soul searching Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Here's my story... H started behaving strangely (disrespectful to our marriage) back in September. No explanation at first, just starting "going out" and sometimes even staying out... reconnecting with friends he had when he was single before he knew me (I used to live up north somewhere when we met). He doesn't like to tell me where he is going and when he is coming home (something I believe is common courtesy when you're married...) Then, I suggest that we need to seek some counseling to help us resolve our issues. THrough counseling it comes out that he feels i have been neglecting him and his needs/concerns for about 3 YEARS!!! not sure why it took that long to come out. He is so angry and resentful that there is no intimacy or closeness between us anymore. We live as roommates. After about 6 weeks of couples' counseling, he decides "I don't think I want to do this anymore." So, then the counselor suggests that I do about 4 weeks of individual counseling and then we can come back together and see where we are. H agrees to this, but says "I think the counseling will be good for her, but I'm not sure that it will help us." After only about 2-3 weeks of individual, my counselor (different from the couples' one) says she thinks I have had enough of the "limbo land." H needs to make a decision - in or out - and stop stringing me along and giving me hope (I love yous, etc.) Then, I find out that he is leaving for Christmas to spend time with his family and to use the time and space to figure out what he wants... He comes home tonight, and tomorrow night we meet with both counselors (probably for the last time...) Oh, one more thing, as I mentioned in another post, I found a pic of him holding hands with another woman posted ON THE INTERNET! So, any advice on how to be strong when he comes home, and when we go to our counseling tomorrow?
2.50 a gallon Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Sorry, I can't think of much to say, other than to breathe slowly. There is no magic bullet. Try to remind yourself that there are better days in the future. I got blind sided so I was unprepared. It took a day or two before sanity returned, and then I did my best to look down the road to a better day. I wish I could say that I tried to remind myself that I had found love one and therefore I could find it again. I am of a different cut, and reminded myself that the world was full of beautiful woman and I couldn't wait to get back to dating them. And yes there are better days in the future, breaking up with my XW was the third best thing that has ever happened to me. The first was being born and the second was meeting my present GF. There is love in this world and you will find it again, and it will be far better than anything you have ever experienced.
Author soul searching Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 Thanks for the kind words. I am trying to stay focused on the future beyond this, but I'm scared... don't really know what is in store through the D process. Somehow I thought this would be easier if I knew there were someone else, but it isn't. I keep wondering what I could have done before it got to this point. It feels pathetic sometimes.
nobmagnet Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 he sounds like he has emotionally detatched from you for some time.....september or before. Hate to say this but there is probably someone in the background. It stinks of an affairre. You found a picture?? where was it posted? He seems to have been re writting relationship history to justify his leaving. Preparing you. Making you feel its your fault. If you can......if your strong enough try to be a detective and find evindence off an affaire. keep strong. keep posting xx
Author soul searching Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 The evidence was posted on his parrothead club website... What an idiot! For all to see. He denied it when confronted with it in our counseling session tonight. Seemed confused... "Oh we are all always taking pics hugging, etc." He was in the background of 2 photos with another woman -holding hands, his hand on her back with leg behind her bar stool... all suggesting intimacy. He still says there isn't anyone else. Well, it doesn't matter anymore now. We decided tonight that we are through. He doesn't want to be married anymore... and never was willing to actually work on it anyway. I believe, as you said, he has been planning this all along since September. Emotionally divesting long before that - so true! Thanks for the support. I plan to keep posting, just to be able to vent my anger, grieve, and hopefully start to move on. It really helps connecting with others experiencing similar situations. Thanks,
2.50 a gallon Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I am so sorry that you are here. And also must warn you, your worse days are just beginning. You will lose weight, you will lose sleep, you will on occasions lose all hope, in yourself, your life and love. This is normal, almost everybody on this board has gone thru it and are now in various levels of recovery. This is a board of sorrow and despair, however there is also a lot of love here. They all have lost their best friend and in need of support talk to each other. You will laugh again, and if you are smart you will love again. It just takes time. Use that time to better yourself, excercise, learn something new, dancing, cooking, etc. Get a hobby, pursue those interests you have always wanted to try but never had the time for. Working on a hobby keeps you mind busy, and moves you a little further from the black hole. I myself turned to cooking, I was already a good cook, better than my sister, as I could make gravy, and she still can't. My thought it was several fold, it gave me something to look forward to after work, instead of an empty apartment, I had a great meal that ususally took at least an hour to prepare. An hour I didn't think of the Ex. Also I was one of those who jumped right back into the dating scene and it didn't take long for me to find others who wanted to sample my new talents. Yes keep posting here, vent, cry, let it out. Also read some of the other threads, they will help you in coping.
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