Jump to content

told him how many people I have slept with...now he doesnt want to see me again

ladyjane83

By ladyjane83
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Agoraphobianebula Established Member

Agoraphobianebula

Posted
Posted (edited)

I wonder why no one has turned the tables on the OP herself and pointed out her insecurity and potential self esteem issues here. From all she's written, it seems to me that she's trying too hard to please and focusing too much energy into what this guy thinks of her.

 

OP, you've gone on TWO dates, known the guy all but two months, why does his opinion of you matter so much? Why do you keep repeating, "I'm exactly what he's looking for"? and why does it seem like you take major pride in being exactly what HE's looking for? Why does it seem that everything is about him and his approval of you? You come across as someone who will easily pretzel herself to fit the mode/idea of someone else's standards. So you've had 5 sex partners, yeah and? what if you've had 10 or 50? why do you have to justify the choices you made to anyone? Why is it important to you that this guy thinks you are a "good girl"? why is it important to you that WE think you are a good girl and not promiscuous? Go back and re-read your posts, I get the sense that you have a hard time being comfortable in your own skin thus, approval of others matter more to you than your approval of yourself because if not, you'd had given this guy the boot without even blinking.

 

In your initial post, you said that when you first started talking online he made it clear to you that he has very clear cut ideas about what he wants/doesnt want in a girl (looks and personality). I would have immediately flagged that statement before he even went further. Is he looking for a life partner or shopping for brand name canned beans?. A person having "clear cut" ideas on looks and personality of a potential mate is a person searching for a doll or action figure. He'll nitpick the hell out of you and you've already gotten a taste of that nitpicking with the whole sex partners deal.

 

He's a person who's borderline controlling and people like that tend to gravitate towards people with weak self esteem/self worth. You come across as the perfect prey for him. You've only gone on two dates and he's already got you questioning yourself, second guessing yourself, running after him, craving his approval. Why did you have to text him asking what's up?

 

These are just somethings for you to think about..

Edited by Agoraphobianebula
sagetalk Established Member

sagetalk

Posted
Posted
The things you listed are problems that stem from people with emotional issues pertaining to sexual relationships.

 

Exactly, people that have had alot of sexual partners are more susceptible to these emotional issues.

 

The unwanted pregnancies is in regards to previous pregnancies with other men. A women with a large number of sexual partners could have had abortions in the past or have kids from another guy. It can be a major turn off to some people, and has nothing to do with having a sexual hangup.

 

Do I think the guy in the OP is like this, no, he seems like a loser to me. But just because someone questions the number of sexual partners someone has had does not mean they are unhealthy sexually. It is a legitimate question, and if it is important to them, then it should be discussed at some point before the relationship gets too serious.

Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

Posted
Posted

It's also possible that, as some members have mentioned, that he was looking for an excuse to back out, whether he's commitment phobic or whether, after the second date, something didn't feel right. That he clearly remembered her reference to the night club owner, makes me wonder what she said about her ex or exes in general.

 

You have a point TBF..

He never told her why.. and you are also right about what else she may have mentioned..

I can't remember spilling the beans before tons of dates and certainly on the second date the info I'm giving out is filtered still.

 

I would mention though that I would never have asked this question on a second date..

Much too private to be digging for that type of info

 

 

He's a person who's borderline controlling and people like that tend to gravitate towards people with weak self esteem/self worth. You come across as the perfect prey for him. You've only gone on two dates and he's already got you questioning yourself, second guessing yourself, running after him, craving his approval. Why did you have to text him asking what's up?

 

These are just somethings for you to think about..

 

Good point Ag

EYECANDY000 Established Member

EYECANDY000

Posted
Posted

It sounds like it may be something else. If you told him you've had five bf's before hand then he should be surprised when you two brought it up again.

 

Also this guy is someone who will never have a meaningful realationship. It sounds like he has a whole list of characteristics he wants from women. Like must be a certain race, must be a certain height, breath much smell peachy every morning. Its just rediculous.

Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

Posted
Posted
He's a person who's borderline controlling and people like that tend to gravitate towards people with weak self esteem/self worth. You come across as the perfect prey for him. You've only gone on two dates and he's already got you questioning yourself, second guessing yourself, running after him, craving his approval. Why did you have to text him asking what's up?

 

These are just somethings for you to think about..

 

Amen, sister.

  • Author
ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I wonder why no one has turned the tables on the OP herself and pointed out her insecurity and potential self esteem issues here. From all she's written, it seems to me that she's trying too hard to please and focusing too much energy into what this guy thinks of her.

 

Its not that at all. when I say "im exactly what he is looking for" I dont mean that I am changing myself to become what he is looking for...I mean I already am that way and it annoys me that the number/type of people I have slept with would over shadow that. And my whole point of anger/frustration is not so much that he has made me feel bad...but that I feel like it was a massive waste of time getting to know each other if he was going to base his opinion on something that he could of found out before meeting me and wasting both of our time!

jw90063 Established Member

jw90063

Posted
Posted

I was thinking, the guy may just be very insecure about his sexual history, and is intimidated by the OP, even though she's only been with 5. To him, this would be a lot if he hasn't hardly been with anyone. He logically knows 5 isn't a lot, but he is so insecure that he is holding that against her. Reading back at their conversation, he sounds very controlling and the jealous type though. I think the OP should just move on. It's fine if he is very religious ,but he just seems weird too. :)

theBrokenMuse Established Member

theBrokenMuse

Posted
Posted

A women with a large number of sexual partners could have had abortions in the past or have kids from another guy. It can be a major turn off to some people, and has nothing to do with having a sexual hangup.

 

What you are saying here just isn't rational. Is it not enough to say you don't want to deal with kids from a previous relationship rather than say that you don't want anything to do with anyone who has ever had sex at any point in their past? It's like saying I don't want to date a man with pets so I will refuse to date anyone who ever had one in their house at any point during their childhood. As far as the whole abortion in the past thing, that IS a control issue and as far as I am concerned another hangup (can't let go of past and otherwise currently irrelevant issues). I'm sorry but I've come to believe that we just are not going to agree on this matter.

Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

Posted
Posted
Its not that at all. when I say "im exactly what he is looking for" I dont mean that I am changing myself to become what he is looking for...I mean I already am that way and it annoys me that the number/type of people I have slept with would over shadow that. And my whole point of anger/frustration is not so much that he has made me feel bad...but that I feel like it was a massive waste of time getting to know each other if he was going to base his opinion on something that he could of found out before meeting me and wasting both of our time!

 

But, that's just the point. You're not what he's looking for. I think that should've been obvious by the fact that he disappeared.

 

You're hanging onto this stuff about how many people you've slept with, or who you slept with. If that's for real - if that's really a hang up of his - then you're not going to fix it. You can't unscramble scrambled eggs. You're not who he thought you were. You're not who he wants you to be. You don't fit into his mold. If you could talk him into coming back and giving you a chance to get to know you, this will always be the white elephant in the room. He'll hang it over your head for the rest of your life, and bring it up in every argument.

  • Author
ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

Posted
  • Author
Posted

It's also possible that, as some members have mentioned, that he was looking for an excuse to back out, whether he's commitment phobic or whether, after the second date, something didn't feel right. That he clearly remembered her reference to the night club owner, makes me wonder what she said about her ex or exes in general.

 

I know that its not an excuse to back out. He doesnt mess about and waste his time, if he wasnt interested after the second date he would have either told be or just stopped contacting me. But he was actually intiating contact after the 2nd date even more so than before...untill this.

The reference to the ex was on the 1st date...so yeah he must of remembered it, but it cant have bothered him that much. It just came up in convo really, we were talking about values etc and cheating. he asked if I had ever been cheated on and I said once that I know of, and that one of my ex's worked in a night club so I have a feeling that he probably did (that was more of a light hearted comment)

EYECANDY000 Established Member

EYECANDY000

Posted
Posted

It seems like you are trying to hard to convince him that you are perfect for him. Things should just happen naturally and not forced. If you have to constantly convince someone that you are the perfect fit then its not meant to be. Your not applying for a job, you are trying to get to know someone..

Agoraphobianebula Established Member

Agoraphobianebula

Posted
Posted
Its not that at all. when I say "im exactly what he is looking for" I dont mean that I am changing myself to become what he is looking for...I mean I already am that way and it annoys me that the number/type of people I have slept with would over shadow that. And my whole point of anger/frustration is not so much that he has made me feel bad...but that I feel like it was a massive waste of time getting to know each other if he was going to base his opinion on something that he could of found out before meeting me and wasting both of our time!

 

 

It's not a 'massive' waste of time, it was 2 months, 2 dates in that time, m'eh. Life is long.

 

Be happy you found out now, and not 3 years after dating him. And obviously, you are not exactly what he's looking for if he's going to make a fuss over how many people you've slept with. I don't know about you but I wouldn't want to be EXACTLY what someone's is looking for, it's just too much pressure. I'm a complex human being and I like having lots of room to be me and be human.

 

YOU should be the one rejecting him, for the fact that he's seemingly basing his opinion of you on how many people you've slept with. Please remember that your opinion of him matters too.

  • Author
ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

Posted
  • Author
Posted
But, that's just the point. You're not what he's looking for. I think that should've been obvious by the fact that he disappeared.

 

You're hanging onto this stuff about how many people you've slept with, or who you slept with. If that's for real - if that's really a hang up of his - then you're not going to fix it. You can't unscramble scrambled eggs. You're not who he thought you were. You're not who he wants you to be. You don't fit into his mold. If you could talk him into coming back and giving you a chance to get to know you, this will always be the white elephant in the room. He'll hang it over your head for the rest of your life, and bring it up in every argument.

 

But I never pretended to be anything different..I told him befor he ever met me that I'd had 5 boyfriends

jw90063 Established Member

jw90063

Posted
Posted

If the guy despises the clubbing scene, he probably is paranoid she is going to meet other guys at the club. I can see his concern if she dated a nightclub owner, but still. Seems controlling, jealous and paranoid. :sick:

Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

Posted
Posted
But I never pretended to be anything different..I told him befor he ever met me that I'd had 5 boyfriends

 

In his mind, something changed.

threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

Posted
Posted
I know that its not an excuse to back out. He doesnt mess about and waste his time, if he wasnt interested after the second date he would have either told be or just stopped contacting me. But he was actually intiating contact after the 2nd date even more so than before...untill this.
Have you never had something bother you about someone at the back of your mind, where it's very low-lying and you can't quite put a finger on it? As someone who's normally pretty definitive about dating, go or no go, I've had this happen before and haven't shut things down, until I could pinpoint what was bothering me.

The reference to the ex was on the 1st date...so yeah he must of remembered it, but it cant have bothered him that much. It just came up in convo really, we were talking about values etc and cheating. he asked if I had ever been cheated on and I said once that I know of, and that one of my ex's worked in a night club so I have a feeling that he probably did (that was more of a light hearted comment)
There are plenty of people out there, who feel that it's the person who got cheated on, who's the issue, rather than the person cheating. This is why, on first or second dates in the past, I immediately piped up about being divorced due to infidelity on the part of my ex-H. It ensures that if someone has a problem with it, they cut bait sooner, rather than after I've invested.
  • Author
ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

Posted
  • Author
Posted
If the guy despises the clubbing scene, he probably is paranoid she is going to meet other guys at the club. I can see his concern if she dated a nightclub owner, but still. Seems controlling, jealous and paranoid. :sick:

 

Yeah I would get why it would be a problem if I went on a night out and ended up going home with the manager of the club..but like I said earlier it wasnt like that, he was just a guy that my friend introduced me to (not in the club) and that happened to be his job. and it was just a small student indie/rock club. and in the end I broke up with him because I didnt like his profession. But like I said earlier also...I dont see how the proffession of someone who I went out with over 5 years age should affect his opinion of me.

Chubbi Established Member

Chubbi

Posted
Posted

I'm t/j but I have to answer:

 

I'm sorry but I've come to believe that we just are not going to agree on this matter.

 

I'm glad you realized because I realized it from the start. As a virgin myself and you who haven't been one in some years, it would be hard getting us to agree on how important sex is. I guess a person who has sex frequently would think it's an easy thing to do and believe sexual partners numbers are just fluffy information. As a person who has never had sex, it's just a lot harder and more significant to me.

 

Also, it's b/s that a virgin is sexually unhealthy. I love sex, I just don't do it. LOL I read romance novels, I watch a ton of porn, and I masturbate frequently (more than the female average). I just never got around to kissing a boy though, because of just opportunity and life choices. I'd rather not kiss a random boy at a college party. I'd rather not hook-up with a random boy. I'd rather date someone I was crazy about; I haven't found one. And I'd rather put dating on the backburner because I have so much other things in my life right now.

 

It's incredibly easy to inundate yourself from the opposite sex if you want to. I go to a mixed college, mixed-bathroom type of thing, and yet I rarely talk to boys. It's even harder to do since all of my friends are like me.

 

All these things contribute to being a virgin, and it has nothing to do with being unhealthy or sexually repressed. On the contrary, I've met women with more sexual partners than me who don't even know how to please themselves. How do you have sex but don't know how to masturbate? Beats me.

edward-e Established Member

edward-e

Posted
Posted

i dunno about you guys, but if i met someone who was almost exactly what i was looking for and was with 1 more person that i was with (and clean) i wouldnt care at all....

 

sounds like he just doesnt wanna be with you and is finding reasons to bail now. im really picky with who i choose to be with and i mean really picky and to me, someone who dated a nightclub owner when she was 21 doesnt seem like a deal breaker. id just be glad that you told me the truth about everything....

theBrokenMuse Established Member

theBrokenMuse

Posted
Posted

All these things contribute to being a virgin, and it has nothing to do with being unhealthy or sexually repressed.

 

If you reread my post I said nothing about BEING a virgin. Everyone is a virgin at some point - I said those who demand that those they date are virgins or are close to being virgins (some people will allow for one slip up or one major relationship gone awry that might otherwise prefer virgins) have sexual hangups.

threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

Posted
Posted
If you reread my post I said nothing about BEING a virgin - I said those who demand that those they date are virgins or are close to being virgins (some people will allow for one slip up or one major relationship gone awry that might otherwise prefer virgins) have sexual hangups.
You read so many threads about guys and their retroactive jealousy, where they get hung up after investing, on girls who have had more partners than they have.

 

IF for any reason this guy has a problem with a low number like 5, that's his preference and it's smart for him to cut bait sooner, rather than later.

shadowplay Established Member

shadowplay

Posted
Posted

 

Red flag. Huge, billowing red flag.

 

Nice. :cool:

 

 

 

------------

theBrokenMuse Established Member

theBrokenMuse

Posted
Posted

IF for any reason this guy has a problem with a low number like 5, that's his preference and it's smart for him to cut bait sooner, rather than later.

I agree - the sooner the better.

harmfulsweetz Established Member

harmfulsweetz

Posted
Posted

I think you are trying too hard to convince yourself that he is actually interested. Fact is, he brought up something he views as a dealbreaker second date, and you didn't fit the mold. And so, there you go. If it didn't matter so much to him, he wouldn't have mentioned it so soon.

 

I have to say, I agree with the posters that say you seem to be trying very hard to be what he wants you to be. Isn't that hard work? I mean, no one wants to be 'perfect' for someone do they? Way too much pressure.

 

Maybe you were compatible on some levels, even most, but on this level? No. No compatibility there. That's his issue. Find someone without those issues and you'll be fine.

 

It was only two dates, not that big a deal. Much worse to find out two years down the line.

 

It won't change, regardless to what you say or do. It's something about you that you can't and shouldn't want to change. If he could change his ideals, fabulous, but I highly doubt he will. You don't want to be lumbered with a guy like that-it'll materialise in other ways too, and then you'll be left thinking 'I've wasted even more time, even after knowing what he was like.'

 

Everyone is entitled to their preferences, but it doesn't alter the fact that he's hypocritical and judgemental. I would stop clutching at straws and move on.

on edge Established Member

on edge

Posted
Posted
Maybe it's just me, but it seems like he was looking for something wrong with you...

 

He's throwing up too many red flags anyways, better that you're able to move on now.

 

This.

 

 

5 is very reasonable at 26.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...