DudeMan27 Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Approaching Christmas I was sad, but I have dreaded new years ever all year. Here's why. I have stated in threads before I think my insecurities and self esteem issues definately hurt my relationship. I have a hard time saying no to anyone and feel bad if someone invites me anywhere and I do not at least make an appearance. That was a problem in my relationship, if I was with my gf on the weekend, I felt bad because I wasnt at a friends party, if i was with my friends, I felt bad I wasnt spending time with my gf. I spent pretty much every new years eve with my friends since we were 15. Im 27 now. Not to mention I've spent 5 of the last 6 single. I realize it is just another night, but I feel like there is so much pressure to have a fantastic night, and I know that is so stupid. Well down to the story a few days before Christmas last year my ex called and said her friends got a cabin at a ski resort for new years. I wanted to go as I knew she was excited about it but also immediately was torn before I "thought" my friends would be upset if I didnt spend it with them. (that is nowhere near correct, but there are my insecurities comming into place) I told my ex it would be nice to do something different and I knew she wanted to go so I agreed. I worked on New Years Eve day and left to drive the 2 hours away to the ski resort. Everyone else was off so they were there the day before. It was snowing like crazy and i could barely see, it took my way longer than expected to get there. And when I finally got there I was irritated at the long and dangerous drive as it was. I got there, said my hellos to about 20 of my ex's friends who I barely knew. My ex even ran up to me to kiss me all over telling me how good I looked, etc. Well I'm still stressed from the drive and wondering what my friends are doing. I kept thinking yeah Im with my girl, but my friends have been there my whole life I feel bad Im not celebrating with them. That was stressor #2 on me. I finally sat down to enjoy a drink and everyone was getting up to leave. Everyone was going out to the lodge bar. I went to a bar one time on New Years Eve and swore I'd never do it again. I hated it. That was #3 that got on my nerves. I thought everyone was staying in the cabin. So here I was, stressed from a long and dangerous drive, it was close to midnight, all I wanted was to have a few drinks and relax first, and now I had to pick up and go to my least favorite place on NYE. On the way to the bar I realized what I was doing and told my ex I was sorry and didnt want it to ruin our night. Well once we got to the bar, it was hard to get 20 people organzied into where they are going and what we're doing. We were giong back and forth to all these different places in the lodge. We would walk for about 10 minutes to a new bar, then they'd say "this place is too crowded, lets go here" and this kept on. (this was exactly why I like avoiding public places on nye) It got to about 10 minutes till midnight and we were still walking around searching for something to do and someone to watch the clock strike 12. I finally heard someone say "I dont know, what do you want to go" for the final time and stormed off and sat by myself. I think it was just an irritating night overall and I spilled over. My ex was so furious with me for making a scene, when the clock hit 12, everyone was celebrating and we werent even near each other. I'll never forget the stone cold look she gave me when she saw me. Thats the first time she EVER was mad at me. My friends called me to wish me Happy New Year and I could hear how great of a time they were having and felt so bad that I 'ditched' them. My ex and I didnt speak the entire way home the next day until later when we briefly touched on it. She told me how it is only one night and I have to stop worrying about what my friends think, etc. She was right. Actually that was a new years resolution of mine. Learning to say no and not worrying about little things that didnt matter. I guess I failed terribly at that one. I just said I was sorry and we left it alone but I still feel absolutely horrible. Ironically, I'll be doing exactly what I "wanted' to be doing last year, sitting at my friends house laughing and geting crazy, altho I know all I'll be thinking about is how much I wish I was with her. I HATE myself for thinking this way. When I was with her, I took it for granted. Now that I'm not, it makes me sick to my stomach not to be with her. I dont even want to celebrate with anyone but her, and I now know that it really is only one stupid night. But in the back of my mind I thought my friends were mad for breaking tradition and not being with them. I am going to feel so horrible on that night. I almost want to tell her NYE made me think of last year and how I ruined it, and apologize again. Now here I'll be, alone and miserable. She'll probably be at some fancy place, all smiles, ddrinking champagne and have a guy to kiss at midnight. What guy is his right mind wouldn't enjoy a snow covered ski resort, new years eve, with a beautiful woman? Me. Because all I kept worrying about is the people that have and always would be there, my friends, and not the sweet, wonderful person I was lucky enough to spend that night with.
Angel1111 Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 I think that you just over-think things and take on way more responsibility than is yours. At the same time, it's hard to believe this incident is what broke you and your ex up. What happened that ended the relationship? Not to re-hash the past but maybe you can learn from it. I think what you should've done once you arrived at the cabin was to take a breather because you were exhausted and stressed. You should've told your gf this, and suggested that you meet up with her and her friends at a later time. That way you could unwind. And, yes, I agree with your ex that it really wasn't that big of a deal that you didn't party with your friends. I'm sure they were all wishing they had the opportunity you had to go to a cabin. I think there was a part of you that resented being with her friends, though, and you found it hard to just go with the flow. Yeah, bars are a pain on New Year's - most things are. It's hard to say if you should contact her because I don't really know the circumstances of your break-up.
Author DudeMan27 Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Thank you for the advice and I totally agree with you. We talked about it on New Years Day. I apologized and we just spoke how I need to 'get out of my own head" and stop worrying about other people so much. She was such a "go with the flow" kind of person, nothing bothered her. And I was so uptight about everything. She would just get up and travel or change plans on a wim, and I could never do that. I made a resolution to start that at the new year last year, but towards the end of january our relationship took a hit and I couldn't think straight or anything in order to change. I went to the gym today and could barely work out. Every single thing about that night went thru my head. I rememeber saying how I dont reallly like going to bars on new years and she was more than happy to stay in the cabin alone with me. I said "no we can go out with your friends". Now I wonder if we had stayed in, maybe we would have had a romantic new years eve and tonight wouldnt feel like such a nightmare. I didnt even attempt to make plans. Ive been getting calls and texts all day from people, but I dont want to do anything. Funny how tonight I don't really care at all to do anything, and Im alone. My friends are having a very mellow get together with maybe just 4 other people, and Im perfectly happy with that now. But last year, 20 friends, my beautiful gf, in a snowed in ski cabin wasnt enough. I am such a fool. I have definately changed, but it seems not worth it if it isnt for her. I dont know how I'm getting thru tongiht.
Angel1111 Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 You seem like a guy who really likes and needs structure in his life. There's nothing wrong with that but you're probably not going to do well with someone like your ex. You probably need to be with someone who's more like you. For whatever reason the two of you broke up - whatever the final blow was - you were probably just not right for each other. You can spend a lot of time rehashing the past and your actions on new year's eve last year, but something else happened that split you up. Sometimes it's just not meant to be, my friend, and sometimes we just have to accept that. That's the hard part. But if you still think the two of you are right for each other, then why not contact her? Maybe she's missing you, too. You never know.
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