Edward10 Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 I have a question - Would you take dating/relationship advice from a commitment-phobe, or would you take relationship advice from someone who was married for years? I just think that commitment-phobes advocate NC, keeping respect etc and ultimately they end up miserable and lonely. I'm friends or would be friendly if we ran into each other with most of my ex's and I have never understood this No Contact advice. Why have no contact with someone just becuase the romantic relationship isn't working out. I can see not talking to them for a few days, but absolutely cut them out of your life? Sort of like asking a potato farmer how to grow corn. How would he know?
threebyfate Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 While I'm friendly with many of my exes, I do advocate NC, for breaking the relationship addiction. It's near impossible to break the addiction, when you're still hung up on them and still in consistent contact. Consider it the cold turkey method.
Simon Attwood Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 I have a question - Would you take dating/relationship advice from a commitment-phobe, or would you take relationship advice from someone who was married for years? I just think that commitment-phobes advocate NC, keeping respect etc and ultimately they end up miserable and lonely. I'm friends or would be friendly if we ran into each other with most of my ex's and I have never understood this No Contact advice. Why have no contact with someone just becuase the romantic relationship isn't working out. I can see not talking to them for a few days, but absolutely cut them out of your life? Sort of like asking a potato farmer how to grow corn. How would he know? I don't think that people that cry "No Contact" without knowing all the details are necessarily people that fear commitment, but I would say that in the vast majority of cases on here, the cry comes from people that have experienced dysfunction in their relationships for what ever reason, and the cry of "No Contact" reflects their dysfunctional experiences. they seem to think that advice that has appeared to work for them, should be the advice that everyone should follow, without understanding that each situation is unique. In the vast majority of cases, "No Contact" is dysfunctional advice. It's the easy option, to be sure, but it is rarely the most constructive.
sumdude Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 (edited) As someone who actually was married then blindsided by my wife leaving me for another I know when that advice is useful. Sometimes it's the only way to heal and move on. This case was full of betrayal and lies. Other exes i am friendly with though still needed some cooling off NC time. The advice is most useful with the dumped rather than the dumpers. In the vast majority of cases, "No Contact" is dysfunctional advice. It's the easy option, to be sure, but it is rarely the most constructive. No not easy.. in fact going NC with someone you desparately want back and who doesn't want you is quite difficult. It also can be the only option. Edited December 29, 2009 by sumdude
Agoraphobianebula Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Often times you date people and it turns out that dating each other is the only thing you have in common. In cases like that, when the relationship is done, I don't see any reason to keep in touch. That's just one more unnecessary phone number clogging up your contact list. Cut it off and move on. Also, you have to realize that once a relationship is over, the ONLY way a true friendship can develop out of it is if there are no romantic feelings simmering below the surface, especially when one party doesn't share the same feelings. You'll just end up causing each other a lot of aggravation all in the name of remaning friends. People advocate no contact at least after the initial breakup for both parties to grieve, reflect and ultimately get over the relationship. If after this, a genuine friendship develops, then more power to you. If on the other hand, there is just too much bad blood, there is nothing wrong with moving on with your life. You can't remain friends with every single person you've ever met in your life.
Simon Attwood Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 No not easy.. in fact going NC with someone you desparately want back and who doesn't want you is quite difficult. It also can be the only option. I did put in the disclaimer; "the vast majority of cases", in other words not all cases. However it is never the only option, it is however the option of least vulnerabilty to further hurt. Perhaps it would have been better if I had used the phrase "it is the safest option"? I'd also point out that when I said "easy" I meant as it is the easiest advice to give, and not the easiest route to take. Although consider the other options, in the long run, are they any easier?
New_Life08 Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I tend to take advice from people who have relationships I admire. The problem with advice is that often we take it from people who are easy to talk to (friends, family, etc) but we don't think about their own track record. The truth is they will give advice that seems to make good sense, but likely wouldn't take it themselves. I am not talking about good friends who can see you are with someone that is obviously taking you for a ride. I am talking about general relationship problems. Always be wary of people who see only your side to a problem and/or can benefit in some way if you were not in a relationship
Woggle Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I taje advice from men who have been through the grinder and have come out the other end intact. These men have seen it all and give great advice.
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Would you take dating/relationship advice from a commitment-phobe, or would you take relationship advice from someone who was married for years? I just think that commitment-phobes advocate NC, keeping respect etc and ultimately they end up miserable and lonely. Never again. Got very bad advice from two chronically-single people about the current guy I'm dating. Will take the person's relationship history and status into account before listening ever again.
ordinary_girl Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I take advice from people that have the ability to maintain long term relationships and/or are rational and quite clear about their own issues to start with. I never seek advice about what I should do, I tell the person what happened and I ask for their opinion. It is entirely your decision what you end up doing in the end, it is just helpful to hear another sensible person's perspective. NC has its place. I am on good terms with most of my exes and very good friends with two of them but cooling off period is necessary. I am dying to talk to my most recent ex because he is so lovely in many ways but our relationship wasn't going anywhere, the reasons are clear to both of us and for the moment at least NC is the best way forward.
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