b52s Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Now....I can understand how women want to be safe when it comes to online dating. I had read that D-Lish waits a MONTH before actually setting up a meeting. To me, that's nuts.....I usually base it off the number of back and forth emails (or weeks) but typically the earlier. For example...say I start off corresponding with a woman on a Sunday.....and we do it once a day and then the weekend approaches, usually by then 5 or 6 emails have been passed back and forth. By the weekend, I ask for her number. If she says she's not comfortable yet....as a gentleman, I respect that....and will probably continue to correspond a bit longer (perhaps another week) with around the same number of emails. By the time the weekend approaches again....this time expect the digits, and then talk to her on the phone and make arrangements to meet for lunch or a drink. If by then, she still "isn't ready", I would have to move on....I'm just wasting my time then. A lot women use the "well, if he can't be patient, he's not worth it" card....and I don't buy it, she's just toying with a guy and being a "pen pal" to him, and chances are she's probably already seeing a guy you don't even know about. lol Now, I can understand how some guys will ask to meet in the first email...that's understandable. But a MONTH, D-Lish?..you might want to cut that in half at least. They say the sooner you meet the better, because if you let the correspondence go on TOO long, you'll: 1. Talk yourself out of it 2. Get cold feet and (see 1) 3. Build up some kind of expectation of the person in your head. This might not happen with some, but it's been known to be common. I was patient with a woman for a month, and finally after waiting THAT long....she STILL wouldn't meet....I got a bit piturbed and asked her, "Listen, are going to meet or what??" She got mad and told me not to email her again. Some of these women, I swear they want a pen pal not a date...or not even meet.
Bejita463 Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 I got a bit piturbed and asked her, "Listen, are going to meet or what??" She got mad and told me not to email her again. That would be my reaction if a woman said that to me, and I'm not the one who is danger from creepos. What made you think that was a good idea to say?
Author b52s Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 (edited) That would be my reaction if a woman said that to me, and I'm not the one who is danger from creepos. What made you think that was a good idea to say? I didn't say it that way, but I was sure thinking it, but I said it in a nice way....something like, "well, we've been talking for this long, so I figured it's a good enough time to meet" But, I think I might as well be saying "are we gonna meet or what?" to her. lol It was more along the lines of me "pressuring" her to meet....I said, "Well, I'm going to have to move on then, because if we haven't met by now, chances are you're just wanting pen pals and not actually wanting to meet" I figured I might as well try to argue her out of wanting to meet me anyhow....give her a reason, because she probably never planned on meeting anyway. Edited December 29, 2009 by b52s
Angel1111 Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Yeah, your annoyed reaction wouldn't have set well with me, either. When you reach that point with a person, just stop talking to them. If she asks you why you haven't written, tell her - politely. I think waiting a month is too long, too, because I'd prefer to meet that person before too much correspondence happens over the internet. But, I'm often uncomfortable with giving out my number because sometimes once a guy gets a girl's number, he can be relentless. This is one reason why I don't do online dating. Maybe that's what's bugging these women you're talking to. Instead of asking for their number, maybe give them options, like, "Hey, how do you feel about us meeting up? You can give me your phone number, or we can just agree on a place to meet - your call." I think that will help set them at ease.
Angel1111 Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 I didn't say it that way, but I was sure thinking it, but I said it in a nice way....something like, "well, we've been talking for this long, so I figured it's a good enough time to meet" Sorry, I didn't see this before I posted. That was a good response. I'm with you on this one - I wouldn't wait around forever, either. Online dating isn't about chatting for months on end. It's about making a connection and seeing if it pans out when you meet. You can't know if you click with that person by talking online.
CarrieT Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 It goes both ways; I don't have the time for a lengthy correspondence and would rather find out right off the bat if there is chemistry. My last two online dates were guys who put me off for a month and when we finally met, it was like meeting a single anchovy out of a can of limp fish. But I can understand some women wanting to make sure there is enough there to warrant meeting, but I agree that a month is too long if you are corresponding so much...
Author b52s Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 Yeah, your annoyed reaction wouldn't have set well with me, either. When you reach that point with a person, just stop talking to them. If she asks you why you haven't written, tell her - politely. I think waiting a month is too long, too, because I'd prefer to meet that person before too much correspondence happens over the internet. But, I'm often uncomfortable with giving out my number because sometimes once a guy gets a girl's number, he can be relentless. This is one reason why I don't do online dating. Maybe that's what's bugging these women you're talking to. Instead of asking for their number, maybe give them options, like, "Hey, how do you feel about us meeting up? You can give me your phone number, or we can just agree on a place to meet - your call." I think that will help set them at ease. You mean instead of asking for a phone number to talk on the phone, just up and arrange a meet? Hm....I still wonder if that would make them uneasy. It's almost the same...but you're taking it further....but I side with you still. I think women are too cautious. I wonder if they're this way on dating sites they PAY for?
Author b52s Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 It goes both ways; I don't have the time for a lengthy correspondence and would rather find out right off the bat if there is chemistry. My last two online dates were guys who put me off for a month and when we finally met, it was like meeting a single anchovy out of a can of limp fish. But I can understand some women wanting to make sure there is enough there to warrant meeting, but I agree that a month is too long if you are corresponding so much... Right...I think it's not about the time,but the AMOUNT of correspondence going on. I typically time it , then when the weekend is rolling around, that's considered "Date night" and you can ask them out then.
Bejita463 Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 You mean instead of asking for a phone number to talk on the phone, just up and arrange a meet? Hm....I still wonder if that would make them uneasy. It's almost the same...but you're taking it further....but I side with you still. I think women are too cautious. I wonder if they're this way on dating sites they PAY for? You think they are too cautious because you haven't yet had a chick hound you for weeks trying to get you to see her again despite your having already said no. They may have, or know someone who has. If you just offer to meet them without phone numbers involved, that can't happen. They can just leave if they don't like you and that is that. Not so, if you have their phone number.
Author b52s Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 You think they are too cautious because you haven't yet had a chick hound you for weeks trying to get you to see her again despite your having already said no. They may have, or know someone who has. If you just offer to meet them without phone numbers involved, that can't happen. They can just leave if they don't like you and that is that. Not so, if you have their phone number. I never had a problem of a chick hounding me....so...I can't respond in kind.
Bejita463 Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 I never had a problem of a chick hounding me....so...I can't respond in kind. That's kinda my point. For females, being incautious would be naive. Probably ultimately harmless, but naive. Some just take that caution too far, and that is unfortunate.
Angel1111 Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 You mean instead of asking for a phone number to talk on the phone, just up and arrange a meet? Hm....I still wonder if that would make them uneasy. It's almost the same...but you're taking it further....but I side with you still. I think women are too cautious. I wonder if they're this way on dating sites they PAY for? Based on the posts on this site, most women aren't cautious enough. Yeah, just agree to meet at a Starbuck's or something. You can tell a lot about a person in an hour or so coffee date. If you like each other, then talk about phone numbers and future dates.
Vintage79 Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 I've met enough womene online, and generally I'll only have sent 4-5 messages before we meet-up, which is usually something like coffee at Starbuck's, or a drink - nothing too fancy. It's almost impossible to get a realistic read on a person via e-mail, or even the phone, so I say just jump in. Safe, neutral territory is the way to go, and you'll likely spend less time at the actually meeting than you would have on another week of correspondence, and you learn so much more about actual compatibility...I say just meet them.
Mr Nice Guy Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Personally, I also think that a month can be a bit long, but it also depends on the person's personal situation and experiences too. Some people I've known have decided to suss out a situation with a person before making decisions they might regret. I do agree though that its like what's the point in replying if you just want to talk through email/ IM and not meet up eventually. I guess exercising caution can be fine if you want to be sure about the person before meeting, though sometimes one month can be very long for it. How about continually exercising caution after a first meeting though and putting some "distance" between meets and continuing to correspond online?
brokenglass Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 chances are she's probably already seeing a guy you don't even know about I am not sure about anyone else, but this is the situation with just about every woman I have dated off of a dating website since I've been single this year. As a matter of fact, this seems to be the situation with anyone I date IN GENERAL.
tigressA Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 I guess exercising caution can be fine if you want to be sure about the person before meeting, though sometimes one month can be very long for it.How about continually exercising caution after a first meeting though and putting some "distance" between meets and continuing to correspond online? I agree with this. I personally wouldn't wait a month to meet someone. I'd add another factor into it too--distance. In my situation, I met up with one guy after a week since we both go to the same school. I figured, why talk online for longer than that when it would be so easy to just meet up for coffee one day and find out if we like each other in person? Another guy (who I ended up choosing) lives further away--about a 2 hr. drive depending on traffic. I felt like corresponding with him longer would be better so a more solid connection would be established before meeting, because there was more of a risk involved. I still didn't wait a month for that though; it was 3 weeks.
Author b52s Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 I agree with this. I personally wouldn't wait a month to meet someone. I'd add another factor into it too--distance. In my situation, I met up with one guy after a week since we both go to the same school. I figured, why talk online for longer than that when it would be so easy to just meet up for coffee one day and find out if we like each other in person? Another guy (who I ended up choosing) lives further away--about a 2 hr. drive depending on traffic. I felt like corresponding with him longer would be better so a more solid connection would be established before meeting, because there was more of a risk involved. I still didn't wait a month for that though; it was 3 weeks. Funny, speaking f geography ....there was a woman that actually live RIGHt acrosst he main drag from my own neighborhood, and for the life of me I still couldn't get her to meet for coffee....she "wason't comfortable" yet....pshhhh
jw90063 Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 One of the best relationships I was in, was where I didn't meet the guy for over a month. Well, it was for a couple of other reasons, besides just not being ready. He did get impatient at times, but we still waited. I think you can get a good feel about the person to a certain extent, especially if they have a web cam, and if you have lenghty in depth conversations with them over the period of time. When I finally met this guy I waited for, nothing was different, only better. Of course, doesn't always work that way. I can understand a guy getting impatient waiting a month. Guys seem to get impatient after a couple days of waiting. If they can't at least wait a week or so, I think it's time to look else where. I mean it seems as if the guy isn't too respectful of your preferences. He should understand if you are simply not comfortable yet.
Crazy Magnet Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 I learned the hard way not to give out a phone number BEFORE the first date. I won't be doing that again. I make all arrangements online. That way, if it's awful, I don't have to worry about incessant texts and phone calls. A think a month is a little long to meet, but I've got some stretching out to that with the holidays and everything going on. Some guys I've met in two days. It depends on the feel I get from the first few emails on how long I wait to meet someone. Any remote creeper vibe and I start pushing the meet date back, zero creeper vibe, bring it on!
jw90063 Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 I learned the hard way not to give out a phone number BEFORE the first date. I won't be doing that again. I make all arrangements online. That way, if it's awful, I don't have to worry about incessant texts and phone calls. A think a month is a little long to meet, but I've got some stretching out to that with the holidays and everything going on. Some guys I've met in two days. It depends on the feel I get from the first few emails on how long I wait to meet someone. Any remote creeper vibe and I start pushing the meet date back, zero creeper vibe, bring it on! What about people who give out their full name an number prior to the first date. Now how awesome is that. Or, no I have actually given my number out, but just my cell. Not my home phone. This would be after chatting with them online first. I never give my full name until later one, if I think they are sane.
Crazy Magnet Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 What about people who give out their full name an number prior to the first date. Now how awesome is that. Or, no I have actually given my number out, but just my cell. Not my home phone. This would be after chatting with them online first. I never give my full name until later one, if I think they are sane. Are you on facebook? What do you do about that? Lots of people whom I have met online want to add me, I just say no. My LIFE is on there! All I have is a cell...
Author b52s Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 I learned the hard way not to give out a phone number BEFORE the first date. I won't be doing that again. I make all arrangements online. That way, if it's awful, I don't have to worry about incessant texts and phone calls. A think a month is a little long to meet, but I've got some stretching out to that with the holidays and everything going on. Some guys I've met in two days. It depends on the feel I get from the first few emails on how long I wait to meet someone. Any remote creeper vibe and I start pushing the meet date back, zero creeper vibe, bring it on! I refuse to meet, if they aren't willing to talk on the phone first.
jw90063 Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Are you on facebook? What do you do about that? Lots of people whom I have met online want to add me, I just say no. My LIFE is on there! All I have is a cell... I have an account, but rarely use it. I wouldn't put anything on there (that everyone can view) except an email address. I noticed how some people put up everything, even go as far as mentioning their home address. I don't find that a good idea, especially being some of their profiles aren't entirely private.
Angel1111 Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 I refuse to meet, if they aren't willing to talk on the phone first. You might want to revise your policy on this.
mansquito Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Dude here. I'm not currently on any dating sites, but when I was, I'd usually suggest we take it to real email in the second or third message, and ask her out after the first email (in which I also provide my number.) My email gets her my real last name, so she can google me (and probably check me against the sex offender registry or something.) Giving her my number without asking her for hers showed her that I was serious without laying too much pressure on. If she wanted to talk before the date, she could call me. If she's going to be late or something, she has my number already. 90% of the time, the first date happened within a week and a half of my opener. I didn't have much patience for the ones who wanted to string the exchanges along for a month or two. I was looking for dates, not penpals.
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