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told him how many people I have slept with...now he doesnt want to see me again

ladyjane83

By ladyjane83
in Dating

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amymarieca Established Member

amymarieca

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So we talked. He apologised. I told him that it made me feel like I wasnt good enough etc even though I had done nothing wrong. He said he didnt mean to make me feel that way etc. He said it hasnt changed his opinion of me as a person and that he still thinks I'm beautiful and a great person (and lots of other nice things) he just always thought that he would have a problem with his gf (or potential gf) having had been with more people than him (even if it is only one more) but that he wouldnt know unless he tried. Basically it came down to not that he WOULD be thinking about it all the time...but was worried that it would be. And we said that we should at least try...He told me that it may be a problem for him and that he doesnt want to hurt me, but I said that he has told me that and if I want to still give us a try then thats my choice. He said that he even talked to his friend about it (means he does like me...other girls he has just blown off) and that even his mum and nan said he should meet me! (i didnt even know they knew about me!) anyway...we are meeting next week. My choice.

 

So this whole situation kind of sounds like a job application. You put in your resume of good things about yourself to try and impress this guy hoping that he will want to take you as the role of his girlfriend. Why does the ball get to be completely in his court? It seems like he is the one making all the decisions, when really you should be questioning why he should be able to date you as well. Why do you like this guy so much? It seems like way too much emotional investment in someone whose standards are impossibly high. The only thing he should be concerned with about your sexual past is that you don't have and STD. Other than that, it's none of his business!

threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

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Anyone else find it strange that a full grown man is asking his mother's and grandmother's opinion about dating someone who's not a virgin? :confused:

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

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Anyone else find it strange that a full grown man is asking his mother's and grandmother's opinion about dating someone who's not a virgin? :confused:

 

And if this relationship progresses and she meets his friends and family, they will all know how many people she has slept with :eek:

Phateless Established Member

Phateless

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And if this relationship progresses and she meets his friends and family, they will all know how many people she has slept with :eek:

 

Big deal. She's a grown woman and can do what she wants.

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

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Big deal. She's a grown woman and can do what she wants.

 

But isn't it her decision who should know that kind of personal information

Phateless Established Member

Phateless

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But isn't it her decision who should know that kind of personal information

 

Agreed. This dude is definitely out there in terms of controlling and insecure.

threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

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Maybe I missed it, but is there a cultural element involved in this?

 

To make matters worse, the OP has to push this guy to date her?

 

With what he's said, he's already given himself an out, at any given time, with the ability to fall back on "but I told you right from the start that this is just a test and I've found that the test didn't work out".

 

And yet, I can't fault this guy since he's being upfront and it's up to the OP whether she, as an adult, is willing to take the chance.

InspiredbyYou Established Member

InspiredbyYou

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This guy reminds me of the type of nut job that would be scrutinizing who did what to your body in the past as he is having sex with you and also the type who would ask you how you learned to do this and that in bed and create a crazy fight over you being too good at performing a specific sexual act or move.

 

Absolutely nothing good can come from this pairing but logic has left the building.

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ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

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Anyone else find it strange that a full grown man is asking his mother's and grandmother's opinion about dating someone who's not a virgin? :confused:

 

ha, nooo he didnt tell them/ask them about that! they just asked about me in general and when he is planning on seeing me next

threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

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ha, nooo he didnt tell them/ask them about that! they just asked about me in general and when he is planning on seeing me next
Oh, so you've met them before?
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ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

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nooo, he told them he is dating someone and about me

threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

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nooo, he told them he is dating someone and about me
So how do you know what they discussed about you?
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ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

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I dont, but im assuming he wouldnt have discussed this with them. Like most people wouldnt have. My parents know Im dating him and they ask the same things; about him, when I'm next seeing him etc...but I wouldnt discuss this with them. You have to make some assumptions dont you.

threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

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It's up to you if you want to make assumptions. I'm not going to press this issue.

 

But why do you need to date this guy? Why push him to date you? Proving yourself worth dating, is an exercise in futility.

CrestfallenNoMore Established Member

CrestfallenNoMore

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I'm glad you worked it out to your own personal satisfaction, but I want to note one thing that really stuck out for me.

 

You kept referring to "wasting your time" multiple times here. Are you sure your motivation to keep trying isn't because you are already invested and maybe don't want to admit defeat? It your decision to continue perhaps, on some level, ego-driven because you've created this "We're so great for each other" image?

 

I know you guys have been communicating a lot, which often creates the feeling of intimacy, but you've just had two dates. This is the stage when you should be looking for and identifying red flags, and two dates and some texts/e-mails is not "wasted time"; it's dating. You're identifying the aspects about him that may or may not work with you.

 

So, you've learned a lesson, seen a flag related to his rigidity and the fact that when an issue raises its ugly head, he elects to just avoid it, pretend it doesn't exist, and go to bed. I think it's great that he was willing to talk about it later, but you were put in the situation to chase him down and make this happen and having been in that situation, all I can say is that it will get very tiring to deal with. It's a poor communication dynamic.

 

I won't pretend to know what's best for you, but maybe just think about some of these things, and proceed with caution if you elect to.

CrestfallenNoMore Established Member

CrestfallenNoMore

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But why do you need to date this guy? Why push him to date you? Proving yourself worth dating, is an exercise in futility.

 

TBF summed it up more succinctly than I did. :) This a good question to think about, and it strikes me as a large part for why you are continuing on with him

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ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

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All I know is that his mum knows about me..how am I meant to know what he has told her? There's know way of knowing so its not something I will worry about. Yeah, I cant assume that he hasnt mentioned it..but you cant assume that he has either. This really isnt an important part of this to me.

 

I dont NEED to date him, but I want to get to know him better and see where it goes because I like what I know so far. The way I see it is he has a preference that to him is important...he needed to find out this information before investing too much time/feelings, so he asked and I'm guesing that cant have been easy for him to do. Yeah lots of people would have told him to P*** off then, but obviously it didnt bother me as much as it bothers other people, thats just me. We have talked, I have given him some respect for being so honest. Like I said its not that he WILL be thinking about it all the time, but worried that he MIGHT be, but that we wont know unless we give it a go and he wants to forget it because there are so many other positives. So thats what we are going to do, forget it and continue to get to know each other better. But trust me...if it comes up again then I'm out of there. In no way did I have to convice him/push him to give me "chance".

CrestfallenNoMore Established Member

CrestfallenNoMore

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Fair enough. I'm still concerned that you're so emotionally tied to this idea that you are as close to his perfect match as he is going to find, and your focus is on what you have built up in your mind -- what you want to believe you could be together -- rather than paying attention to the red flags that are being presented to you now.

 

I certainly respect your ability to make decisions for yourself, so good luck and I hope it all works out exactly however you want it to. :)

Edited by CrestfallenNoMore
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ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

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Im still talking to another couple of guys from the dating site too, so its not like Im investing all my time on him. But people keep saying "your only dating, dont get invested"...and thats my point, yeah at the moment we are only dating, so to me there is no harm in going continuing to date and see how it goes getting to know each other...its not like im planning on marrying him!

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ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

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I dont have poor self esteem thank you. I find it strange how people on here talk about the OP as if they arent here to read it.

  • 2 weeks later...
tigereyes1428 Established Member

tigereyes1428

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honey this man is single for that reason - how dare he judge you on exes never mind what they do for a living - how on earth is that any of his business - he needs helps and has done you the biggest ever favour - bet his prob is cos you have slept with one more person than him - idiot -

dont sell yourself short and next time - i would refuse to discuss previous partners that early on with someone.

love is not a checklist of critieria -

good luck

x

Zeta4PhiSius Member

Zeta4PhiSius

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Oh my God...ummm...WOW.

 

Ditching a girl because she has had 5 boyfriends? What a LOSER. :mad:

 

That is far from promiscuous in my book.

 

Sounds like someone got cold feet and became afraid that he found what he was looking for and used that as an excuse to find something wrong with you rather than doing anything with you for a valid reason.

 

You'll do much better than a jerk like that.

soserious1 Established Member

soserious1

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The guy let her know before even going out that he had a list

of qualities he was looking for in a potential romantic partner, he also let her know that he wasn't into women

who'd had a lot of partners.

 

He let her know after date #2 that her partner count was too high for him to deal with.He was polite, respecrful about it.

 

Straight, to the point without wasting months of either person's time. I fail to see a problem here.

Ilovehim Established Member

Ilovehim

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its amazing to me how some guys will date a woman who has kidas at the age 20 and others wont date you because u have slept with 5 guys at 25...which is not a big number..i am 20 and have slept with 3 guys...and none of them were one night stands..known all 3 of them for years...2 of them we were dating and one was a serious relationship...if i was in your shoes i would move on because thats a deal breaker for me..--too jeudgmental

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