Author lostboyuk Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 But I do still fall apart at times (not in front of him of course, I have a lot of pride) yes it feels like torture at times but we also have a laugh and enjoy time together, at the moment I feel I would find it much worse to not see him. wow you are one tough lady! I thought (1st time around) that I needed her in my life to get over her which I know sounds crazy but I felt I did so I asked her to do that for me! As for the pride...pfft...I let that all go out the window many many times, don't regret it one bit, not worth all it's cracked up to be, just see it as something that gets in my way of being honest with myself and honest feelings, always have! But of course we are all different. I hope I can be as strong as you've been and obviously are, whether alone or around her.
HeavenOrHell Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 I was reading one of your messages on another thread where you said you'd fallen apart on front of her and that you don't regret it cos she said she hadn't realised how much you loved her until then. Too much pride is not always a good thing, it can make someone think you don't/didn't care. I've made it clear to my ex that I have found the break up extremely tough, and I have sent 2 or 3 texts and emails when I've been in tears and scared, I've also sent a loving letter and another recent email making it clear how much he meant to me and how much it has affected me, he thought I would be over him in 2 weeks so I wanted/needed to make that clear to him. But the only time I cried in front of him about it was the night before he left, he was in tears too, I made it clear how I felt about him going, he felt really anxious about going but said he felt like he still had to. It's unbearably sad, there's so much love between us, a friend of mine was saying yesterday how we are so good together, she said we even look alike and that you can just feel this love between us. People say I am strong, but I often feel I'm not, I don't know. All I know is no matter what happens I hope we can remain in each others' lives, but this will probably not be realistic wow you are one tough lady! I thought (1st time around) that I needed her in my life to get over her which I know sounds crazy but I felt I did so I asked her to do that for me! As for the pride...pfft...I let that all go out the window many many times, don't regret it one bit, not worth all it's cracked up to be, just see it as something that gets in my way of being honest with myself and honest feelings, always have! But of course we are all different. I hope I can be as strong as you've been and obviously are, whether alone or around her.
Author lostboyuk Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 It's unbearably sad, there's so much love between us, a friend of mine was saying yesterday how we are so good together, she said we even look alike and that you can just feel this love between us. Exactly the same here, many people including my own family have said the same thing to me. The love is there but she's telling me (or herself) it's not enough. My only hope is that somehow she finds through time or memories, it was enough and covering her feelings up with something else just isn't the same as having that one person you know is there for you no matter what. Used to think I was emotionally strong until this! Boy was I wrong! I have to say though (and yes I'm being very open and mushy here) LS is full of amazing people that have helped me (whether they know it or not) get through the last 2 days. My thoughts are with you...
GrayClouds Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Used to think I was emotionally strong until this! Boy was I wrong! I have to say though (and yes I'm being very open and mushy here) LS is full of amazing people that have helped me (whether they know it or not) get through the last 2 days. My thoughts are with you... Emotionally strong does not mean emotionally detached. Feeling things intensely means you are strong enough to invest a great deal in the things that matter to you. Getting through intense emotion shows our strength not avoiding them. It is wayafter the hurt is gone most of us feel better about ourselves after the break-up then before. Know that you are doing well.
singlegirl Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Lostboy, this is the saddest of ways to be in a relationship. My heart breaks for you and for her...She loves you but she can't seem to give herself to you with the relationship status quo...I don't think she's mean. I think she's with her Mum, talking about how she feels and is getting insights on aspects of your relationship that she may never reveal to you. Now she has the strength to say that this is not right for her....She is emotional and that probably means she loves you... I had a child within a relationship, that man was not her Father. It is hard for anyone having exs around let alone be controlled somewhat by them. You have no choice but she does and has put up with it. She has accepted you have kids but no one can know what being in relationship is like with someone with kids unless they have done it. Is there no way you can salvage this? Can you not go to her Mother and talk with her about your relationship with her daughter? Can you not ask her on what points you can concede? Final thought, she seems to have insecurities. Are you sure she isn't worried real or imagined that you just want a surrogate mum for these kids and maybe will leave her when they are bigger? Have you talked of marraige? Insecure women need lots of reassurance. Take her to couples therapy if she will agree. Don't let her go
HeavenOrHell Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 It is incredibly sad You're right LS is full of amazing people, I would feel much lonelier without them! There is a lot of support here and a lot of us in the same boat, helps to know you're not alone in how you feel My thoughts are with you too... Exactly the same here, many people including my own family have said the same thing to me. The love is there but she's telling me (or herself) it's not enough. My only hope is that somehow she finds through time or memories, it was enough and covering her feelings up with something else just isn't the same as having that one person you know is there for you no matter what. Used to think I was emotionally strong until this! Boy was I wrong! I have to say though (and yes I'm being very open and mushy here) LS is full of amazing people that have helped me (whether they know it or not) get through the last 2 days. My thoughts are with you...
singlegirl Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Just read your other thread lostboy. I am no expert but maybe somewhere you two may not have forgiven yourselves or eachother for the pain you caused when you got together. You both need to acknowledge that you are both flawed human beings as we all are. The hardest part is that you both cheated in your relationships, you both know that you are capable of this kind of deception. Could this ultimately have as someone else said mean that your relationship was built on sand. Trust is so hard to gain once it is lost.. It is hard when we are surrounded by so much negative energy. Being reminded of or coming into contact with ex will constantly remind her of what she did as will the problems with your eldest. I don't think these are HER emotional problems. It reads to me that these are just the facts of the situation that she simply can't deal with. There's a tangled mess of emotions here with the relationships to your kids, your ex, her family....You can work through it but IMHO you both need to see a relationship councillor and get support. You both gave up a life you knew for eachother, you put a lot of people ( including yourselves) through emotional pain and I'm guessing financial pain. If you can both be totally sure you aren't just staying because you have invested so much in it fight for it......
Author lostboyuk Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 Lostboy, this is the saddest of ways to be in a relationship. My heart breaks for you and for her...She loves you but she can't seem to give herself to you with the relationship status quo...I don't think she's mean. I think she's with her Mum, talking about how she feels and is getting insights on aspects of your relationship that she may never reveal to you. Now she has the strength to say that this is not right for her....She is emotional and that probably means she loves you... I had a child within a relationship, that man was not her Father. It is hard for anyone having exs around let alone be controlled somewhat by them. You have no choice but she does and has put up with it. She has accepted you have kids but no one can know what being in relationship is like with someone with kids unless they have done it. Is there no way you can salvage this? Can you not go to her Mother and talk with her about your relationship with her daughter? Can you not ask her on what points you can concede? Final thought, she seems to have insecurities. Are you sure she isn't worried real or imagined that you just want a surrogate mum for these kids and maybe will leave her when they are bigger? Have you talked of marraige? Insecure women need lots of reassurance. Take her to couples therapy if she will agree. Don't let her go Thank you, it is such a shame. I did talk to her mum last time and broke down completely on her! Trouble is her mum struggles emotionally also, but the one thing talking to her told me is that her mum doesn't know her as well as I do for sure. She said things that didn't make sense which suggested she hadn't been completely open and honest with her mum. It's so frustrating to think that any advice people may be giving her is likely based on things that aren't necessarily right. I know I'm the only person she's ever really relaxed with and opened up. It's so wonderful to be together when that happens. As for the marriage thing, I was a little distant in the past about that (one of the problems previously as she talked about it as well as having our own kids) but since we got back together I've been open in talking about it, planning how I would propose and told her I wanted all of those things more than I ever did. I have asked her to try counselling with me (we tried some last year and it did help a little) but I don't think that's going to happen now, she's said it's over! I can't let her go but begin to wonder if that is now the only way she can truly realise what we had together. My heart continues to ache.....
Author lostboyuk Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 Just read your other thread lostboy. I am no expert but maybe somewhere you two may not have forgiven yourselves or eachother for the pain you caused when you got together. You both need to acknowledge that you are both flawed human beings as we all are. The hardest part is that you both cheated in your relationships, you both know that you are capable of this kind of deception. Could this ultimately have as someone else said mean that your relationship was built on sand. Trust is so hard to gain once it is lost.. It is hard when we are surrounded by so much negative energy. Being reminded of or coming into contact with ex will constantly remind her of what she did as will the problems with your eldest. I don't think these are HER emotional problems. It reads to me that these are just the facts of the situation that she simply can't deal with. There's a tangled mess of emotions here with the relationships to your kids, your ex, her family....You can work through it but IMHO you both need to see a relationship councillor and get support. You both gave up a life you knew for eachother, you put a lot of people ( including yourselves) through emotional pain and I'm guessing financial pain. If you can both be totally sure you aren't just staying because you have invested so much in it fight for it...... Wow, although I've thought about this quite alot I've never really seen it like this. There were many reasons for moving on from our previous relationships not just us, I think we were the catalysts to make us do what we knew we had to do. Def not any trust issues but the whole difficult start does play on my mind, I wonder now whether she had expectations of herself and her relationship with my kids, and her not realising those expectations may have made her feel worse about it. Maybe I should have told her that I didn't expect anything other than her to be a friend to them, I just didn't think about it before, I don't know what I expected I suppose. I took a bunch of therapy sessions back on Sept/Oct, she told me that I seemed to be very sensitive to my GFs needs and helped me search out my own feelings, trouble is we were getting back together at time so didn't seem as relevant. I want to fight so much and have fought and if I'm honest will never give up as I wouldn't be me otherwise. Sure I'll move on if I have to and be fine but to live life wondering what could have been will haunt me forever.
Recommended Posts