What do you do after you find out and confront the affair and lying?

[Justtoodangtired]

I recently found out about the semi affair and lying for months, probably years. I know there is more though. I had given him many opportunities to just tell me everything. I said I need it all if we are to go forward. I know he hasn't told me everything. After reading here, I understand there is a name for what he is doing. It's trickle down truth, I guess. I only get more when he is absolutely certain I KNOW something more.

But I guess my question is more in general, as I haven't decided what I will do yet. But I'm wondering, say you decide to stay and work it out. What happens next? I mean how do you live day to day and not have it come up? How do you deal with the anger, hurt and betrayal? Is it even possible to regain trust? Really? I mean, once you have been through this, can you really recover? Are your days normal? Do you talk about normal things? It seems he can go on as if nothing happened. I can't. He touches me and has also tried to initiate sex. I can't even fathom that right now.

Also, if the computer was a huge part of the problem, hasn't he lost all rights to privacy? I just feel I need all the passwords and to see everything he's doing now.

I know this is not how I want to live my life. And I suspect I am done. However, for right now we are stuck in the same house until our lease is up. He says he is wanting to start over and be a better man. He is starting counseling. But for me, I just don't think any of it is real. I have heard it all before.

But I do want to know, for those who do stay, how does it ever work again? What is it like? I just can't imagine this feeling ever goes away.

[TaraMaiden]

...And this is why counselling is so important.

 

Counselling isn't a mechanism to keep you together, necessarily.

It's something designed to help you both express yourselves completely safely, effectively and on a level playing field.

It may well open up even more questions to the ones you've posed, because when push comes to shove, whether you can ever trust him again, or whether

this will ever work is down to you two and your resolve to commit and make the effort.

[outofthedark]

I recently found out about the semi affair and lying for months, probably years. I know there is more though. I had given him many opportunities to just tell me everything. I said I need it all if we are to go forward. I know he hasn't told me everything. After reading here, I understand there is a name for what he is doing. It's trickle down truth, I guess. I only get more when he is absolutely certain I KNOW something more.

But I guess my question is more in general, as I haven't decided what I will do yet. But I'm wondering, say you decide to stay and work it out. What happens next? I mean how do you live day to day and not have it come up? How do you deal with the anger, hurt and betrayal? Is it even possible to regain trust? Really? I mean, once you have been through this, can you really recover? Are your days normal? Do you talk about normal things? It seems he can go on as if nothing happened. I can't. He touches me and has also tried to initiate sex. I can't even fathom that right now.

Also, if the computer was a huge part of the problem, hasn't he lost all rights to privacy? I just feel I need all the passwords and to see everything he's doing now.

I know this is not how I want to live my life. And I suspect I am done. However, for right now we are stuck in the same house until our lease is up. He says he is wanting to start over and be a better man. He is starting counseling. But for me, I just don't think any of it is real. I have heard it all before.

But I do want to know, for those who do stay, how does it ever work again? What is it like? I just can't imagine this feeling ever goes away.

 

1) Counseling... you need it now too. Not just him. You have suffered a trauma to your own psyche, you must seek help even if just a few times to get you past the initial insult. It will help YOU and right now that is what you need to do. Help yourself! 2) Couples counseling will help the both of you decide if you want the relationship. Right now you are in a state of shock and awe I suspect. It would be hard for you to make a true rational decision. In counseling you can start with not healing but... do you really want the relationship at all. If so, if there is any hope then you can build on that. You dont even have to decide immediately if you want it, but counseling will help you in that decision. 3) Yes, there are "normal everyday moments" that happen. As the days progress normal things arise that have nothing to do with the affair. But it is in the background, under the surface. Seems that the more you talk about the affair and the more you talk about your relationship.. the less crap that is right under the surface. 4) Computer.. uh NO WAY does he have privacy anymore. HE took that trust from you, that freedom of privacy. Its all gone now, he has to deal with it. If he doesnt comply then he is still hiding something. You should be able to walk right up to him, watch what he is doing, take the computer from him and read everything including history, cache etc. at any time!!! Same thing with his phone. Tell him you are installing an internet monitor that captures every detail of computer usage including passwords. And... get yourself some xanax or something like it. Just to help with the initial shock. You may have nightmares, cant eat, cant sleep... go into mini anxiety attacks thinking about what happened. Xanax shuts your mind up long enough to fall asleep, makes you hungry upon wakening. Good luck, my thoughts are with you

[Natureofbeast]

I am sorry for the pain you are going through. Yes, you can rebuild trust, but it is going to take time. As the others have already said MC is a good start, but there is a long road ahead of you. And there is really no way to say how long it will take 'cause people recover at different rates. Sounds as if you will need lots of deep discussions–and ground rules--but it is important to try to NOT allow you whole life/ marriage revolved around this issue–heartbreaking as it feels right now. Give yourselves breaks from–while you are together and apart. Yes, I know it is easier said than done.

[misternoname]

First let me say how sorry I am for what you're going through. Unfortunately it's only going to get worse.

 

After my ex wife's first affair I tried desparately to forgive and forget. She ended up becoming a serial cheater and I foolishly stuck around until #4 reared its ugly head. In between all her indiscretions I lived in a constant state of paranoia. I spent hours spying on her computer, phone, car nav system, etc.

 

In retrospect I wish I had walked away after the first affair. I wasn't brave enough to start fresh. I really regret wasting many years on an adulterer.

 

The question I ask myself now is this...had she done the right thing after the first affair would anything really have changed with me? My intuition says no.

 

I know some marriages can survive infidelity but frankly it leaves behind very deep seated feelings that probably never completely go away. Once trust has been broken it can be "re-earned" but never like it was prior to the affair. It really boils down to your ability to accept that you'll never feel the same about your spouse again. I suppose some folks are OK with that but not me.

 

Divorcing her was the best thing I could have done for my own state of mind. It was terribly painful at first but at least now I don't waste precious time worrying and wondering. I'm now a much happier person. I'm engaged to wonderful woman that makes me feel like I am special, important and worthy of fidelity.

 

Bottom line...this is your call. He has lost the right to influence your decision.

 

Best of luck in whatever direction you decide to go.

[seren]

In the beginning I obsessed over the OW, wanted to know everything about her, what she was like, what the sex was like, I searched the internet for any mention of her, just to know why her, what it was about her that had resulted in my pain. I would look for her while shopping, not wanting to be polite to someone who was faceless incase it was her, it drove me nuts. I sat for three months while he was in Iraq, just existing, off work with stress, not wanting anyone to see me as I was ashamed of what he had done. I yelled, a lot, not proud of myself, but hit him once and threw up often. I had the chance to be another woman, during the crap and it was tempting the attention, the thrill etc but I just couldn't do it because I couldn't hurt H, knowing that he hadn't considered me was so hurtful.

 

Then, when he finally told all the truth, and OW and I had spoken and she had told me her understanding of it all I realised it was never about me, or her, more about him needing to look at why he didn't put the effort into our relationship instead of looking for an escape to our problems (lost our house, he was gambling, just a whole load of crap) began to work at putting it all together again.

 

It is hard and after 2 and a bit years we laugh, love, get on with our life BUT I still think about it at least once a day, still am hurt that my husband, who I loved and trusted could show such disrespect toward me and our marriage and how easy it was for him to lie to me. It does get easier, it is the hardest thing either of us has done, he has had to really look at himself and he hasn't liked what he has seen. I have changed, my confidence has taken a knock as has my view on love and all that. But it can work, in fact we are renewing our vows as I say that our 20 years were built on lies - not true I know, but that's just how I feel.

[foreal]

I recently found out about the semi affair and lying for months, probably years. I know there is more though. I had given him many opportunities to just tell me everything. I said I need it all if we are to go forward. I know he hasn't told me everything. After reading here, I understand there is a name for what he is doing. It's trickle down truth, I guess. I only get more when he is absolutely certain I KNOW something more.

But I guess my question is more in general, as I haven't decided what I will do yet.

 

But I'm wondering, say you decide to stay and work it out. What happens next? PAIN, TORTURE, UTTER HUMILIATION, RAGE, PAIN PAIN PAIN-PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL, MENTAL

 

 

I mean how do you live day to day and not have it come up? It comes up in my mind every day.

 

How do you deal with the anger, hurt and betrayal? Not very well. Focusing on one of those at a time may help.

 

Is it even possible to regain trust? Really? Blind trust is gone forever (which is not necessarily a bad thing- just a horrible way you got there)

 

I mean, once you have been through this, can you really recover? You most certainly can and will. Your M, however, may not.

 

Are your days normal? Hardly. Unless normal is thinking constantly about WTF your life has become, and it ain't good.

 

Do you talk about normal things? Yes, but always overshadowed by 'Thee Affair'

 

It seems he can go on as if nothing happened. WSs should bottle that trick and take it on the road- they'd make billions!

 

He touches me and has also tried to initiate sex. I can't even fathom that right now. Tell him to STEP OFF!

 

Also, if the computer was a huge part of the problem, hasn't he lost all rights to privacy? Of course. At least initially-

 

I just feel I need all the passwords and to see everything he's doing now. he should have no problem allowing you unfettered access.

 

But I do want to know, for those who do stay, how does it ever work again? I am 9 months out and it is not working.

 

What is it like? I think 'Hell" sums it up.

 

I just can't imagine this feeling ever goes away.It has not gone away, but it doesn't hurt as bad as it did 6 months ago.

 

I am so sorry you are going thru this.

 

(((JTDT)))

[Justtoodangtired]

Thank you all so much for the replies. Isn't is just amazing how we can get comfort from total strangers, when the one who was supposed to love us most won't/can't do it. And it also sticks in my mind, that the way he has treated me, I doubt he would treat a total stranger either.

Anyway, I don't know if anyone else felt this. But I can be completely fine (ok not ever completely), but feeling ok for a little bit, then all of a sudden I hear some song, phrase or just a feeling comes up and I want to just lash out at him. The pain, hurt and anger are all I am feeling right now. I have no other emotions. The pit in my stomach won't ease at all.

I told him it would have benn easier for me had he just had a one night stand. Rather than having the years of lying. Sure the OW hurts but it's more the lies, and knowing he was looking me straight in the eyes and lying for so long. He was actually making plans on how he could screw me over. And the fact he didn't consider what this would do to me. Those are the parts of this I can't imagine I'll ever be able to let go. He has pretty much only told me what I want to hear for years, while all along telling s different story to everyone else. That's what makes me hurt so much.

Although, don't get me wrong, I suspect, had this OW, wanted to continue the relationship he would have. It's just that she didn't. She didn't think he was all that. Man, was she right!

[imagine]

Do yourself a favour. Rather than endure trickle truths and triggers for the rest of your life -get a polygraph.

 

This will cost money, but hey, this is the consequences of adultery.

 

Honesty, will help your marriage. Learn the concept of radical honesty in your marriage. For the past, present and the future of your relationship.

 

If he does not agree to the Polygraph -expose (but NEVER, NEVER warn him). Take all your evidence and do it on one day.

[seren]

8 months on from D day and me having 'the truth' he told me another thing that almost finished us, nothing too earth shattering, but he had already told me I had it all. At this point I had a long hard think about whether I wanted to stay, up until then we were rebuilding our R really well, but that just shook it all up again and took me back to less than square 1.

I am not the person I used to be, my tra la la has gone and my blind trust in anything and everything has gone. I sort of feel like I am living my life in a daze and so long to feel like I used to. i tell him that I love him but not as I used to and that just kills him, but there you go. had he loved OW I would understand more the utter devastation that the A has had upon my life, I can respect love but just for the thrill of it, naw. Saying that, he is still the one I choose to spend my life with and yes I love him and we have good times, but complete and utter trust is not possible. Trickle truth is a pain in the arse and just destroys reconciliation. I still get I don't know and that it meant nothing and so my jigsaw is not complete, until it is it just stays out of it's box and I so want to put it away all pieces intact.

[dprtman09]

I recently found out about the semi affair and lying for months, probably years. I know there is more though. I had given him many opportunities to just tell me everything. I said I need it all if we are to go forward. I know he hasn't told me everything. After reading here, I understand there is a name for what he is doing. It's trickle down truth, I guess. I only get more when he is absolutely certain I KNOW something more.

But I guess my question is more in general, as I haven't decided what I will do yet. But I'm wondering, say you decide to stay and work it out. What happens next? I mean how do you live day to day and not have it come up? How do you deal with the anger, hurt and betrayal? Is it even possible to regain trust? Really? I mean, once you have been through this, can you really recover? Are your days normal? Do you talk about normal things? It seems he can go on as if nothing happened. I can't. He touches me and has also tried to initiate sex. I can't even fathom that right now.

Also, if the computer was a huge part of the problem, hasn't he lost all rights to privacy? I just feel I need all the passwords and to see everything he's doing now.

I know this is not how I want to live my life. And I suspect I am done. However, for right now we are stuck in the same house until our lease is up. He says he is wanting to start over and be a better man. He is starting counseling. But for me, I just don't think any of it is real. I have heard it all before.

But I do want to know, for those who do stay, how does it ever work again? What is it like? I just can't imagine this feeling ever goes away.

 

It's up to you how and when it will come up day to day. He cheated and he has to own up and beg for your forgiveness. You both need couselling together and separately. It can work again and my W and I are living proof (she had the EA). It takes a long time. Are YOU willing to deal with more adversity? To paraphrase Yoda, There will be--There will be.

 

By the way, what is a "semi-affair"? Don't sugarcoat things for your own sake. He is a cheat and you are not. You're right and he's wrong. Stand up for your convictions and convict him and the OW. Lead by example if you want to teach him fidelity. If he fails to respond, then let the chips fall where they may. You set the rules from here on out. Unconditional surrender on his part is all that you should accept to get the ball rolling. Later, you can let him speak his mind. Then it can be fair.

[dprtman09]

I am so sorry you are going thru this.

 

(((JTDT)))

 

Good job, foreal. Further down the thread, I took a moment to expand on your thoughts. I hope you fare well in your endeavor.