Insight Would Be Greatly Appreciated

[Fleur de Lis]

I am in serious need of advice. I plan on getting professional counseling after New Year's but would like to hear advice and thoughts people here might have.

 

I have been married for almost 13 years. I am in my mid 40s and my wife is in her mid 50s. I care for my wife and stepson deeply but our marriage has become completely devoid of intimacy for several years and I now find myself thinking that the best course for us may be to divorce and I move on.

 

When we dated, we had a normal level of intimacy and made love a few to several times per week. Unfortunately, our level of intimacy dropped precipitously shortly after we married as we moved across the country and became immersed in new jobs and building a new house. I assumed that once our house was completed, our then lowered intimacy level would return to what we enjoyed prior to our wedding.

 

In the last five years, we have probably made love about 7 - 10 times total (not 7 - 10 times per year). The five years prior to that were only nominally better. This is no exaggeration.

 

Part of this problem I know stems from physical changes that she has gone through as a natural part of aging she has gone through but part of it is emotional as well. I think part of this is the result of the communal and familial cultures we both grew up in as well.

 

I grew up in New Orleans in a large, warm family that always greeted one another with warm hugs on weekend family gatherings. As a result of my upbringing, I am a very sensual person and intimacy is extremely important to me. My wife grew up in a small farming community in the Midwest in a house hold of fine people. However, sex and intimacy was looked upon as something that was 'distasteful' or 'dirty' to talk about, express, etc. This was something that I was not fully aware of when we dated since we had a normal sex life.

 

When I met my wife I was 2 years removed from a long term relationship with a woman I was engaged to and lived with: our relationship fell apart when I found out she was having an affair with a married father of two. My wife's previous marriage ended when her husband left her and their then one year old son (my stepson) because her husband was having an affair with a woman who became pregnant (they are still married and have another child also).

 

Despite an almost 10 year age difference, we fell in love and I almost immediately became a father figure for my stepson. We have no children together. Before we engaged, I intuitively sensed that our age difference could become a problem down the road if I were "still in my prime" and she had gone through menopause and any associated hormonal changes. I briefly ended our relationship over these concerns but we both loved each other, talked our way through my concerns with her convincing me this would not be an issue, and we moved the relationship forward to marriage.

 

I reiterate that we had a normal, active sex life and seemed to be 100% sexually compatible at the time. We both seemed to be fulfilled.

 

For years now, I have tried to address our absence of intimacy and fix what I feel is a probable fatal flaw we have. I know that my sexual frustrations have expressed themselves in me being irritable, angry, uncaring at times, and a general level of bickering that is toxic. I know that on some level, my attempts to coax my wife into sex have felt like sexual harassment to her as she has little to no drive.

 

In the course of our marriage and the many discussions we've had addressing this issue, my wife has informed me that she has never (in her entire adult life) had much interest in sex or desire for it with the sole exception of the period that we met and courted. She explains this by saying that we were "drinking" heavily during that period. This seems to be validated by the fact that the very few times we have sex (now only once or twice per year) occur when we are at a party or a wedding reception and she has one too many cocktails.

 

This really hurts me because I feel like the only time she finds me attractive enough to have sex is when she is drunk. When I try to snuggle up with her on the couch or try to hug and kiss her when she is sober she clams up and becomes physically distressed at my advances. She finds movies with intimate scenes or love making "distasteful" and that affects her overall evaluation of what a "good" movie is or what a "bad" movie is.

 

She also tells me that I am oversexed and that normal people do not have sex as often as I imagine. She claims that she talks to her female friends about this and that none of them have sex significantly more often than we do, which I find impossible to believe.

 

One thing she relays to me regarding the physical aspects of having sex is that she says that intercourse is painful for her. She has gone to various doctors on this and has taken hormonal treatments to try to fix this. Invariably, she eventually discontinues these treatments as the result of undesirable side effects and that these therapies have no significant effect on the pain she experiences or her libido.

 

I have gone out of my mind over several years thinking that perhaps she is gay and simply does not like men and that I am her beard. I also have tried to look for evidence that perhaps there is another man (or woman). However, I have no evidence whatsoever that she has been anything but faithful. She has no missing time, owns her own business and spends all of her time working. I have keys to her office, occasionally show up unexpected, etc. There are no unusual expenses or other flags. I have access to all of her business financial records and have seen no other flags.

 

Ultimately, the conclusion I draw is that my wife and I are completely incompatible in our inherent, individual intimate nature and that she is (or has become) completely asexual.

 

I have pretty much given up that we will ever have any appreciable level of sexual intimacy and the only thing that has kept me in the marriage is that my stepson went through some heavy problems during his teenage years and I did not want to break up the family for his sake.

 

However, he is past his problems, is 21 now, has recently completed trade school, and is starting his career as a certified mechanic.

 

We have abstractly talked about allowing me to have affairs with other women, but I do not want to demean her and she rightly fears that I would end up falling in love with another woman and leaving her. I know that that is a likely result, as I have never had emotionless sexual relationships ever in my life.

 

I do care for my wife, but our relationship is more indicative of what you'd expect from room mates and/or business partners than it really is as normal husband and wife. Leaving her would most likely ruin her financially (her business has struggled since the recession and our house has lost fairly significant value) as well as hit me financially hard also.

 

I am torn as what I should do. She is a great friend and partner, she is just no longer capable physically, mentally, or emotionally of being a lover.

Edited December 29, 2009 by Fleur de Lis

[soul searching]

Have you discussed getting counseling with your wife? It seems that she does value your relationship if she's afraid you would fall in love with another woman...

She needs to value your needs within the relationship as well. I wonder if the deep-seated negativity towards sex and physical intimacy is something that could be addressed if she were willing to go to counseling - either marital, or maybe first individual.

A sexless marriage is certainly no fun! If everything continues status quo, it sounds like her needs/wants are being met and yours aren't... That's a problem to be dealt with now, not later.

 

My WAH held those feelings stored up until he decided to "shake up" the relationship to make me take notice that the marriage was in jeopardy. Then, by the time we started counseling, too much anger and resentment had built up in him (and insecurities in me...) to fix anything. Now, I'm sure we will be ending soon.

 

So, in my experience, it's best to address the problems seriously before you don't even love each other, want to work on it anymore...

maybe you're already there??

[nobmagnet]

it soundslike she has deep seated problems sexually. The pain she feels when having intercouse is probably because she is uptight and not relaxed.

 

Joint sexual therapy would benifit you greatly if you could convey this to her. The terapy its self is fun it helps each other understand the art of lovemaking and mutual satisfaction.

Low sex drive after menopause is a problem for women but there is help out there for that.

 

As soul search said it needs to be addressed before your resentment grows too big and your bickering and sniping will be pushing her away.

 

Everytime you go in for a cuddle she thinks you are coming onto her. That scares her. Its a natural reaction (not one thats healthy tho) sexual councilling normally starts with strict instructions NOT to have sex. Just touch. maybe massage...ect. It allows there to be boundries. You can do this but not that. Its a very slow process but it does have incredable results.

 

I hope you can persuade her to try it.

 

all the best x