hoping2heal Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 EXACTLY! You said it perfectly. The BF always says that's what he likes about me. That I have my own life, friends, interests, but I want nothing more than to include him in it, and also be apart of his life. Your H is very lucky! Of course he enjoys that you have you independence. It's a very attractive and refreshing trait! However, if you can sit here and say you want nothing more than to include him "in it" then you still aren't understanding where your man is coming from, you are not being empathetic to his feelings. Right now it's crucial if you want to persue this relationship to take the time out to understand him otherwise you will most likely end up with resentment. Right now, it seems like you're already feeling that way just a tad- feeling like "Well, other women have men who " ". " It's one thing to be secure, it's quite another to of been unemployed for an entire year, and have your lady pay for everything. I'm willing to put a crisp 20 on it than anyone other than a moocher/leech who takes advantage of the situation, would have a problem with that; no matter HOW secure he is regardless. People still need their individual pride, it's essential. This isn't just about your man being secure or wanting or not wanting, it's about pride; pride in himself, pride that he's giving you something to be proud of. It's a little difficult to feel that way when your lady is taking care of you vs. the other way around.
J dub Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Male insecurities can be funny things, funny as in odd, rather than humorous. I look at my first marriage and his reason for cheating was supposedly that I didn't need him for anything, including financial security, where most women look to their partners for financial security or other forms of support, like strength. While this was true, if I didn't want to be with him, would I have married him? Need to me, means you don't have a choice and you're looking to your mate to compensate for what you don't have. Want is the desire to be with someone, because you love them. Where the insecurity comes into play, is that he never believed he "had" me, where that was about as far from the truth, as you could get. I thank everything I hold dear, that I found my second husband, a man who's incredibly secure about his manhood, where he's not threatened by my not needing him but wanting to be with him, enough to spend the rest of my life with him. Alphamale and the above are SO CORRECT. My bf tells me all the time how much he likes to feel "needed", men need a "job" to do in the grand scheme of life, too. If you do all the providing for him, he cannot hunt and do his manly stuff. You are emasculating him.
Author bluewolf17 Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Thanks everyone! I brought it up last night and we were able to talk about it and work it out. It's so nice to be able to get some perspective here .
H1N1 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Let me make this perfectly clear - LISTEN TO ALPHA - DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKES I MADE!!!!! My ex lost his job 5 years ago. He entered what he called the entrepreneurial stage of his life., so I stepped in and started paying for the "extras" in life. Vacations, dinners out even dinners in (I would stock both of our houses with wine and beer and certain staples). I always told him that when he made it big - I was retiring and he could pay ALL my bills. Well a month ago he told me every time I open my wallet, I'm cutting off his balls. The relationship is over and I'm completely heart broken. Oh Great, he tells you this a few years after you've started doing this. I think the reason your man dumped you is because he feels like he (and life) have been cutting his balls off gradually...you just made the final cut by emasculating him, but the whole situation is in his head. Don't own this. I'll speak from the perspective of a guy who's actually "mooching" off of his partner. I recently completed school and entered the job market, but it took me a while to get full-time employment and even now the situation is not entirely stable. It could be a year before I finally find the long-term opportunity I'm really looking for, but it will happen at some point. My partner pays for me (not everything but she does pay a lot). I personally have no problem with it, because I know that in the long run, I am going to pitch in my fair share. My only concern is that she knows that as well and doesn't come to the conclusion that I'm just bumming around. We communicate about things like this, and we try to understand each other's position. I would advise two things: 1. As Alpha said, be frugal. The best way to avoid these situations is to minimize the number of times they come up. Be frugal and watch what you spend. I think that if you want to spend on yourself, that's fair game, but anything that involves the two of you together (trips, nights, etc) just be careful about what you spend. That shouldn't mean that you can't go out and have fun, just find less expensive ways to do it. 2. Respect his wishes. If he doesn't want you to pay, then don't. Let him protect his own ego. But you might also just want to throw in that you don't see him as mooch or anything less than masculine. Tell him that you just don't make the connection between money and masculinity that some people do.
gypsy_nicky Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Thanks everyone! I brought it up last night and we were able to talk about it and work it out. It's so nice to be able to get some perspective here . in what way have you worked things out?
Author bluewolf17 Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 in what way have you worked things out? by talking it out, then getting nasty. What other way is there?
Els Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Amazing. Men will come in here and whine all day about having to pay for dates with women. Then a woman steps up to pay for things when her man is down, and she's cutting off his balls. And y'all say men can't win! And... there are men who whine all day about women not wanting to date poor men, but those same men insist that a woman who makes more than the man should not 'cut off his balls' by paying. So what's a rich woman with a poor man to do? Give up doing everything that she enjoys and can afford just because she shouldn't have to pay for him in any way? By that logic, why the hell would anyone want to date men poorer than themselves, then?
Ruby Slippers Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 And... there are men who whine all day about women not wanting to date poor men, but those same men insist that a woman who makes more than the man should not 'cut off his balls' by paying. So what's a rich woman with a poor man to do? Give up doing everything that she enjoys and can afford just because she shouldn't have to pay for him in any way? By that logic, why the hell would anyone want to date men poorer than themselves, then? Exactly. This is why many women, including myself, shy away from dating men who earn less than we do. Most men simply cannot handle being with a woman who earns more, and it causes friction (and not the good kind ) in the relationship.
gypsy_nicky Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Not hijacking just commenting. This thread is out of the norm. Its usually if women are of a higher status she won't date down and will always date up.
Recommended Posts