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told him how many people I have slept with...now he doesnt want to see me again

ladyjane83

By ladyjane83
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temple Established Member

temple

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you are better off not taking this any further.

 

he must be VERY insecure.

 

buyer beware

 

Agreed.

 

Sounds like this problem of his will be the basis of ALL your future arguments.

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

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you are better off not taking this any further.

 

he must be VERY insecure.

 

buyer beware

 

 

Agreed. If this was to go further, the next thing would be questioning the clothes you are wearing (skirt too short, top too low), interrogating you on who you spoke to you when you went out without him. etc. Insecurity and control :mad:

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ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

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pffff. I know really. How frustrating and a waste of time.

Vertex Established Member

Vertex

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Thats my point though, and what makes me angry. Surely what he has got to know about me as a person is a much better reflection of my "true colours" than how many boyfriends Ive had in the past? And I was with my last boyfriend for 4 years..so obviously I can have a committed relationship! We talked about what we want in a partner and the way we are when we are in a relationship, he knows Im not a party girl because I hardly ever go out...would much prefer to stay in with my partner (if I had one!), and thats the way he is too. He said previously that he like the way I am and that he can tell that I would be very trustworthy. So why should this new information change that?? He could find a girl who is a virgin and never had a boyfiend before..but it doesnt mean that she would be a good and trustworthy girlfriend! To me, what the person is like now is much more important.

 

You're absolutely correct, but it doesn't mean he will agree with the logic. If he did, he wouldn't have asked the question or gotten hung up over it in the first place. All I am saying is that your previous conversation with him is a red flag and is indicative of a deeper issue, so just be aware of that. If you choose to continue seeing this guy, there's always the chance that he'll "see your true colors" more clearly through your present actions and not your past, but there's always the chance that he'll keep fussing over it, too.

 

Many people, when they date, choose to move on when they encounter certain red flags because they've empirically deduced that it's very hard to change fundamental incompatibilities in preference viewpoints. This is obviously a judgment call that is up to you. What myself and others are saying, though, is that insecurity like this is VERY hard for most people to change overnight -- if he's acting this way now, odds are he'll keep acting this way for a while, and the insecurity will start to spill over into other facets of the relationship and force you to deal with a lot of unnecessary crap.

 

So, if you choose to proceed, beware at your own risk!

temple Established Member

temple

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pffff. I know really. How frustrating and a waste of time.

 

Just think how much bigger a waste of time it would have been if this continued further. At least in all of this he had the decency to show his true colours early on and gave you the chance to run. x

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ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

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You're absolutely correct, but it doesn't mean he will agree with the logic. If he did, he wouldn't have asked the question or gotten hung up over it in the first place. All I am saying is that your previous conversation with him is a red flag and is indicative of a deeper issue, so just be aware of that. If you choose to continue seeing this guy, there's always the chance that he'll "see your true colors" more clearly through your present actions and not your past, but there's always the chance that he'll keep fussing over it, too.

 

Many people, when they date, choose to move on when they encounter certain red flags because they've empirically deduced that it's very hard to change fundamental incompatibilities in preference viewpoints. This is obviously a judgment call that is up to you. What myself and others are saying, though, is that insecurity like this is VERY hard for most people to change overnight -- if he's acting this way now, odds are he'll keep acting this way for a while, and the insecurity will start to spill over into other facets of the relationship and force you to deal with a lot of unnecessary crap.

 

So, if you choose to proceed, beware at your own risk!

 

See, I would proceed because I dont like to give up so easily when I see potential, would want to give it a try..and I'm confident that Im a good person and a good girlfriend. but unfortunatly, I dont think its my decision to make.

theBrokenMuse Established Member

theBrokenMuse

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See, I would proceed because I dont like to give up so easily when I see potential, would want to give it a try..

 

Potential for what - to bang your head against the wall? It's a major hang up for him. Even if he did give you a second chance, this would be a dark cloud looming over the whole relationship and every once and awhile he'd get all distant and do that whole "I'm sorry I know you've been wonderful, I just can't get over what you've done in your past and I don't know if I ever will spiel". He'll make you feel insecure and like utter **** for something that's only an issue in his head. Don't ever offer up a second chance to someone who makes it clear that they don't find you worthy of them. This man sounds like the type of guy who would find anyone whose had more than one sexual partner as a bad relationship potential because he is damaged goods. Have the self-respect to walk away. You do not want a man who sees you as a whore.

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bayouboi Established Member

bayouboi

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He's being unreasonable....I was expecting you to admit to like 100+ or something, but 5?? Like others have said I think he was just looking for an excuse and you should mark this guy off your list.

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ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

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I just think what was the point in taking me out and getting to know me if he was just going to end it based on something that he could have asked me earlier if it was that important to him.

The fact that I even answered should indicate to him that I am serious about being honest and upfront with him. Im starting to wish Inever answered...but then he would think I had something to hide.

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ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

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He's being unreasonable....I was expecting you to admit to like 100+ or something, but 5?? Like others have said I think he was just looking for an excuse and you should mark this guy off your list.

 

I know it wasnt an excuse...he did like me because he was always the one contacting me alot etc. And he had made it pretty clear from what he had told me about other girls that if he wasnt interested then he wouldnt waste his time with excuses, he would either tell me straight or just not contact me.

bayouboi Established Member

bayouboi

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I know it wasnt an excuse...he did like me because he was always the one contacting me alot etc. And he had made it pretty clear from what he had told me about other girls that if he wasnt interested then he wouldnt waste his time with excuses, he would either tell me straight or just not contact me.

 

It may not be the excuse PRIOR to having that information, but now it IS the excuse because that's why he's ended contact. You should be thankful, he sounds completely unreasonable to have expectations that a 26 year old woman that's had 5 boyfriends hasn't had sex at least 5 times this day in age. There's no telling what other ridiculous hoops this guy would make you jump through in order to pass his tests.

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ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

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It may not be the excuse PRIOR to having that information, but now it IS the excuse because that's why he's ended contact. You should be thankful, he sounds completely unreasonable to have expectations that a 26 year old woman that's had 5 boyfriends hasn't had sex at least 5 times this day in age. There's no telling what other ridiculous hoops this guy would make you jump through in order to pass his tests.

 

oh sorry, I thought you meant that he didnt like me and so was using this as an excuse even though it didnt really bother him.

 

I could have only slept with 2 people which he may find more acceptable...but they could have been one night stands or something. Yeah Ive slept with 5 people, but they were all boyfriends who I believed I was in love with at the time. no flings on ONS. I think that at least says something about my attitude towards sex and relationships.

bayouboi Established Member

bayouboi

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oh sorry, I thought you meant that he didnt like me and so was using this as an excuse even though it didnt really bother him.

 

I could have only slept with 2 people which he may find more acceptable...but they could have been one night stands or something. Yeah Ive slept with 5 people, but they were all boyfriends who I believed I was in love with at the time. no flings on ONS. I think that at least says something about my attitude towards sex and relationships.

 

I agree with you completely and find your situation and life experiences to be wholly reasonable. But this guy didn't. And that speaks volumes about who he is. You're better off without that wacko, in my opinion.

boogieboy Established Member

boogieboy

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oh sorry, I thought you meant that he didnt like me and so was using this as an excuse even though it didnt really bother him.

 

I could have only slept with 2 people which he may find more acceptable...but they could have been one night stands or something. Yeah Ive slept with 5 people, but they were all boyfriends who I believed I was in love with at the time. no flings on ONS. I think that at least says something about my attitude towards sex and relationships.

 

Im pretty sure this is an ego thing with this guy. I bet He doesnt want someone who has slept with more people than HE did. He can handle that someone might have more experience than him, he wants to be able to teach someone. At least that might be his thinking, a woman who only slept with 2 people could know more sexually than him.

 

I bet that he thought you might say that you only slept with 2 of the bf's you were with, which might make him feel better, thats why he lost interest. he might have been tol that old take from his friends - when a woman says 5, she means ten.

 

This guy would only be trouble in the future, he wants a damn near virgin, he doesnt want someone with more experience than him. He's not at all reasonable. Damn shame really... write him off.

Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

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See, I would proceed because I dont like to give up so easily when I see potential, would want to give it a try..and I'm confident that Im a good person and a good girlfriend. but unfortunatly, I dont think its my decision to make.

 

This is exactly where women get into trouble with relationships. They see the potential, but ignore the big, fat red flags flapping in the wind. The guy has a bug up his a** and this will come through in many other areas later. Like someone else mentioned - he'll start telling you what to wear, what to eat, whatever. If he contacts you again, you're taking a huge risk if you agree to continue seeing him. It's stuff like this that will come back to bite you so hard that 3 yrs into marriage, you'll find yourself in divorce court and saying, "I should've paid attention when we first started dating."

 

You're right, it's not your decision right now, but if he calls, then the ball will be in your court.

harmfulsweetz Established Member

harmfulsweetz

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It's his problem, not yours. And chances are, you could say any number and he would have reacted the same way. If it's a problem now, it will be later. People like him don't change this. As someone else said, if it isn't this, it will be something else. It sounds like he has rigid ideals and a specific idea about what/who he is looking for, and if you so much as comprimise one of those? You're out. Do you even really want a second chance with him? Actually scratch that, there should be no second chance, there's nothing for him to forgive. You slept with 5 men, big deal, tell him to get over himself. From what you've described of him, it sounds like he'll have you jumping through hoops and performing circus tricks to check if you fit the bill next. Do you want to be with someone like that? Someone who judges you on a number over everything else? That number overrides everything in his mind.

 

You can't control his reaction to things, you were honest, and he reacted badly. But that isn't in your hands. I'd cut him off.

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ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

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It's his problem, not yours. And chances are, you could say any number and he would have reacted the same way. If it's a problem now, it will be later. People like him don't change this. As someone else said, if it isn't this, it will be something else. It sounds like he has rigid ideals and a specific idea about what/who he is looking for, and if you so much as comprimise one of those? You're out. Do you even really want a second chance with him? Actually scratch that, there should be no second chance, there's nothing for him to forgive. You slept with 5 men, big deal, tell him to get over himself. From what you've described of him, it sounds like he'll have you jumping through hoops and performing circus tricks to check if you fit the bill next. Do you want to be with someone like that? Someone who judges you on a number over everything else? That number overrides everything in his mind.

 

You can't control his reaction to things, you were honest, and he reacted badly. But that isn't in your hands. I'd cut him off.

 

Yeah I know from the advice I have had on here that its a red flag and pretty much a deal breaker, but Im just frustrated more than anything. I know I keep repeating myself...but Im so angry that if, like you said, this number overrides everything else then why waste the time getting to know me. What was the point in the dates and the conversations if it can all be cancelled out by one fact about my past.

littlebittle Established Member

littlebittle

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I don't think he was using it as an excuse. It sounds like he really liked you. Did you ever hear back from him? It's unfortunate if things don't work out, but this is a situation where it really is his loss. I know that's not much consolation, but just know that you didn't do anything wrong. It sounds like maybe he's got some problems.

Citizen Erased Established Member

Citizen Erased

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Yeah I know from the advice I have had on here that its a red flag and pretty much a deal breaker, but Im just frustrated more than anything. I know I keep repeating myself...but Im so angry that if, like you said, this number overrides everything else then why waste the time getting to know me. What was the point in the dates and the conversations if it can all be cancelled out by one fact about my past.

Probably because he knows this will drive him nuts if he does continue with this further. He probably can't even explain why it bothers him but it would kill any relationship between you two. He has saved you a lot of suffering by doing this.

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ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

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I don't think he was using it as an excuse. It sounds like he really liked you. Did you ever hear back from him? It's unfortunate if things don't work out, but this is a situation where it really is his loss. I know that's not much consolation, but just know that you didn't do anything wrong. It sounds like maybe he's got some problems.

 

Well, I text him a couple of hours ago to test the water (I know, I know) just said "hey, hows it going?" and he did reply straight away...which, from what I know of him, he wouldnt if he wasnt interested.

 

He replied with "hey, good thanks. Just been to the gym and for lunch with a friend, now just going to see my nan, you?"

 

What do you make of that text? I thought a few of things:

1: He is just acting so cool as if nothing had even happend..does it mean it isnt a big deal afterall? or have I been friendzoned?

2: Maybe I didnt hear from him because he wanted to talk about it first with his friend maybe, get some perspective? of course this is just a guess..he might nit have even mentioned it to his friend.

3:Again, from what I know of him he wouldnt waste his time...if he wasnt interested I dont think he would bother replying. Unless he was just being polite.

 

I dont know. I replied kind of lighthearted, just said "I'm ok thanks, just checking you were still talking to me lol. Am having a lazy day". No reply...but he is with his nan and that is quite a usual pattern from what I have noticed over the last few weeks.

littlebittle Established Member

littlebittle

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What do you make of that text?

 

I think that's part of the problem here. This is the kind of conversation you need to be having with him in person. Don't text him about it anymore, and don't continue to try to read too much into his texts.

sunrae Established Member

sunrae

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told him how many people I have slept with...now he doesnt want to see me again

 

Honestly, this is a question that should NEVER be brought up.... It doesnt do anyone any good... I dont want to picture in my head, how many people my boyfriend has been with... Never a good topic...

sagetalk Established Member

sagetalk

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Maybe it's just me, but it seems like he was looking for something wrong with you...

 

And bingo was his name-o.

sagetalk Established Member

sagetalk

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Honestly, this is a question that should NEVER be brought up.... It doesnt do anyone any good... I dont want to picture in my head, how many people my boyfriend has been with... Never a good topic...

 

It would be important to me. If the relationship was serious enough, I would almost certainly ask. He had a right to know. The fewer the better IMO. I think there are more problems here than just that though. She said this guy isn't a virgin or religious so his story doesn't really add up. I believe he was looking for an excuse to get out.

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ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

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told him how many people I have slept with...now he doesnt want to see me again

 

Honestly, this is a question that should NEVER be brought up.... It doesnt do anyone any good... I dont want to picture in my head, how many people my boyfriend has been with... Never a good topic...

 

I know..I would never have brought it up or asked him that question. But he asked me, and once its asked if you refuse to answer it makes it look like you have something to hide or be ashamed of.

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