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told him how many people I have slept with...now he doesnt want to see me again

ladyjane83

By ladyjane83
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harmfulsweetz Established Member

harmfulsweetz

Posted
Posted

I don't know why he would see you if it mattered all that much to him. It was a waste of time, but then, if you continue with this one, you will waste more time. There will always be something. I was with a guy who was cheated on in the past by his ex fiance, and the red flags were all there. He showed me he was controlling, he'd dig about my past (at the time I was seventeen and rather stupid and lacked a lot of self esteem) make issues of guys who I merely hung around with, how many guys I'd slept with (one!) and it just spiralled from there. Someone who is bothered enough to ask and make an issue of your past, is someone to watch out for because it will crop up time and again. Be it-what you wear, who you speak to, when and if you go out, etc. He wants you to fit in with his criteria, and if you don't, you're no good to him. I wouldn't waste another minute on this dude.

harmfulsweetz Established Member

harmfulsweetz

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Well, I text him a couple of hours ago to test the water (I know, I know) just said "hey, hows it going?" and he did reply straight away...which, from what I know of him, he wouldnt if he wasnt interested.

 

He replied with "hey, good thanks. Just been to the gym and for lunch with a friend, now just going to see my nan, you?"

 

What do you make of that text? I thought a few of things:

1: He is just acting so cool as if nothing had even happend..does it mean it isnt a big deal afterall? or have I been friendzoned?

2: Maybe I didnt hear from him because he wanted to talk about it first with his friend maybe, get some perspective? of course this is just a guess..he might nit have even mentioned it to his friend.

3:Again, from what I know of him he wouldnt waste his time...if he wasnt interested I dont think he would bother replying. Unless he was just being polite.

 

I dont know. I replied kind of lighthearted, just said "I'm ok thanks, just checking you were still talking to me lol. Am having a lazy day". No reply...but he is with his nan and that is quite a usual pattern from what I have noticed over the last few weeks.

He sounds immature. Like that number is so important to him, it affects whether or not he can see you. That text? I don't make much of it. It doesn't indicate interest nor disinterest. Point: If you do decide to proceed, then I would certainly bring up his issue, you have to know what you are getting into. He sounds picky to me, and controlling, but that could be me. I wouldn't feel bad for anything in your past, it is what it is, and he shouldn't make you feel bad for it, or judge you on it. He should judge you on you now, but he isn't. He's making the conscious choice to judge you on a number.

JohnP82 Established Member

JohnP82

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There is nothing wrong with bringing up the question if it's important to you. There is nothing wrong with nexting someone that doesn't meet your criteria for a partner.

 

To the OP, this guy sounds like a hypocrite so that would be the reason for not seeing him again not because you may not meet his criteria.

 

I really don't understand why people on here get in such a huff over sexual history being important and a potential deal breaker for some people. It's just a preference and we all have them. There are plenty of people that wouldn't date me because I'm black, or because I like F1 (to a somewhat unhealthy degree), or because I'm a lawyer, etc. You don't see me complaining about it.

Edited by JohnP82
harmfulsweetz Established Member

harmfulsweetz

Posted
Posted
There is nothing wrong with bringing up the question if it's important to you. There is nothing wrong with nexting someone that doesn't meet your criteria for a partner.

 

To the OP, this guy sounds like a hypocrite so that would be the reason for not seeing him again not because you may not meet his criteria.

 

I really don't understand why people on here get in such a huff over sexual history being important and a potential deal breaker for some people. It's just a preference and we all have them. There are plenty of people that wouldn't date me because I'm black, or because I like F1 (to a somewhat unhealthy degree), or because I'm a lawyer, etc. You don't see me complaining about it.

 

People like what they like true. And some things such as sexual history are deal breakers. However, he has slept with 4 women, what if she judged him by the same book? 5 isn't a large number by any means. If it was 30, or 100 or whatever large number, then yeah, I could understand and perhaps see the point. Not many people would be able to understand and accept that.But it's 5, not even in double figures and he's already dithering. The point is, he judges a woman he claimed to connect with and like, and was attracted to, based on a number alone. He was willing to drop that connection, because of it. It just sounds like he was looking for a way out.

sagetalk Established Member

sagetalk

Posted
Posted
There is nothing wrong with bringing up the question if it's important to you. There is nothing wrong with nexting someone that doesn't meet your criteria for a partner.

 

To the OP, this guy sounds like a hypocrite so that would be the reason for not seeing him again not because you may not meet his criteria.

 

I really don't understand why people on here get in such a huff over sexual history being important and a potential deal breaker for some people. It's just a preference and we all have them. There are plenty of people that wouldn't date me because I'm black, or because I like F1 (to a somewhat unhealthy degree), or because I'm a lawyer, etc. You don't see me complaining about it.

 

Touché, sir, touché.

gopher Established Member

gopher

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Posted

Rightly or wrongly, the guy has a preference....Move on to a more mature guy.

theBrokenMuse Established Member

theBrokenMuse

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Posted

I really don't understand why people on here get in such a huff over sexual history being important and a potential deal breaker for some people. It's just a preference and we all have them. There are plenty of people that wouldn't date me because I'm black, or because I like F1 (to a somewhat unhealthy degree), or because I'm a lawyer, etc. You don't see me complaining about it.

Well, for one, There are a myriad of reasons (that go across a large spectrum) people may not wish to date others of certain professions, hobbies or race however, there is only one reason for people to desire someone who is a virgin or damn near one and that is that they have an unhealthy hangups about sex. It's a red flag in and of itself for everyone to steer clear, even those within their accepted range.

jw90063 Established Member

jw90063

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LOL

 

Five guys. Just think, how he would feel if it was like 300+ guys.

stepka Established Member

stepka

Posted
Posted
I really don't understand why people on here get in such a huff over sexual history being important and a potential deal breaker for some people. It's just a preference and we all have them. There are plenty of people that wouldn't date me because I'm black, or because I like F1 (to a somewhat unhealthy degree), or because I'm a lawyer, etc. You don't see me complaining about it.

What's F1? Racing or something else?

 

OP, be glad you found this out before you slept with him! At least I assume you didn't. He sounds like a douchebag to me and he should move to a Muslim country or a convent if he wants purity.

Chubbi Established Member

Chubbi

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Posted

Um...why is it immature to want a virgin? Some of my friends want a guy to have equal number of partners as them, ie virgins. Why do you call that idea a bad name?

sagetalk Established Member

sagetalk

Posted
Posted
there is only one reason for people to desire someone who is a virgin or damn near one and that is that they have an unhealthy hangups about sex. It's a red flag in and of itself for everyone to steer clear, even those within their accepted range.

 

Completely and utterly false. There are countless reasons (not including religious) to not date people who have had a large number of sexual partners and only a few for virgins. STD's, AIDS, unwanted/terminated pregnancies, emotional attachments to previous sexual partners. All those things can lead to massive emotional baggage. The list could go on for awhile. Unhealthy hangups about sex, good grief :rolleyes:.

Jersey Shortie Established Member

Jersey Shortie

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Posted

OP, you've gotten alot of sound advice.

 

There are only two reasons I can think why your potential love interest would be so critical of the very limited number of men (all boyfriends for the love of the good Lord) you've slept with. He either is very insecure and immature. Or he likes using such facts against women to either keep them away or create a superiority complex.

 

As another poster said, no need to explain yourself, defend yourself or apologize for your life experience. if he is already choosing to see bad in something that has no bad in it, that is a reflection of his character, not yours. Please don't pursue anything more with this man. It might have appeared that you were well matched but that could have all been smoke and mirrors.

 

As for wanting a virgin or not. That is of course anyone's right to want a idealized idea of how many people someone else as slept with. But making judgements about a person's character or ability to carry a relationship based on the amount of people they slept with is just plain unlogical.

JohnP82 Established Member

JohnP82

Posted
Posted
there is only one reason for people to desire someone who is a virgin or damn near one and that is that they have an unhealthy hangups about sex.

 

You also forgot religious reasons or believing sex is something sacred and not to be taken lightly for starters.

 

Also "unhealthy hangups" is based on your opinion and sounds judgmental.

jw90063 Established Member

jw90063

Posted
Posted
Completely and utterly false. There are countless reasons (not including religious) to not date people who have had a large number of sexual partners and only a few for virgins. STD's, AIDS, unwanted/terminated pregnancies, emotional attachments to previous sexual partners. All those things can lead to massive emotional baggage. The list could go on for awhile. Unhealthy hangups about sex, good grief :rolleyes:.

 

And people who completely disapprove of being a virgin or their reasoning as to why being a virgin, just feel threatened by virgins or non promiscuous people. Therefore, accusing them of having "Unhealthy hangups", when in fact, the person doing the accusing probably has had an unhealthy sexual history. :rolleyes:

Crazy Magnet Established Member

Crazy Magnet

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I admit, I have not read the entire thread, but I want to reiterate that you do not need to apologize for you number of sexual partners to a man you have been on TWO dates with. It's not like you were in an exclusive relationship with marriage right around the corner, it's been TWO dates.

 

He should have been more up front with his questioning as his hang up about your past is just that....HIS. Not yours.

 

One of the guys I met off the internet asked me how many people I slept with, I politely declined to answer. I will continue to decline to answer. I have been screen for STDs, I'm clean. I can prove it with my piece of paper! :) lol

theBrokenMuse Established Member

theBrokenMuse

Posted
Posted
Completely and utterly false. There are countless reasons (not including religious) to not date people who have had a large number of sexual partners and only a few for virgins. STD's, AIDS, unwanted/terminated pregnancies, emotional attachments to previous sexual partners. All those things can lead to massive emotional baggage. The list could go on for awhile. Unhealthy hangups about sex, good grief :rolleyes:.

The things you listed are problems that stem from people with emotional issues pertaining to sexual relationships. Let's take a second to look over your list here: A preoccupation with being worried about getting STDs to the point of ruling out dating those with sexual experience is a sexual hangup. Fear of unwanted pregnancies? I don't even see how this pertains to the subject in this context unless you are so terrified that you are going to run across a girl that is already pregnant and going to pin that child on you - this is another overblown reaction to a deep seated fear - a hangup. Emotional attachments to previous sexual partners is not an acceptable objection as it is not the sex in and of itself that makes women attached - women can get just as attached to men they've never slept with so looking for a virgin to offset that is not only pointless but utterly ineffective. Given indicates a person with extreme fears relating to relationships and sex. At least that's what I see when I look at it - people with hangups.

threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

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Posted

Why is everyone focused on the numbers the OP slept with and not this?

 

Him:Was the night club owner one of them?

 

(I had told him on a date that I had once gone out with a guy who managed a night club)

 

 

Everyone has preferences in dating, whether it's to do with sexual numbers, musical tastes, partner types, etc.

 

My advice would be to move on. You've only dated twice and have only been in serious daily contact a week. Better to know sooner, rather than later, if someone has compatibility issues.

theBrokenMuse Established Member

theBrokenMuse

Posted
Posted
And people who completely disapprove of being a virgin or their reasoning as to why being a virgin, just feel threatened by virgins or non promiscuous people. Therefore, accusing them of having "Unhealthy hangups", when in fact, the person doing the accusing probably has had an unhealthy sexual history. :rolleyes:

 

I actually happen to enjoy debate. People can hold points of view without perceiving the views or choices of others as a threat. I hardly consider myself promiscuous but yes, I do believe people that see sexual repression as a merit are not sexually healthy - that's my opinion.

jw90063 Established Member

jw90063

Posted
Posted
The things you listed are problems that stem from people with emotional issues pertaining to sexual relationships. Let's take a second to look over your list here: A preoccupation with being worried about getting STDs to the point of ruling out dating those with sexual experience is a sexual hangup. Fear of unwanted pregnancies? I don't even see how this pertains to the subject in this context unless you are so terrified that you are going to run across a girl that is already pregnant and going to pin that child on you - this is another overblown reaction to a deep seated fear - a hangup. Emotional attachments to previous sexual partners is not an acceptable objection as it is not the sex in and of itself that makes women attached - women can get just as attached to men they've never slept with so looking for a virgin to offset that is not only pointless but utterly ineffective. Given indicates a person with extreme fears relating to relationships and sex. At least that's what I see when I look at it - people with hangups.

 

You are missing the entire point. Many virgins simply want to wait until marriage for intimacy. It's strictly a religious decision. Is that so hard to comprehend.

Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

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Posted

What a putz...

 

If he stops speaking with you over this then just think what your relationship would be like with a man that would do that ?

It sounds like he will have some control issues.

 

5.. the guy has some serious issues if he has a problem with 5..

 

I wonder what his number is ? it is either very low and he is intimidated becuase he will have lack of experience or his number is higher and he is just a dick.

 

Either way.. let this putz go.. he isn't worth a second thought..

theBrokenMuse Established Member

theBrokenMuse

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Posted
You are missing the entire point. Many virgins simply want to wait until marriage for intimacy. It's strictly a religious decision. Is that so hard to comprehend.

 

Because religious decisions of this nature are completely based on the idea that your sexuality is sinful, especially for women. The idea that being chaste is somehow more respectable than being not so and that repelling one's own human nature is something to strive for is an ideal that I personally find repugnant.

theBrokenMuse Established Member

theBrokenMuse

Posted
Posted
You also forgot religious reasons or believing sex is something sacred and not to be taken lightly for starters.

 

Also "unhealthy hangups" is based on your opinion and sounds judgmental.

So was there any objective standards to anything you cited in your previous post or was it based on subjective interpretations of the subject matter as was mine?

threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

Posted
Posted
What a putz...

 

If he stops speaking with you over this then just think what your relationship would be like with a man that would do that ?

It sounds like he will have some control issues.

 

5.. the guy has some serious issues if he has a problem with 5..

 

I wonder what his number is ? it is either very low and he is intimidated becuase he will have lack of experience or his number is higher and he is just a dick.

 

Either way.. let this putz go.. he isn't worth a second thought..

The OP is assuming it's got to do with her numbers, where it might have to do with who she's slept with. Until this guy defines why he's potentially rejected her, where the OP might be right, it's no better than what she's accusing him of doing, which is assuming something about her.

 

It's also possible that, as some members have mentioned, that he was looking for an excuse to back out, whether he's commitment phobic or whether, after the second date, something didn't feel right. That he clearly remembered her reference to the night club owner, makes me wonder what she said about her ex or exes in general.

Hot Carl Established Member

Hot Carl

Posted
Posted

5?! Holy smokes! Have your knees ever even met?

sally4sara Established Member

sally4sara

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This makes me sad.....

 

OP, you knew you were a good person before you met this guy right? The number of people you had sex with and what they did for a living was not what you based this believe on before you met this guy - your belief that you are a good person shouldn't disappear just because this guy judges you so. You've known him how long? A month at best? And you've only been around him a couple of times? How could he know better than you if you were a good person or not? And you haven't known him long enough to know if he is a good enough person to be judging you anyway.

 

Who is he to so easily change your opinion of your self worth? Because he might judge you - you suddenly see yourself differently? Please don't crumble so easily. Believe in yourself.

 

He said how many people you slept with only matters because HE KNOWS IT WILL BOTHER HIM. That sounds like his problem. Take note that he has no intentions of fixing that hang up so he can find a good relationship. He expects his hang up to become YOUR problem. WHY? Because he is having trouble finding someone to be in a relationship with - another HIM problem he wants to become your problem.......and you are feeling rejected over it. That is all this is; you are letting HIS hang up make you feel like less of a person than you were before you met him. What good is that bringing to your life?

 

You will find a guy who sees your value and this guy will still be alone with his non promiscuous hand.

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