bluewolf17 Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I make significantly more than my partner. I don't have a problem with that, and in the past, he hasn't seemed to care. He has been unemployed for a year now, but is enrolled in school full time. I am also in school full time. I have noticed lately his hesistance with money. Like if I offer to pay for something, or do to somthing, he would prefer either he pays, we split the cost, or we do somthing cheaper. For example, he gave me a sweet yet modest Christmas gift. He has always been very good in this department. I am not so creative, so I bought him (well us) a trip to San Fransisco. I knew he wanted to check out UC Berkley, and we could spend 5 days sightseeing. He didn't seem happy about it..he told me it was too much?? Sometimes I worry that if both partners don't make the same amount, (or if the woman makes more) it could cause problems. I have asked him about it, and he says he just feels like less of a man when I pay for things...but I want to! And I like to..I don't want this to become a bigger problem. I worry that if he won't let me offer to pay for anything, then a lot of the time we arent' able to do fun things (like take trips, see movies, etc). I worry it will effect our otherwise good relationship.. Can LS give me advice or tips?
threebyfate Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 bluewolf, I would roll over for him, if you value this relationship. You've got a great guy, who's unwilling to be a sponge. Much respect to him!
alphamale Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Can LS give me advice or tips? yes, you should be a bit more frugal while your man is unemployed.
Buckeye Candy Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Both of your positions are understandable. Perhaps, you can compromise somehow? Tell him it is important to you to do activities together that you find fun and you can afford for you both and see if he'll compromise like you pay for the annual vacation, he pays for the dinner and movie dates throughout the year? The vaca is whatever you can afford, the dinner dates are whatever he can afford.
Author bluewolf17 Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 yes, you should be a bit more frugal while your man is unemployed. That's true. I know he has adjusted to his reduced income. Like when he was making double what I make, he spoiled me rotten. Now that I am the "bread winner", I want to still do nice things for him..and he won't let me! It's frustrating. I guess I don't understand it because I'm not a man, but I "get it".
alphamale Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 That's true. I know he has adjusted to his reduced income. Like when he was making double what I make, he spoiled me rotten. Now that I am the "bread winner", I want to still do nice things for him..and he won't let me! It's frustrating. I guess I don't understand it because I'm not a man, but I "get it". if youre going to keep spending like that then you may as well cut off his testicles too
threebyfate Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 bluewolf, did you explain to him that it's payback time? If you do it that way, he might understand your motivation better.
Vertex Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 bluewolf, did you explain to him that it's payback time? If you do it that way, he might understand your motivation better. Seconded -- this is probably your best bet right now.
alphamale Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 bluewolf, did you explain to him that it's payback time? If you do it that way, he might understand your motivation better. thats not the way the male psyche works
threebyfate Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Seconded -- this is probably your best bet right now.It's a potential compromise between the things she wants to do, and what his pride can handle. Worse case scenario, he says no and they're back to the same spot as they were previously, except that she will have to roll over, instead. Personally, I don't see a problem with rolling over, both saving a nest egg for worse economic times. If she gets bored, then assert herself and splurge, here and there.
Mary3 Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 if youre going to keep spending like that then you may as well cut off his testicles too Listen to Alpha. As usual short but sweet responses that are always ( almost always ) Dead On Correct ! I believe that a man equates most of his self worth to his ability to earn a living. I would not be surprised if your bf has suffered some depression and loss of interest in things... Even as a women who is going through what he is right now, you instinctually and naturally cut back. You think about every purchase you make when you are Unemployed. No-one can continue to spend the way they did. As a matter of fact , everyone has cut back , employed or not. For the record , you are very generous , you bf sounds like a Prince and it was nice of you to offer SF but right now he is going to be sensitive to money issues....
curiousnycgirl Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Let me make this perfectly clear - LISTEN TO ALPHA - DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKES I MADE!!!!! My ex lost his job 5 years ago. He entered what he called the entrepreneurial stage of his life., so I stepped in and started paying for the "extras" in life. Vacations, dinners out even dinners in (I would stock both of our houses with wine and beer and certain staples). I always told him that when he made it big - I was retiring and he could pay ALL my bills. Well a month ago he told me every time I open my wallet, I'm cutting off his balls. The relationship is over and I'm completely heart broken. Cudos to your guy for discussing his discomfort with you and cudos to you for pyaimg attention and coming here. Don't mess up what seems to be a good thing. Good luck to you guys.
hoping2heal Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I make significantly more than my partner. I don't have a problem with that, and in the past, he hasn't seemed to care. He has been unemployed for a year now, but is enrolled in school full time. I am also in school full time. I have noticed lately his hesistance with money. Like if I offer to pay for something, or do to somthing, he would prefer either he pays, we split the cost, or we do somthing cheaper. For example, he gave me a sweet yet modest Christmas gift. He has always been very good in this department. I am not so creative, so I bought him (well us) a trip to San Fransisco. I knew he wanted to check out UC Berkley, and we could spend 5 days sightseeing. He didn't seem happy about it..he told me it was too much?? Sometimes I worry that if both partners don't make the same amount, (or if the woman makes more) it could cause problems. I have asked him about it, and he says he just feels like less of a man when I pay for things...but I want to! And I like to..I don't want this to become a bigger problem. I worry that if he won't let me offer to pay for anything, then a lot of the time we arent' able to do fun things (like take trips, see movies, etc). I worry it will effect our otherwise good relationship.. Can LS give me advice or tips? He is a man who has been unemployed for an entire year; i.e BIG blow to one's self esteem. Instead of succeeding and being able to take the woman he loves on vacation for Christmas? She, has to pay to take his unemployed ass. I'm saying that from HIS likely point of view; A man needs to feel like a man and being unemployed for a year? Even though a lot of people are laid off right now, not making a paycheck makes you feel a lot of negative things about yourself as a person. Inadequate, lazy, failure, etc etc etc. Right now he is dealing with major blows to his self esteem and you aren't making them any better. I know you aren't AWARE of what you are doing, but now you should be. Do you love him? Trips can wait, they aren't going anywhere. Wait until he does get employment and can pitch in. You don't have to miss out on going to the movies, etc. Spend time with your girlfriends. In the meantime there are plenty of fun FREE things to do as a couple. Volunteer at an animal shelter, Get involved in some community outreach together, go hiking, have picnics, visit open-to-public museums/galleries/exhibits. Join walk relays for good causes together. If you get creative and do a little homework- there are plenty of free and low cost things you can do together. He still needs to feel like a man, and what you are doing is emasculating him. It won't work, your relationship won't work. Let the man get back on his feet and then you two can start planning trips and all those other things that you think are the only "fun" options you two have.
Author bluewolf17 Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 Thanks for all the great advice!! I guess it's hard to understand how closely his pride might be tied in with his income..I always thought we were equals in that department, but it's appearant that he's just a normal guy who doesn't like his lady paying for things. And I do plan things with him that are cheap. We do lots of things around town that are fun and inexpensive. It just sucks that we can't do certain things..like we were invited to Vegas (my friends and I go every spring) and of course he won't let me pay for him to go.. But no problems I guess. We can always go together another time.
hoping2heal Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Thanks for all the great advice!! I guess it's hard to understand how closely his pride might be tied in with his income..I always thought we were equals in that department, but it's appearant that he's just a normal guy who doesn't like his lady paying for things. Yes, you ARE equals and when you pay for everything, especially lavish gifts like trips; where's the equality? There is none. You have all the money, he in unemployed. He cannot equally contribute to the RS. It threw me off that you said it was hard to understand how closely his pride might be tied in with his income..umm since the dawn on man (uh, litterally) the man "took care" of the womens basic needs of shelter,food, etc. As the generations progressed the man furnished for other things for the woman. This has been a social trend since the caveman. And I do plan things with him that are cheap. We do lots of things around town that are fun and inexpensive. It just sucks that we can't do certain things..like we were invited to Vegas (my friends and I go every spring) and of course he won't let me pay for him to go.. But no problems I guess. We can always go together another time. Well, I could be wrong but I think deep down you feel kind of disheartened about that. Vegas isn't going anywhere. Trips and travelling and doing things with your friends that they "All get to do" is fun, I know but it's also superficial fun. Don't get too down about this, you two will have money again at least you have someone special in your life who ISN'T using you and is sticking to his principles. The fact that he has pride to begin with shows he really wants to impress you and he cares a lot about you that he won't take advantage of the situation.
lecasanova Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 you shouldn't worry too much! go dutch if you have to! i myself feel less of a man when a girl wants to pay for me, it's against our natural tendencies to see ourselves as sole bread winners to give in like that, heh.
threebyfate Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 One thing to consider bluewolf. If this is about being a man and how he defines himself, if this becomes more serious, into the realm of engagement and marriage, do you want to be the traditional wife?
Ruby Slippers Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Amazing. Men will come in here and whine all day about having to pay for dates with women. Then a woman steps up to pay for things when her man is down, and she's cutting off his balls. And y'all say men can't win!
Author bluewolf17 Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 One thing to consider bluewolf. If this is about being a man and how he defines himself, if this becomes more serious, into the realm of engagement and marriage, do you want to be the traditional wife? Define traditional wife. Do I want to stay home with a baby while he works and fix his martini for when he gets home? F no. But that's another thread . Him and I have actually already discussed what our home life would be like and we agree in that department. But your right in that it's very important to know.
Author bluewolf17 Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 Yes, you ARE equals and when you pay for everything, especially lavish gifts like trips; where's the equality? There is none. You have all the money, he in unemployed. He cannot equally contribute to the RS. It threw me off that you said it was hard to understand how closely his pride might be tied in with his income..umm since the dawn on man (uh, litterally) the man "took care" of the womens basic needs of shelter,food, etc. As the generations progressed the man furnished for other things for the woman. This has been a social trend since the caveman. Well, I could be wrong but I think deep down you feel kind of disheartened about that. Vegas isn't going anywhere. Trips and travelling and doing things with your friends that they "All get to do" is fun, I know but it's also superficial fun. Don't get too down about this, you two will have money again at least you have someone special in your life who ISN'T using you and is sticking to his principles. The fact that he has pride to begin with shows he really wants to impress you and he cares a lot about you that he won't take advantage of the situation.[/quote Hmmm. Your post is interesting. Thanks for your opinion. And yes, I do understand the caveman concept. That also, is another thread I would love to get into . And I don't find my trips with my friends are superficial..so I am going to go ahead and not be offended by that statement and let it ruin the other wise pretty solid input here. Thanks!
EnglishMuffin Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 For example, he gave me a sweet yet modest Christmas gift. He has always been very good in this department. I am not so creative, so I bought him (well us) a trip to San Fransisco. I knew he wanted to check out UC Berkley, and we could spend 5 days sightseeing. He didn't seem happy about it..he told me it was too much?? It is an off-topic, but checking out graduate programs in advance usually saves a lot of time & investment especially when the program turns out to be not exactly what you have in mind. The same rule applies to top schools. He can take you somewhere else as a payback when he can afford it. It is more of a strategic investment. He may have had an easier time accepting it if he saw it in this way.
Author bluewolf17 Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 It is an off-topic, but checking out graduate programs in advance usually saves a lot of time & investment especially when the program turns out to be not exactly what you have in mind. The same rule applies to top schools. He can take you somewhere else as a payback when he can afford it. It is more of a strategic investment. He may have had an easier time accepting it if he saw it in this way. Good Point. Thank you!~
threebyfate Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Define traditional wife. Do I want to stay home with a baby while he works and fix his martini for when he gets home? F no. But that's another thread . Him and I have actually already discussed what our home life would be like and we agree in that department. But your right in that it's very important to know.Male insecurities can be funny things, funny as in odd, rather than humorous. I look at my first marriage and his reason for cheating was supposedly that I didn't need him for anything, including financial security, where most women look to their partners for financial security or other forms of support, like strength. While this was true, if I didn't want to be with him, would I have married him? Need to me, means you don't have a choice and you're looking to your mate to compensate for what you don't have. Want is the desire to be with someone, because you love them. Where the insecurity comes into play, is that he never believed he "had" me, where that was about as far from the truth, as you could get. I thank everything I hold dear, that I found my second husband, a man who's incredibly secure about his manhood, where he's not threatened by my not needing him but wanting to be with him, enough to spend the rest of my life with him.
Author bluewolf17 Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 Male insecurities can be funny things, funny as in odd, rather than humorous. I look at my first marriage and his reason for cheating was supposedly that I didn't need him for anything, including financial security, where most women look to their partners for financial security or other forms of support, like strength. While this was true, if I didn't want to be with him, would I have married him? Need to me, means you don't have a choice and you're looking to your mate to compensate for what you don't have. Want is the desire to be with someone, because you love them. Where the insecurity comes into play, is that he never believed he "had" me, where that was about as far from the truth, as you could get. I thank everything I hold dear, that I found my second husband, a man who's incredibly secure about his manhood, where he's not threatened by my not needing him but wanting to be with him, enough to spend the rest of my life with him. EXACTLY! You said it perfectly. The BF always says that's what he likes about me. That I have my own life, friends, interests, but I want nothing more than to include him in it, and also be apart of his life. Your H is very lucky!
hoping2heal Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 And I don't find my trips with my friends are superficial..so I am going to go ahead and not be offended by that statement and let it ruin the other wise pretty solid input here. Thanks! I think you misunderstood me. When I say superficial, I mean it is not worth the cost of a relationship. People think superficial is always a negative thing; it's not it only implies a certain value and just because that value is not huge compared to the hearty things in life, doesn't mean it doesn't serve it's purpose and bring us happiness; it just isn't worth the sacrifice of more valuable things in our life; like someone we love. While the time with friends is invaluable, my point is trips, etc. in that sense are "superficial" Well, I don't know if I explained that more clearly or not.
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