’t want her back. I want something. I want something new and better. I’m not ready. She was the best I ever had and the best I ever will have. She was wrong for me. I was wrong for her. It was beautiful. It was amazing. It’s over. Forever. I want to run far away from here but I can’t run far enough. I could run from ocean to ocean but I can’t run away from myself. If anguish were energy I could fly, but only far enough to crash. I reach out, not to her, but to myself. No hand grabs back. No hand desires the touch of remorse and loathing. I know my way through this dark cavern yet I take every wrong turn. When I am lost in the dark I know where I stand. When I am discovered in the light everyone knows where I stand. I want to not feel. Link to post Share on other sites
CentralJersey Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 I know how you feel...just hang in there. You need to realize that things do get better with time...while I'm with you on the feelings, I truly believe that things will be better... Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyDaze Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Please,please...hang in there. You know we have discussed things before and even though I love to help my fellow LS friends, I feel like you every now & again. Your strength is coming from you walking tall right through the grief. Wake up tomorrow and look in the mirror and say, "I got over another day." and be proud. Tonight, I plan to make me a tostada dinner then settle in for a couple of comedy movies to enjoy. I may call one of my close friends or mom tomorrow, but tonight I want to show this grief what I am made of. Don't let this grief get to you. You WILL be loved again. But first you must walk this path...no shortcuts. Link to post Share on other sites
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