Susmay Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 About a year ago I discovered my H on a dating website and at the same time found out that he'd had a long affair. At D-day he confessed to some other indiscretions as well. These were visits to massage parlours, as well as meeting with 4 women in total from dating websites but nothing sexual happened with any of them. Ever since he has been adamant that the only actual sex he has had, has been with the A partner and at the massage parlours although he admits that his purpose in meeting with the other dating website women was sex but it never happened. This is all bad stuff, and to be honest I wouldn't ever have found out about the massage parlours if he hadn't told me. He claims that once I found out the worst thing - which to him was the A as he really loved the OW and felt it was the only real threat to our marriage then he thought it best to come clean about the rest so it wouldn't come back to haunt us later. Since D-day he has been giving his all to rebuild our marriage. There was initially some trickle truth but it was all details of what actually happened with his AP and the other women. I have discovered no further evidence of sex with anyone else or another A. The trouble is my "gut" feeling (call it intuition) is that there have been other sexual relationships with other women - maybe not very long lasting. At the same time clearly my "gut" feeling is not all that reliable as while I realized there was something wrong in our marriage and that he lied to me occasionally (how could I be so blind?) I never even seriously suspected infidelity as he is such a "good" man if somewhat secretive. My doubts are now hindering our marriage recovery. He continues to insist there is nothing more and isn't what he's told me bad enough? Does anyone know of any way of either finding out the truth for sure or of me just "accepting" that I will never know the truth. It would be so sad for us and our kids if he's telling the truth but all our efforts come to naught because I think he lied to me about this.
TaraMaiden Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 When you say 'D day', are you actually divorced?
anne1707 Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 D-day is usually the day when it all hits the fan when the BS finds out about the affair
Natureofbeast Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 I am not a veteran on this forum but am a veteran of this battle. I think there is a bold clue in what he said, to you, "Isn’t what I told you, bad enough". Men tend to hold to a different standard of "honesty" even when they decide to quote/unquote, come "clean". ( and to be fair that might be symptomatic of all APs whether, Man/Woman or OW. Now that said there may likely be more details or even indiscretions, but you may find it a very difficult to get all the "details" from him. For starters, they have selective memory–and especially if enough time has elapsed in which, they tend to rewrite some of their own history. Making themselves look less "bad" too the already wounded partner. And yeah this is where the OW–using OW speak-- often get "thrown under a bus". Biggest motivation is 2 fold: self protective and an act of protection for the BS they love–or at least loved once–ie WIFE. The culprit is usually lies of omission. Which some men, honestly do not even see as a lie. & Its just not instinctual for them to dig a deeper hole for themselves to get out of. Most people, in any stable form of mind will not run out in front of a bus. Not consciously. Have you been to MC? Sometimes it easier for a counselor to explain to the AP why the BS needs to know all the details to heal. On the other hand they can also help explain to the BS, why the AP is not able to "remember" all the details or willing to come completely clean–shall we say. D -day generally beens discovery day.
jmargel Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Susmay, what if there are other women. Will it change anything? He has already cheated on you with multiple women, doesn't matter if he didn't have sex with them.. He had the intention of sleeping with them. You will have that feeling probably for the rest of the marriage, because you have no trust in him. In my situation my wife was meeting up with her ex-bf the first year of our marriage. She keeps insisting there was no sex, but to me that didn't make a difference. She cheated. Will I truly ever know if she did? Nope. It's something that I have to accept and it does truly hurt the marriage to this day. When you lose trust, you lose faith in your partner. The bond is broken and you will never feel the same as you did for that person. I learned to not let my imagination run wild, it doesn't do any good. Learn to set strict boundaries and have confidence in yourself that the reason they did this wasn't because of us. They did this due to their own selfish, dysfunctional personalities. Unless they get to the root of their issues, good chance this will happen again. You need to get checked for STDs, you should also be in some sort of counseling. You will be on a roller coaster ride for a long time. It's a matter of how much you can accept from all of this and living with the possible expectation that this might happen again. He might be trying now, but what about a couple of years from now? Not only did he cheat, but he lied. Doesn't matter if he came forward with it, that was way too late. You can't trust someone just because they said 'Well, I did sleep with someone, loved her, and dated other women with the expectation of sex. But, you can trust me babe, because I told you about it a year later'. Wrong! As a guy myself, it's hard to say if he has come forward with all the women. But sleeping with someone, telling them they love them, deceiving, lying and putting your health at risk is alot right from the start. Often these types of marriage that have infidelity in it are a parent-child relationship. The cheated being the parent, the cheater being the child. What would you do if your teenager stole or did something bad? You would make them face the consequences. If you don't make him face consequences for his behavior he will do this again because he has not gained any respect for you. Be confident that you can move on without him, let him know this. Start doing things for yourself, start setting short term goals that don't include him. Make him realize what he has done, that just talking about it is not going to solve the issue. He has to feel what he did. This would be also a good time to look at what your role has been in the marriage. What you can do to improve yourself, though what he did was awful, try to take something positive out of it.
TaraMaiden Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 D-day is usually the day when it all hits the fan when the BS finds out about the affair *Sigh*.....so incredibly advanced in so many ways, so dumbas5h1t in others.... thanks both.....!!
Author Susmay Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 (edited) Thank you for the replies. To answer a few inquiries: 1. By D-day I meant "discovery of infidelity day". We are still together trying to get our marriage back on track and are not contemplating divorce. 2. I was tested for STDs immediately, and again a few months later. 3. We went to MC together and we each went individually to counseling. I think the issue facing us now (and there have been many over the last year), as a couple of posters have said is "trust". I know I still don't trust that he has fully come clean about the past, even though he says he has and our counselors and I have both indicated to him that it is essential. I do however trust that he has been faithful since D-day and also trust that he really and absolutely wants to do the right thing now. He has mostly been a "good' person and says that he "went off the rails". He says he will recognise this tendency in himself when/if it starts to occur again, and will talk to me about it and we'll work through it together. I believe him when he says he loves me, but that he loved his OW too. At D-day he had the opportunity to leave to be with his OW and to have an ongoing relationship with his children. Finances would not be an issue as we are relatively well off, independently of each other. These things he says, I trust to be true. It has got to the stage now that even though a few extra women make no difference to me, it's the continued lying over the past year that would be the deal breaker. It would set me and him back a long way and of course he knows it. There is a part of me that says I need to put it in the past and trust that at D-day when he said he revealed all, that he did in fact reveal all. It was traumatic for both of us and basically the revelations came pouring out of him. He has maintained since that it was an opportunity to come clean about everything and even though we were both in a bad way he recognised that if we could get through it all at the time, then there might be a chance for him to start afresh with a clean slate and that if he didn't take up that opportunity then it would hang over him forever that there was still something for me to find out that would blight any recovery we made. Are there WHs who actually feel this way - that it's best to come completely clean in the hope of starting afresh? Edited December 30, 2009 by Susmay
seren Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I suspect I have H's version of the truth. I also think that he doesn't really address his feelings toward OW at that time and how he was caught up in the newness of it all. He 'forgets' a lot has told me what he thinks are the main bits and for me the main bit is that he cheated, end of, it wouldn't matter if he had OOW once he crossed the line that was that. However we are very much together and he has become the H I fell in love with, trust with OW? yes. Trust with my heart like he used to have? no.
foreal Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 At the same time clearly my "gut" feeling is not all that reliable as while I realized there was something wrong in our marriage and that he lied to me occasionally (how could I be so blind?) I never even seriously suspected infidelity as he is such a "good" man if somewhat secretive. . Give yourself and your gut more credit. Your gut was right, you knew something was wrong in your M- you did not SERIOUSLY suspect infidelity, but your gut kinda itched didn't it? Him being a good man made you think nahhh, no way, and yet, you had that flash once or twice, right? Your gut is spot on. Listen to it.
seren Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Give yourself and your gut more credit. Your gut was right, you knew something was wrong in your M- you did not SERIOUSLY suspect infidelity, but your gut kinda itched didn't it? Him being a good man made you think nahhh, no way, and yet, you had that flash once or twice, right? Your gut is spot on. Listen to it. I so agree with Foreal on the gut thing, I too had a ' I am sure he is seeing someone' thing and asked only to be told of course not. Wish I had chased it up. The gut thing just should not be ignored.
dazzle22 Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Women's gut feelings are usually right, however, how are you going to get more out of him? Stretch him on a medieval rack? "Nature of the Beast" has some remakable insights. I have marked this page in my "favorites" because she explained men's maneuverings SO WELL. I personally think there is nothing wrong with the betrayed spouse wanting to know everything, and I think the betrayer needs to answer any question the wronged spouse has. He has betrayed you and lied a VERY LONG time, so it is little wonder you have no trust. I would essentially give him NONE, and make him accountable everyday for ALL his movements. That would be the PRICE of such betrayal. Don't know that I could do it actually..
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