what do i do next

[nichole2004]

My and my boyfriend have been together for 10 yrs. I could probably spend all day thinking of situations that he has gotten into that did not seem right for a person who says that he loves me. Yet he has also told me before that because of his military training that if he ever decided to cheat I would never find out about it. The most recent situation actually started about a year ago. We frequent a small bar and when I was working night he would go up there because he hated being at the house alone.

 

There was a lesbian girl that would also frequent the bar and they ended up becoming good friends. This didn't bother me in the least because she seemed really nice and would call me on occasions to hang ou t with her. Well she also had a friend who i will call sam that would hang out and eventually we all became very close. The two girls would call my boyfriend every night to hang out & it was fine with me cause he would tell me where he was going & who he was with. At the beginning of the summer we all began spending every weekend at the lake. I bagan having this feeling that something might have happened between him and sam but by this time sam was calling me more then he was calling him.

 

I began to observe even more and the signs were there but i never had proof and since alol the other time that i confronted him ended up in me feeling like i was crazy i decided to keep my mouth shut this time and see how it would turn out. Well toward the middle of summer we had a bachlorette party on the boat and we were all very drunk. At one point the two of them had jumped in the water and spooned for about 30 min. Hell they could have been having sex in there and no one would know, so i jumped in and he immediately came over to me and tried to get me back in the boat.

 

A week after that we celebrated sams b-day party at the bar. That next wednesday our air conditioner broke and sam called me at work and told me she wanted me to talk to her mom about this new home insurance that would cover these types of thing but she got ahold of my man and he was coming over to have a beer and speak with her parents. No big deal right. WRONG!!! I got off work early that night and called her and told he to tell my man that i would be at the bar and to call when he was finished. I ended up hanging out with two guys from our group that was at the bar and when i got home was accused of having sex with them. I reminded him that he was at a girls house alone and i was at a bar. And that these girls text and call him every night whereas these guys didnt do that to me. He told me that she texted him once that night. I checked his phone that night and there were no text messages from her and to mention he never let me know that he was going over to her house. I found out from her.

 

The next morning i checked his phone account and found 13 text sent between the two. he obviously didn't want me to know. So that afternoon i went to the bar and talked to the bar owner. I just wanted advise from someone that was outside the situation. She proceeded to tell me that on the night of her b-day she thought she caught them two holding hands after i had walked out of the bar. She wasn't sure but the looks they had on there faces when she caught them told her that she knew what she saw.

 

So needless to say i was in a bit of a bad situation. At this point i own everything between the two of us, the house, the two cars, the boat, and the rv, but he pays for everything. He could walk away from me at any point with no financial responsibilities and im screwed. So i got a spy camera. I set it up about a month ago when she had spent the night. The next morning he goes to get breakfast and forgets to get the main ingredient so i turn on the camera and run to the store. Unfortunately they had turned off the lights but with a little video editing a was able to somewhat make out that they had kissed.

 

It wasn't good enough evidence though for the lawyer so i put on a brave face and went back home pretending that i didn't know anything. Well you can only do that for so long and one night he begins accusing me of cheating on him with the two guys again and it all came out. He left town that night and the next day i confronted her with the evidence. I started out showing her the video not telling her who the girl was to see if she seen the same thing that i did and she did.

 

Then i told her that the other girl was her. She went nuts saying that she has done alot of bad things but she wouldn't do that. She was very angry that night and i decided that i was getting nowhere so i just agreed with her and told her that i made a mistake. Me and my man talked the next day about alot of stuff and at the end of the conversation i brought up the video saying that if it wasn't sam then who was it?

 

He told me that we had talked for 3 hours and that conversation was to be dealt with on another day. He said that he didnt cheat on me and that it is fixed, that he would stop drinking and stop talking to her so problem solved. well that's been about three weeks ago and he acts like everything is fine and hasnt brought up the video again. The video is now at a professional editor which i cant get ahold of now so my only evidence might be lost for good so what do i do next. This is killing me inside. My plan was to get the video edited and present the evidence again where he couldnt deny it but without the video im am lost. Please help

Edited December 29, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TaraMaiden]

You say you can't split up, because financially, you'd be screwed, but then, it seems you just completely have no trust whatsoever in one another, so essentially, the relationship is on the skids....

What is it you actually WANT to do?

[nichole2004]

God, i dont even know what i want anymore. I do love him very much. He has been a very big part of my life and you cant just turn that off after so many years. But what i want is for my boyfriend and what was supposed to be my best friend to respect me enough to tell me the truth rather then making me out to be the crazy one. I want to be with him but i cant if this is what really happened.

[scatterd]

Im so sorry for your pain Keep trying to get ahold of that guy maybe something came up.He was spooning her and made you get in the boat why thats weird.something is up or was.stay low and keep paying attention.After its cooled down he might try again.I hope not sounds like he cares what you think I wish you luck and all goes well.hugs:bunny:

[2sure]

You are not married. All of the debt is in your name. You are being lied to. I dont understand an attorney saying the video is not proof enough...only because I dont see what legal action an attorney could take with any amount of proof.

 

Regardless ...you have to think that NOW would be a good time to get your ducks in order. Sell the boat, the RV. They are in your name.

[atlnay]

Are u more scared to lose him or take the financial hit?

[nichole2004]

technically we are common law married but the lawyer told me that i have to have solid proof in order for him to help pay for the bills and the video is not solid proof because you cant see there faces clearly. This may sound crazy but i wamt to catch him because he told me that i never could. And i want to know the truth after ten yrs.....this is a hard door to just close....Hes all i ever known. I've prepared to take the financial hit. It wont be pretty at all-i will be in the hole so bad!!!!!!! But at this point i just want to know the truth.

[atlnay]

Ok, if you want the truth and are prepared the leave, the first thing you need to do is check your emotions at the door. Try as hard as you could to control them and give him room to breathe. It's going to take a while since his guard is, and will be up for a while, but relax and act "normal".

 

Unsure of your dynamics, I'd just say if you ask him about cheating a lot, or are searching and he suspects you are or you treat him as if he's up to no good, he'll only get more discreet.

 

So be "trusting" and whatever you have to do. I mean you can't leave at this point and don't want him to fly the coop either so why get upset & sick and go crazy if you can't leave?

 

After some time has passed and he feels "safe" again, he'll resume and you become more discreet at collecting info till you have ooncrete proof.

 

While you are playing the waiting game, start prepping for your life without him. Set aside money or take care of your finances, like someone upthread said, try to sell what you can, pare down, budget etc.

[Boundary Problem]

I don't think your relationship is healthy. Sounds like he is cheating.

 

 

So gets your ducks in order financially, and then leave when it is a good time for you.

 

At this point, when to leave is a business decision when you are organized financially.

 

You have to be able to compartmentalize the anger re his cheating, or else you are going to suffer financially. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

[nichole2004]

well we got into it again last night. He let me listen to a phone message that i left him the night i confronted him and told me that what i had said was mean and it really bothered him. Throughout this discussion he asked me if i really thought that he still cheated on me and i told him that i didnt know and that is why (per his request in the origional discussion) that i was getting the video edited and we would find out then. He went nuts, screamed a few thing, then left me crying and went to bed. About an hour later the discussion resumed. He was so angry and said that he never cheated on me and never would. I told him that even though the there was no concrete proof yet that if you put all the little peices together that there was evidence. I listed some of the little peices and told him that if the shoe was on the other foot he would probably think the same thing of me. His response was that he couldnt win. He said that no matter what he said i would always think that i cheated. When the video came back and proved that that i would just say i didnt catch anything at that time and i would still think that he cheated on me. So that is why he wouldnt discuss the video. He then proceeded to tell me that i really screwed the pooch this time. That this was by far the most stupid thing that i could have ever done and when it was proven that i would have huge making ups to do because everybody now thinks that he is a cheater. He basically made it sound like when the video came back clean that i was going to have to kiss the ground that he walked on and even then he would probably leave me. So the discussion ended up in me being the crazy one all over again. My question is this. I have all this proof. Several people that i know have told me that they have always wondered if anything was going on between the two of them. So i have my proof as well as others speculations and proof. He has this way of making me feel so bad and childish about this whole thing. Is this what cheaters do to keep from getting caught? And if so when the video comes back that he did kiss her is it bad for me to make him want to feel the same way?