Day 2 - what do I do next?

[lostboyuk]

Hey all, following my first thread yesterday http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t215183/ I really need some advice on practicalities.

 

So my GF of 3.5 years left me over the phone 2 days ago, I'm obviously still a complete mess and have spent the last 5 days alone. The issue is that we live/used to live together, all our stuff is intertwined, we bought most of it together and she still has absolutely all her stuff here at home. She's currently visiting her mum for Xmas so will need to come back soon before work next week.

 

I'm having my kids (from previous M) tomorrow and going to see family over the new year and I have a feeling that her plans will be to come back here and take some of her stuff. This will kill me, it's unbearable because I went through it only a few months ago when she first left me. There are Christmas presents unopened under the tree for her and for me, I woke up in tears again this morning, I don't know what to do. Not heard from her since Sunday.

 

• Do I just let her and deal with the pain?
  
• Do I make sure she can't get in the house while I'm not there?
  
• Do I contact her and ask her what her plans are so I can prepare my head?
  
• Do I put her stuff somewhere so she can get it?
  

Very confused and a little frightened.....

[Simon Attwood]

 

• Do I just let her and deal with the pain?
  
• Do I make sure she can't get in the house while I'm not there?
  
• Do I contact her and ask her what her plans are so I can prepare my head?
  
• Do I put her stuff somewhere so she can get it?

 

1. Can you do anything to stop her?

2. Are you concerned that she will take things that she has no right to take? If so then I think you should tell her that you think it best done if you are both there, and have a third party present, this may stop her kicking off.

3. When I found myself in a similar situation, I found that writing out a contract with all available options really helped. Who's is what, who takes what, who's left with what, who has the house, etc. It takes resolve though.

4. No, I don't think that would be a good idea, you'll only get "Why did you touch my stuff!?!?". Avoid doing anything that will provide an excuse to escalate conflict, but without being weak!!

[lostboyuk]

Thanks

 

I could stop her coming in the house, it's more to do with the gut wrenching feeling it creates when she comes to our home while I'm not here and removes pieces of her/us. Don't really care about possessions/who gets what really.

 

It's just that (if you read my previous thread) I was so patient with her last time, she didn't have to live up to the consequences or responsibilities that she created by ending it, I'm not angry, I love her. There's no conflict or agression between us at all but she's just running away from everything and must realise the full extent of her actions.

[TaraMaiden]

Do I just let her and deal with the pain?

No, you can't just let her walk all over you roughshod.

 

This would depend on whether her name is on the mortgage/lease document....but

Do I make sure she can't get in the house while I'm not there?

If you have time, change the locks, because if she has no legal right to enter, then there's no reason why she should. Key or no, if she's not contributing to mortgage/rent, and her name doesn't appear on the property documents, then you ahve the right to exclude her. Sure....

Do I contact her and ask her what her plans are so I can prepare my head?

 

It would be wise but not to ask her.

To tell her that if she would like to retrieve her property, she can get in touch with you, and you can agree a mutually acceptable time.

You don't ask her anyhting.

You TELL her that this is the way it's going to be....

This does two things:

it permits you to get your head straight, and permits you to take control of what is happening to you, right now.

You must try - because this is very, very important - to separate your emotional reasoning, from your practical/rational reasoning.

The former is bound to land you in trouble sooner or later.

The latter is the one that will conquer and make sure that practically at least, you are not stripped bare and hung out to dry.....

Do I put her stuff somewhere so she can get it?

 

yes, good idea.

Ask a mutual friend if you can leave it with them, then get her to pick it up from there.

That way, you don't even have to meet her.

If she wants to stop by the house, then either have someone neutral with you when she calls, or have someone else be there, so you don't have to be.

[skydiveaddict]

Hey all, following my first thread yesterday http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t215183/ I really need some advice on practicalities.

 

 

• Do I just let her and deal with the pain?
  
• Do I make sure she can't get in the house while I'm not there?
  
• Do I contact her and ask her what her plans are so I can prepare my head?
  
• Do I put her stuff somewhere so she can get it?
  

Very confused and a little frightened.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

follow # 1 just let her come get her stuff .. BUT DONT BE THERE you've been w/ her long enough, she's not going to rip you off even if she does take a few things that belong to you so what? they are just bad memories better gotten rid of anyway from this moment, start to move on. she's gonna do what she wants, so let her, and then let it go

[lostboyuk]

Thanks again all.

 

I just can't get my head round it all, only a couple weeks ago we were trying so hard to get ourselves back together (in fact we weren't trying at all, it was perfectly natural), now despite the promises she made to me I have to go through all this again, we only moved her stuff back in here 3 weeks ago! Guess I should be angry but I just can't.

 

She's entitled to come to the house but becuase of the way she's done this I feel I deserve some respect for my feelings?

[Simon Attwood]

There's no conflict or agression between us at all but she's just running away from everything and must realise the full extent of her actions.

 

Then let her go, but not without letting her know that it's not what you want. Don't completely disappear, have courage. If she comes back, it will only be when she is ready and feels safe enough to do so.

[lostboyuk]

Thanks, despite all advice letting go is not something I can't do after only 2 days, kinda wish I could. I can't think straight enough to make any decisions right now.

 

I've got my kids for a few days who adored my GF and already thought she'd gone once but then she came back, I don't know what to tell them and how I'm going to be fit enough to look after them. They were so happy a couple of weeks ago when she came back home after 3 months, they've been through so much and don't deserve to be upset again. I know kids are tough cookies but do you know what, it just isn't right, I'm having to cope with my own pain as well as theirs because she has decided we aren't enough for her.

[nobmagnet]

with you there love.

 

I have two kids with my WAH. and one that isnt his but have known him since she was 7.

He didnt think of the consequenses of his actions one bit.......hey still doesnt! I was left to pick up the devastation he left behind. Cope with questions like " why are you not good enough for daddy??" "why cant you make him love you? Its your fault he has gone I hate you......"

 

It sucks but they are getting better. Keep them busy. So busy they hardly notice. Panto, cineama...ect. Smile as much as you can and hide your pain.

 

How old are they?

 

I sometimes wish we could video the aftershock and post it to them so see what they caused. Hell im not sure ut would effect my lowly........selfish pratt would think we were over reacting!

 

stay as strong as you can

x

[HeavenOrHell]

I feel for you, I get frightened too but this does lessen with time. 5 months since I was left after 18 years, I've felt every emotion possible.

No, course you can't let go after 2 days, I still haven't.

For months I felt I was trapped in a never ending nightmare, but things are easing.

Hang in there buddy.

[lostboyuk]

For months I felt I was trapped in a never ending nightmare, but things are easing.

 

It sure is like you say a never ending nightmare, non-stop pain that never seems to stop no matter what I do! I'm constantly thinking thinking thinking (maybe that's a man thing, trying to make sense of stuff, fixing stuff you know).

 

Funny, something else just came back to me that she said just a few weeks ago as we were getting back together. We were in the kitchen cooking food and drinking wine and she asked "is there anything I can do differently when I come back home?" to me this was the most refreshing sign that she had started to see things differently at long last and our problems weren't just about the things that didn't matter, some were down to her. I replied "just let me love you", to this she completely broke down and said something like 'I'm so sorry I know what you mean now'. It was like walking out into cold crisp air and I felt like I could breathe after months of turmoil and pain.

 

If she hated me and I treated her badly or I'd done something inexcusable I'd get this but I didn't, so for now I think I'll just have to live in my little nightmare!

[HeavenOrHell]

I couldn't switch off about it all for the first 3 months, I think about it a lot still but it's not constant now. It went round and round my head constantly, trying to make sense of it and trying to get my head around it.

The week before he said he was definitely going (we'd lived in limbo for about 3 months while he worked out if wanted to stay or go) he said things which made it seem he didn't want to go and that it would be ok, but he still went. I can't make sense of some of the things he said, I guess he was confused and said conflicting things, wanted things to be ok.

I did nothing inexcusable, I was very busy and he felt neglected the last 2 years, but I feel pretty crappy that I wasn't given a second chance.

 

 

It sure is like you say a never ending nightmare, non-stop pain that never seems to stop no matter what I do! I'm constantly thinking thinking thinking (maybe that's a man thing, trying to make sense of stuff, fixing stuff you know).

 

Funny, something else just came back to me that she said just a few weeks ago as we were getting back together. We were in the kitchen cooking food and drinking wine and she asked "is there anything I can do differently when I come back home?" to me this was the most refreshing sign that she had started to see things differently at long last and our problems weren't just about the things that didn't matter, some were down to her. I replied "just let me love you", to this she completely broke down and said something like 'I'm so sorry I know what you mean now'. It was like walking out into cold crisp air and I felt like I could breathe after months of turmoil and pain.

 

If she hated me and I treated her badly or I'd done something inexcusable I'd get this but I didn't, so for now I think I'll just have to live in my little nightmare!

[lostboyuk]

Boooo to the emotionally irresponsible and immature people that wreck our lives with their shortsightedness and selfish ways, that's what I say!.....

 

.....God I love her so much though! Hehe!

[nobmagnet]

you love the thought of her.............take those tinted specs off mate!

 

Reality will take its place. xx