told him how many people I have slept with...now he doesnt want to see me again

[ladyjane83]

I think you are trying too hard to convince yourself that he is actually interested. Fact is, he brought up something he views as a dealbreaker second date, and you didn't fit the mold. And so, there you go. If it didn't matter so much to him, he wouldn't have mentioned it so soon.

 

I get that he obviously isnt interested anymore. What is bothering me and what I keep saying is that it is obviously something that is very important to him and a major dealbreaker..so why bother meeting me and getting to know me. I told him before our first date that I'd had 5 boyfriends...so he should have thought then that there is a possibility that I may have slept with 5 people, I would have thought that would have definitly occurred to him if it is a number that he doesnt find agreeable.

[thatguy85]

He sucks, and is incredibly immature. Let him go.

[callingyouuu]

I told him before our first date that I'd had 5 boyfriends...so he should have thought then that there is a possibility that I may have slept with 5 people, I would have thought that would have definitly occurred to him if it is a number that he doesnt find agreeable.

 

Sometimes what we think that other people have assumed is different from what is actually assumed by the other person. For many people, the number of boyfriends/girlfriends you have is dramatically different from the number of sexual partners. In his mind, you could have 5 boyfriends and have slept with anywhere from 0 to 5000 people. I think he meant to ask the two questions separately to obtain two different pieces of information about you, and you're assuming that he should have interpreted one from the other.

 

I think when you told him you had 5 boyfriends, you passed test 1, so he continued. A few dates later, he springs test 2, in which case you don't quite fit what he's looking for. He wasn't intending to waste your time, in my opinion. In any case, it's his preference, and also his loss.

[sagetalk]

I told him before our first date that I'd had 5 boyfriends...

 

5 boyfriends means 5 boyfriends, it does not mean 5 sex partners (or even 1 for that matter). Don't beat yourself up over it. You want a guy that wants you, not rejects you. I've been dropped after 1 date before, you just have to move on and not let it eat away at you.

[Agoraphobianebula]

I get that he obviously isnt interested anymore. What is bothering me and what I keep saying is that it is obviously something that is very important to him and a major dealbreaker..so why bother meeting me and getting to know me. I told him before our first date that I'd had 5 boyfriends...so he should have thought then that there is a possibility that I may have slept with 5 people, I would have thought that would have definitly occurred to him if it is a number that he doesnt find agreeable.

 

Why do dogs lick themselves? why is the sky blue? why? why? why? who cares why anyone does anything? The ONLY person that can answer this question is him. Not us.

 

I know it's frustrating, it always is when it comes to dating but you can't expend energy questioning people's motives. They do what they do because they can.

[H1N1]

I'm just wondering if the guy's a virgin or hasn't had sex much (haven't read the entire thread). If not, maybe he's got religious or personal hangups. I think that in any case you're better off without him.

 

I think that guys who don't get laid a lot are self conscious about sex and their sexual identity. They might say crap on the surface like "Oh, I'm a virgin because I believe that sex is special and I just don't give it out to people," but I suspect that in reality they're dealing with sexual (intimacy-related) frustration. I think guys feel uncomfortable when they are dealing with a woman who's more experienced than they are because they feel like it assaults their masculinity somehow. It's like they believe that men ought to be the sexual conquerors, and that women who "lead" in this department somehow tarnish their relationship.

[InspiredbyYou]

I wonder why no one has turned the tables on the OP herself and pointed out her insecurity and potential self esteem issues here. From all she's written, it seems to me that she's trying too hard to please and focusing too much energy into what this guy thinks of her.

Excellent questions!

 

I did elude to this fact this morning on the first page when I made the observation that the OP was simply too apologetic with him almost tip toeing around his assessment. In watching the transgression of this thread and seeing her insistent behavior I am now thinking this thread is either a joke, or the OP has extremely low self esteem.

 

Ladyjane you proceeded to text him to "test" the waters and he responded by letting you know everything is tickety boo on his end and he has moved on as if nothing and you are sitting here worrying about what this and that means? I mean REALLY? Really?

 

It leads me to believe that he saw something more in you than just the 5 people you slept with he saw your low self image I believe this completely turned him off.

 

I can't imagine how anyone with a healthy esteem and the ability to reason would at this point and 6 pages later still be questioning how they could get him back, and what his last text meant!?!

 

He judged you on the 5 people from your past, is that not enough for you?

 

 

You come across as someone who will easily pretzel herself to fit the mode/idea of someone else's standards.

Bottom line! That is a huge turn off for anyone, so cut it out please if you want to succeed with people!

 

 

I get that he obviously isnt interested anymore. What is bothering me and what I keep saying is that it is obviously something that is very important to him and a major dealbreaker..so why bother meeting me and getting to know me.

Because people do strange things. That's why.

He didn't bother getting to know YOU, he got to know just enough information to satiate his morbid needs and now he has decided to move on. Two dates is not getting to know you.

 

 

You sure this isn't the first time you have ever gone out with a guy Ladyjane? You sound very inexperienced....

[edward-e]

why does everyone always ask WHY? we're all just human and when it comes to feelings there is no definitive answer. he just feels the way he feels and thats what matters. you got his answer. now deal with it and move on.

[ladyjane83]

I dont have low self esteem atall, Im confident and have been on plenty of dates. The reason Im spending so much time wondering about it and trying to figure him out is because it only happened last night, came out of the blue because he had been texting me nice messages all day and so I'm just finding the whole thing a bit bizarre. yeah, tomorrow I'll have probably forgotten about it, but this morning when I wrote the thread I was still in the "what the ****" stage. The fact that I can get offended or upset about someone judging me so harshly means Im sensitive, not that I have low self esteem. I'm not able to just say "oh some guy just judged me and was quite rude about it, oh well, on to the next"...because thats not the way I am, and to be honest, I dont really want to be that way.

[ladyjane83]

Sometimes what we think that other people have assumed is different from what is actually assumed by the other person. For many people, the number of boyfriends/girlfriends you have is dramatically different from the number of sexual partners. In his mind, you could have 5 boyfriends and have slept with anywhere from 0 to 5000 people. I think he meant to ask the two questions separately to obtain two different pieces of information about you, and you're assuming that he should have interpreted one from the other.

 

I think when you told him you had 5 boyfriends, you passed test 1, so he continued. A few dates later, he springs test 2, in which case you don't quite fit what he's looking for. He wasn't intending to waste your time, in my opinion. In any case, it's his preference, and also his loss.

 

I had told him previous to this that I had only slept with guys that I had been in relationships with, ie boyfriends. So to then tell him I had 5 boyfriends he should have been able to work out that I'd have slept with between 0-5 people. If 5 was such a dealbreaker for him I would have thought then that he would want to clarify. oh well.

[InspiredbyYou]

Yes but Ladyjane it's not the fact that he made you feel like he did that is alarming here, you have every right to feel cheated confused and bothered by this whole experience, feel away! That is not a sign of low self esteem.

 

It is the fact that you are incessantly trying to figure out how you can explain yourself to him and consequently convince him of how good you are to get him back. When the guy has disappeared and completely cut off contact with you. That is what does not make sense at this point.

 

 

You said something earlier about how you are not a quitter and you don't like to give up on situations, and that's silly! A non-quitter still knows that if they are in their car and they don't let go of the gas pedal when they approach a busy intersection with a red light, that if they "don't quit what they are doing" they will go through traffic and get killed. What will his tombstone say, "Jack was no quitter!" ?

[threebyfate]

I had told him previous to this that I had only slept with guys that I had been in relationships with, ie boyfriends. So to then tell him I had 5 boyfriends he should have been able to work out that I'd have slept with between 0-5 people. If 5 was such a dealbreaker for him I would have thought then that he would want to clarify. oh well.

You don't know for fact, this is why he's distanced himself. As well, he did clarify via the text convo you've posted in your opening post.

 

You've only been communicating for a month, where there's only been two dates and things didn't get to daily communications, until the past week.

 

There are plenty of fish in the ocean...and I mean PLENTY!!

 

Time to stop obsessing about a fish that swam away.

[Star Gazer]

The OP is assuming it's got to do with her numbers, where it might have to do with who she's slept with. Until this guy defines why he's potentially rejected her, where the OP might be right, it's no better than what she's accusing him of doing, which is assuming something about her.

 

I totally agree.

 

The nightclub manager thing jumped off the screen to me. Reading the texts back and forth, I would have assumed that it was the WHO, not the number, that bothered him.

 

Perhaps he knows stuff about that particular nightclub manager (i.e., who that particular guy has slept with, he's dirty, whatever) that skeeves him out.

[meerkat stew]

Hilarious 8 page thread in that the adjectives and labels applied to this guy are way overboard and out of control.

 

We know nothing, no-thing, nada about this guy other than he says that OP's level of sexual experience is an issue for him.

 

OP is not to blame, the guy is not to blame. It's simply a matter of mismatched preferences and has been handled maturely in an adult way by both sides. They are still talking in a friendly way. This guy is no giant red flag waving putz, villain, what have you.

 

This situation is not different than a 5'4" woman who won't date a man who is 5'8", not one bit, not one iota different, yet such a woman wouldn't be lambasted so.

 

People have a right to their preferences in dating. OP does, the guy does, we all of us do.

[Stung]

Yeah I know from the advice I have had on here that its a red flag and pretty much a deal breaker, but Im just frustrated more than anything. I know I keep repeating myself...but Im so angry that if, like you said, this number overrides everything else then why waste the time getting to know me. What was the point in the dates and the conversations if it can all be cancelled out by one fact about my past.

 

 

I haven't had time to read the whole thread yet so maybe someone has addressed this already, but this leapt out at me: you keep coming back to your frustration about how much time has been invested here, you feel he should have been more to the point with his questioning right away, you feel you spent all this time getting to know each other well. Yet as I see it, you what, communicated back and forth with this guy for a few weeks, and had two dates with him?

 

If that's the case, then he actually did get to this dealbreaker (for him) question pretty quickly. It's a sensitive issue for a lot of people...hell, it's not even any of his business AT ALL, particularly not when you've barely established any kind of relationship with each other at all. You can't reasonably expect him to preface all his conversations with women with his unreasonable sexual expectations right off the bat, can you? You need to let this frustration go. In actual fact, he exposed his particular streak of lunacy pretty quickly, when you were still very much in the initial 'getting to know you' phase.

 

Yeah, this guy is a tool. I think most other people have covered that pretty well.

 

The real problem I see here is that you seem to have a tendency to get overinvested, overly quickly. You've lost perspective on scale, in which two dates = barely knowing somebody at all. You're ignoring his giant red flags, in favor of focusing on him being 'very promising,' and 'what you wanted' when the truth is he is OBVIOUSLY not what you want at all, unless you want a control freak with madonna/whore issues.

 

I think you should take this as a lesson, a reminder not to judge a book by it's cover (learn from your date's actions not just his words) and to take your time getting to know someone better for real before you get emotionally involved with them.

[InspiredbyYou]

Hilarious 8 page thread in that the adjectives and labels applied to this guy are way overboard and out of control.

 

Ahh no it's not overboard he IS a tool!

 

A guy who has such a hang-up and finds out what he needs does not end the conversation like this:

 

Him: You're right, you are in so many ways exactly what I'm lookin for and I understand what you're saying. Going to bed now, so not being rude if I dont reply. Night night.

 

 

and then disappears. He tells the girl "ok well I'm sorry but this won't work I wish you luck and much success, but it's best we move on" and maybe the OP would not be left with as many questions as she has.

 

Only a tool leaves it open ended like that!

 

But that's besides the point, she still needs to stop dwelling on it, but let's call a spade a tool.

[monkey00]

He sounds like an insecure guy. For all you know he probably hasn't been in much relationships at all. And if he truly was interested in you, he wouldn't have let the 'how many guys have you slept with/how many bfs' bother him. Although that's not necessarily a flaw, if someone truly does like you and he thought you were perfect for him he would've and should've looked pass that. As the present and future matters more than the past.

 

Although some people have a criteria, you seem like a normal girl to me. I don't see anything abnormal or promiscuous about being in 5 LTR's. I would be more worried about a girl if she's only been in STR's, or hasn't been in much relationships.

 

But let's face the facts, you met him online. I wouldn't disregard the possibility that he's met/date other girls while seeing you or after meeting you. Online daters are notorious for dating/chatting with multiple prospects.

 

It sounds like with your last attempt at contact, he may have friend zoned you. The ball's in his court, if he decides he wants you enough he'll make the move and set up a date. I would say forget about him and move on. No point in letting him hold you back when he's already moved on.

[Buckeye Candy]

That guy is immature as hell. If he cannot handle your past, he shouldn't be asking about it. It is as simple as that. The people you have or have not slept with have nothing to do with him at all unless he knows them. It wasn't his business to begin with, and your even answering the question was a courtesy. A courtesy, not a requirement.

 

Red flag. Huge, billowing red flag.

 

 

Agree 100%

[MissJoness]

is this for real? do ppl really ask this question?

[Angel1111]

Even though he knew you had 5 bf's, maybe he assumed you didn't sleep with all of them. Kinda dumb, but it's a possibility. I think he should've given you a better explanation, which is why most of us here think there's more to this than the reason he's giving you.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I say you're lucky you found out that he's a jealous, insecure, and immature person before you got emotionally involved with him. I have a feeling that had the relationship progressed, we'd see you in the cheating & jealousy section with a post about how obsessively jealous your boyfriend is.

[Phateless]

Hey, apologies if this is a bit long. just want some poeples thoughts.

 

I met a guy online a couple of months ago, we chatted through email/phone for a while and have been on 2 very nice dates. Since the last date (a week ago) we have been textng everyday.

 

Now then, when we first started talking online he made it clear to me that he has very clear cut ideas about what he wants/doesnt want in a girl (looks and personality) which he can never find, and that he wanted to lay it all out straight away so neither of us wasted our time. As I got to find out these things we both realised that Im a very good match for what he wants and he is also very much what I want. However he said that the most important thing is that he could never be with a girl who had been too promiscous because it would always bother him, I didn't know what was "too promiscous" to him...but I'm not like that atall so didnt think I had anything to worry about. One evening when we were talking he asked me how many boyfriends I had had, I figured that was a polite way of asking how many people I had slept with. I told him the answer, 5...I have had 5 boyfriends (im 26) and they are the people I have slept with.

 

Anyway, so that was that...we agreed our first meet had a lovely time, went on a second date a few days later and again had a lovely time.

Now, last night we were texting back and forth and he said to me "are there anymore questions that you want to ask me now that we have met a couple of times?" I said not really, I would find things out as I got to know him. Then I asked if there was anything he wanted to ask me. So he sent "You probably knew this was coming because you know how important it is to me, and I understand if you dont want to answer, but how many people have you slept with?" Obviously I have to answer because if I didnt he would think I had something to hide..which I havent! texts are as follows:

 

Me: I kind of thought you had worked that out by asking how many boyfriends I'd had. Its the same answer x

 

Him: 5?

 

Me: Yeah...Is this where you stop talking to me?! x

 

Him:Was the night club owner one of them?

 

(I had told him on a date that I had once gone out with a guy who managed a night club)

 

Me: Yeah. I was with him for about a year, he was one of the boyfriends I told you about.

 

Him: Oh right.

 

Me:...is that not what you wanted to hear?

 

Him: Well I just wanted to hear the truth, so thats that.

 

Me: What do you mean? You make it sound like I have lied to you. I'm worried that you may have the wrong idea about me. I know "night club manager" sounds a but seedy, but he was just a guy that my friend introduced me to and that just happened to be his job.

 

(internet guy hates night clubs and the clubbing scene)

 

Him: No, I dont think you would lie

 

Me: But you seem a bit funny with me now. Ok, so I'm just going to ask...are you still interested in getting to know me better now? If you have been put off then I really do think that you have got the wrong idea/impression about me and thats a shame because I kind of thought it was going well.

 

Him: Sorry, but I would struggle with those things. I'm dissappointed because I think that in so many ways youre perfect and I know youre a good person. But your life with me would be hell because I know my own mind and I know that I would be always thinking about it.

 

Me: Struggle with what things? That I have had 5 boyfriends? I told you that before you even agreed to meet me for the first time so I dont see how that can change anything. And youre right I am a good person and in lots of ways I think I am what you are looking for so I think its a chame that you would give up on that for something in my past...that isnt even that bad compared to other girls...instead of getting to know me better as a person.

 

Looong break before response

 

Him: You're right, you are in so many ways exactly what I'm lookin for and I understand what you're saying. Going to bed now, so not being rude if I dont reply. Night night.

 

Me: Ok, um, not really sure how we are leaving it. I think the most important thing, instead of the past, is what we are both looking for now and from what we talked about I know that we are both looking for the same thing; a lasting and committed relationship with someone (we had talked previously about what we ultimately want from this) You're what I'm looking for and I'm pretty sure I'm what youre looking for so I think its silly to give up on it this quickly. You know you can ask me whatever you want and I will be honest with you, so that should help to deal with any questions/doubts you may have x

 

No reply

 

So..my questions are:What is he actually worried about? Is it the number...or that one of them was a night club manager?? And how have we left it? Did his last text mean: 'Yes youre right, i know what youre saying and Im being silly'....or is it 'yes youre right, i know what youre saying, but I wont chnage my mind'. Should I just give him time to think about it?

I know alot of you will wonder why I bothered about someone who is that judgemental, but I guess he cant help the things that bother him. Its just annoying because I know we are both exactly what eachother is looking for in partner we have such similar veiws/morals/opinions about relationships and have the chemistry to go with it..and it frustrates me that he would throw that away on something from the past that has no effect on the future.

And if that was such a big make or break for him..why not ask me right at the start so we didnt waste out time going on dates and getting to know each other.

 

Wow, this guy just did you a huge favor. He is obviously a ragingly insecure moron. Good riddance!

[ladyjane83]

is this for real? do ppl really ask this question?

 

Yep its for real...unfortunately

 

Thanks for all the advice/opinions everybody

[ladyjane83]

So we talked. He apologised. I told him that it made me feel like I wasnt good enough etc even though I had done nothing wrong. He said he didnt mean to make me feel that way etc. He said it hasnt changed his opinion of me as a person and that he still thinks I'm beautiful and a great person (and lots of other nice things) he just always thought that he would have a problem with his gf (or potential gf) having had been with more people than him (even if it is only one more) but that he wouldnt know unless he tried. Basically it came down to not that he WOULD be thinking about it all the time...but was worried that it would be. And we said that we should at least try...He told me that it may be a problem for him and that he doesnt want to hurt me, but I said that he has told me that and if I want to still give us a try then thats my choice. He said that he even talked to his friend about it (means he does like me...other girls he has just blown off) and that even his mum and nan said he should meet me! (i didnt even know they knew about me!) anyway...we are meeting next week. My choice.

[Phateless]

So we talked. He apologised. I told him that it made me feel like I wasnt good enough etc even though I had done nothing wrong. He said he didnt mean to make me feel that way etc. He said it hasnt changed his opinion of me as a person and that he still thinks I'm beautiful and a great person (and lots of other nice things) he just always thought that he would have a problem with his gf (or potential gf) having had been with more people than him (even if it is only one more) but that he wouldnt know unless he tried. Basically it came down to not that he WOULD be thinking about it all the time...but was worried that it would be. And we said that we should at least try...He told me that it may be a problem for him and that he doesnt want to hurt me, but I said that he has told me that and if I want to still give us a try then thats my choice. He said that he even talked to his friend about it (means he does like me...other girls he has just blown off) and that even his mum and nan said he should meet me! (i didnt even know they knew about me!) anyway...we are meeting next week. My choice.

 

Ok good, it sounds like he's making an effort and that he knows this problem is completely on his end. Honestly, my opinion on all of this is that experience beats purity, any day!

 

My ex was a virgin when I met her and she is still the worst lay I've ever had. As long as she's clean I don't care how many guys she's been with. That only makes her that much better in bed.

 

Good luck with this guy, I sense he'll be insecure and relatively dramatic.