Questions about dating new people

[bwidger]

Some questions of mine:

 

1) Girl's not responding back to texts/phone calls (this ALWAYS happens). Is it normal? How should I react? Should I move on until I find someone who is more responsive? I only ask this because it happens 90% of the time (they fade off).

 

2) Is it normal a girl doesn’t get a chance to hang out more than once a week when first dating? If I want to hang out more and she doesn’t or can't find the time should I just move on?

 

3) If a girl doesn’t satisfy my needs (being responsive enough, hanging out enough) should I keep searching until I find a girl who does? Are they even out there?

 

4) How often do women give you their number and jump off the radar down the road? It happens all the time to me and it's so frustrating. How should I react tot his and what should I do?

 

 

I realize some of these questions seem like the same but I wanted to get them across and answered, so please help me out! Thank you

Edited December 29, 2009 by bwidger

[boogieboy]

Many people dont hang out more than once a week when they first start dating. When you start to ask for more, you scare them off. When you text them more after they slow down from texting you, you scare them off. You have to keep a very slow pace when youre dating, dont be so needy. You have to act like you dont need them. When they stop responding, you move on-because you turned them off, theres no way to get them back.

[bwidger]

Many people dont hang out more than once a week when they first start dating. When you start to ask for more, you scare them off. When you text them more after they slow down from texting you, you scare them off. You have to keep a very slow pace when youre dating, dont be so needy. You have to act like you dont need them. When they stop responding, you move on-because you turned them off, theres no way to get them back.

 

 

Yes, but, do girls usually fade away (stop responding to texts/phone calls)? Or is this a personal problem of mine?

 

Also, do you think I'm texting too much if I text a girl once everyday? I'm sorry, I realize this may be a very general question...

 

I don't see how I turn them off by just a random text once or twice a day. I would love a girl to do that to me! If I felt crowded, I wouldn't ignore someone all together I'd tell them how I felt.

Edited December 29, 2009 by bwidger

[boogieboy]

Yes, but, do girls usually fade away (stop responding to texts/phone calls)? Or is this a personal problem of mine?

 

Also, do you think I'm texting too much if I text a girl once everyday? I'm sorry, I realize this may be a very general question...

 

I don't see how I turn them off by just a random text once or twice a day. I would love a girl to do that to me! If I felt crowded, I wouldn't ignore someone all together I'd tell them how I felt.

 

Yes girls ignore you when you turn them off. Thats how they interpret "leave me alone". They fade away when they want you to leave them alone.

 

If you are texting/calling a girl more than she is texting/calling you, then its too much. You have to learn to read between the lines to tell when they are interested in you and when they arent. They will NEVER tell you straight up that they arent interested, they just fade away. People are cowards, you have to learn this and deal with it.

 

You dont text a girl youre newly dating randomly, unless she is ALREADY doing this for you. Otherwise, youre only texting to make dates, thats it. As much as you'd love that, forcing what you want on her is only going to push her away. Its not about you. Theres a phrase "the person who needs the relationship least has all the power". Get it?

[bwidger]

Yes girls ignore you when you turn them off. Thats how they interpret "leave me alone". They fade away when they want you to leave them alone.

 

If you are texting/calling a girl more than she is texting/calling you, then its too much. You have to learn to read between the lines to tell when they are interested in you and when they arent. They will NEVER tell you straight up that they arent interested, they just fade away. People are cowards, you have to learn this and deal with it.

 

You dont text a girl youre newly dating randomly, unless she is ALREADY doing this for you. Otherwise, youre only texting to make dates, thats it. As much as you'd love that, forcing what you want on her is only going to push her away. Its not about you. Theres a phrase "the person who needs the relationship least has all the power". Get it?

 

So basically what I'm getting from you is to only text or call to ask on a date if she isn't texting me already? Period, no if or buts or in betweens? No talking a little bit here and there to get to know each other first? Seems simple enough, and if it works I'll do it, but is it truly effective?

 

I want to understand your logic and I'm not trying to go against it, but what you say about me texting them more than them texting me seems a little ridiculous. I mean, there is usually one person in a party who initiates things and sets a tempo, am I wrong?

Edited December 29, 2009 by bwidger

[bwidger]

Anyone else like to input on my first questions? I would love to hear more view points on this, please

[bwidger]

I don't know, I don't think I'm turning the girls off. I thnik they just aren't that serious to begin with and I should focus on someone who is.

[Bejita463]

I mean, there is usually one person in a party who initiates things and sets a tempo, am I wrong?

 

Dating is often more akin to a duel than to a party.

[bwidger]

Dating is often more akin to a duel than to a party.

 

 

If they fall out to be "duels" then don't you think something is wrong then? Dating isn't suppose to be a duel...

Edited December 29, 2009 by bwidger

[DustySaltus]

Some questions of mine:

 

1) Girl's not responding back to texts/phone calls (this ALWAYS happens). Is it normal? How should I react? Should I move on until I find someone who is more responsive? I only ask this because it happens 90% of the time (they fade off).

 

After what phone call do they start to trail off? First, second, third...etc?

Girls like a mysterious guy. Are you telling them your life story right away, so that when you go out you might not have anything to talk about? When do you try to set up dates? I usually do it on the third contact if I met them online or right away if I meet them in person and have a conversation with them. It may be your approach.

 

2) Is it normal a girl doesn’t get a chance to hang out more than once a week when first dating? If I want to hang out more and she doesn’t or can't find the time should I just move on?

 

It's completely normal to hang out once a week. Think about it, ifyou are working Monday thru Friday and only have two days off, you might spend one day with the guys and one day with a girl. As it gets more serious, you can make time during the week. It really all depends on the vibe you are geeting for her. It's not a one way street, take your time otherwise you're going to scare someone special off. Treat every woman as their own entity. Don't let past failures influence how you treat the next one.

 

3) If a girl doesn’t satisfy my needs (being responsive enough, hanging out enough) should I keep searching until I find a girl who does? Are they even out there?

 

Of course. Unless you want to become a monk or priest. Yes, they are out there. Just relax, have no expectations, project confidence and they will appear. The key with dating is to not let the highs get too high or the lows too low. Maintain an even balance so you don't drive yourself nuts.

 

4) How often do women give you their number and jump off the radar down the road? It happens all the time to me and it's so frustrating. How should I react tot his and what should I do?

 

Rather have them jump off the radar now then 20 years from now when I'm married with a mortgage and three kids. Let the runners keep running.

[bwidger]

DustySaltus, I like your input so far. However, my mind is feeling overwhelmed right now...

 

Let me get back to your questions in a bit. I really want to get more info on this...

[boogieboy]

So basically what I'm getting from you is to only text or call to ask on a date if she isn't texting me already? Period, no if or buts or in betweens? No talking a little bit here and there to get to know each other first? Seems simple enough, and if it works I'll do it, but is it truly effective?

 

No if ands or buts. If she wants to get to know you over text, she will text you and ask you questions. otherwise, you can get to know each other over 3-4 dates until she feels like she wants to get to know you in between those times. You dont bother her in between those times with random nonsense. Let her wonder about you.

 

I want to understand your logic and I'm not trying to go against it, but what you say about me texting them more than them texting me seems a little ridiculous. I mean, there is usually one person in a party who initiates things and sets a tempo, am I wrong?

 

 

Whats ridiculous about it?

One person sets the tempo, but since you need the relationship more than they do, it isnt you, so you have to go by their pace until you change your mindset.

 

Like DS said, you have to appear mysterious, you dont go spewing your life story until you are out on the date, and she is asking you for this information. She wants to earn it, let her feel like she is earning it, otherwise youre not a challenge. If youre not a challenge, and she feels like you will be TOO easy, she will lose interest. You will see once you try it how truly effective it is.

 

The reason you let them text you more than you text them is because you dont seem desperate. Right now youre desperate for attention and you make that clear with your actions. You dont see it, but the women do, and thats why they back off. They deal with tons of guys like you and they all act the same, with the same outcome, so they fade away. They know that you will fall in love right away, and that you dont have options. You need to look like you are desired by other women, and thats what letting them chase you does.

 

Now keep in mind that all these women you are talking to will be ones that you will filter out for other reasons, and the one will come along where she is genuinely interested in you. You wont realize it, but you will be doing everything I said you should do with this girl, because she will be anxious to talk to you. But until she comes along, if you want to keep these women from fading away, you have to back off a little yourself. Not all of them will want to talk to you all the time. You have to take things slow.

[bwidger]

I do take things slow and I don't rush anything, so in essence I am being mysterious. To me, these things are basic communication skills. I understand them. I absolutely NOT expecting to talk for hours or even 10 mins with a girl, and so I'm not telling a girl my life story off the bat, of course not. I just get flustered as why I'm doing everything right (i.e., being mysterious, genuine, etc) and they still jump off the radar. I think DS said it best when he said I should let the runners keep running. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong. It just blows my mind to try and accept how iffy people can be to where a large percentage of girls don't lead to nothing.

 

DS, I still want to respond to your post but I need to analyze some things first...

[boogieboy]

You seem to be putting the cart before the horse. Youre acting like youre in a relationship before you have one, by texting them every day. If they are fading away, then youre not doing everything right, thats why you came here. If you are texting them more than they are texting you, then youre not being mysterious. They dont have to wonder about you, and worse than that, you are showing that you NEED their attention. Thats the way they see it. You said it yourself, thats what you would want them to do. . If you want to keep things going with these women, you have to stop texting them every day. Since you need the relationship more, you have to go at their pace, and you have to wait for them to be curious and ask you things, so let them initiate most of the texts.

[threebyfate]

IME, a "mysterious" guy is someone who's got something to hide, which is a major red flag to me. I don't know if other women feel the same way.

 

If a girl/guy stops responding or doesn't give you the time you need, move on. It means she's/he's low-interest, disinterested or playing hard to get, of which none of these are issues you want to deal with. Don't ever try to prove to anyone, you're worth dating. Just know it.

[bwidger]

You seem to be putting the cart before the horse. Youre acting like youre in a relationship before you have one, by texting them every day. If they are fading away, then youre not doing everything right, thats why you came here. If you are texting them more than they are texting you, then youre not being mysterious. They dont have to wonder about you, and worse than that, you are showing that you NEED their attention. Thats the way they see it. You said it yourself, thats what you would want them to do. . If you want to keep things going with these women, you have to stop texting them every day. Since you need the relationship more, you have to go at their pace, and you have to wait for them to be curious and ask you things, so let them initiate most of the texts.

 

Ok, well I guess it can't hurt to try what your saying. I'll give it a whirl and see what happens. I just always think that the girl expects me to contact them and if I don’t then they think I'm not interested. In the past I've waited for girls to contact me but they never did. So what if I do what you say (wait for them to contact me) and they don't? What then?

[bwidger]

IME, a "mysterious" guy is someone who's got something to hide, which is a major red flag to me. I don't know if other women feel the same way.

 

If a girl/guy stops responding or doesn't give you the time you need, move on. It means she's/he's low-interest, disinterested or playing hard to get, of which none of these are issues you want to deal with. Don't ever try to prove to anyone, you're worth dating. Just know it.

 

 

YES! That is how I feel. I think being open, upfront and honest about things (especially when you don't know that person) is the best way to travel and if they can't do the same then what the hell is wrong with THEM?

[bwidger]

Please keep the responses coming! The more input from different people the better!

[threebyfate]

YES! That is how I feel. I think being open, upfront and honest about things (especially when you don't know that person) is the best way to travel and if they can't do the same then what the hell is wrong with THEM?

There appear to be two schools of thought, prevalent in the dating world.

1. One believes in being open and a compatible person will be the one who works with you.
   
2. The other believes in reeling them in to the point of investment, previous to or if ever, divulging. In essence, gaming.
   

You have to decide which party you belong to and then, go with it. In either scenario, there's potential risk of loss.

[bwidger]

In response to DustySaltus,

 

This is exactly what happens. Lately I've been meeting women online (plentyoffish), which may or may not be the best place to meet these women, but I'm not focused on that right now. I'll send them an email, something casual like, "Hi, how are you? How was your Christmas?". If they respond back then I ask general questions like where they are from, what they like doing, how is POF treating them, etc. They usually respond back the way I’d think they would -- with questions of their own to keep it flowing. So after I feel like I have the small talk and the communication is reciprocated, I then ask if they like to text or talk on the phone sometime. They usually give me their number and I usually text them soon after to tell them who it is and to wish them good day or something, and if they are more open to talk I will continue the conversation. If not, I won't...

 

So typically the next day comes around and I'll text them and they are usually responsive. I do this to see if they are or not because sometimes I feel women may just give out their numbers on a fluke. So it's just another short couple of texts back and forth with something like, me: "Hey how is your day going?", her: "Pretty good. Just watching...", and after that little thread of conversation is done I usually wish them a good day and say I'll talk to them later. I always keep it casual.

 

So after those two hurdles (I guess you can call them tests), a day or two later I'll either text or call them, and if they respond back (sometimes they don't), I'll ask if maybe sometime they would like to hang out and do something together. If they say they do I mention a place like a bar for drinks, a park or coffee (something public and casual) and they usually say they would love to. So, everything is good because they have been responsive, I have not been intrusive and it seems to be reciprocated...

 

But don't get me wrong here, sometimes a girl won't even respond back BEFORE I ask her if she'd like to do something, and I always play it cool and I'm not needy or pushy or anything. To me, this signifies they are just iffy and THIS IS WHAT FRUSTERATES ME. Boogieboy seems to have it in his head like I'm being needy or something and from what I'm doing I don't think I am...

 

What gets me, and why I started this thread, is because I just can't accept how iffy these women are. I honestly don't think I'm doing anything wrong here. I think my problem is that I haven't accepted that there are lots of women who just jump off the radar for no good reason...

Edited December 29, 2009 by bwidger

[bwidger]

There appear to be two schools of thought, prevalent in the dating world.

1. One believes in being open and a compatible person will be the one who works with you.
   
2. The other believes in reeling them in to the point of investment, previous to or if ever, divulging. In essence, gaming.
   

You have to decide which party you belong to and then, go with it. In either scenario, there's potential risk of loss.

 

People who play games are definitely not what I'm looking for, and I can't understand their logic beyond that they do so in order to satisfy an insecurity of theirs. I mean, if you constantly go about life feeding off the acceptance of others through manipulation than your doing so to satisfy something you can't seem to generate in other more positive ways. These people are obviously not interested in something serious either dating or relationship-wise. Wouldn't you agree?

[stevejohnson1976]

I do take things slow and I don't rush anything, so in essence I am being mysterious. To me, these things are basic communication skills. I understand them. I absolutely NOT expecting to talk for hours or even 10 mins with a girl, and so I'm not telling a girl my life story off the bat, of course not. I just get flustered as why I'm doing everything right (i.e., being mysterious, genuine, etc) and they still jump off the radar. I think DS said it best when he said I should let the runners keep running. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong. It just blows my mind to try and accept how iffy people can be to where a large percentage of girls don't lead to nothing.

 

DS, I still want to respond to your post but I need to analyze some things first...

 

hey dude, im going through THE SAME thing. I'm dating 2 girls, trying to narrow it down to one. I find myself wanting to text, email, call etc. all the time. I dont want to play the games. Unfortunately, you have to play early on. I may have blown it with one of the girls because I have been too available and not mysterious enough. For real.

 

Suck it up for a month, be mysterious, make her wonder what else you are doing or who you're seeing. It works. Unfortunately.

 

My last GF, we couldn't stop texting, instant messaging, emailing right from the start. But that was an exception, not the norm. So I'm trying hard to retrain myself.

 

Funny thing is, the girl I like more, is the one im pushing away by contacting her too much, the one I dont like as much, is all over me, texting, wanting plans, etc and its because I havent shown her as much attention as the other one.

 

We always want what we cant have. My case is a perfect example. The girl I pay less attention to wants me, the girl i want more and pay more attention to, seems to be backing off.

 

The proof is in the pudding bro...

[bwidger]

hey dude, im going through THE SAME thing. I'm dating 2 girls, trying to narrow it down to one. I find myself wanting to text, email, call etc. all the time. I dont want to play the games. Unfortunately, you have to play early on. I may have blown it with one of the girls because I have been too available and not mysterious enough. For real.

 

Suck it up for a month, be mysterious, make her wonder what else you are doing or who you're seeing. It works. Unfortunately.

 

My last GF, we couldn't stop texting, instant messaging, emailing right from the start. But that was an exception, not the norm. So I'm trying hard to retrain myself.

 

Funny thing is, the girl I like more, is the one im pushing away by contacting her too much, the one I dont like as much, is all over me, texting, wanting plans, etc and its because I havent shown her as much attention as the other one.

 

We always want what we cant have. My case is a perfect example. The girl I pay less attention to wants me, the girl i want more and pay more attention to, seems to be backing off.

 

The proof is in the pudding bro...

 

Yes, but, aren't we missing an important aspect here of maturity? If a girl is only interested in you because your not interested in her, don't you think that your both playing a game of insecurity?

Edited December 29, 2009 by bwidger

[stevejohnson1976]

Yes, but, aren't we missing an important aspect here of maturity? If a girl is only interested in you because your not interested in her, don't you think that your both playing a game of insecurity?

 

you're preaching to the choir bro. Believe me. This is not me. I lay it out there more everyone to see. Unfortunately, the way our minds are wired, we tend to crave things that are just out of reach or mysterious.

 

Its not the case for every girl, but it is th majority. Its even working on me! Like I said, the girl who makes me work for her attention, I totally dig. I just got 4 texts in three hours from the other girl and I'm like "common already". Its subconscious

 

its driving me nuts. I just want to tell the one girl that i'm crazy about her and want to try and make this work, but I KNOW that's a death sentence.

 

the hard to get girl did admit to me last night though, that she isnt seeing anyone else and that i'm the only success from our dating site, so maybe there are chinks in her armour!!

[bwidger]

you're preaching to the choir bro. Believe me. This is not me. I lay it out there more everyone to see. Unfortunately, the way our minds are wired, we tend to crave things that are just out of reach or mysterious.

 

Its not the case for every girl, but it is th majority. Its even working on me! Like I said, the girl who makes me work for her attention, I totally dig. I just got 4 texts in three hours from the other girl and I'm like "common already". Its subconscious

 

its driving me nuts. I just want to tell the one girl that i'm crazy about her and want to try and make this work, but I KNOW that's a death sentence.

 

the hard to get girl did admit to me last night though, that she isnt seeing anyone else and that i'm the only success from our dating site, so maybe there are chinks in her armour!!

 

Idk man, but I appreciate your input...