spookie Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 (edited) I met this guy about a month ago, on a night out with some friends. He was somebody's roommate. The night ended like a lot of nights I've had lately: at someone's apartment, where everyone drunkenly proceeded to hook up. Lauren was hitting on Andy. Christa and Jeff slipped away to Jeff's room. That left Dave for me. We made out and I slept in his bed. It was fun, but I was gone before dawn. The next day, Lauren told me he had a girlfriend. Skip foward a couple of weeks. I ran into him at a party, where I ignored him. Then the two of us did a barcrawl together with a couple of mutual friends. According to some witnesses more sober than I, we made out again at a bar. Lauren and I slept over at his apartment, but I didn't hook up with him there. I slept on the couch. He tucked me in with all the blankets he had, kissed my forehead goodnight, and spent the night freezing alone on the floor. Then our group of friends went on a ski trip together. It was our first time hanging out sober, and, surprisingly, we really hit it off! He kept me doubled over in laughter the entire day, and my friend overheard him talking to his friend about how I was the only person he's ever met who's laughed at his jokes. When the group of us got back to the city, we drank for a couple of hours, and then I hooked up with him. It was fun! I didn't cry, and I didn't get bored; I actually enjoyed it The next day, everyone vegged. Dave and I cuddled up on the couch, alternating between napping, and watching TV. He got my number that night, and called the next day, to ask me out for tonight At first, I was torn about how "healthy" this situation appears, since he still has a girlfriend (whom I have never met). However, all my friends, even the married ones, have told me to go for it. No ring no thing, they have said. So, I have chosen to ignore that red flag. It's probably healthier to date a guy who has a gf than to be obsessed with my boss, anyway. However, I need some words of encouragement. I haven't been on a date in 100 years, and I haven't been on a GOOD first date, ever. How does one psych oneself up for a possibly awkward situation with someone one barely knows, but has had oral sex with already? I'm tempted to start pounding back vodka as soon as I get home, there's probably a limit to how many drinks I can have, before this turns into another drunken Tuesday hookup (as opposed to the legit date it currently is, in my mind So how many drinks CAN I have? Tips? Edited December 30, 2009 by spookie
Buckeye Candy Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Sounds like there is a reason you don't go on too many dates. Ever think you might be the one hanging out the big red flag?
threebyfate Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 spookie, didn't you learn anything from your prior experience of breaking up your "friend's" marriage by sleeping with him, causing a divorce?
e.clipse Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 do you remember when you used to write long, beautiful posts about your love for Wesley? later, they progressed into more sombre posts, with resignation, but still full of an innocense that yearned for something good. but then...this is like a completely different spookie. and while change can be good, you know i will always say that that change that has taken place in you is not so good. the people who you choose to be attracted to (not to be mistaken with the ones you are attracted to naturally) are all people who are not good for you. and by that i don't mean that they are not good fellas in and of themselves, but that there is always a big impediment that you see but choose to ignore. no ring, no thing? do you realize how ridiculous that is? because someone is not married and "just" in a BF/GF relationship--let alone discounting people who live together--does not mean that one should not be respectiful of it. at the rate and route in which you travel, which is quite backwards, imo, you are not going to find the happiness that you truly want and deserve. then again, hey--look at me, right? pot. kettle. good luck, spooks.
Vertex Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 At first, I was torn about how "healthy" this situation appears, since he still has a girlfriend (whom I have never met). However, all my friends, even the married ones, have told me to go for it. No ring no thing, they have said. So, I have chosen to ignore that red flag. It's probably healthier to date a guy who has a gf than to be obsessed with my boss, anyway. Whoa, whoa, whoa, WHAT? I'm honestly not sure what shocks me more -- the fact that you have multiple friends willing to condone this behavior, or the fact that you're behaving this way in the first place. "No ring or no thing" is hardly a green-light. It just means he is likely not a very honest or respectful person, although the fact that you have no concern for his girlfriend speaks to your case here as well. Anyways, I can't say I like any one part of that situation at all.
make me believe Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 What?! What if you hit it off with this guy and start dating him properly (ie: he breaks up with his gf), and then some other girl comes along that catches his interest... will you still believe in "no ring, no thing" then? This is INSANE! What are you thinking?? He is not a good guy! How many drinks you can/should have during the date is the least of your concerns with this dude. How about start with, why are you even giving a guy who has repeatedly cheated on his gf with you the time of day?
kimflute26 Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 You really need to take a step back.... I can see you're desperately trying to rationalize the situation. But I KNOW that deep down you realize this is wrong. Let's look at the facts: - You met this guy while drunk, with other drunk people that were randomly hooking up. This is hardly romantic or a sign of anything good... - He has a girlfriend..... Unfortunately you won't find anyone here to agree with the incredibly naive "No ring, no thing" statement. That's just DUMB..... Since when should we not respect boyfriend/girlfriend relationships??? The real victim here is the poor girlfriend. - You keep wanting to turn to alcohol... Maybe because the whole thing with this guy was so alcohol influenced? Anyway.... to be honest you seemed like a nice girl before but you're changing for the worse. You're like the Lindsay Lohan of Loveshack! You shouldn't date right now.
threebyfate Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 This is a pattern with spookie. Emotionally unavailable men. Until she realizes how counterproductive this pattern is, as well as wanting to be outrageous, hence in her mind, interesting or edgy, where bad is good, she'll continue down this unhealthy path.
Author spookie Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 I think it's crappy that he's cheating on his gf. But I am pretty sure their R has been over for a while - they just haven't acknowledged it, yet. I can sympathize with that. I think most of us can. Clearly, he isn't a saint. It's wrong to date someone, while you're still in a relationship. I know that. But lots of relationships that end up happy start out questionably. It's easy to have immovable standards while giving advice to someone online, but in the real world, not everything's perfect. As far as "how can I trust he woudln't do the same thing to me" goes, I can't. In fact, I predict that he will. People always repeat their mistakes. But having someone cheat on you right before he dumps you, is just one way to get your heart broken. I'm just happy to finally be snapping out of my two-year Jack infatuation. I'm finding it hard to feel very guilty about playing a part in hurting someone I have never met. That's his job, and I'm leaving it for him. Our date went really well. I did not run to alcohol, and he showed up exactly on time and sober as well. We went out to dinner, and he was fun and easy to talk to. Then we went back to my place, where we talked some more and made out a little. He asked me if I wanted to go out with him again before he left, and texted me that he had a lot of fun the next day. If it weren't for the gf lurking in the background somewhere, I'd be congratulating myself for finding someone so wholesome.
Author spookie Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 (edited) TBF: I will buy the emotionally unavaible men bit. But I'd argue that it's not their inherent unavailability that I'm attracted to; it's just that most of the guys worth having, are unavailable. But what about my life is outrageous? I go out on the weekends with my friends... how is that abnormal for a 23 year old? I don't drink until I black out or get sick anymore, and I haven't had sex in more than a year. What is outrageous? Yes, I am still tempted to run to alcohol every now and then, but I've become good at resisting the urge. I am not an alcoholic or a ho anymore. Edited December 31, 2009 by spookie
Vertex Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I think it's crappy that he's cheating on his gf. But I am pretty sure their R has been over for a while - they just haven't acknowledged it, yet. This, to me, just sounds like some sort of warped justification. "It's crappy of him, sure"/"It's pretty much over anyway," etc. If you find it crappy, why are you with him? Clearly it's not crappy enough for you to be willing to overlook it. Their relationship isn't over until it's over for certain. But lots of relationships that end up happy start out questionably. It's easy to have immovable standards while giving advice to someone online, but in the real world, not everything's perfect. Again, more "justification." Just because some relationships start out questionable and end up happy doesn't mean that's how it normally happens or that it's even right in the first place. A lot more relationships end up happy from honest beginnings than they do from questionable ones. As far as "how can I trust he woudln't do the same thing to me" goes, I can't. In fact, I predict that he will. People always repeat their mistakes. But having someone cheat on you right before he dumps you, is just one way to get your heart broken. So why waste the time? Do you not respect yourself enough? If it weren't for the gf lurking in the background somewhere, I'd be congratulating myself for finding someone so wholesome. Wholesome, alright. :/
threebyfate Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 spookie, weed isn't a healthy way of life and neither is enabling a cheater or fixating on someone like Jack. You're bright enough to know better but you keep taking the wrong path, the easier selfish path, over and over again. As long as you get what you want, to hell with everyone else.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 How can anyone say he/she is "not an alcoholic...anymore." That's not even POSSIBLE. You're an alcoholic for life. And it's not true that you no longer drink until you black out; in your original post, you say that you had to be told you were making out with this guy. That's a blackout. But drinking, and your other behavior, is just a symptom of the real problem. I've read many of your posts throughout the years, and I already know you've received suggestions to get help and figure out why you don't like yourself and behave in self-destructive ways, but I think you'll either have to hit bottom - hard or, you'll die. That's my prediction, and that's just sad.
Pink Cupcakes Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I don't see the problem! She's just a girlfriend, not committed as in engaged or married. He is young and it is tough to break up with someone you're comfortable with. He's just seeing what he really wants, possibly someone like you. I mean, how would he know he wanted someone different then his girlfriend if he didn't try another woman out? Lots of successful relationships have started out that way, including my sister who went out on her boyfriend of 3 years and met her current husband of 14 years, and they are very, very happy. It was tough for her to break it off and cause the pain, but she had aleady met and dated this new guy, so what was she to do? Sorry, you guys need to lighten up. We're talking about single people in their early 20s, not married or engaged people.
temple Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Um, no. Leave him to it. You've hooked up countless times but that still isn't enough reason for him to leave his girlfriend? It's not as though he's in any doubt what you're feelings for him are. Forget about him. If he comes back to you in the future, and he's single, then see what happens.
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Hey spookie, If you are still reading LS, let us know how you are... I feel like I completly understand where you are coming from..
thegreatmoose Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Whoa, whoa, whoa, WHAT? I'm honestly not sure what shocks me more -- the fact that you have multiple friends willing to condone this behavior, or the fact that you're behaving this way in the first place. "No ring or no thing" is hardly a green-light. It just means he is likely not a very honest or respectful person, although the fact that you have no concern for his girlfriend speaks to your case here as well. Anyways, I can't say I like any one part of that situation at all. It is absolutely disgusting. I'd rather be alone than anywhere near this type of behavior. The most shocking part to me is a coupole of other posters seem to condone this type of behavior. Luckily, most of the population does NOT behave like this.
bac Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 IMHO, you are a good match. Enjoy your date and have fun. He does not want his GF and it is not your fault.
dreamergrl Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 IMHO, you are a good match. Enjoy your date and have fun. He does not want his GF and it is not your fault. Really? It sounds like he wants his cake and wants to eat it too. If he didn't want his girlfriend, he'd dump her. Get real.
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