Anyone else a complete and utter mess?!

[lostboyuk]

I just can't cope with these feelings anymore. My first post is over in the breakups board, my GF left me in Sept 09 but I managed to get her back and she moved back into our home just 3 weeks ago. Things have been just great but a little shaky just before Xmas (due to me knowing I was going to be alone at Xmas). She went to her mums on Xmas Eve and phoned me 2 days ago to tell me it's over as what we had just isn't enough, despite what I know has been something amazing even recently.

 

I've been alone for 5 days now, got my kids (who love my GF very much) tomorrow and don't know how I'm going to cope. The tears won't stop, I haven't eaten, I'm surrounded by our life we built together for 3.5 years. I'm confused, worried about how we're going to sort the house out, I'm a senior manager in a large org and I already fell apart back in Sept but managed to get things back on track.

 

How the hell do I get through this?

[james65]

hi there,

 

if it is any consolation I am going through exactly the same thing...I actually don't know how I'm getting through this..I have been doing a lot of reading and must have read this quote about 500 times,

 

'Every adversity, every failure and every heartache carries with it the seed of an equivalent or a greater benefit'

 

I keep reminding myself that something incredible is going to come out of this and I am keeping my head above water until this happens...

 

I don't what else to say other than i am right there with you

[lostboyuk]

thanks james

 

It is a consolation, just very hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. I've also read quotes until they're coming out of my ears but the only ones that spark any real emotion are the ones that remind me why we were together in the first place! Hate feeling so damn weak, used to feel like a 'man' and didn't realise how one person can affect another to the point of complete desperation.

 

I'm so intrigued that we are all going through similar things but seem to find the words to help others although we fail to be able to help ourselves.

[nobmagnet]

ouch.

 

have you managed to talk to her to ask her why? I have to say having your kids around is a double edged sword when you are feeling as bad as you do. (hugs)

 

Try to keep busy and throw yourself into work....men seem to manage this better than women......soz but true. Cut yourself some slack. Try not to contact her unless you need to. My elderst daughter was not his. She is 17 and took it very badly. She hated him for putting me through my heartache and found it hard to express her feelings. Dont expect your kids to feel any one thing they are going thro this too. Let them get upset..try to be honest about the situation. Reassure them everything will be fine.

 

What she has done to you all is pants..........walk away........come back........walk away again. sucks

 

If you want her back she need to want to come back for keeps. She needs to pull her selfish head out of her ass and see the pain she is causing you all.

 

grrr soz but i feel for you. keep posting xx

[jms76]

Lost,

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

 

Have you thought about going to see your doctor and see if he/she can prescribed an anti-depressant or maybe even xanax? I know that this is not a solution but if you need to stay focused(work, kids) it may not be such a bad idea while you heal from your loss. If you decide to go this route, just be careful and don't over medicate. Again, I feel for you. I've been there as have a lot of your fellow LS readers.

[xoxo88]

I've been there too and it was horrible. Just horrible. I didn't think i would have a life again because you can't call that life. The most important thing during those times is power of will. No matter how horrible you feel you need to stick to basics like eating, sleeping and going to work. When i feel down i ask myself: is this helping me in anyway? NO! So i get up slowly and do some little things. After doing something no matter how meaningless it seems you detach a bit from your pain and move on with your ordinary day. You are just broken right now and suffering from depression. Read some guides about ovecoming it or go to a therapist. It is very important that you don't give up your basics activities. Besides losing the love of your life, you're gonna lose everything else if you do so. And how are you gonna pick yourself up off the floor when your life is a complete mess for real? I don't see how. So put a little effort to keep yourself at a minimum level of functionality. Write here to clear your mind, go alone for a walk, watch a movie (NOT romantic!!!), read a book, cry, scream, talk to a friend (NOt your ex) do everything that helps you get it off your chest but at the same time stick to your life. I really hope this could help you cause i've been there and i know how it feels. I wish you all the best

[lostboyuk]

I find myself saying thank you alot on here, my self confidence has been levelled lately and I'm sick of hearing myself talk to people about it and apologising for bothering them! But thank you so much.....

 

We only spoke for 20 mins the other day when she phoned to say it was over. The issues I've explained in detail in the breakups board but in a nutshell she struggles that I have kids and my ex has control in some way over our lives together, she struggles with things emotionally (just ignores/walks away from things that are difficult, even things that you or I wouldn't bat an eyelid at ) which I have always supported her with because I love her. She told me what we have isn't enough for her. She moved back in a few weeks ago after the most lovely week away ever where we both talked and learned so much, she said things that I'd never thought she'd say to me which made me feel we were really going to be ok at last.

 

I think her emotional problems are/have caused much of this, I've gently challenged her over the years becuase I don't want her to feel the way she feels about things that just aren't important. I can't be angry and I don't think she is actually being selfish in her mind (although this is the perception her actions create).

 

I simply love her, she is the most naturally beautiful person I have ever met and the attraction (therefore my grief) far extends the physical or even the explainable.

[cdt76]

Having your kids involved is the hardest thing. I know! You will go through waves of being ok, then really depressed. What you have to learn to do again is to be alone. IT SUCKS, believe me. But focus yourself on learning to be alone and to be ok being alone. I've spent the better portion of the past 6 months trying to figure out why she left me for another instead of trying to figure out how to be happy just being by myself. There is a lot of freedom in it and there is fun and happiness but you have to want to be alone first. It's taken me months, medication, therapy and talking to a lot of friends to get here but you have to try and you have to want to. I hope you can do it quickly.

[xoxo88]

From what you say i get that she has some problems with herself first of all. Maybe low self esteem, insecurity, fear is causing the problems you are talking about and they are also reflecting in your relationship. She must work on herself first and after that she might be able to work on a harmonious life next to a partner.

[curiousnycgirl]

I feel your pain. Today is day # 28 (yes 4 full weeks) of no contact - and while I am no longer a puddle of tears on the floor, I am still a mess.

 

All I can say is that now is the time for you to focus on yourself and your kids. Be totally selfish, especially when your kids are not around. Is there an activity you've been meaning to try? Do it. Something you've been needing to do but just never found the time? Well you've got that time now!

 

For me it was finding time to get to the doctor to deal with pain that has been bothering me for 1.5 years. Well I found that time and am now in physical therapy 3X a week. I am also finally able to spend hours of DAYLIGHT time with my horse. While with my ex the only time I could find to get to the barn was when the rest of the world was sleeping, which frankly wasn't any fun.

 

I've even lost a supposed friend (more of an acquaintance) because it appears she thought that once I had more time I would spend it with her. Sorry but now is about ME. I've never been selfish before in my life, and frankly at age 44+ I'm taking this time.

 

I know you think she is "the most naturally beautiful person" but i have to tell you the things she has issues with are UGLY. If she cannot embrace and love your kids, then frankly she is not worthy of your love.

 

Please stop thinking of her and please stop wanting to speak with her. Work on YOU. Do not contact her. I know it hurts and I know it sucks. But 28 days ago I was a puddle of tears on the floor - I would literally have >1 hour agonizing bawling fests, now it's just a few minutes and I can pull myself back together.

 

Hey to me, that's progress! I'm not saying I'm heeled, but I think I am better. I can almost guarantee that if I spoke with him today, I'd be pretty damn close to square 1. But still I think I'm better.

[lostboyuk]

Thank you all once again for your kind words.

 

I'm sure that's what I'll do (look after me as best as I can) and sure I'll come back one day. Difficult when so fresh and fragile still from the last time.

 

I know she needs to help herself too but I'm thinking now she's blaming the way she feels on our relationship and/or me which is simply self-reinforcing why she did this. My problem I think is that I love her and truly understand her so much that I know, I just know, if she could break down those barriers and denial she puts up we/she could be so incredibly happy. I wish I didn't understand her so well, I could believe and cope if she simply didn't love me or something! Good grief this is difficult!!!

[curiousnycgirl]

My problem I think is that I love her and truly understand her so much that I know, I just know, if she could break down those barriers and denial she puts up we/she could be so incredibly happy. I wish I didn't understand her so well, I could believe and cope if she simply didn't love me or something! Good grief this is difficult!!!

 

No you THINK you know - but you really don't. We all see potential in our ex's and we all say "if only" but the truth is that they don't want or can't realize that potential. Perhaps it's not really there, perhaps we are only seeing what we want to see.

 

In the end it's not the words they say, but the actions they take that really tell us who they are. My ex told me he loved me, all the while he was taking out his frustrations with life on me and never, not even once, trying to meet one of my articulated (as in I told him) needs. Everything hd to be his way - while he was yelling at me that I was trying to force him to do things my way.

 

Truth is he was never capable of returning the love I gave him, regardless of how hard I tried or how hard I wanted him to.

[nobmagnet]

curiousgirl is so right.

 

isnt she healing well???talk w hole lot of sence too. When my kids are with lonly I endulge in me! I plan a night or two out with freinds, have a party for girls, go shopping for meeeeeeee all the things I want allowed to do when he was here. I wear make up all the time (im not suggesting you do??!!!!! Ha ha) Do stuff you enjoy and relish the things she wouldnt enjoy. I told somebody on here to walk around in your scrollies, whatch as much sport/porn as you like, scratch you arse and fart when you like. simple little things help.

x

[lostboyuk]

thanks curiousnycgirl

 

I hear you and hope that I can maybe believe that's possible one day soon. The trouble is this isn't fresh feelings, I did so much soul searching back in Sept/Oct 1st time round and those conclusions are the ones I still stick with. The main resaon for that is that we talked about them prior to getting back together, she changed significantly in what she said and did. I was so patient with her because I knew she had to come to those conclusions herself, which she seemed to do eventually. One of her texts went something like "I know I've made mistakes and I'm just starting to understand things about myself and some of them are wonky, you're my number 1, you're a good un and I'm not going to let you go". It's like she forgets the good stuff and replaces it what what she thinks is bad but isn't, it's all created to reinforce her decision.

[nobmagnet]

its called re-writting relationship history to ease their consience. It sucks

[lostboyuk]

its called re-writting relationship history to ease their consience. It sucks

 

OMG you are so right, I thought I was beginning to doubt my thoughts in an attempt to find another, more rational explanation. I didn't realise that this is something others have experienced! Yes..... she's unhappy and part of that unhappiness is because of the way she deals with things therefore in an attempt to not address her issues properly tells herself it just isn't going to work and can't see what was good!

[nobmagnet]

yep! its like a "PING" moment when you realise they are trying to ease their guilt for the pain they inflict by consentrating on the difficult bits and forgetting the happy times. What bugs me is the fact most people that have been dumped re wite too. But its the opposite.........can only see the fun times. Does that make sence??

 

hee hee probably not! x

[HeavenOrHell]

I was a complete and utter mess for several weeks after my ex left (after 18 years if you haven't already seen any of my posts), I still am sometimes, 5 months on, I sometimes still bawl my eyes out, feel I can't stop and I get frightened, but I feel like that less and less now, it no longer seems like a non stop nightmare, just some of the time! I still have problems sometimes taking it in and accepting it because it is the last thing in my life I wanted to happen and because he said it would never happen again (he left twice 9 years ago), earlier this year I felt the most solid with him I have ever felt. What an idiot (me I mean).

I always felt he was the person for me even before we got together. Life feels incredibly lonely now, I've forgotten how to feel truly happy.

We're friends but it's not the same.

 

 

I just can't cope with these feelings anymore. My first post is over in the breakups board, my GF left me in Sept 09 but I managed to get her back and she moved back into our home just 3 weeks ago. Things have been just great but a little shaky just before Xmas (due to me knowing I was going to be alone at Xmas). She went to her mums on Xmas Eve and phoned me 2 days ago to tell me it's over as what we had just isn't enough, despite what I know has been something amazing even recently.

 

I've been alone for 5 days now, got my kids (who love my GF very much) tomorrow and don't know how I'm going to cope. The tears won't stop, I haven't eaten, I'm surrounded by our life we built together for 3.5 years. I'm confused, worried about how we're going to sort the house out, I'm a senior manager in a large org and I already fell apart back in Sept but managed to get things back on track.

 

How the hell do I get through this?

[nobmagnet]

Sorry it doesnt bug me thats wrong.........it upsets me. I did it too. Head in the clouds or sand. Only seeing the good times. When I realised it for what it really was........a relationship........ups and downs i kinda got mended. He didnt want me. He used the rewrite to excuse having an affaire and then leaving. Pillock.

[lostboyuk]

nobmagnet, yeah I can kinda see that's what I'm doing but my view on life is that if something feels good at any given time it can obviously feel that good, if it's tough you try, if it's tougher you try harder but what you don't do is give up on something without really giving it a go!

 

It's like an optimist pecimist scenario I suppose. don't get me wrong I was unhappy sometimes and wondered why I was doing this, my conclusion was always the same..... there is something I can't explain about our relationship that made us get together in the first place and you simply don't give up on something that you love....simples!

 

Heavenorhell, I feel so the same, how the hell are you staying friends? Is that not torturing you? I would love to be able to do that because she's by far my best friend and the kind of person I would want in my life?

[cdt76]

its called re-writting relationship history to ease their consience. It sucks

 

 

Good Lord did you ever hit the nail on the head in my experience! It also makes me feel like crap because she attempts to justify her cheating by blaming it on me!

[GrayClouds]

Likely it will be too hard to be friends, at least for a long time. Those who try usually it just keeps them from moving on.

 

First thing I would suggest is to take time to write down all of the the things that utterly and completely sucked about her. I would suggest starting with here way of ending the relationship, move on to how she was never really honest (she chose to be in a relationship with someone with kids but yet she is going to hold that against you?), and then onto how she would pick her nose and where granny panties. Nothing is too big or small. Write and add to that list, pull it out when you find your self missing her.

 

Then read and re-read the following:

The No Contact Guide

So you want a second chance?

 

Do what they say, starting with exercise first, a lot. It will help you feel better and in many ways. Then focus you and your children. This is a great gift you can give them, teaching them how to recover from a loss in a healthy, constructive way. If you need to talk find a professional, use friends and family. Find activities to use your time, keep you and the children moving.

 

Finally understand, almost everyone here has experienced and felt what you are feeling. It is natural and part of the process. There will be some really ****ty days and some not so bad follow by some more crappy days. Those in time it will get better. And if you keep the focus on yourself and your children you will be getting better too.

 

Let us know how your doing and be kind to yourself.

[lostboyuk]

Likely it will be too hard to be friends, at least for a long time. Those who try usually it just keeps them from moving on.

 

First thing I would suggest is to take time to write down all of the the things that utterly and completely sucked about her. I would suggest starting with here way of ending the relationship, move on to how she was never really honest (she chose to be in a relationship with someone with kids but yet she is going to hold that against you?), and then onto how she would pick her nose and where granny panties. Nothing is too big or small. Write and add to that list, pull it out when you find your self missing her.

 

Then read and re-read the following:

The No Contact Guide

So you want a second chance?

 

Do what they say, starting with exercise first, a lot. It will help you feel better and in many ways. Then focus you and your children. This is a great gift you can give them, teaching them how to recover from a loss in a healthy, constructive way. If you need to talk find a professional, use friends and family. Find activities to use your time, keep you and the children moving.

 

Finally understand, almost everyone here has experienced and felt what you are feeling. It is natural and part of the process. There will be some really ****ty days and some not so bad follow by some more crappy days. Those in time it will get better. And if you keep the focus on yourself and your children you will be getting better too.

 

Let us know how your doing and be kind to yourself.

 

Very very wise thank you so much, obviously I'm going to ignore everything you and everyone else says for a while and wallow in my own self pity but I'll get there somehow. Trouble is we've not even spoken about the 'practical stuff' yet so I know I can't really start healing until we've done that bit!

[HeavenOrHell]

Stayed friends, so far, because we're still close and are at ease with each other. But I may have to go NC, I still have feelings for him, although I feel I have let go to a certain extent, part of me wishes we could try again. I don't know what will happen but if he meets someone else no doubt it will crush me, but I wish I could cope with it because he means that much to me that I really hope friendship will be possible, I have no idea, although I have friends who have remained best friends even when they have met new partners.

But I do still fall apart at times (not in front of him of course, I have a lot of pride) yes it feels like torture at times but we also have a laugh and enjoy time together, at the moment I feel I would find it much worse to not see him.

 

Heavenorhell, I feel so the same, how the hell are you staying friends? Is that not torturing you? I would love to be able to do that because she's by far my best friend and the kind of person I would want in my life?

[nobmagnet]

sorry to pop your balloon............you might/ probably get a true resolve.

 

I havent. I do beleive that most people on here still ask why? Because we cant trully understand things, because we didnt instegate them, honesty by a WAH/WAW never seems to occur. To be fair from what you have written already she doesnt seem to have much of a resolve herself.

 

You have kids. She know that. She played second mum for 3.5 years. I dont get where he head is either.

 

head melt. Drop it. accept you will never know completely. We can and do find peace with the lack of true knowledge and move on. Acceptance will happen...............just not yet for you unfortunately. xx hugs

 

hey 1 1/2 hours for liverpool man!. wouldnt want them nerves!

xx